₦airaland Forum

jaybee3:
Equals in what though?

Are you the 50:50 in everything type or you had still expect the man to do more of the physical stuff

Do you realise relationships/marriages is about competition or who is right or wrong?

Submission is about you accepting every single thing like a dundee since it's a relationship and both opinion counts but the default position just usually falls to the man due to obvious reasons

Are you quarreling with the word "not"

Kimoni:
Are you quarreling with the word "not"

See as you just opened my yansh

jaybee3:
See as you just opened my yansh

no be so bro

Kimoni:
no be so bro

What's your take on the equality mindset with regards to marriages?

jaybee3:
Equals in what though?

Are you the 50:50 in everything type or you had still expect the man to do more of the physical stuff

Do you realise relationships/marriages isn't about competition or who is right or wrong?

Submission is about you accepting every single thing like a dundee since it's a relationship and both opinion counts but the default position just usually falls to the man due to obvious reasons

Equals in the sense that we are both human.

I am of the opinion that everyone should play their parts without labels being up on it, it's not a competition hence I think this way.

I don't see these "obvious" reasons and no one should have to accept everything like a dundee.

freecocoa:
Equals in the sense that we are both human.

I am of the opinion that everyone should play their parts without labels being up on it, it's not a competition hence I think this way.

I don't see these "obvious" reasons and no one should have to accept everything like a dundee.

We are both humans but yet we have defined roles

The same way some jobs/duties are positively discriminated in favour of men due to the rigorous physical demands

jaybee3:
We are both humans but yet we have defined roles

The same way some jobs/duties are positively discriminated in favour of men due to the rigorous physical demands

Agreed, that's why I say everyone should play his/her roles and leave it be, why the need to use the physical strength(which is not even absolute) as standard?

freecocoa:
Agreed, that's why I say everyone should play his/her roles and leave it be, why the need to use the physical strength(which is not even absolute) as standard?

It comes into the equation if the your demand is equality, No?

jaybee3:
It comes into the equation if the your demand is equality, No?

It doesn't.

1kg of meat and 1kg of stone, all no be 1kg?

freecocoa:
It doesn't.

1kg of meat and 1kg of stone, all no be 1kg?

Same Kg but different resultant effect on the body

jaybee3:
Same Kg but different resultant effect on the body

Good.

Now how do you measure this effect?

jaybee3:
What's your take on the equality mindset with regards to marriages?

Every gathering of two or more persons with an aim to work together to achieve a common objective must produce a leader from within. And that's why we have the post of class captain, president, pastor, governor, team leader, managing directors etc. In the home, it is the husband. And the main function of such person is to give some form of direction to the team and should also have the final say when there is a stale mate, hence, there is a lot of responsibility attached to such positions. And the leader does not necessarily have to be the most intelligent, or handsome or tallest or whatever. Obama is not the smartest person in the U.S. but he was elected by different classes of people to lead them.

I have never been able to wrap my head around this 50-50 rule in marriage, how it works or if it actually even works. Everybody in the team must have their own set of skills in which they are better than the other team members and each person rightfully has more than enough reasons why he or she should be the right person to lead the team but all these must be aside for the purpose of achieving the common goal. But if all the members want to take the mantle of leadership at the same time or not ready to step down for another, won't that be chaotic? Anyways, pls lemme continue listening to the debate from the sidelines, maybe na today I go understand am.

freecocoa:
Good.

Now how do you measure this effect?

You obviously don't have the same weight to height ratio
Same body density so surely the weight might be the same but the force needed to be applied to lift the same weight is different

anyhoo.. that's physics but let's restrict our talk to relationship matters

jaybee3:
What's your take on the equality mindset with regards to marriages?

People always think that equality means that if the wife cooks today, husband must cook tomorrow.
Naa, I'm of the school of thought that equality in marriage would depend on each others capabilities.
Now if a woman has taken the chore of cooking, the man should take up another homely chore especially in homes where both are providers. Now the endpoint of this position is that, one person should not take on more responsibilities than the other. You are both there to complement each other.

Now the problem comes whereby due to this separation of roles, we begin to consider certain tasks as taboo to gender. For example, a man considering it taboo to go into the kitchen to cook the family a meal or due to the head start men have economically and being traditionally strategically placed to provide, a woman begins to feel it is an abomination to provide for her family. This should not be so.

Also, I think to veer away from the equality argument is to infer an inequality. Do we want that?

Kimoni:
Every gathering of two or more persons with an aim to work together to achieve a common objective must produce a leader from within. And that's why we have the post of class captain, president, pastor, governor, team leader, managing directors etc. In the home, it is the husband. And the main function of such person is to give some form of direction to the team and should also have the final say when there is a stale mate, hence, there is a lot of responsibility attached to such positions. And the leader does not necessarily have to be the most intelligent, or handsome or tallest or whatever. Obama is not the smartest person in the U.S. but he was elected by different classes of people to lead them.

I have never been able to wrap my head around this 50-50 rule in marriage, how it works or if it actually even works. Everybody in the team must have their own set of skills in which they are better than the other team members and each person rightfully has more than enough reasons why he or she should be the right person to lead the team but all these must be aside for the purpose of achieving the common goal. But if all the members want to take the mantle of leadership at the same time or not ready to step down for another, won't that be chaotic? Anyways, pls lemme continue listening to the debate from the sidelines, maybe na today I go understand am.

There you go

You are so on point

That was exactly what i was getting it with regards to my default position stance.

jaybee3:
You obviously don't have the same weight to height ratio
Same body density so surely the weight might be the same but the force needed to be applied to lift the same weight is different

anyhoo.. that's physics but let's restrict our talk to relationship matters

I was still on relationship matter na.

How do you measure the difference between a man and woman to arrive at the conclusion that the woman should be the one to submit?

Stillfire:
People always think that equality means that if the wife cooks today, husband must cook tomorrow.
Naa, I'm of the school of thought that equality in marriage would depend on each others capabilities.
Now if a woman has taken the chore of cooking, the man should take up another homely chore especially in homes where both are providers. Now the endpoint of this position is that, one person should not take on more responsibilities than the other. You are both there to complement each other.

Now the problem comes whereby due to this separation of roles, we begin to consider certain tasks as taboo to gender. For example, a man considering it taboo to go into the kitchen to cook the family a meal or due to the head start men have economically and being traditionally strategically placed to provide, a woman begins to feel it is an abomination to provide for her family. This should not be so.

Also, I think to veer away from the equality argument is to infer an inequality. Do we want that?

Exactly!..
The confusion is really about a lack of understanding of what marriage entails or how exactly to make it work.

freecocoa:
I was still on relationship matter na.

How do you measure the difference between a man and woman to arrive at the conclusion that the woman should be the one to submit?

would you respect your man cocoa and what does respect in relationship context mean to you?

Jaybee I don't think 50-50 rule(if there's such a rule) has anything to do with who does what . How can anyone seriously measure that?
You do half the dishes, I do half the laundry, (what if I'm home more often?) you bring half the money and I bring half. Lol. what if I make more money than you do? nobody can say they practice that in real life. If they do, they will just sound silly.

@the topic when mutual respect is mentioned the first thing we should be thinking is not 50-50. I guess that idea came into play from NL misinterpretation and has been circulated around enough.

To be honest my DH does more chores than I do. That doesn't make me above him in any way at all. I know he's respects me and he knows I respect him. That's just the simplest way to put it.

The kids will bear his surname not mine so without questions we know who the head of the family is. No need to look at the relationship like a fortune 500 company where we will have a defined CEO with his assigned office space and duties.

I don't like to look at relationships in such rigid terms. Just be yourself and your partner will always be there to pitch in support for you even if it means taking up manly or womanly roles not meant for their gender if they have to. As long they gat ya back.

jaybee3:
would you respect your man cocoa and what does respect in relationship context mean to you?

Lol, jaybee why won't I respect him?

Respect in that context means treating him the way I want him to treat me.

Kimoni:
Every gathering of two or more persons with an aim to work together to achieve a common objective must produce a leader from within. And that's why we have the post of class captain, president, pastor, governor, team leader, managing directors etc. In the home, it is the husband. And the main function of such person is to give some form of direction to the team and should also have the final say when there is a stale mate, hence, there is a lot of responsibility attached to such positions. And the leader does not necessarily have to be the most intelligent, or handsome or tallest or whatever. Obama is not the smartest person in the U.S. but he was elected by different classes of people to lead them.

I have never been able to wrap my head around this 50-50 rule in marriage, how it works or if it actually even works. Everybody in the team must have their own set of skills in which they are better than the other team members and each person rightfully has more than enough reasons why he or she should be the right person to lead the team but all these must be aside for the purpose of achieving the common goal. But if all the members want to take the mantle of leadership at the same time or not ready to step down for another, won't that be chaotic? Anyways, pls lemme continue listening to the debate from the sidelines, maybe na today I go understand am.

No need to type much,you have said everything.That has always been my position regarding marriage.

double post...

On the matter of submission, there can't be any successful union without it.

I know the dictionary definition means giving way to a higher authority.
Does it mean that when a man submits to the wife's will she has the higher authority for that moment?
That's one reason why men will hardly agree that they submit but in actual fact they do.
Everybody submits. even in casual friendships much less a marriage.
The better term for it is compromise. But it doesn't change the fact that it is the same thing.

anyone who insists on having their way and the final say at all times will have a very unhappy and resentful partner.

So we compromise (AKA submit) and let the other person's will be done because we aren't selfish and we love peace to reign.

Men do it. And women do it too. You can't be a successful socially balanced human if you can't do that.

Only NL makes it sound like a bad thing.

freecocoa:
Lol, jaybee why won't I respect him?

Respect in that context means treating him the way I want him to treat me.

Good, so why can't you allow him to be the default leader if you respect and trust his judgement?

There will always be issues in marriages where you both feel strongly about after having considered the merits of both position. I just feel the default leader should be someone with enough capacity to carry combined emotional load whilst retaining the ability to steer the ship afloat

cococandy:
Jaybee I don't think 50-50 rule(if there's such a rule) has anything to do with who does what . How can anyone seriously measure that?

The 50:50 split is actually shared responsibility with defined roles.

jaybee3:
The 50:50 split is actually shared responsibility with defined roles.

Undefined roles actually. Anybody can do anything...from what I read o

Stillfire:
People always think that equality means that if the wife cooks today, husband must cook tomorrow.
Naa, I'm of the school of thought that equality in marriage would depend on each others capabilities.
Now if a woman has taken the chore of cooking, the man should take up another homely chore especially in homes where both are providers. Now the endpoint of this position is that, one person should not take on more responsibilities than the other. You are both there to complement each other.

Now the problem comes whereby due to this separation of roles, we begin to consider certain tasks as taboo to gender. For example, a man considering it taboo to go into the kitchen to cook the family a meal or due to the head start men have economically and being traditionally strategically placed to provide, a woman begins to feel it is an abomination to provide for her family. This should not be so.

Also, I think to veer away from the equality argument is to infer an inequality. Do we want that?

This is Pure Wisdom...

Thank you...

jaybee3:
Good, so why can't you allow him to be the default leader if you respect and trust his judgement?

There will always be issues in marriages where you both feel strongly about after having considered the merits of both position. I just feel the default leader should be someone with enough capacity to carry combined emotional load whilst retaining the ability to steer the ship afloat

There shouldn't be a default leader is the point, we both can lead interchangeably, because I can also ask the same question of why I shouldn't be made leader if he respects and trusts my judgement.

Although I see that you believe the man is better at carrying combined emotional load while still retaining the ability to steer the ship afloat and that's where I have a problem.

Are you saying there are no women who can handle whatever it is, better than men?

Una don come with submission, 50 - 50 and equality things again

jaybee3:
The 50:50 split is actually shared responsibility with defined roles.

Kimoni:
Undefined roles actually. Anybody can do anything...from what I read o

That's the thing now. Who's defining the roles?
Anybody can actually do anything depending on their strengths. It's left for the couple to figure it out between themselves.
Even after they do, there will be days you end up doing what is meant for your partner to do simply because on that day it's is more convenient for you to do so.
Flexibility is the word.

cococandy:
On the matter of submission, there can't be any successful union without it.

I know the dictionary definition means giving way to a higher authority.
Does it mean that when a man submits to the wife's will she has the higher authority for that moment?
That's one reason why men will hardly agree that they submit but in actual fact they do.
Everybody submits. even in casual friendships much less a marriage.
The better term for it is compromise. But it doesn't change the fact that it is the same thing.

anyone who insists on having their way and the final say at all times will have a very unhappy and resentful partner.

So we compromise (AKA submit) and let the other person's will be done because we aren't selfish and we love peace to reign.

Men do it. And women do it too. You can't be a successful socially balanced human if you can't do that.

Only NL makes it sound like a bad thing.

@Freecocoa, the bold is for you

I laugh when I see people say submission is what makes a wife 'inferior' to a husband

There is NO human relationship without submission and obedience....

Ed.wify said we should stick to a topic and we did... that is obedience in plain English.

Your husband says he wants jollof rice; you cook it... obedience
Your wife says she wants coldstone ice-cream; you branch to buy it... obedience
Your bestie says you should give her your cream top; you package it wella and give her ... obedience

Even the Bible we reference said everyone should submit one to another Eph 5:21..

Whatever rocks our boats jor


@cococandy; nice one

Kimoni:
Every gathering of two or more persons with an aim to work together to achieve a common objective must produce a leader from within. And that's why we have the post of class captain, president, pastor, governor, team leader, managing directors etc. In the home, it is the husband. And the main function of such person is to give some form of direction to the team and should also have the final say when there is a stale mate, hence, there is a lot of responsibility attached to such positions. And the leader does not necessarily have to be the most intelligent, or handsome or tallest or whatever. Obama is not the smartest person in the U.S. but he was elected by different classes of people to lead them.

I have never been able to wrap my head around this 50-50 rule in marriage, how it works or if it actually even works. Everybody in the team must have their own set of skills in which they are better than the other team members and each person rightfully has more than enough reasons why he or she should be the right person to lead the team but all these must be aside for the purpose of achieving the common goal. But if all the members want to take the mantle of leadership at the same time or not ready to step down for another, won't that be chaotic? Anyways, pls lemme continue listening to the debate from the sidelines, maybe na today I go understand am.

The main problem many people have with this head thing is because of abuse. When there is abuse of a system, the natural thing is for people to ask for change. There are many men who abuse the position of being the head. My question is what should be done to such men? Don't you think there should be check and balances in this head thing. Leadership is supposed to be a position of service and responsibility. If men are to get the position authomatically, should there not be a way to check his excesses? Obama was voted in and can still be voted out. Does this happen in marriage?

On equality, I like to see it as when both partners are worth the same in a marriage. It's not about washing plate and all that. I know Nairaland have made it so but it appears so because we are in the family section where such topics come up. When a man is simply refusing to wash dishes because it's beneath him, then that means he thinks he is worth more than the woman who is going to wash the dish. Equality means even when the man works and the wife stays at home, they are worth the same and vice versa. I don't care what people do in their homes. What I fight for is that both man and woman are worth the same and both have a choice.

On roles, I think this should be common sense. If a one partner solely provides, it's common sense that the other takes care of the home. If they both provide, it's common sense that both tend to the home. The problem is when husband and wife both work and somehow only the woman should do the chores or in extreme situations where only the woman works and still does everything at home.

On submission, I think it's one thing where people say one thing and do another. Nobody can follow the dictionary meaning and we both know the danger of following individual definitions. The confusion the word submission actually cause today it's because different people have given it different definitions. The reason why I don't agree with it is that you don't know the definition that the other person might give it.

Also as someone already said, it's simple - If you don't support equality, you support inequality.