₦airaland Forum

How are you contributing to the awareness in your area?
We are having rallies here, sharing stories of people who have died from domestic violence, and Donating to the cause of building shelters for those who have no place to go to temporarily escape their abuser.

Every organization is taking the opportunity that "Day of the Dead" celebration grants to bring the issue of domestic violence to the fore.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNSjNeUOmks


How are you helping?

Hmmmmm .

Husband beaters and wife beaters should be jailed
Such cruelty

I am fuming

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HgolcO2hM

Cococandy, hi.

Those that enjoy the beating and all, do they fall into the category of abused people?

kilode100:
Cococandy, hi.

Those that enjoy the beating and all, do they fall into the category of abused people?

They fall into the category of 'the mentally disturbed'.

That second video tho

cococandy:
They fall into the category of 'the mentally disturbed'.

But I'm not disturbed mentally o.

This man in this video looks sick and helpless.
I can't understand them but it seems he threw up or something and madam ain't having non of that.

If you don't feel safe with the people who are supposed to take care of you in your down times, it's time to port.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfhofCGtcDw

kilode100:
But I'm not disturbed mentally o.

Nne Na today you know say you dey craze?

This one is showing his son that he's the man and how to treat his woman in future.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRjxVhOBjVs

Jesus Christ! Some people av a full grown demon living in their body

When I hear stories of abuse I kinda wonder!!!
Is there nothing you can do?
You don't have to take it....
If u can't leave,fight back!!!
There are many ways........

I'll be back to continue posting.

cococandy:
This man in this video looks sick and helpless.
I can't understand them but it seems he threw up or something and madam ain't having non of that.

If you don't feel safe with the people who are supposed to take care of you in your down times, it's time to port.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfhofCGtcDw

sometimes those being abused want to escape but most lack financial power. How can that be solved.

Lawd have mercy!!

I can't stomach these...

Captainswag225:
sometimes those being abused want to escape but most lack financial power. How can that be solved.

That's why financial independence can't be over emphasized.

cococandy:
That's why financial independence can't be over emphasized.

Not necessarily though.

There are cases of working victims who still get subjected to domestic violence, and yet they remain in such abusive relationships.

I think it's a complex mix of societal norms / expectations (I.e. a "good wife" stays put, no matter what), power wielding (insatiable need of the abuser to feel in total control), and mind games (psychological feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness from the victim).

Yea its true

Although I was just referring specifically to his question about those who stay because of financial dependence.

EfemenaXY:
Not necessarily though.

There are cases of working victims who still get subjected to domestic violence, and yet they remain in such abusive relationships.

I think it's a complex mix of societal norms / expectations (I.e. a "good wife" stays put, no matter what), power wielding (insatiable need of the abuser to feel in total control), and mind games (psychological feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness from the victim).

Hi dearie,

I believe people who endure abuse are fine with it.

If a child knows to withdraw his/her hands from fire, then everyone who is mentally OK has survival instincts and knows when to escape from danger.

Even mad people do not wait for danger sef.

And I find the reason 'staying for my kids' a joke of the century.

Ohh my God!

Captainswag225:
sometimes those being abused want to escape but most lack financial power. How can that be solved.

This is a common fallacy, believing it is lack of financial power and maybe it is the reason why a working young woman walks with eyes wide open into the arms of a predator; believing she can walk away if it gets bad because she has a job.

Enduring domestic violence is majorly about lack of willpower not financial power. The relationship between abusers and victims is one of prey and predator. It is very psychological and very complex which is why many people will sometimes say the abuser is doing juju. It often does not make sense. Ask that Skye Bank Titi girl that was killed in the home she was paying rent for. Predators seek out prey because that is their natural instinct. Some women become prey for many reasons, lack of self worth/esteem being a major one (Efemenaxy's post).

In the West, government provides resources for women in domestic violence situations but they often go back to their abusers and many of them eventually end up dead. These victims include a lot of working women.

In Nigeria, how many women exactly have zero source of income? Most victims have income but will still stay with abusers. Even those that may say they need money to escape still go back to the abuser. The family support network is so strong in Nigeria that most victims will have at least one person in their family (often more) willing to help them with financial support if necessary but breaking away from their abuser is still an uphill task.

If you listen to women who suffer domestic violence, you will cry for them. For so many, it's like an addiction they can't break, they feel so helpless.

If you want to help, start with teaching women to value themselves, raise them strong. When a predator smells a strong woman, he keeps moving because a predator can smell his victim a mile off. Tell yourself you are better than whatever nonsense he starts with (full blown violence builds up gradually, not from day 1) and don't let fear tie you to a monster.

Forgive the long post.

Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

The question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing Catholic people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their church. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.

A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.

Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don't deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I've had in my life.”

Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.

Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.

The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases.

Wonderful post.

MMotimo:
This is a common fallacy, believing it is lack of financial power and maybe it is the reason why a working young woman walks with eyes wide open into the arms of a predator; believing she can walk away if it gets bad because she has a job.

Enduring domestic violence is majorly about lack of willpower not financial power. The relationship between abusers and victims is one of prey and predator. It is very psychological and very complex which is why me people will sometimes saying the abuser is doing juju. It often does not make sense. Ask that Skye Bank Titi girl that was killed in the home she was paying rent for. Predators seek out prey because that is their natural instinct. Some women become prey for many reasons, lack of self worth/esteem being a major one (Efemenaxy's post).

In the West, government provides resources for women in domestic violence situations but they often go back to their abusers and many of them eventually end up dead. These victims include a lot of working women.

In Nigeria, how many women exactly have zero source of income? Most victims have income but will still stay with abusers. Even those that may say they need money to escape still go back to the abuser. The family support network is so strong in Nigeria that most victims will have at least one person in their family (often more) willing to help them with financial support if necessary but breaking away from their abuser is still an uphill task.

If you listen to women who suffer domestic violence, you will cry for them. For so many, it's like an addiction they can't break, they feel so helpless.

If you want to help, start with teaching women to value themselves, raise them strong. When a predator smells a strong woman, he keeps moving because a predator can smell his victim a mile off. Tell yourself you are better than whatever nonsense he starts with (full blown violence builds up gradually, not from day 1) and don't let fear tie you to a monster.

^^^^
Good thread! Key message being "how are you helping?" vs the usual gender war threads that seem to have taken over this section

Gender stereotypes affect men too.

"Be a man"
"Man up"
"Don't be a p*ssy"
Etc.

Are some of the common lines used to socialize even growing boys to buy into the school of thought that it's shameful to seek help when being abused or that to even be abused makes them unmanly as they should easily be able to physically handle anybody who's trying to abuse them.

While that is a nice strength to have (the ability to defend yourself physically), there's also nothing shameful about not knowing how to express violence or choosing not do so.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo

MMotimo:
This is a common fallacy, believing it is lack of financial power and maybe it is the reason why a working young woman walks with eyes wide open into the arms of a predator; believing she can walk away if it gets bad because she has a job.

Enduring domestic violence is majorly about lack of willpower not financial power. The relationship between abusers and victims is one of prey and predator. It is very psychological and very complex which is why many people will sometimes say the abuser is doing juju. It often does not make sense. Ask that Skye Bank Titi girl that was killed in the home she was paying rent for. Predators seek out prey because that is their natural instinct. Some women become prey for many reasons, lack of self worth/esteem being a major one (Efemenaxy's post).

In the West, government provides resources for women in domestic violence situations but they often go back to their abusers and many of them eventually end up dead. These victims include a lot of working women.

In Nigeria, how many women exactly have zero source of income? Most victims have income but will still stay with abusers. Even those that may say they need money to escape still go back to the abuser. The family support network is so strong in Nigeria that most victims will have at least one person in their family (often more) willing to help them with financial support if necessary but breaking away from their abuser is still an uphill task.

If you listen to women who suffer domestic violence, you will cry for them. For so many, it's like an addiction they can't break, they feel so helpless.

If you want to help, start with teaching women to value themselves, raise them strong. When a predator smells a strong woman, he keeps moving because a predator can smell his victim a mile off. Tell yourself you are better than whatever nonsense he starts with (full blown violence builds up gradually, not from day 1) and don't let fear tie you to a monster.

maybe women themselves should take a stand , to leave their men when they hit them. I think forgiving them once is okay but when it happens for a second time they should call e relationship quits.....an abuser will never change till u are dead so e earlier u break from him, e safer and better for u. Ladies copy dat

cococandy:
Gender stereotypes affect men too.

"Be a man"
"Man up"
"Don't be a p*ssy"
Etc.

Are some of the common lines used to socialize even growing boys to buy into the school of thought that it's shameful to seek help when being abused or that to even be abused makes them unmanly as they should easily be able to physically handle anybody who's trying to abuse them.

While that is a nice strength to have (the ability to defend yourself physically), there's also nothing shameful about not knowing how to express violence or choosing not do so.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo

so true, there are many ways of solving a problem btn couples and I think violence and abuse shouldn't be part. A real gentleman doesn't hit a lady even if e lady hits him. This is what we should be telling the kids at school......it all starts from there. Kids who support abuse should be shunned by their friends and made to seek counseling. If we can stop it from e grass root then we can stop it entirely.

God! And they were on lookers in all of these videos. This is so Sad.

Captainswag225:
so true, there are many ways of solving a problem btn couples and I think violence and abuse shouldn't be part. A real gentleman doesn't hit a lady even if e lady hits him. This is what we should be telling the kids at school......it all starts from there. Kids who support abuse should be shunned by their friends and made to seek counseling. If we can stop it from e grass root then we can stop it entirely.

What do u mean by the bold? Or do u intend propagating a just message with a biased mind? Aren't u aware of the fact that considerable number of men are also subjected to domestic violence? If u are now encouraging women to partake in domestic violence with impunity in our schools, what becomes of the helpless men subjected to domestic violence?

I don't think that is what we should be telling our kids, that's bias. That way we are implicitly encouraging girls to engage in domestic violence with impunity.

'We should all shun domestic violence' should be the message we are imparting to our kids, not a lopsided one. Everyone should be chastised for instigating domestic violence, regardless of gender...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ..... Good post...

Come to my bar and collect one bottle of fanta