EfemenaXY:

Yes and No.

why yes and no?

Captainswag225:
well society can let people down at times but there are other support groups that victims could go to for help rather than keeping it to themselves.

What support groups?

The spouses' family? Surely you know they'll tell them (the woman) to just "manage and bear" her cross by fasting and praying?

The church? Same thing as this ^^

The police? It won't be the first time they've said things in line of, "na domestic matter - make una settle amongst una selves".

The woman's "friends"? I already touched on that.

Captainswag225:
why yes and no?

Yeah.

EfemenaXY:


My points precisely.

Divorcees need support. Unfortunately, that's the last thing our judgmental society would offer such people.

For now,the support they can get will have to be groups against violence in marriages and women who have been through such.

Captainswag225:
why yes and no?

Because even though I believe in second chances, it really depends on the circumstances surrounding the abuse / the level of abuse (not an excuse though).

Say for example, due to a spouse's rage / fit of anger, the partner sustains life-threatening or permanent damages. D'you think there should be room for any second chances? It is a lot more complex than just a simple "yes" or "no". The mitigating factors should be seriously taken into consideration.

thorpido:
This lady's dad confessed after her death that he knew his daughter was being abused and had spoken to her severally to leave the house but she kept assuring him that he would change.

oh my word, so the dad is partly responsible for her death. Such attitudes must change, divorce is not a sin so divorcing an abuser shouldnt be frown upon by family and friends of victims of abuse. Life is important than it all

thorpido:
For now,the support they can get will have to be groups against violence in marriages and women who have been through such.

That's a good one. I totally agree with you on this.

EfemenaXY:


Because even though I believe in second chances, it really depends on the circumstances surrounding the abuse / the level of abuse (not an excuse though).

Say for example, due to a spouse's rage / fit of anger, the partner sustains life-threatening or permanent damages. D'you think there should be room for any second chances? It is a lot more complex than just a simple "yes" or "no". The mitigating factors should be seriously taken into consideration.

agreed, seconded......i think family and friends should stop pushing victims back to their abusers. Coz most dont end up well in the end.

EfemenaXY:


What support groups?

The spouses' family? Surely you know they'll tell them (the woman) to just "manage and bear" her cross by fasting and praying?

The church? Same thing as this ^^

The police? It won't be the first time they've said things in line of, "na domestic matter - make una settle amongst una selves".

The woman's "friends"? I already touched on that.

not them but online support groups, ngo committed to helping victims of domestic violence, such people give genuine advice and not family and friends

Captainswag225:
oh my word, so the dad is partly responsible for her death. Such attitudes must change, divorce is not a sin so divorcing an abuser shouldnt be frown upon by family and friends of victims of abuse. Life is important than it all

You're misinterpreting his post.

He said the lady's dad was aware of the abuse she was being subjected to, and advised her to LEAVE. She insisted on remaining, in the hope that her abusive husband would change.

Important lesson: It's foolhardy to think one can change another person. A person only changes when they themselves make that decision to change - and not because someone else want / expects them to.

RIP to the deceased lady.

Mindfulness:


Nobody should be on guard in relationships. If you feel on guard then you are in the wrong place. You sense danger and you should remove yourself from there. This is what I mean by setting healthy boundaries.

The discussion becomes more interesting when you look at a definition of domestic violence:

"Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."

http://www.domesticviolencelondon.nhs.uk/1-what-is-domestic-violence-/1-definition.html

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/



Abuse does not only include physical violence as shown in the videos - which made me feel sick for a moment - but also the behaviors described above.For many people it is pretty clear how much physical violence they can take but it becomes more difficult for them to explain where they would set boundaries regarding other forms of abusive behavior.

nice

Captainswag225:
not them but online support groups, ngo committed to helping victims of domestic violence, such people give genuine advice and not family and friends

Oh, okay. That's good then.

EfemenaXY:


You're misinterpreting his post.

He said the lady's dad was aware of the abuse she was being subjected to, and advised her to LEAVE. She insisted on remaining, in the hope that her abusive husband would change.

Important lesson: It's foolhardy to think one can change another person. A person only changes when they themselves make that decision to change - and not because someone else want / expects them to.

RIP to the deceased lady.

i dont know some people define love,,., they even see abuse as love,,, we should learn to draw e line btn love and violence. To e father's issue, i still hold him partly responsible for her death coz he should have at some point reported it to the cops. Since his daughter wasnt seeing reason he should have taken the neccesary action. Rip to the lady btw.

There was one that was so ruthless can't forget. It was on Oprah Winfrey show about this guy who dealt with his wife and ask the kids to film it.
Coco, seen it ?

armyofone:
There was one that was so ruthless can't forget. It was on Oprah Winfrey show about this guy who dealt with his wife and ask the kids to film it.
Coco, seen it ?

No I haven't seen it.

Link?

Her name is Susan Still. Very Brutal.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/12/o.survivors.of.abuse/index.html?iref=24hours

cococandy:

No I haven't seen it.
Link?

armyofone:
Her name is Susan Still. Very Brutal.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/12/o.survivors.of.abuse/index.html?iref=24hours

had to share the story here.

People that tell abuse victims to stay and work it out, I don't know how their minds work. Seriously.

If you've ever been screamed at, humiliated, hit -- or know someone who has -- you're not alone. Every year, one out of every four women in America is abused by her partner.

Susan's boss suspected the abuse and kept track of the days when she came to work with bruises.
Susan's 13-year-old son videotaped his mother being beaten by his father.

When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner Lee Still, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life.

Once they were married, she says things began to escalate at home. Susan says her husband abused her verbally and psychologically nearly every day of their marriage ... even when their three children were present. Often, Susan says Ulner made audio recordings of his tirades so that he could listen to them later.

For years, Susan says Ulner told her that she was stupid, alienated her from her family and accused her of being a bad mother. "There were times when I absolutely thought I was stupid. There were times that he absolutely had convinced me that I was a terrible mother," she says. Oprah.com: How to heal your teens

Then, after being married for more than 10 years, the emotional abuse took a violent turn. For the last two years of their marriage, Susan says she endured regular beatings at the hands of her husband. She says anything could set him off. "When you're in that life -- in that state of mind -- it's hard to make a decision over the simplest things," she says. "It's hard for you to walk across the room and make sure you're walking across the room the right way."

Domestic abuse is a crime that happens behind closed doors and is rarely, if ever, seen ... until now.

One Sunday afternoon in 2003, Susan says her husband became enraged when she asked him if she could fix him a sandwich for lunch. He went in search of his audio recorder to tape his verbal assault. When he couldn't find it, Susan says he chose the next best thing -- a video camera.


Ulner ordered his oldest son, who was 13 years old at the time, to record his tirade. What resulted was 51 minutes of horrifying footage. Susan says her oldest son operated the camera, while her 8-year-old son sat in the room, watching the abuse unfold.

During the first 40 minutes of the video, Ulner screams insults at his wife of 14 years and threatens her with physical violence.

"You play those stupid games with me, I'll knock your teeth out of your face. ... I'm going to knock your head across that wall," he tells Susan as their sons look on. Oprah.com: Susan's children speak out about her abuse

At first, Susan stands silently in the room with her head bowed. Looking back, she says she was trying to come up with a way to calm her husband down. "My mind was racing to find the right answer -- to find the answer that was going to make him happy for that second, to appease him so he wouldn't start hitting," she says.

Nothing she says works. Ulner punches, kicks and slaps his wife repeatedly during the final 10 minutes of the video. As he throws her around the room, he demands Susan's obedience. "You've been taught what to say to me, heifer," he says. "You follow what I say to the T."

In all, he calls her "stupid" 23 times and "heifer" 28 times in less than an hour.

After the camera stopped rolling, Susan says Ulner sent their son to the kitchen to get ice for her bruises. Then, Susan says she showered and spent the rest of the day downstairs, doing laundry and trying to stay far from her husband.

Susan's oldest son didn't just operate the video camera during the verbal and physical assault, he is also heard speaking in support of his father's actions. Over the years, Susan says Ulner brainwashed all three of their children and forced them to participate in her abuse.

On one occasion, Susan says she said something that made her husband so angry that he demanded a family meeting. "He called all the kids in the room ... and he made them call me a 'white ho slut' in unison," she says. "He would tell them when to start, and he would tell them to repeat. ... In my mind, I was screaming, 'That's not what I am. That's not what I am. How can you do this? How can you have my children do this to me?'"

Susan says she was devastated by her children's actions, but she understands why they did it. "I knew that my children needed to do what they needed to do to survive in that house," she says. "If that meant they needed to side with the power, then that's what they had to do."

The same day the video was shot, Susan made a fateful decision. As she was sitting in a room with her oldest son, her husband gestured toward her. "He looked at my son and he said, 'You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up,'" Susan says.

With that comment, she says she came to the realization that Ulner could possibly end up killing her. So Susan made the decision to leave.

When Susan got to work the next day, she was covered in bruises from the previous day's beating. When Lynne, her friend and boss who knew about the abuse, came over to check on her, Susan says she said, "Today is the day."

Lynne called the police. "They came to my job, they took pictures, and we developed a plan," Susan says. "[I needed] time to decide, where are we going to go? What are we going to do? We had nowhere."

As Susan fled with her sons, Ulner called her repeatedly, trying to track her down. Police recorded the phone calls to document his violent threats. In one he screamed at her, "If you don't bring my son home, I'm going to kill you, heifer."

After years of abusing his wife, Ulner was finally arrested. At trial, Ulner's behavior shocked the prosecutor, Lisa Bloch Rodwin. "I've never seen such arrogance," she says.

"He was making eye contact with the female jurors and trying to look like he was king of the world and that he could control them the way he controlled everybody else. ... When he was interviewed by the probation department, he blamed Susan for putting him in this position. But the judge said to him, 'You still don't get it. You have destroyed these children. You have destroyed this woman.'"

In her closing arguments, Lisa played the videotape for the jury one more time. "What I said to the jury is, 'He keeps saying, I have to teach you.' And I asked the jury to teach him."

They did, finding Ulner guilty of 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. The judge sentenced him to 36 years in prison -- reportedly the longest sentence ever given for this kind of domestic violence. He's not eligible for parole until 2022.

Lisa emphasizes that while the 51-minute videotape put a horrific face on the abuse, it was not the most important piece of evidence in the case. "That videotape shows a misdemeanor assault punishable by up to only one year in jail," she says. "You don't need a videotape. You need to document your injuries."

Ulner got such a stiff sentence, she says, because of the numerous times -- not recorded on any tape -- he beat Susan with items like books and belts. "Those dangerous instruments make it a felony," Lisa says.

Susan didn't keep records of her abuse...but Lynne, her vigilant boss, did. Oprah.com: Suspect abuse? What you can do to help

When Lynne began noticing signs of abuse in Susan, she wanted to make sure she wasn't overreacting. So she started making notes in a calendar every time she witnessed a sign of abuse -- the appearance of bruises, Susan acting withdrawn, coming to work late or being frequently absent.

Lynne even overheard Susan call Ulner "Master" in her frequent phone calls to check in with him.

"One of the huge tips to me was there was a time that [Ulner] had to leave town for a while. And while he was gone, she was a different person," Lynne says. "She was, you know, free and comfortable."

When she thinks of the tape of her own violent beating, Susan refers to the woman in it as a different person from herself -- calling her "she" rather than "I."

"She's a different person to me, but she's very much a part of this person here," Susan says. "I look at her and I think, 'How could you have let yourself get to that state? How could you have let this happen to you?' But I know how I did. So I guess she's a different person to me now. But I know she's here and she's helped me be who I am today."

Abuse comes in many forms -- yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence.

Recognizing the signs of abuse -- especially in instances where physical violence is not involved -- is not easy, sometimes even for those being abused.
If you think you or someone you know is being abused, it's important to tell someone before it's too late .

To be honest, being a friend to an abused person is emotionally draining.You keep talking,supporting,helping and yet years pass by and the same cycle occurs over and over.It kills your morale totally repeating the same things over and over.Leave- you become the enemy,you are even reported to the abuser. In fact,in one case I had to cut off ties to preserve my sanity. How do you help someone who's so damaged that she refuses to be helped? The irony is that all the ones I know work as professionals,so its not even about financial dependence.


On the flip side,I have never seen a man who has come to report his wife for beating him. it may feel like a blow to his manhood to be battered by a female.Imagine how ridiculed he would be if he enters naija police station to say his wife beat him up? How many people would even intervene if a woman is beating a man?

I witnessed this one on the streets of UK,this man was being punched by his lady. They were both standing outside the car and she was shoving him and landing blows,all he was doing was raising his hands to fend off the blows.He didn't even try to walk away and people were looking and passing. This was an able bodied man o and a slight looking lady.She was just screaming and punching him.
To my greatest shame and regret,I didn't do anything,didn't dial 999,nothing. I just told myself if this man as huge as he is can't defend himself from this woman is it now me that will risk my life? I walked on like many others,don't know what eventually happened.I know if it was a woman I'd have been more proactive and I can bet passersby would have jumped in sharply and even dashed the abuser a few blows.
Domestic violence against men should also be taken seriously.

Thanks for this thread cococandy,fantastic! Can you also touch on how we can render help to victims who we are close to without going mad.

@jahblessme, I wish I knew.

I know that helpless feeling of looking at someone and knowing they might end up dead one day but unable to do anything except talk to them.

It's a very frustrating experience especially if you care about the person in question. because the one you say is going to be countered by someone else who will advice them that everything will be alright and that divorce is not the answer.
That little ray of false hope is all they need to go on living in denial and believing it will be fine eventually.

I know one lady that used to fast and pray and endure and then come running to my mom to cry some more. After all talk and advice, few weeks later she will go back to him. On and off and on and off. Now she's dead. I remember I was so hurt when she died I just created one thread with my former moniker to vent and rant, and that was it. finally it's all past news now. The kids she was staying for are now basically orphans because he's locked up (heard he's out now). Na naija.
Anything is possible so he may be out now. And that's how her life has been wasted because "she didn't want another woman to come take her place in her matrimonial home"
whatever that means

Physical abuse against men is something that I think even the some men themselves don't take seriously because of the relaxation that they can handle any partner that tries to get physical on them. But most times in such cases, it will only take the lady lifting something to hit him with and that will be the end of him. Seeing as most women aren't quite strong as men, most violent females attack with household weapons laying around.
So a violent female partner needs to be taken quite as seriously as her male counterpart.

Coco it starts from childhood.
How much self esteem does the child have?
Where does this self esteem start from? . . .the parents.
It starts from the father and the mother . . .They are the kids first and lengthiest teacher.
When you teach a child to believe in themselves and you give them a balanced and loving upbringing, then the child becomes confident in him/her self and the child knows what is acceptable and what isn't.
BTW being confident and self assured is different from being rude and abrasive.

It starts from home and the parents have to do a lot of work to bring up a well balanced kid
This will determine the kinds of relationships the kid will even get into in the first instance and this will give them the confidence to say " I deserve better than this" and walk away ASAP even if they find themselves in toxic relationships.

The financial aspect of things swings both ways. I've seem women who make money being abused. Infact in some cases its the money that started the abuse from men who lack confidence and their own inadequacy and cant deal with the fact that the woman is making any money

I've also seen where a woman stays because she has nowhere to go and no way of sustaining herself. This can happen widows with no income who have children and need someone to take care of them. The other day I was reading about a stepfather who was sleeping with his step daughter aged 12

Some women are not entirely blameless too. Some marry out of greed and for the most stupidd reasons and end up marrying Mr "So wrong".
That breaks my heart because if only they had waited and thought about things deeply and picked wisely they could have married a man who treats them with the utmost respect that they deserve.

As regards male violence, no one should have the right to place their hands on anyone and any woman who does that should be treated the same way that a man who does it is treated; arrested and punished.

Jahblessme:
.

Thanks for this thread cococandy,fantastic! Can you also touch on how we can render help to victims who we are close to without going mad.

Very very difficult
They have been brainwashed and in many cases they don't see things the way you see it and it can be very frustrating.

One of the reasons I have stayed so long on this section is to try and advise young girls before the "I do because Truth be told. our culture especially in Nigeria is not too "friendly" towards divorces, and so I always tell the girls look very well before you leap, because when push comes to shove, there will be 10 people in their family & church who will say go and fast and pray. its just the sad but plain truth.

Many times the signs are there, but they are just ignored
A while back a girl came reporting her finance who beat someone up, locked him in his car boot, and spat on him for a minor traffic offence and I told her to be very careful cos there will come a day when you will offend him and he will do the same, however in the end she was convinced that he wouldn't do that to her, but my gut feeling says otherwise.

The problem with abuse is that its not just physical but it is psychological as well and its very very difficult to reset peoples minds once that happens.

tearoses:
Coco it starts from childhood.
How much self esteem does the child have?
Where does this self esteem start from? . . .the parents.
It starts from the father and the mother . . .They are the kids first and lengthiest teacher.
When you teach a child to believe in themselves and you give them a balanced and loving upbringing, then the child becomes confident in him/her self and the child knows what is acceptable and what isn't.
BTW being confident and self assured is different from being rude and abrasive.

It starts from home and the parents have to do a lot of work to bring up a well balanced kid
This will determine the kinds of relationships the kid will even get into in the first instance and this will give them the confidence to say " I deserve better than this" and walk away ASAP even if they find themselves in toxic relationships.

The financial aspect of things swings both ways. I've seem women who make money being abused. Infact in some cases its the money that caused the abuse from men who lack confidence and cant deal with the fact that the woman is making any money
Ive also seen where a woman stays because she has nowhere to go and no way of sustaining herself. This can happen widows with no income who have children and need someone to take care of them. The other day I was reading about a stepfather who was sleeping with his step daughter aged 12

Some women are not entirely blameless too. Some marry out of greed and for the most stupidd reasons and end up marrying Mr "So wrong".
That breaks my heart because if only they had waited and thought about things deeply and picked wisely they could have married a man who treats them with the utmost respect.

As regards male violence, no one should have the right to place their hands on anyone and any woman who does that should be treated the same way that a man who does it is treated; arrested and punished.

Well said.It starts from the family and parents have to do a lot to raise their children to have confidence and a good self-esteem.Unfortunately,many women our mother's generation stayed in bad marriages and what they tell their daughters is 'endure','life is not a bed of roses','I also coped' etc.Things are changing anyway.

thorpido:
Well said.It starts from the family and parents have to do a lot to raise their children to have confidence and a good self-esteem.Unfortunately,many women our mother's generation stayed in bad marriages and what they tell their daughters is 'endure','life is not a bed of roses','I also coped' etc.Things are changing anyway.

You are right, you can only give what you have, even as a parent

Thats why you hear some people say things like "all men cheat" and you wonder what damage has been done to their faculty's

But like you said, things are changing and if people can sift through & pick relevant things, there is good advise on the internet, books, seminars and other good sources of information/education.

Captainswag225:
i dont know some people define love,,., they even see abuse as love,,, we should learn to draw e line btn love and violence. To e father's issue, i still hold him partly responsible for her death coz he should have at some point reported it to the cops. Since his daughter wasnt seeing reason he should have taken the neccesary action. Rip to the lady btw.

You know what they say at weddings,'parents please don't interfere in your children's marriage.Let them make their mistakes and learn from it'.
Perhaps,the dad didn't want to be seen as causing a separation in her daughter's marriage.
I won't have that if i were the father however.That was a situation where he needed to take control.

Captainswag225:
u are misunderstanding what i said,,, we all agree that domestic violence is bad and it shouldnt be condoned but in a situation where there is a disagreement btn a man and his wife and the wife attacks her husband. would u advice the man to hit his wife back? Its a no ryt? Thats what i meant. Such situations do happen whether u choose to admit it or deny it.....

Let us not debate this further, your message is bias! We can't mitigate domestic violence by propagating such message. My question is @ the bold, why would the wife attack? Isn't that domestic violence?

It's the responsibility of either party to ensure it doesn't degenerate into physical combat, not one. When u are quick to hit someone, u should also be ready to take responsibility for your actions and accept any counter attack that comes your way. Preaching a woman can hit a man studiously incite women to domestic violence. What happens to being a gentle woman?

Both gender should refrain from it, the mitigation of domestic violence requires the collective effort of everyone and anyone strong enough to instigate domestic violence, should also be strong enough to accept whatever comes after, not playing the victim card...

MMotimo:
^^^^
Good thread! Key message being "how are you helping?" vs the usual gender war threads that seem to have taken over this section

Couldn't agree more with the above.

@topic - I typed one long post yesterday but lost it so I'll see if I can summarize my points.

Like it's been noted already, it gets very complex trying to understand why people stay in abusive relationships. The reasons are not only numerous but sometimes difficult for sane people to understand. Asides some of the highlighted reasons like lack of financial power, lack of mental willpower to leave, low self esteem, fear of the unknown, inability to face the judgemental world etc there is also the psychological aspect to it. To me, I'll say this is the most complex of all cuz it's something that is deeply entrenched in the victim's psyche and more often than not, they are unable to adequately explain the true reason they are staying and all you hear is 'I am staying for my children'.

A woman once lived with her single mom who had a chain of boyfriends from time to time. Unfortunately, she was abused severely by these men and she alluded these abuses to not living in a stable home. Another woman was raised in foster homes and also attributed the abuses she endured as a child to not having a stable home unlike her peers who had the two protective parents doting on them. Yet another guy was raised by a step-mom as his own mom had divorced his father. The physical abuses he endured nearly killed his psyche as a man.
Now for these 3 people, they swore to protect their marriage against all odds, promising to give their own kids the love of both parents, something they lacked in their own childhood and which they believed was the source of the many problems in their lives.

Now, if people like this are going through abuses and enduring it, citing 'staying for the children' as reasons, it's difficult for you and I that were fortunate enough to be raised in stable homes and by both parents to understand these 'foolish' reasons of theirs but a little drilling down of their childhood might make us show more empathy.

In saying that, I think it's foolhardy to advice every person experiencing any form of abuse to leave especially in a country where there is no social help though I must confess, the Nigerian government is taking DV and rape more seriously now, hence the increase in the number of cases that is brought to the limelight everyday. For people going through DVs, they first need to to look inwards to determine if they are in anyway 'triggering' (not causing o) the violence themselves. Some women's sharp mouth can provoke the meekest angel to acts of domestic violence. However, if it's all about the abusive partner, then the victim has to be mentally, psychological and financially ready to live as a single parent. If that preparedness is not there, like it's been noted already, the victim will either always go back or eventually blame the support system that encouraged him/her out as being responsible for her single state. Financially, if one is unable to sustain himself or herself and any kids from the union, the outcome on the victim and kids could well turn out to be worse off than the initial DV problem.

Again, another reason why people leave is ambition/benefits. I guess that's more with the elites and though it might not be physical abuses but cheating/drug usage (sorry for slightly deviating) but remembering why Hilary Clinton didn't divorce Bill or why KhloeK is quick to call off her divorce with Lamar despite the outcry just show that people endure the unimaginable for personal ambitions/reasons.

Lastly, there are those who believe that marriage is for better for worse and whatever they are passing through is just a phase. Such people quote Kanwulia message that 'marriage is an investment for the future', so whatever they are going though currently should either be endured, overlooked or resolved by all means to safeguard tomorrow's investment. Who am I to say it's not?

In summary, my personal belief is that one should never stay in an abusive marriage especially where one cannot control the act in any way. For me, it's like living on a time bomb as death could come knocking anytime and that for which one was enduring is lost ultimately.



@cococandy - nice topic, balanced opening view. Well done. Meanwhile, I have never understood why you keep thinking some things are peculiar to Naija and Naija alone Like someone said sometime back, the bullshit is just packaged differently in other places. I can give you a million cases where a clear offender is not prosecuted at all, given light punishment or let off the hook early in our beloved Amelica, but as with western packaging, it comes under different "big big oyinbo" names like superior argument by defense lawyers, lack of adequate incriminating evidence etc
Take time o

thorpido:
Well said.It starts from the family and parents have to do a lot to raise their children to have confidence and a good self-esteem.Unfortunately,many women our mother's generation stayed in bad marriages and what they tell their daughters is 'endure','life is not a bed of roses','I also coped' etc.Things are changing anyway.

So, so true. Their mothers stayed in bad marriages and taught them to "endure".

I have an aunt, who "endured" a cheating, neglectful husband (polygamy, mistresses, spoke to her as if she was stvpid and uneducated constantly and put her down) and it broke her heart. Since she meant to be "submissive" (according to the wrong definition of what society thinks submission was), she kept quiet to her husband but passed on all her anger and hurt to her children. She over-loved and pampered her boys (seeking validation from males in her life) but was hard on the girls. She best her eldest daughter to the point of giving her a mark over some small slight. Her abusive language to all her kids had no part 2: she would scream "I hate you, I don't love you, if you don't eat your food and fall sick in the hospital, I will never come and see you, you're stvpid etc" over breaking plates, not answering her summons or errands correctly, even playing too much.

That man and his wife stayed married for over 26 years (to the delight of society) but destroyed all their children.

They are all grown up now. First daughter married a man who beat for 12 years till she lost a pregnancy. 2nd daughter married a decent man but keeps waiting for him to vex and cheat and beat her (and is emotionally distant). 3rd daughter has a raging temper, takes it out on the maids (luckily she has a decent spouse who is trying to help her get over her temper). 1st son married a manipulative woman (and his marriage is about to fall apart), 2nd son refuses to get married (he's close to 40).

Nigerian society (made up of you and i) condones systemic abuse and brings up abusers and victims daily.

I also know a physically abusive woman (2 failed marriages and ex-husband's who refuse to keep in touch with even their kids). She's violent to everyone in her life, an avid churchgoer and cries when confronted with her crimes (it is always the victim's fault she lost her temper). Her family keeps shielding her from any wahala by psychologically convincing the victim he/she was at fault (they made one apologise to the woman whilst the bruises on her face were developing). Their reason? "It is a family matter, she will lose her kids if you say anything, we warned you not to live in your own house with her, she's your elder, people will laugh if they hear she hit a man".

Abusers and victims are grown in the gardens of their homes.

I think it is dangerous to tell victims to stay, no matter the lack of support in Nigerian society. It is better to leave and be wretched than stay. You're destroying your children (they will learn what they see in their homes).

And there's no justification for losing your temper to violence. There are people who can control their anger. Walk away, walk away, walk away. Walk and don't look back. A man I heard of, whose pregnant wife liked to grab his shirt in anger, screaming insults, never hit her back. He walked and she spent months begging and apologising, even after the baby came. He insisted on medical intervention or he refused to come back home. So she got it and today they are healthier and happier.

I have a temper and I know I hit a mental wall when I see a fight getting somewhere i cannot control. So does Le Husbs. We actually stay apart until our madness has passed. He could justify himself by slapping me and saying I provoked him and I could justify myself by saying he's doing this and that to me and it made me grab his things and throw it around or follow him screaming abuse around the house. We don't. We make a deliberate effort not to. Control is for the great, lack of control is for the weak.

We need to re condition societal thinking: abuse and violence begets more and eye service is not normal and unhealthy. Don't demonize victims (demonizing victims is because you have never lived through such and cannot understand it, so you start apportioning blame to make sense of it).

My Role in my area? .... Lots.. but like Yoruba adage says; only God will reward my silent effort. And one good deserves another. Ma jere ohun ti moba fowomishe (pardon me)

Well as y'all aware how incriminating divorce is veiwed in our society & how the abused-turned-single -parents are segregated in churches especially coz 'God hates divorce'... we (women) designed a silent group as a medium to include single parents to be part of church members as opposed to just invite them over which they always decline to avoid malicious questions from the crowd.

.....

I went through many posts and all I can say is 'she/he who wears the shoes knows where it pinch', so , deliberations as to who, where how and what, precipitates abuse in a relationship cannot be pinpoint. It's not black and white as we all think.

My prayer is that, God should have mercy on them and give them that wisdom and swift sense , open their blurred eyes to be able to leave when the situation becomes unbearable before it's too late.

Onegai:


So, so true. Their mothers stayed in bad marriages and taught them to "endure".

I have an aunt, who "endured" a cheating, neglectful husband (polygamy, mistresses, spoke to her as if she was stvpid and uneducated constantly and put her down) and it broke her heart. Since she meant to be "submissive" (according to the wrong definition of what society thinks submission was), she kept quiet to her husband but passed on all her anger and hurt to her children. She over-loved and pampered her boys (seeking validation from males in her life) but was hard on the girls. She best her eldest daughter to the point of giving her a mark over some small slight. Her abusive language to all her kids had no part 2: she would scream "I hate you, I don't love you, if you don't eat your food and fall sick in the hospital, I will never come and see you, you're stvpid etc" over breaking plates, not answering her summons or errands correctly, even playing too much.

That man and his wife stayed married for over 26 years (to the delight of society) but destroyed all their children.

They are all grown up now. First daughter married a man who beat for 12 years till she lost a pregnancy. 2nd daughter married a decent man but keeps waiting for him to vex and cheat and beat her (and is emotionally distant). 3rd daughter has a raging temper, takes it out on the maids (luckily she has a decent spouse who is trying to help her get over her temper). 1st son married a manipulative woman (and his marriage is about to fall apart), 2nd son refuses to get married (he's close to 40).

Nigerian society (made up of you and i) condones systemic abuse and brings up abusers and victims daily.

I also know a physically abusive woman (2 failed marriages and ex-husband's who refuse to keep in touch with even their kids). She's violent to everyone in her life, an avid churchgoer and cries when confronted with her crimes (it is always the victim's fault she lost her temper). Her family keeps shielding her from any wahala by psychologically convincing the victim he/she was at fault (they made one apologise to the woman whilst the bruises on her face were developing). Their reason? "It is a family matter, she will lose her kids if you say anything, we warned you not to live in your own house with her, she's your elder, people will laugh if they hear she hit a man".

Abusers and victims are grown in the gardens of their homes.

So true.Unfortunately,for a lot of victims(women especially),it's the children they stay for that get psychologically damaged.

cococandy:
I'll be back to continue posting.

please and please I beg you in the name of God stop posting more.I couldn't even finish watching every thing. It's disturbing my sensibilities


I know you have a good Intention but this time around the fault or blame of domestic violence is the victims involved. Yes I said so because when God created you he created you as a human being not a scapegoat. Hence if you are receiving that kind of violence everyday and you subject yourself to be stripped naked and beaten like a ram and you haven't left or reported to the appropriate authorities e.g the pastor or imams that joined you,parents and I laws then the police so that they will put animals where they Belong to but you're there for the sake of the children or love or money or I don't want them to laugh at me you deserve the beatings

Iya o kanwuliajara over to you. I refuse to allow this videos spoil my day