₦airaland Forum

TV01:
The history of marriage – and from different perspectives/cultures – makes great reading/discussing if one is interested. However, when one understands what marriage is for and why it came into being – as opposed to what it is often used for – then it won’t lead to sharp disagreements.

It is pointless us discussing in depth because of your basic positions on marriage & love, where the two intersect and the morality surrounding them. You ascribe a morality or righteousness of sorts to proclamations/feelings of emotional love. And on the basis of this, a justification for any actions predicated on it.

Hence, you see nothing wrong with someone being prepared to wreck a marriage, or abandon their responsibilities in pursuit of the object of their love.

You are even happy to employ a biblical definition of love – which is diametrically opposed to what you believe - with no sense of irony? The bible talks about a selfless, sacrificial love, yours is a selfish, inconsiderate and often harmful desire. You have to be trolling me?


My post here – especially the final 3/4 paragraphs - was specifically for those who may not spot the error. https://www.nairaland.com/2694078/hes-good-man-should-she/1#39449692. You see marriage as being justified by feelings or desires, when indeed, it’s the other way round. In doing so, you empty marriage of its purpose and meaning – and are prone to beliefs such as the following;


Just as you believe that marriage does not have to /was not meant to be permanent. As noted, nobody stops anyone from having the relationship they desire, and living it the way they choose. But not all relationships qualify as marriage.

You are not interested in marriage


TV

TV01:
You are welcome, hopefully.


I can try, the real question is can you properly handle it?


Yes I am - and that affects your friends marriage dilemna how exactly?


Here goes; words of wisdom will be all but wasted on your friend. Until she forms a considered view of what marriage is and what it entails, she will not truly appreciate the qualities of a worthy partner, appreciate them and then set herself to - as love is indeed an act - desire and fall in love with someone who possess those characteristics.

She is basically just a child, tossed around by indeterminate emotions and feelings. She is not ready for marriage. She needs instruction - and perhaps discipline - not wisdom.

She will marry unthinkingly and then come here to be claiming "abusive marriage" to heartfelt solidarity from divorce campaigners. Like an "abusive marriage" is something one orders online - go to BuyRght sef, you'll find a "buy one get one free".

I'm not in the mood - perhaps you should have gone to the romance section !


TV

^{...one day I may reconsider my view that most women would benefit from their fathers and family elders helping arrange their marriages - maybe one day}

AlPeter:
Sir, I prostrate finish!
I have been reading your comments on different issues and they are always spot on. May God give you more wisdom.

frisby:
But to be frank, I stopped feeling like the OP about 2 pages ago.

frisby:
@ TV01 and mindfulness
... I think it might just be the burning-hot sun and insane traffic jam, because it's taking all of the intelligence I can muster to still manage to clutch on to this discussion, something must really be messing with my comprehension


Well so far, these are what I've learned :

1. There is no manual for love and marriage

2. The "right" person so to marry ultimately should be dependent on what matters the most to a person in a marriage, as people marry for various reasons.

3. There's a chance my friend will never grow to love "good man" but this doesn't stop them from having a good marriage, as marriage entails more than just feelings of affection....?

4. My friend is naive and misguided, and needs to redefine her priorities.

5. I'm not nearly as bright as I have always thought married people are on a totally different league.


Thanks everyone for your inputs.
They're very much appreciated.

GHoJes:
That somebody is perfect doesnt mean you must like him and it doesnt make you bad if you dont like the person.

You accepted him for pressure's sake and have tolerated him like one cant say no because you neither have the balls nor do you want to hurt him...how long can you go with this?
You know how much you do not enjoy his presence yet you managed it for 3years as there were more apart than together moments. Have you consider how you will survive in marriage with him close to your skin always? You prolly will be irritated by him and anything he does, deny him sex, make both lives miserable and by then exit might be more damaging.

People who marry for reasons other love, lost it somewhere or do so for greed. Take away that condition and the marriage is gone. Love is the only selfless and most noble condition.

Nonetheless, i noticed a tiny ray of hope in your relationship, i wanted to explore with you. If that hope yield nothing, its also for your good you let him go.

Mindfulness:
Very likely scenario.

The truth is that a man and a woman NATURALLY come together for reasons of procreation and the dynamics of procreation and mating behavior are VERY MUCH based on the biochemical reactions, which help people, and also animals, select the mate with the best genes. These biochemical reactions make people feel attracted to one person and not another, create feelings of euphoria and excitement, a strong desire to be with someone and not someone else. Some people call these feelings love and others infatuation. Whatever we may call it, it is indisputable that such biochemical reactions are naturally given to ensure some degree of pair-bonding, which is NATURALLY temporal and not permanent, to ensure the survival of the offspring and with it that of the human species.

Consequently, if you tell people to select their partners based on pure reason, you pretty much violate natural laws and this explains the high level of irritation in such scenarios as you described above.

GHoJes:
Well posited. In addition, if she goes for the guy's perfection, what does he get in return for his expectation from her? What if his major expectation is love returned? Then again the man needs a favourable or comfortable atmosphere from her to continue being good to her.

People who marry for other reasons reach a mutual agreement both can offer eg money and beauty.

Mindfulness:
I am wondering why this man has not yet noticed that she is not that much into him.

GHoJes:
As it is with most women who love blindly, when a man truly loves, he hardly gives much weight to her shortcomings plus men are not as sensitive as women to details not forgetting she has been in school for the most part or he is living in denial hoping marriage will improve things.

Still i dont think all hope is lost yet.

TV01:
You are too kind...thank you. And amen to your gracious prayer, may it rebound to you many fold.


TV

[size=4pt]Perhaps, what's up?[/size]