SAMBARRY:
Is it the women Non governmental organisations
or court or friends that adviced her to report her husband to the police that will provide a roof over her head or give her a job

johnson232:

Cococandy any plans as regards the bold so far? Inciting women to divorce is easy, what is difficult is life after divorce.

This one that u are preaching and advocating divorce, do u have any proposed plan in view that will cater for the divorcee? Honestly I think u need to channel this crusade holistically and in a more detailed format. Like an elder statesman of this section rightly pointed out, we have various degree of abuse, which may become value laden depending on our personal interpretation.

Abuse constitute part of our everyday life, on a varying level. Personally, life itself is abusive and unfair, but does that warrant suicide? The way u propagate and promulgate divorce makes it seem like the optimum and ultimate solution to marital crisis, which is very far from the truth. Challenges do come up in every facet of our lives, of which some are one off.

U can't totally take perseverance, endurance, tolerance and patience from any fruitful marriage, likewise anything good. My mum once exercised these qualities and today she is reaping the benefit. In as much we are agitating against DV, we should as much try to preach divorce as the least option, not as the first, ultimate and optimum solution.

The emotional and psychological long term effect of divorce on the kids and every one involved isn't what any one would wish to experience. The divorcees in the house can attest to this. Tone down on divorce, DV can never be totally eradicated, even though most women portray victims to be preponderantly women, but children also suffer from DV perpetrated by their mothers, any campaign on this?

Pls don't devalue the marriage institution by parading divorce as the optimum solution to frivolous marital issues....

johnson232:

Cococandy any plans as regards the bold so far? Inciting women to divorce is easy, what is difficult is life after divorce.

This one that u are preaching and advocating divorce, do u have any proposed plan in view that will cater for the divorcee? Honestly I think u need to channel this crusade holistically and in a more detailed format. Like an elder statesman of this section rightly pointed out, we have various degree of abuse, which may become value laden depending on our personal interpretation.

Abuse constitute part of our everyday life, on a varying level. Personally, life itself is abusive and unfair, but does that warrant suicide? The way u propagate and promulgate divorce makes it seem like the optimum and ultimate solution to marital crisis, which is very far from the truth. Challenges do come up in every facet of our lives, of which some are one off.

U can't totally take perseverance, endurance, tolerance and patience from any fruitful marriage, likewise anything good. My mum once exercised these qualities and today she is reaping the benefit. In as much we are agitating against DV, we should as much try to preach divorce as the least option, not as the first, ultimate and optimum solution.

The emotional and psychological long term effect of divorce on the kids and every one involved isn't what any one would wish to experience. The divorcees in the house can attest to this. Tone down on divorce, DV can never be totally eradicated, even though most women portray victims to be preponderantly women, but children also suffer from DV perpetrated by their mothers, any campaign on this?

Pls don't devalue the marriage institution by parading divorce as the optimum solution to frivolous marital issues....

Chidoks:
Lord have mercy! Sometimes I wonder how the abused folks carry on regardless if the risk and danger involved. The children are my major concern. witnessing such brutality is capable of making a beast out of any child.

johnson232:

U can't totally take perseverance, endurance, tolerance and patience from any fruitful marriage, likewise anything good. My mum once exercised these qualities and today she is reaping the benefit.

SirWere:
Gender violence is bad but some women sef..
Last week, our neighbours were fighting. Now, the man was an introvert, rarely speaks, always calm while the wife was a confirmed wildcat. Now, the man was trying to leave but the wife was blocking his way. Everybody saw that the man was visibly fighting for calm but the woman kept blocking him, while shouting. Finally, as the man saw the exit, the woman grabbed his arm and he turned round and slapped her! Everybody there was shocked because this was not the first time they fought like this. Now, the women kept holding his arm and saying "you will kill me today". The man however removed her arm and left the place and would you believe it, the WOMEN there were the ones saying she ought to be beaten!!!

SirWere:
Another case I witnessed was when I went to visit my uncle. Now, one day, we went to his office together (hello, free WIFI) and when we met heavy traffic when he was coming home and finally we got home around 9:30pm. Now, when my uncle asked for food, she said "he will have to eat from where he is coming from". Now, my uncle was just looking at her when she said "What will you do?" in that insolent way. My uncle found his cool and just walked away; a trait I admire cause I would have beaten the hell out of her.

SirWere:
@Op, there are many cases when the man wants to walk away but then the woman keeps goading him- and then cries foul when he hits her.....
Speaking from Observation

johnson232:

Cococandy any plans as regards the bold so far? Inciting women to divorce is easy, what is difficult is life after divorce.

This one that u are preaching and advocating divorce, do u have any proposed plan in view that will cater for the divorcee? Honestly I think u need to channel this crusade holistically and in a more detailed format. Like an elder statesman of this section rightly pointed out, we have various degree of abuse, which may become value laden depending on our personal interpretation.

Abuse constitute part of our everyday life, on a varying level.Personally, life itself is abusive and unfair, but does that warrant suicide? The way u propagate and promulgate divorce makes it seem like the optimum and ultimate solution to marital crisis, which is very far from the truth. Challenges do come up in every facet of our lives, of which some are one off.

U can't totally take perseverance, endurance, tolerance and patience from any fruitful marriage, likewise anything good. My mum once exercised these qualities and today she is reaping the benefit. In as much we are agitating against DV, we should as much try to preach divorce as the least option, not as the first, ultimate and optimum solution.

The emotional and psychological long term effect of divorce on the kids and every one involved isn't what any one would wish to experience. The divorcees in the house can attest to this. Tone down on divorce, DV can never be totally eradicated, even though most women portray victims to be preponderantly women, but children also suffer from DV perpetrated by their mothers, any campaign on this?

Pls don't devalue the marriage institution by parading divorce as the optimum solution to frivolous marital issues....

tearoses:


Its very complex
Some people can actually see the mistakes and dont want to go down the same route their parents went
and some people just carry on doing the same things they saw their parents doing . . . BAU

Probably the mindset and expectations then was different too for all parties.
My discussions have moved on from domestic violence now and I am just talking in general

I think you misunderstood my first post

cococandy:
So she was the abusive person in the relationship to start with.
Are you asking if what he did in retaliation counts as abuse.
Technically it is 'self defense' I guess. although it doesn't meet the total requirements to be defined as such because it was pre planned. But her own violent attitude beget that.

It does have the potential to become abuse if he begins to see violence as a way of solving any disputes between them.

bukatyne:


If they were happy, we will not have a lot of damaged adults today

Considering the fact how people say today's ladies are lazier, maybe older women had other aspirations.

Besides, I don't think aspiring to be a Mrs. only is the problem (afterall, if the marriage was sweet, it would have given the kids a model to look forward to)..... it is staying in terrible marriages at all costs and bringing forth damaged offsprings that is my issue.

Besides I thought their investigations was to see if there were thieves, strange/premature deaths, ritualists, madness, epilepsy etc. and not really character flaws because I doubt abuse in all forms was seen as a character flaw.

buggaboo:


Agree with the bolded.
However leaving or staying in an terrible marriage can both lead to raising highly dysfunctional adults. I have seen live examples of both.
The peculiarities of the situation should determine the better option.

Captainswag225:
i dont know some people define love,,., they even see abuse as love,,, we should learn to draw e line btn love and violence. To e father's issue, i still hold him partly responsible for her death coz he should have at some point reported it to the cops. Since his daughter wasnt seeing reason he should have taken the neccesary action. Rip to the lady btw.

TV01:
Domestic violence – I suppose it’s worthy of discussion, although not something I’m personally that interested in. Many reasons for that, but one is that I rarely hear it parsed objectively and unemotionally. And I have personally seen a wide range – if not the full spectrum of DV.

My first point is about the term “abuse” itself. When I was younger it was essentially to be “verbally rude”. Now it seems it has become a catch-all term for any kind of wrong or “perceived” wrong behaviour.

Terms should always be clearly clarified before, or during discussion. Many households exist in what could be described as “low-level conflict”. This can be anything from rows, silent-treatment, to what one may term light physical altercations.

These are often jointly provoked and engaged it, and typically don’t escalate to requiring “intervention” – or only minimally. It can happen for a number of reasons and for different time spans - and yes, as they grow and mature together, many couples get beyond this.

Secondly, it’s routinely discussed as something men do to women, which even if physical abuse is preponderously against women, is simply not the case. And often women are given a free pass when it comes to their abuse – verbal or physical. That doesn’t help anyone.

The term domestic violence captures all relationships, not just marriage. And of all domestic arrangements, marriage remains the safest for women and children.

Female/female relationships are the most violent, followed by male/male, then male/female unwed, before you get to marriage proper. Talking of DV as if it’s something that occurs in marriages only, is again skewed at best and damaging at worst.

But my main concern is around divorce. Many jump from “abuse” to “divorce” – as if one is the logical outcome of the other. The next step is to condemn the stigma around divorce, and demand that divorce be de-stigmatised.

Divorce is stigmatised for a reason – and rightly so. Tying abuse to divorce is like tying abortion to rape. As I stated above, lots of what may be termed abuse does not warrant divorce. And, lots of divorces have nothing to do with abuse per se.

Under the rubric of de-stigmatising divorce for “abuse victims”, there is the risk of de-stigmatising divorce as a whole, which weakens the marriage institution.

We already see the escalating numbers of what are frivolous divorces, compounded by ill-founded marriages, as if divorce is “not a thing”, then marriage itself loses its gravity, and is not entered into with the right degree of sobriety.

Then there are the long-term outcomes. As much as many portray divorce as a neat solution to DV, it is never that simple – and I speak specifically about where kids are involved.

Divorce always damages kids – how badly may vary. Tropes like the “kids just want their parents to be happy”, or the “kids will be happier if I am happy”, are just that, mindless tropes. Children are happier if their parents stay together and attend to their needs. Yes kids are selfish and blinkered – although not as much as some adults it seems.

Not only does it damage them in the moment, but the damage can be deep-seated, even generational, as it goes on to affect how they form and engage in relationships and their views on marriage.

And beyond children, walking away from a marriage is not that simple. It’s akin to bereavement and psychologically very hard to deal with. Even with financial independence and a decent support system, the future can be very bleak.

So yes, it’s worth enduring, and worth seeking a solution to a troubled union – even if “abuse” is part of that trouble. The question should be around how long and at what point.

So I guess another reason is that I personally feel efforts are best focused on preparing people for marriage, to minimise the probability of abuse and divorce as an outcome. And I say marriage, as I have no truck with domestic arrangements outside it.

Not saying there are no benefits in DV crusades or campaigns, by all means, carry go, but at least try not to hamper the efforts of marriage advocates by valorising divorce.

Please don’t quote me stupid.


TV

EfemenaXY:


Yes, he should have.

In matters concerning life & death, you take firm actions and not dice around with indecisions. Life has no duplicates.

Sad story though, but hopefully, lessons have been learnt. Divorce is NOTHING compared to death.

SAMBARRY:
there's a Yoruba addage that institutionalizes violence especially domestic violence. It says you don't sue a person to court,leave the court and expect to be friends in other words women are afraid that from court to divorce and the ones afraid are those that depend 100percenent on their husband for everything financially. And they feel they're old unattractive and so no one will employ them or marry them.where do theh want to start their lives after the husband sends them away soon after he's released from prison.hence divorce can only be a little convenient for a woman that has a source of income. How about those who don't. Is it the women Non governmental organisations
or court or friends that adviced her to report her husband to the police that will provide a roof over her head or give her a job

EfemenaXY:


So what do you suggest? That they continue putting their lives at risk because death is a much better option compared to being made homeless??

SAMBARRY:
I'm only giving reasons why some women stay in a dead marriage. they know they don't have a choice so they stay there enduring the violence hoping that one day their children WIll become millionaires and take them away from their misery.

It is very easy to sit down in Lagos and be judging someone else in kano because you don't know what options are around her.

EfemenaXY:


So you're saying the only option open to them is DEATH, abi? Endure till they get killed.

You think being rendered homeless and destitute is a worse fate than death. Is that what you're preaching here, Sambarry??

Re: the underlined bit - there's nothing to judge. It's common sense. You either choose to die or you choose to live.

LIFE or DEATH.

Which is it, Sambarry?

youngice:

I read an article about a guy who was dating a girl that he was older than with 9 years, he was Intent on marrying the girl, they were out and about for a few months, they had a normal couples argument and she slapped him , he warned her not to try it again, the guy said that the girl hits him during most of their arguments.
On a faithful day they for the party of one of the guys colleagues , the girl was misbehaving so the guy cautioned her and she slapped him at the party.
The guy quietly left the party , when the girl came home she started begging the guy, he replied that he had forgiven her but he wants to teach her a lesson, he used his belt to beat her blue black .and told her that she shouldn't mistake self control for weakness,

smartmom:
@Efemena, in the past 3 weeks or so I have been hearing waaayyy too many stories of domestic violence and it causes me to hyperventilate just to hear about it. I see red to hear about these women. Just today it was about a 36 year old woman who suffered the classical profile of an abused woman; cut off from friends and family, obsessive hubby, physically abusive, imprisonment and eventually died of medical neglect wife of a PASTOR. Heartbreaking story of what society does to womanhood in Nigeria. I just wonder what these women think? when(when not if) they die, who is going to give them an award for endurance? who will be there for their children? their siblings and parents? the man will replace them before you say Jack!!!! NOTHING is worth any life. Penury, homelessness, whatever, is better than ending up dead!

daxlasaint:


I still there is no excuse under the sun ( or moon) that justifies a man hitting a woman he supposedly loves ( or even hates).... if he couldn't stick her disrespect then he should have just left her... abi na marriage wan kill the slapping spirit the girl in question seems possessed with?

youngice:

I understand the guys P.O.V

bukatyne:


They stayed married to the end.

What can beat that?

daxlasaint:


And I do too, but he still has no reasonable reason for beating her up... this domestic violence ish isn't only a man to woman thingy... he should have left first time she slapped him, he gave her permission to continue by not leaving, so he should have just continue to enjoy the bed he laid for himself

youngice:

Leaving the first time it occurred is synonymous with running from problems instead of solving it

daxlasaint:


You donot solve the problem of domestic violence... if it happens once it will happen again, and everytime apologies "may" follow with promises of on repetition but it wee happen again...

youngice:

Hers was an issue of disrespect

smartmom:
@Efemena, in the past 3 weeks or so I have been hearing waaayyy too many stories of domestic violence and it causes me to hyperventilate just to hear about it. I see red to hear about these women. Just today it was about a 36 year old woman who suffered the classical profile of an abused woman; cut off from friends and family, obsessive hubby, physically abusive, imprisonment and eventually died of medical neglect wife of a PASTOR. Heartbreaking story of what society does to womanhood in Nigeria. I just wonder what these women think? when(when not if) they die, who is going to give them an award for endurance? who will be there for their children? their siblings and parents? the man will replace them before you say Jack!!!! NOTHING is worth any life. Penury, homelessness, whatever, is better than ending up dead!

bukatyne:

They stayed married to the end.
What can beat that?

EfemenaXY:


Not everyone who claims to be a "pastor" is a pastor. You also get all sorts of desperate crooks claiming to be what they aren't. Anyway, that's a story for another day. In the meantime, I get the point of your message. There are countless examples.

I think for there to be any radical changes, it should start from the homefront. i.e the grassroots. Parents should strive to live by example. There are certain things kids should be privy to - especially when the parents have disagreements and are airing them out (hotly). Secondly, parents should teach their kids / wards (both sexes), that abuse is an absolute no-no. Kids should be taught that abuse should never be meted out to anyone and it certainly shouldn't be "endured" for the sake of keeping up appearances.



Society.