₦airaland Forum

We’ve all been there. When the “newly single” excitement wears off and we realize we still have our old bad habits. The realization happens after dating two or three shitty people in a row that all seemed “different” but all ended up exactly the same.

We don’t notice it until we’re sitting with our friends having literally the exact same conversation about needing “someone who has their shit together” or “someone who isn’t scared of commitment” two weeks in a row about two different people. You know it’s bad when your bestie stops you midsentence to ask “Wait are you still talking about Dele, Nkechi or Hassan?

So we sit down and write a list of the things we really need in a relationship. What does a great partner look like. Maybe we might create a list of “How I want to feel in a relationship” for the more evolved women. I have a notebook full of these lists.

(Hopefully – after reading this you’ll never want to do that again.)

Relationships fail when we create rules and expectations. Those rules are often disguised as “needs” and “wants”. Don’t worry – there’s a better way to get to the same result.



I want someone creative

I need someone who loves me unconditionally

I need to feel fully supported

I need someone who’s open and honest

I need someone who deals with my crazy family

etc

.

Without these rules we feel like we would let someone walk all over us, take advantage of our love and break our heart. It’s a well-meaning effort to find a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. But it isn’t fixing the real issue.



The problem isn’t that you can’t trust other people. It’s that you don’t trust yourself.

We create these rules to ensure that we don’t let bad relationships slip past the gatekeepers of common sense and rationality when we are caught up in the throbbing chemistry experiment of new love.

But common sense and rationality aren’t the voices you need to listen to. They work with the information that they. That info often says “there’s no reason NOT to date this guy, I guess”.

It’s your intuition that’s always spot on. It can see and feel things that won’t become rational for another six months.

Too many people beat themselves up by asking “How could I have not known? or “Why was I such a blind idiot?” “How did I miss all the red flags?” Because the flags didn’t show up for a year and a half. It’s not your fault for not seeing them.

The better question is “Why didn’t I listen to my intuition?”

We listen to our rational brain and it fails us, but our intuition is always right. ALWAYS.

We have been trained to analyze every interaction and text conversation to make sure the relationship is “working”. We need to justify that sense that things “just doesn’t feel right”. Why? There’s no need to overanalyze when you trust that your gut feels something you can’t see (yet).

Everything changes when you start listening to your gut intuition and start acting intelligently – not just rationally. Emotional intelligence is saying:

“this guy is amazing on paper – he checks all the boxes on my list – but he feels kind of dodgy. I’m out. No explanation needed.”

I believe having a list of criteria is important. But not a list of rules that a relationship needs to follow. A list of promises that you make and keep for yourself.

The way to build self-confidence and self-trust is to make small promises to yourself. And keep them!

Seriously, fortheloveofgod, keep those promises.

Here are a couple of my most recent promises to myself.

I promise:

Not to date anyone who relies on texting to communicate – call me.

To occasionally question my assumptions

To always make my own plans for life and then be flexible to fit with someone else’s

To never prioritize convenience over awesomeness

To accept that I can’t fix everything

To say things that are awkward

To say things that are important even if they hurt feelings

To ask myself “is this really important” before nagging. And to nag if the answer is “yes”.

To expect better sex. And ask for it in detail.

To say “i don’t know”

To accept that not everyone needs to get along

To know the difference between being hurt and not getting my way

To love myself first

To get out of a relationship early

To get back in a relationship if it was right

To surround myself with people and things that make me feel

To eat chocolate even when I feel chubby

To take responsibility for my own life

Gabriel E Junior
Social Media Strategist, Blogger & Scientist

https://dantewest./2015/12/27/stop-dating-the-wrong-people/

Ok

OK but who go come date them?

So how r we going to know who d right nd wrong person is

U won't know just by looking at dem

myfantasies:
So how r we going to know who d right nd wrong person is


U won't know just by looking at dem

You will definitely know by your intuition.

Have you ever felt awkward when somethings are wrong?

For instance, i have a lady who seem to really love me but my intuition is telling me i would regret it if i mistakenly marry or impregnate her.

yemmit90:
You will definitely know by your intuition.

Have you ever felt awkward when somethings are wrong?

For instance, i have a lady who seem to really love me but my intuition is telling me i would regret it if i mistakenly marry or impregnate her.

Hmmmmm


Most times our intuition is wrong

myfantasies:
Hmmmmm

Most times our intuition is wrong

They are wrong only if one is doubting.