Mindfulness:


I have been doing it for two years now. You don't need to meditate for hours. 15 minutes are enough to quiet your mind a little bit.

That's dope. I tried. I even downloaded this meditation app called Headspace. Heard of it? You're supposed to meditate only 10 minutes for 10 days in a row as a trail, guided. I tried it for a total of two days and failed...

miserably. I'm pretty sure I don't have ADHD

;

EnlightenedSoul:


That's dope. I tried. I even downloaded this meditation app called Headspace. Heard of it? You're supposed to meditate only 10 minutes for 10 days in a row as a trail, guided. I tried it for a total of two days and failed...

miserably. I'm pretty sure I don't have ADHD

I don't know this app.

You may want to try guided meditation.

Mindfulness:


I see you have enough life experience so that you don't argue like a teenager.

I mean, I think other ideas are just as valid. These are just my thoughts and observervations.

All emotions have a purpose. They are an indicator.
Jealousy indicates your feelings of insecurity.

Yh, but what's the point of that?

Having said all that, I'm pretty sure I'd feel jealous af if I were cheated on and I know I'm not a forgiving person, like, at all.

Mindfulness:




I don't know this app.

You may want to try guided meditation.

It was guided. Maybe it was the guy's voice or something...Idk. I might give it another go, lol.

EnlightenedSoul:


I mean, I think other ideas are just as valid. These are just my thoughts and observervations.

Absolutely. The biggest problem is that people are made to believe that there is a one size fit all type of relationship / marriage.

Yh, but what's the point of that?

Having said all that, I'm pretty sure I'd feel jealous af if I were cheated on and I know I'm not a forgiving person, like, at all.

What exactly would you be jealous of?

Jahblessme:
Who said they don't forgive? ? After the difficulty and long thinking they call it giving second chance
The ones that forgive don't make.noise about it cos it may be seen as a slight on their masculinity. Many forgive and move on!

byvan03:
I don't believe that women forgive either, you will be stunned on the number of men that forgive once it's not yet public news. Don't let the E bravery they display here deceive you,nah wash.

Especially in London
The ones I have heard about are jaw dropping
They cheat wella and life goes on

Many times the man is cheating too though
I know of 2 who cheated and their husbands turned a blind eye.

Another one introduced her boyfriend to her husband as her cousin
The husband is in Naija & wifey is in Obodo
The wifey sends her bf to their house in Naija
This is a true story . . .not nollywood.
The day hubby finds out, that bf is dead meat.

About a year ago there was a very public beef with all these London women exposing themselves and their escapades.
Many of them were married at the time.
Must be something in Thames water

Mindfulness:


Sorry for your loss and thank you for your prayers.

However, my opinion says nothing about the life I live, the marriage I have and my husband's behavior. And chances are higher that I die in a road accident than from STDs.

So you are do as I say not do as I do, I have taken time to read most of what you wrote and I just can't really understand what you want to achieve, you are a good writer no doubt but there are no gains in writing to confuse people. To cheat is a bad act because it is immoral and whosoever does it, exhibits bad character and such fellow is a bad person on that basis even though he has other good acts.
Someone gave the example of Hiv and you just chickened out, why not say more on that based on your argument that seems to explain what could be behind character traits.

bjcole:


So you are do as I say not do I do, I have taken time to read most of what you wrote and I just can't really understand what you want to achieve, you are good writer no doubt but there are no gains in writing to confuse people, to cheat is a bad act because it is immoral and whosoever does it exhibits bad character and such fellow is a bad person on that basis even though he has other good acts.

Thanks for the compliment but I do not consider myself to be a good writer. I am great speaker though.

What i want to achieve? Is there anything to be achieved here? I am just having fun in thinking outside the box.
As for the rest of your post, you are entitled to your opinion.

Someone gave the example of Hiv and you just chickened out, why not say more on that based on your argument that seems to explain what could be behind character traits.

Ever heard of condoms?

tearoses:


Especially in London
The ones I have heard about are jaw dropping
They cheat wella and life goes on

Many times the man is cheating too though
I know of 2 who cheated and their husbands turned a blind eye.

Another one introduced her boyfriend to her husband as her cousin
The husband is in Naija & wifey is in Obodo
The wifey sends her bf to their house in Naija
This is a true story . . .not nollywood.
The day hubby finds out, that bf is dead meat.

About a year ago there was a very public beef with all these London women exposing themselves and their escapades.
Many of them were married at the time.
Must be something in Thames water

@bold

Mindfulness:


Absolutely. The biggest problem is that people are made to believe that there is a one size fit all type of relationship / marriage.

I totally 1000% agree with you there.

What exactly would you be jealous of?

There's nothing logical about it. I know most of the sex we have as humans is physical, emotionless release. We shouldn't attach meaning to it outside a loving relationship, but we often do. It's a visceral reaction. Hardwired, perhaps. It doesn't make any sense, and even to get rid of it is easier said than done. I've seen polys get jealous even despite their more logical approach (IMO). You wouldn't/don't get jealous? At all?

Mindfulness:



@bold

aka distant relative & grew up together etc

The thread kind of took on an existential feel from what the OP began as.

I think turning the topic away from why the hypocrisy exists when a woman is the cheater vs. a man to a conversation about the societal pressures of monogamy serves to make the cheater into a victim. The victim is the person who was cheated on.

Few ppl are literally being forced into their relationships. So, if you voluntarily make a vow then break it, that's on you. Then is not the time to blame "society" for making you get married or enter a monogamous relationship. That's just further showing "bad character" by not being willing to accept responsibility for your actions.

There is no excuse for cheating. It's wrong. That we all do things that are wrong doesn't change that fact.

tearoses:


aka distant relative & grew up together etc

It cracked me up. I know a man who introduced his Nigerian wife as his cousin to his white wife. I didn't know people introduce their lovers as cousins too.

EnlightenedSoul:


I totally 1000% agree with you there.



There's nothing logical about it. I know most of the sex we have as humans is physical, emotionless, release. We shouldn't attach meaning to it outside a loving relationship, but we often do. It's a visceral reaction. Hardwired, perhaps. It doesn't make any sense, and even to get rid of it is easier said than done. I've seen polys get jealous even despite their more logical approach (IMO). You wouldn't/don't get jealous? At all?

I used to be very jealous when i was a little bit younger. I discovered that it was fear of abandonment and also some self-esteem issues I was having as young woman, which most young women have. I no longer suffer from the fear of abandonment and I am extremely self-confident, even to the point that people say I am a bit narcissistic and I sort of am so no I do not feel jealous anymore at all. It is a thing of the past. However, it was jealousy among other things that helped me become who I am today. Jealousy is not a nice feeling, it is nagging and poisonous, not only to the person feeling it but to relationships in general and I decided to get rid of it. And as with all things that I set my mind to accomplish, I succeeded and life has become much easier this way. I am now able to enjoy relationships in a way I was not able to before.

Mindfulness:


Thanks for the compliment but I do not consider myself to be a good writer. I am great speaker though.

What i want to achieve? Is there anything to be achieved here? I am just having fun in thinking outside the box.
As for the rest of your post, you are entitled to your opinion.



Ever heard of condoms?

It is good to think out of the box and I noticed that in your writing, you said your spoken words is fantastic, good too, having fun at the detriment of people misunderstanding you, I don't think that is right for a good writer.
Let's understand this topic better, what is character trait,
character flaws and bad character?
I know condom and I know it does not give full protection.

Mindfulness:


It cracked me up. I know a man who introduced his Nigerian wife as his cousin to his white wife. I didn't know people introduce their lovers as cousins too.

You would think that its impossible
and that surely the truth will come out one day
One thing ive learnt over time is that a lot of strange things that I cant comprehend happen and so I don't bother to even try to understand why.
BTW the bf is a married man too
If he gets killed by the hubby in Naija
His own kids would have lost a father
Some people just do the most bizzare things

bjcole:


It is good to think out of the box and I noticed that in your writing, you said your spoken words is fantastic, good too, having fun at the detriment of people misunderstanding you, I don't think that is right for a good writer.

Millions of Nigerians struggle with reading comprehension, is that a reason for me to stop writing? How people interpret my contributions is beyond my control. Besides, this is NL, no need to take it so seriously.

Let's understand this topic better, what is character trait,
character flaws and bad character?

Not again.

A character trait is one particular quality in your personality. Your character is the sum of all these qualities.

I know condom and I know it does not give full protection.

So? Your car is not 100% safe either but you don't stop using it for this reason.

tearoses:




Especially in London
The ones I have heard about are jaw dropping
They cheat wella and life goes on

Many times the man is cheating too though
I know of 2 who cheated and their husbands turned a blind eye.

Another one introduced her boyfriend to her husband as her cousin
The husband is in Naija & wifey is in Obodo
The wifey sends her bf to their house in Naija
This is a true story . . .not nollywood.
The day hubby finds out, that bf is dead meat.

About a year ago there was a very public beef with all these London women exposing themselves and their escapades.
Many of them were married at the time.
Must be something in Thames water

Humanity will continue to suffer from the consequences of infidelity except we return back to what the originator of Marriage intended it to be.

McSquishi:
The thread kind of took on an existential feel from what the OP began as.

I think turning the topic away from why the hypocrisy exists when a woman is the cheater vs. a man to a conversation about the societal pressures of monogamy serves to make the cheater into a victim. The victim is the person who was cheated on.

Few ppl are literally being forced into their relationships. So, if you voluntarily make a vow then break it, that's on you. Then is not the time to blame "society" for making you get married or enter a monogamous relationship. That's just further showing "bad character" by not being willing to accept responsibility for your actions.

There is no excuse for cheating. It's wrong. That we all do things that are wrong doesn't change that fact.

I get what you're saying. And you're right, the conversation did take another turn. But, in either case, you'll realize society is the culprit. The short answer to why hypocrisy exists in favor of male cheating vs female cheating = society. Female cheating is just as prevalent, but only the males are "polygamous by nature" (so it's forgiven), whilst female sexuality is quite literally swept under a rug. The short answer for why high pressure for monogamy (and sometimes polygamy) as the only form(s) of acceptable relationship models = society. Society decides what en vogue, and what's OK.

Despite the marriage vow the cheater took, I wouldn't believe for a second that the cheated party is always the victim. That's not to say we should villianize the cheated party either. But, IRL, it's really all subject to case by case determination.

tearoses:




Especially in London
The ones I have heard about are jaw dropping
They cheat wella and life goes on

Many times the man is cheating too though
I know of 2 who cheated and their husbands turned a blind eye.

Another one introduced her boyfriend to her husband as her cousin
The husband is in Naija & wifey is in Obodo
The wifey sends her bf to their house in Naija
This is a true story . . .not nollywood.
The day hubby finds out, that bf is dead meat.

About a year ago there was a very public beef with all these London women exposing themselves and their escapades.
Many of them were married at the time.
Must be something in Thames water

My dear even those in Naija here are competing favourably, whatever in Thames water got here too .

Mindfulness:


Millions of Nigerians struggle with reading comprehension, is that a reason for me to stop writing? How people interpret my contributions is beyond my control. Besides, this is NL, no need to take it so seriously.



Not again.

A character trait is one particular quality in your personality. Your character is the sum of all these qualities.



So? Your car is not 100% safe either but you don't stop using it for this reason.

If my character is the sum of all my qualities, what would you call someone that exhibits bad traits like dishonesty or cheating and does exhibit good traits in other areas like cleanliness, polite etc.

bjcole:


Humanity will continue to suffer from the consequences of infidelity except we return back to what the originator of Marriage intended it to be.

And there you hit the nail on the head
If the foundation is right, then the structure is solid

its not just around infidelity
There are a lot of things that are wrong today in marriages and many other areas of life.
Infidelity is just one of them
Personally Im my opinion dont see much good that can come out of infidelity and there are more ills than good in the long term.
The lies, creeping around, calculations and hiding etc is enough to drain one mentally
Is all that worth the stolen 10 minutes of passion?

for example If you cheat because your wife is no longer attractive, even if you bang Miss world wont you still go back home and still see that unattractive wife?
Why not invest that time and energy in making your wife attractive?

bjcole:


If my character is the sum of all my qualities, what would you call someone that exhibits bad traits like dishonesty or cheating and does exhibit good traits in other areas like cleanliness, polite etc.

An ordinary human being who has good and bad character traits like everyone else.

Its a Man's World.....

byvan03:




My dear even those in Naija here are competing favourably, whatever in Thames water got here too .

There is nothing to be proud of in cheating, one of the things I do myself instead of complaining about cheating being on a high side is to consciously ensure that it stops with me. I have come to see cheating as devaluing my self, I loose my personality and I m not in control.

It's funny when people so often equate jealousy with degrees of love. Many feel like being extremely territorial translates to "see how much I love you" or "see how much I'm loved". And as you said, it's simply insecurity. The remedy, I feel, is working to achieve total self-love & acceptance to limit that "I'm not good enough" feeling. Otherwise, you can have the perfect relationship w/ the most trustworthy & loyal partner but still feel that you will lose them to outsiders.

Easier said than done though, as I still get jealous myself.

Mindfulness:


I used to be very jealous when i was a little bit younger. I discovered that it was fear of abandonment and also some self-esteem issues I was having as young woman, which most young women have. I no longer suffer from the fear of abandonment and I am extremely self-confident, even to the point that people say I am a bit narcissistic and I sort of am so no I do not feel jealous anymore at all. It is a thing of the past. However, it was jealousy among other things that helped me become who I am today. Jealousy is not a nice feeling, it is nagging and poisonous, not only to the person feeling it but to relationships in general and I decided to get rid of it. And as with all things that I set my mind to accomplish, I succeeded and life has become much easier this way. I am now able to enjoy relationships in a way I was not able to before.

Mindfulness:


I wouldn't call it queer behavior.

Maybe you should stay true to yourself and re-consider whether a monogamous relationship is your preference instead of beating up on yourself to fit into societal conventions, which do not do yourself and they way you are any justice.

We have been brainwashed into believing that we can only love and desire one person and we should be doing so for the rest of our lives when in fact our natural inclination is a different one.

Nicely said. Human's want to cheat nature and would employ every scheme at her disposal to do so, even if it means tilting with proven evidence. We are animals and no matter the degree of evolvement that human's has transgress we can't negate the fact that we're animals and inclined to behave as one.

If one can love/lust on a person who isn't their partner then they have the capacity to show this affection to more than a person. It's hard to embrace and accept this fact but nonetheless facts are sacrosanct and can't be manipulated.

Blaming society is a cop out. Society doesn't have strings attached to us forcing us to do things. Everyone is free to make decisions for themselves. Of course we are influenced by society in varying degrees depending on disposition. But being so weak as to enter a relationship you didn't want to be in and once in it go outside of it w/out your partner's knowledge... yeah, one can say "society is to blame" but that's an immature response from someone who refuses to learn life lessons and abdicates responsibility at every turn.

When the act is cheating, the person who was cheated on is always the victim of that act. It doesn't mean they are faultless or perfect spouses, but they are the victim of being cheated on. If someone is murdered they could have been a crappy person who was talking sht seconds before being killed, but they are still the victim of the act of murder.

EnlightenedSoul:


I get what you're saying. And you're right, the conversation did take another turn. But, in either case, you'll realize society is the culprit. The short answer to why hypocrisy exists in favor of male cheating vs female cheating = society. Female cheating is just as prevalent, but only the males are "polygamous by nature" (so it's forgiven), whilst female sexuality is quite literally swept under a rug. The short answer for why high pressure for monogamy (and sometimes polygamy) as the only form(s) of acceptable relationship models = society. Society decides what en vogue, and what's OK.

Despite the marriage vow the cheater took, I wouldn't believe for a second that the cheated party is always the victim. That's not to say we should villianize the cheated party either. But, IRL, it's really all subject to case by case determination.

byvan03:




My dear even those in Naija here are competing favourably, whatever in Thames water got here too .

If I were cheated on it will be the lies
cos you would have had to lie over and over again to pull it off
therefore making me look like a fool
That will really pain me
People underestimate the pain of cheating

In an open marriage at least all parties are agreeing up front to what they intend to do

cherryice:
so u don join dem

Cherry coco bebe, they have corrupted me.

McSquishi:
It's funny when people so often equate jealousy with degrees of love. Many feel like being extremely territorial translates to "see how much I love you" or "see how much I'm loved". And as you said, it's simply insecurity. The remedy, I feel, is working to achieve total self-love & acceptance to limit that "I'm not good enough" feeling. Otherwise, you can have the perfect relationship w/ the most trustworthy & loyal partner but still feel that you will lose them to outsiders.

Easier said than done though, as I still get jealous myself.

You are absolutely right. Some people think that their level of jealousy is a reflection of the amount of love they have for someone when in fact it is the result of feelings of insecurity.

Loving yourself is not as difficult as it seems. Never think negative thoughts about yourself and you will fall in love with yourself. I do not allow myself to think one negative thought about myself but instead think all the good stuff and it has worked wonders for me. I have fallen in love with myself. This is why I am never jealous. I don't need anyone to be in love. I am in love with myself so whether someone stays or leaves does not make any difference to my being in love. It does not mean that I can't love anyone else, it just means that I do not need anyone to feel love.