I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

I be like say change don dey catch you small small.

shrtermjbseeker:
I am a mother to a 3 year old. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids.

you are not a bad person.

you are just not good enough.

you are not a bad person at all.

frozenSun:


you are not a bad person.

you are just not good enough.

you are not a bad person at all.

Huh?

At OP, you are not a bad person at all. In fact, you are the best kind of parent. The kind that thinks and plans for the future before having a kid. If you feel you won't have the resources to raise another kid, then it is perfectly fine to have just one kid.
My dad wanted just two kids too.

elektra:


Huh?

At OP, you are not a bad person at all. In fact, you are the best kind of parent. The kind that thinks and plans for the future before having a kid. If you feel you won't have the resources to raise another kid, then it is perfectly fine to have just one kid.
My dad wanted just two kids too.

Go and read the Op again, that's not the reason why she doesn't want more kids

shrtermjbseeker:
..

[b]I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.[ /b]

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

@bolded, nice way to psychologically cushion us for the 'bad news', lol. If u believe all u have stated in the bold and yet don't want more kids then there is a serious underlying problem. It doesn't have anything to do with wether u are a bad person or not.

What happened in the time between when u wanted three kids to when u r satisfied with just this one? Something traumatic/deeply worrying happened, no matter how little, what was it?

You sound like u might be having anxiety issues.

5minsmadness:


Go and read the Op again, that's not the reason why she doesn't want more kids

I read it right the first time.
She said she wants to focus on her career and give her Son the best and that is the angle I am coming from. And by "resources" I mean time.

elektra:


I read it right the first time.
She said she wants to focus on her career and give her Son the best and that is the angle I am coming from. And by "resources" I mean time.

No, you didn't.

shrtermjbseeker:
I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children:

1. I feel being a mother is not my thing

2. I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best.

3. I am afraid of pregnancy,

4. taking care of a baby

5. and training my own kids.

6. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

[size=3pt]All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3[/size].

7. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

@elektra, u can see 'time' is not the only resource she is talking about.

Don't mention.

5minsmadness:


No, you didn't.




@elektra, u can see 'time' is not the only resource she is talking about.

Don't mention.

Well, time is the resource I chose to talk about in my post. If that is not good enough for you, there is nothing I can do for you.

elektra:


Well, time is the resource I chose to talk about in my post. If that is not good enough for you, there is nothing I can do for you.

Goodness...
You really can't stand being corrected can you?

^^^

all I see is a woman who is afraid of responsibilities. So all the love you proclaimed are just to let us know that you don't like being a mother?


Again something might have happened that made you not to want to have more kids. There is a whole lot you are not saying here.

shrtermjbseeker:
I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

All you need is a good job with good income.

BTW, you failed to talk about your husband regarding this decision...what's his position in all of this, or are you married but living single?

5minsmadness:


Goodness...
You really can't stand being corrected can you?

Thank you Sir, for your "correction".
Next time I am forming my opinions, I will google the "correct" opinion to have. But seeing as I can't read, I shouldn't even bother.

elektra:


Thank you Sir, for your "correction".
Next time I am forming my opinions, I will google the "correct" opinion to have. But seeing as I can't read, I shouldn't even bother.

I honestly don't know why you are turning this into quarrel.

Have I bruised your ego somehow? You misunderstood the write-up, that's all. Your opinion is not under question here, your understanding of the opening post is.

5minsmadness:

I honestly don't know why you are turning this into quarrel.

Have I bruised your ego somehow? You misunderstood the write-up, that's all. Your opinion is not under question here, your understanding of the opening post is.

Nobody is quarrelling with you, Oga.
I talk my own, as the chief "corrector" of Nairaland, you "corrected" me saying that is not the only thing she talked about, I come thank you for your "correction". Wetin come be quarrel for inside?

elektra:


Nobody is quarrelling with you, Oga.
I talk my own, as the chief "corrector" of Nairaland, you "corrected" me saying that is not the only thing she talked about, I come thank you for your "correction". Wetin come be quarrel for inside?

You're welcome.

You're not a bad person. I think you're scared of the future. You're scared that you won't be a good enough mother as you want to your kids and hence you're trying to run away from it.
You don't have to run away. You don't have to worry about what will be. Be a career person, but also be a mother to your son more. If you feel you don't want more children it's okay you can explain it your spouse. But if your reason for not having more kids is vause you're scared you'll not be a good mother to them, then I don't support that.

crackhaus:

All you need is a good job with good income.

BTW, you failed to talk about your husband regarding this decision...what's his position in all of this, or are you married but living single?

he said it's a phase I'll get pass. I'm married, what do you mean by "living single?"

elektra:


Huh?

At OP, you are not a bad person at all. In fact, you are the best kind of parent. The kind that thinks and plans for the future before having a kid. If you feel you won't have the resources to raise another kid, then it is perfectly fine to have just one kid.
My dad wanted just two kids too.

That's part of it too.

shrtermjbseeker:
That's part of it too.

You may really need to use the help of a professional shrink. You are probably reacting to a repressed childhood memory or experience.

Seek help from a competent psychologist. You'll be better for it.

I hope you're not one of those who mistake psychologist for psychiatrist.

shrtermjbseeker:
I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

the lesser the children the more careering you offer them...this is not an issue since your hubby also wanted it that way

you'll be better off to have less children and focus on your career rather than more kids which you don't want

You rather please your self and have few kids than to have multiple kids in order to please the society.. that's bandwagon effect

shrtermjbseeker:
That's part of it too.

Well, you are not a bad person for that. Raising a child takes a lot out of a person, if you feel that you can't do it for whatever reason, then you might want to communicate that to your spouse and reach an agreement.

On a different note. 5minsmadness, the original poster does not seem to have a problem with my understanding of her post.

elektra:


Well, you are not a bad person for that. Raising a child takes a lot out of a person, if you feel that you can't do it for whatever reason, then you might want to communicate that to your spouse and reach an agreement.

On a different note. 5minsmadness, the original poster does not seem to have a problem with my understanding of her post.

My dear you were wrong. She answered u out of pity/sympathy. Her response of "that's part of it too" shows that, like I indicated, you weren't getting the whole picture.

Let it go already.

5minsmadness:


My dear you were wrong. She answered u out of pity/sympathy. Her response of "that's part of it too" shows that, like I indicated, you weren't getting the whole picture.

Let it go already.

Hahahaha, tired of correcting already?
The original poster, who knows her post better than you does not see problem. But Oga, who seems to understand the motive behind the post better than the poster cannot seems to get that I chose to talk about 1 part of the post only and insists that I did not understand the post because it isn't in line with his own understanding.

It appears the OP is looking for support and justification for her conflict of emotions.
She loves kids but does not want to get pregnant.

On what basis did she pass herself as incapable of being a good mom?
Is the only son not doing well? Well, we are not given this info.

In fact, I think the OP is afraid of the responsibilities that come with having more than one child.
But if she and her husband are O.K. with it, then who are we to say nay.

OP you're not a bad person. Don't let any judgmental person tell you otherwise. I'm sure you're asking this online because someone might have said something to you that makes you feel like it's bad to not want more kids. It's your life. If you want none at all, it's still your life. It doesn't make you bad.

What you want out of your life will never make you a bad person as long as you're not hurting anyone in doing or living that style. The only problem is if your husband isn't in agreement. Then both of you will have to work together to come to a common ground. One of you will have to concede to the other if you both don't agree on this issue.

You know what's best for you. Not some folks who've never met you. What people (who won't help you raise the kids or pay their fees) think shouldn't even bother you in the slightest bit. You don't need help. You're not mentally imbalanced.

You'd be a bad person if you go on to have more kids that you can't care for just to show some know-it-alls that there's nothing wrong with you.

5minsmadness:


@bolded, nice way to psychologically cushion us for the 'bad news', lol. If u believe all u have stated in the bold and yet don't want more kids then there is a serious underlying problem. It doesn't have anything to do with wether u are a bad person or not.

What happened in the time between when u wanted three kids to when u r satisfied with just this one? Something traumatic/deeply worrying happened, no matter how little, what was it?

You sound like u might be having anxiety issues.

what happened was that it was no more wishful thinking. I got pregnant and had a child and saw the difference between "theory and practical".

elektra:


Hahahaha, tired of correcting already?
The original poster, who knows her post better than you does not see problem. But Oga, who seems to understand the motive behind the post better than the poster cannot seems to get that I chose to talk about 1 part of the post only and insists that I did not understand the post because it isn't in line with his own understanding.

If indeed u originally chose to talk on only 1 part of the post then no problem, we are both on the same page. However your original response shows u didn't read the Op deep enough to understand that there was more than the issue of time at stake.

In fact, you are the best kind of parent. The kind that thinks and plans for the future before having a kid. If you feel you won't have the resources to raise another kid, then it is perfectly fine to have just one kid.

On what premise do you make this assumption@bold? All u saw in her post was that she didn't have enough time and u used it to judge her whole character. Even she admitted that you only touched on part of the question. All I asked u to do was consider there were other aspects to her story and u lost sleep over it.

Me, tired?

I had a good night's sleep. Did you?

shrtermjbseeker:
what happened was that it was no more wishful thinking. I got pregnant and had a child and saw the difference between "theory and practical".

My sister had the same issue. She had agreed on four kids with her husband but after the birth of her first child it all changed. She said when she went through the pains of labour (hers was prolonged) and she saw the head of the baby 'pop' out of 'that place', something changed inside her.

Then the sleepless nights and breastfeeding and constant running up and down and barely having a moment's privacy where she could just be alone by herself... It wasn't at all what she had imagined.

She started saying she only wanted one more kid (she had a girl the first time and wanted to balance the equation with a boy) and this caused no small rift between her and her husband. At the end of the day though he let her be after our mom advised him that it was a phase and she would get over it. Their second child came two years and 9months later and she's become a pro with taking care of babies and is currently pregnant with the third. In fact she insists on knacking the four out and it's her husband that is reluctant considering the buhari situation

The thing about this life, nothing is written on stone. Don't think you are going to feel this way forever. The fact that you are feeling guilty about it shows its not something u are comfortable with. I think you should focus more on taking care of your kid, take time to make your husband understand how you feel so he doesn't pressure u, also really take a hard look at your fears and realise they are not rational (you already said u loved kids and adore your son, so there's no reason not to be a good mother) and give yourself time. From my experience you'll be the one clamouring for a girl soon enough since they say it's girl children that take care of thier parents. .

You only become a bad mother when u abandon your kids and place your selfish interests before thiers. As long as you're not deliberately doing this, you'll be OK. No one has all the answers, we all learn as we move along through life.

Cheers.

shrtermjbseeker:
what happened was that it was no more wishful thinking. I got pregnant and had a child and saw the difference between "theory and practical".

Awww.

You know what you really need? A Mommy-and-me group. Somewhere where a few mums and their kids get together and just hang out and let their kids play and also get them off their hands for a bit.

It's overwhelming having children. Emotionally and physically. Just this morning, Baby E walked into our balconey-garden, grabbed a sponge I use to clean dirt and started eating it happily. See me panicking about germs and toxicity and googling "baby ate garden soil", whilst shrieking. Then I told myself "I ate carpet grass (because my stvpid brothers threw me facedown in it) and I turned out okay". And calmed down.

It's good that you're worried you're not going to be a good mum. That shows you are, because you understand the enormity of the situation, rather than being glib about it.

Do you have someone who can watch your son for a bit? So you can at least sit down for one hour and have nothing to do with him. It helps. Feel free to dump him in your husband as well. Nothing bonds more than you and he doing a wailing competition about who hasn't slept because of the child. Seriously, Himself swiftly counters with "I didn't sleep well either" everytime I moan about lack of sleep. No matter if I swear I heard him snore that night

Don't fret when mealtimes are a nightmare and bedtimes are war zones. You're learning valuable skills like Patience, Cunning and Intelligent Reasoning and Bargaining. All of which are excellent to use on adults

Children don't need money to be happy, they need your love and support. They don't need to go to fancy creches but will love spending time reading their storybook with you. And yes they will learn. There are so many resources online to help you give your child the best. So what if they don't learn how to swim at Ikoyi club, there's a pool at Alaka and it is still the same swimming they will learn there. You dig?

If you like, put up a flyer in your church and say you want to form a mummy and me group with 5 mums and you guys will meet up somewhere outside (Lagos is bereft of public spaces but there are some parks around. Where are you located?). So you guys can talk together and not feel so crazy and exhausted and no-one needs to cook and clean up after (that's why it's in public).

And you truly feel afterwards that you still don't want kids, get off NAIRALAND and tell your husband gently. You two will work it out. Okay?

You're going to be just fine!

5minsmadness:

@bolded, nice way to psychologically cushion us for the 'bad news', lol. If u believe all u have stated in the bold and yet don't want more kids then there is a serious underlying problem. It doesn't have anything to do with wether u are a bad person or not.
What happened in the time between when u wanted three kids to when u r satisfied with just this one? Something traumatic/deeply worrying happened, no matter how little, what was it?
You sound like u might be having anxiety issues.

^