Help!!!! should I divorce him?
We have been married for 18 years and all I av gained from this marriage is pain and frustration, I got married to him when I was 25 years old, I was a banker with a bright future ahead of me or so I thought, when he proposed to me he made a lot of promises, he told me to resign from my job and he was going to open a big supermarket for me so I can have more time with the kids. I thought he was caring and thoughtful little did I know I was in for a shocker.
I was from a Christian home and he was a Muslim, I was so in love with him that I forgot my background and agreed to marry him.
When I told my parents, they made a fuss about it, my mum was so angry like most Yoruba mothers will say, she said "If you know u it was my breast you sucked when you were young, don't marry that man" I was so in love with him that I disobeyed my parents and I suggested I get pregnant so my parents won't have any choice than to accept him.
I got pregnant and shortly before I gave birth, we got married.
The problems started when we got married, his relatives hated me so much and they didn't make any effort to hide their hatred for me, I gave birth to a beautiful girl 2 months after we got married, i had already resigned then but he didn't keep to his promise, he neither opened a supermarket for me nor let me do any business, I didn't feel it at first because I had a baby to care for, 2 years later I gave birth to a boy. When they started going to school I felt useless sitting at home 24/7. Sometimes, his relatives will come visiting, and when ever they came, dey did in large numbers, and as the wife i would be stuck in the kitchen cooking and cleaning after them like a maid. Some years after then, he lost his job, since I had no job, we really suffered that sometimes I felt like committing suicide, my family members abandoned me because I married a Muslim so I had no one to turn to. He got another job after a year n we started living well again.
His new job was better than the old one so he started feeling like a big man n started treating me badly, his new job was in Abuja so he had to leave me in ilorin to take care of the kids, he comes to ilorin once a month to buy food stuffs into the house and gives me pocket money, he monitors my movement and doesn't let me go out, he believes after dropping the kids off at school and picking them up in the evening I have no business outside again, it was as if I was living as a prisoner. He brought 2 of his nephews to stay with us, I take care of them, feed them and upon everything I did I was never appreciated.
All the while he was in Abuja I only visited once and he didn't even know when we left for Abuja cos he was always giving one excuse or the other when we talk about visiting, I surprised him.
When I got there he was so annoyed if he could send the kids n I back to ilorin he would, that was when I found out he had girlfriends he carried abt but I pretended I didn't know cos I believe marriage is abt patience and perseverance. When I got back to ilorin I swore I would never go back there.
15 years later, his nephews were in their late twenties and they smoke, drink, pack girls about.
They had no plan whatsoever for their future.
On an occasion, I reported them to my husband cos my little son had started picking up on some of their wayward behavior, when he spoke to them his nephews got angry that I reported them n started insulting me n calling me names, in my husband's house. If not for the neighbors he would have beaten me that day not considering the fact that I was old enough to be his mother, the incident hurt me so bad that I had to tell my husband who reported them to their father.
Their father organized a family meeting, all his siblings where in attendance and his two nephews, they were 7 altogether.
All of them started voicing their minds and it was so sad that nobody was on my side, they all had something against me, they said I bewitched their brother and that's why he doesn't give them money anymore.
The sad part was that it wasn't true, he gives me #20,000 per month, and I'd pay nepa bills, water rate, give the children pocket money for school, pay for dstv, fuel the car. After all these, how much do I have left, I tried explaining but they didn't listen his brother said I was rude and gave me a hot slap, I felt so stupid, wronged and powerless buh I could not say anything Dan to apologize.
The previous incident that happened was when I went to drop him off at the motor park when he was going back to Abuja, I went with my son and immediately I got home I went to the toilet because I was purging. While I was in the toilet my son was in his room doing his assignment. His uncle came visiting so my daughter opened the door for him n told him to sit in the sitting room since she didn't know we were around she told him nobody was around. Instead of calling my phone he called my husband. Who was he supposed to call, the person in Ilorin that can attend to him or the person in Abuja that doesn't know wat is going on.
To cut the long story short, he called my husband and told him he was at the house in Ilorin and I wasn't around, while this was happening I had already gone to my neighbor's to ask how to rear day old turkeys. Before I knew what was happening he had called my phone to ask me where I was, my phone was with my son who was outside by that time feeding the rams, when he picked up he told him I was in the toilet. When he saw me in our neighbor's he came to give me the phone n I spoke to him n told him where I was, he said I was lying, that I'm with my boyfriend and I'm teaching my son to lie, he said I was wayward and that how would I get to the house without my daughter knowing and he threatened to send me packing and embarrass me in front of everybody when he gets back, what hurts me the most is that I've wasted more than half of my life with this man, I have no job, savings, nothing, I have nowhere to go since my relatives have deserted me. He doesn't even trust me. The only thing that has been keeping me strong are my kids cos I don't want to abandon them, I'm fed up and don't think I can bear it any longer [color=#770077][/color]

Hmmm, this is serious

Speechless! Honestly, I don't even know what to say to you cos to me, its already too late and u need to exercise patience and train your kids. I know my advice may not be the best, but 18years To me its already too late.

But then, I would love to use this medium to reach out to young people (male and female) who are still single and may read this.

Marriage takes more than love to work!
Marriage takes more than just money to work!


You made the first mistake of agreeing to marry a man who do not share similar belief with you!

I am not a religious bigot, but it is safer to marry someone who believes in what u believe in and shares same faith and belief with u.

See, I have a quote I formed myself after observing things in this life and goes like this: “men are shaped by their beliefs, and most of these beliefs are either spiritual or religious!”

The second mistake is resigning your job without first making sure he has established the business (super market like u said) for u. And then, what happened to the money u saved from ur past salaries before u resigned U squandered them on him in the name of LOVE too

It is not a bad idea for a man to suggest to his wife to resign a task demanding and time-consuming job in order to focus more on their kids, but he and the woman ought to sit down intelligently and harmoniously to craft a backup or alternative job or business for the woman before she quits her job. Quitting the job should come after the business has been set up or while its being set up, and not the other way.

Lastly, our parents most times act as God's agents and voices, but most times, we don't listen to them, maybe because we sometimes believe that we know too much, and are too exposed, educated and civilized than them, and hence, hardly take their honest counsels when it comes to romance and marriage, too bad.

Whenever your parents or elderly strangers are objecting your marriage to someone, especially when they don't have any personal issue with the person, pls consider their counsel and look closely into their reasons for objecting the union, rather than waving it aside in the name of: I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM or HER!

What a sad story indeed! Wish I had better advice or solution to offer. May God show u the way and send forth a solution your way soonest.

i have read your story and all i can say is this


as you lay your bed so you lie on it

What a long story, let me go and eat, i am feeling hungry now. i will still read ur story again to understand the main problem.
Meanwhile, change the topic, its doesnt suite ur story... so as to attract reasonable advice.

Hmmm... This your story is really touching. So sorry!!
Its really late.. 18 yrs is rather a life time. I am not an advocate for divorce but am advocate for happiness in life.
First you need a listening ear among his relatives. The mum, the dad his brother. Just sincerely beg them to give you an ear and that you have endured enough. Just beg for them to reason with you. Please see one at a time do not see more than one at a time oh. Explain to him or her your ordeals and let his know you have endured enough. And that you truly love him and you have showed it over time. Then tell him what had been happening in your life and that all you ask is for your husband to understand your plight.
If there isn't any head way pls your happiness is more important than any thing. Go back to your parents and beg for forgiveness. And ask for help. Your happiness is most important.

To the unmarried like me. Pls religion and denomination shouldn't be waved aside it should be well talked and delibrated upon before marriage, level of family influence shd also be delibrated while courting. Family finance as well. Well love isn't blind anymore.... Your happiness should be supreme, we have just a short time to spend on earth.

@OP
i am sorry to say that there is only ONE person to blame for all your misery, and thats YOU. if you had acted RIGHT the moment people wronged you, then chances are you wouldnt be in the predicament you find yourself into today.
beaten, cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc and you accepted it al with a smile for 18yrs........now you want change?!

i did not read the whole story, but if you're a christian and your muslim boyfriend has never followed you to church (nor can you provide evidence he was ever in one), yet you still went ahead and married him, then i dont know what to say, sorry.

just get closer to God.

Emmysteve: What a long story, let me go and eat, i am feeling hungry now. i will still read ur story again to understand the main problem.
Meanwhile, change the topic, its doesnt suite ur story... so as to attract reasonable advice.

cant make head or tail of the story either.

You should start to think of how to become indpendent if you don't want to suffer for another 18 years.
It's never too late. This is my piece of advice.

U need to go back to ur parents nd beg 4 their 4givness first nd see how they help out cos u need them in ur life.as for the person that slapped y didn't u slap him back?ok u didn't hav to cos they wld have changed ur face to black.nd if I may ask,what did ur husband say or do abt it?if ur husband respects u,there is no how his family will not respect u.sorry ooo but u are really suffering.

Truth be told...dis one pass м̣̣̥̇ε̲̣̣ sha!!...buh I 've gat to say something tho!!

Dear madam,with all u 've said,I hate men like ur husband ,but all blame goes to u!!...

How could u not have taken a decision earlier to save ur life from shambles rather than endure and suffer in silence for a huge portion of ur life??
You just let the mirage of love and marriage to ruin ur life...

No savings,no life goals,no plan for d future et al....in dis century

Well,I pray God helps u make something better out of ur situation!!

PS: I'm still a young fella...dunno if I made sense to you sha!

Please people, stop blaming the lady. She knows best that she has made mistakes. But she has got two healthy children. So everything is good for something. I would just give the advice to start taking care of her life IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise she will remain unhappy till the day she dies. Someone said that she should try to talk to her parents. That could be the first step. Give it a try, they are your family and they could help. This story should be a warning to all ladies: NEVER rely on a man, it could end up bad.

As a wife n mother, I think u've tried. Ur patience is to be envied. U have also proven to b a good manager of ur home financially n otherwise. However, nobody is perfect n d same applies to u. U should try n make peace with ur family first then find something to do. U've been idle for a long time n it hasn't yielded anything positive. Ur husband n his family need prayers.

I'm a young person too, I hope people learn from this, I know I have.

hmmm, I have seen so much in this marriage thing that no story I hear can surprise me. You are a strong woman, you've been through this for eighteen years, whats a few more years?

your eldest should be about 18, hang on for a whiile, let them finish their education, if you still decide to leave later, fine. at this point if you want to leave, its for your sanity and happiness, not to find another husband. It doesnt get better, I've stopped trying to understand men.

men will always hurt you and usually they dont mean to, just be strong, try to reconcile with your family, try and get something doing that earns you money....even if you have to sell those rams to start a business.

when a man calls all the shots, pride and other bad habits set in, you dont need a man to make u happy, just manage for now while making plans for your future.

many if us are victims of love, its strange how someone you thought was your soul mate becomes so different after marriage, like you never knew him at all.

pray for him, God willing he will change but make your plans and look toward them, they will keep you happy when every other thing seems to be falling apart.

Soo much like one of iyaniwura's story threads

Poster sorry o. Harsh realities of marriage.
It seems like the r/ship with ur family has been severed. Go back to them. U will draw strenght from them once its restored back.
Pls work on ur self esteem. That will help u plan for the future.
In anything u r doing, remember the kids.
They deserve the best also.
Goodluck.

free2ryhme: i have read your story and all i can say is this


as you lay your bed so you lie on it

i am telling you.infact i just finished watching a tyler perry movie which put me in a very good/happy mood all for me to enter nairaland and see another usual sad story,all i can say is






Not again.........





Maybe Chaircover,yellowpawpaw,efemena,kanwulia and greatgod will be able to give you some advice.just so sick of all this sad tales

But come to think of it,on a flip side,why would you resign when he hasnt fulfilled his side of the bargain and why will you enter into any form of marital relationship without having your inlaws back or ensuring you clear yourself at that end.of course when your back is up against the wall,your 'husband' will always be on his family's side as usual of them, *sighs* honestly,





i dont know what to say to you.i wish this didnt happen to you.i wish you would have thought better and not allow emotions,e+r,otic love or sentiments do the reasoning for you.i wish you had made a wise decision to protect yourself and future from this harsh realities because i think you deserve better than this.i wish you could have been a little more patient and prayerful during pre marriage,i wish you defined the kind of life you want and set boundaries that will protect you from all forms of dehumanizing treatments (slaps inclusive).




I've found out that bad decisions concerning marriage/ marital partners take women to 3 places.

1. Six feets under

2.a world of gloom,depression, a heavy heart of emotional burdens and resentment

3. the hospital bed dealing with hypertension,depression,low self esteem,high blood pressure and migraine


i'm sorry maa'm.you made the decision,you either live with it or take a walk to get yourself back together.i can only empathize with you,i cant help ;(

Is dis a true story because i know how life was for me when i wasnt working cos of my baby.hmmn

@ OP, where did you cull this story from?

Post the source / links pls.

As you make your bed, so you lie on it.
You have made your's so do the needful and stop disturbing others.

Efemena_xy: @ OP, where did you cull this story from?

Post the source / links pls.

it happened to someone close to me

.

tpia@:
i did not read the whole story, but if you're a christian and your muslim boyfriend has never followed you to church (nor can you provide evidence he was ever in one), yet you still went ahead and married him, then i dont know what to say, sorry.

just get closer to God.

why would a muslim boyfriend follow his chic to the church? do christian chics follow their boyfriends to the mosque?

I for one would never marry an idle lady and secondly marriage is more than love. My mother once called me and told that she had a dream about my ex that if I married her she would eventually change and I won't be able to talk to her. Today I see those signs in her, thank God I headed to my mum.

Listen to people there are always signs but we intend to lie on love and iignore those signs. Am sorry you are stuck there forever.

The 1st step is to go to your folks and apologized to them, let them know that you have really paid for your disobedience and your adamant behaviour you put forward because of the. Assumed "love" you think you had. I'm sure they will take you as the prodigal son and forgive you, no parent can hear this type of suffering concerning their children and not think twice before refusing to forgive.



Secondly, I want you to kmow that, the most important tool in the hand of a potential abuser is financial dependency, the day he asked you to resign without making appropriate replacement for your finances is the day he has decided to abuse you maritally. So, in order to gain back your independence, make sure you find something doing that will bring in money for you, no matter how meager. Do something and also teach your daughter financial independence too, she should be around 18 years now, she's no longer a kid, let her know what you're passing through, so that she won't make the same mistake you made.



Thirdly, never allow a man to hit you or publicly embarrass you again, you said he said he's going to publicly embarass you the next time he come home, don't wait for him to come before taking appropriate measure in combating the issue, e-mail him about how he has been maltreating you and tell him to put you in his sister's position, if he will like any man to treat his sister the way he's treating you, beg him and if he refuses, run to your parents and let your parents confront him, the reason why his gra-gra is so much is that he knew you don't have anywhere or anyone to run to, surprise him with this. It is never too late, you can still pick up your life again and correct it weli weli.
I pray God to give you the wisdom to go through this wisely.
Your hubby isn't wicked, he's under some influences, therefore always pray for him and always let your son know that this isn't the right way to treat one's spouse by letting him know what is going on between the two of you so that he doesn't take the path of his dad.



@all, this is a lesson for all of us, especially, the yet to marry ones, love alone is not enough, other things like compatibility, parental approval, relligious beliefs, cultural beliefs, et, al are all important for marriage.

May God help us all.

Op, the fault is yours.... From when u decided to resign from your job, with no backup biz to operate... I for one, can never leave or close up my biz for Any man...no matter how madly In love , I feel...never place your total existence in hands of any loved one, especially spouse... the deed of getting married is done already... It's either u continue with his ways towards you.... Or u suck it up, separate from him and try to get a job ...both decisions will be messy sha...
May The Lord give u the wisdom to handle this issues...cos the foundation is completely wrong already..best of luck.

.

Kulyie which tp film did u watch


@op u can check this link

https://www.nairaland.com/1444825/abused-wives-girlfriends-men

pickabeau1: Kulyie which tp film did u watch


@op u can check this link

https://www.nairaland.com/1444825/abused-wives-girlfriends-men

temptation,madea's big happy family as well as haves and haves not however i am not yet done with the latter