₦airaland Forum

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

Ishilove:
Which kind of mean family did you marry into, bikonu? Ha, God forbid these kind of in-laws. Tufia!

Tearoses, thorpido, TV01 and other experienced married people, your input is needed.

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.
3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.

3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.
3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

obaao:
Hello, my dear. Marriage takes two to tangle and play the games of fools.
From your write-up I can conclude your marriage was based on pretense. The two of you failed to reveal your true identity before tying the knot and that is why your husband could not inform you of his parents accident until after 2 years.
Regardless of the situation of things with the two families, your marriage is of more importance. If truly you love your husband and you want to be together with him for life, then you guys need reconciliation. Go about it this way....
1. Do away with ego
2. Be nice to him. You can start with knotting or removing his tie.
3. Give him his favorite and be scratch his head while eating.
4. Make him happy both in the sitting room and bed room
5. Bring up the discussion when you notice he is in a good mood.
6. Allow him to talk and also state your mind.
7. Apologize on behalf of yourself and your family. I expect him to do the same.
8. The two of you should talk to your families on behalf of each other.
9. Then visit the offended family members and apologize together.
10. Most importantly, PRAY. Prayer can move mountain and can change the stony heart.

In conclusion, organize family feast where everybody will be present and end it there. Afterwards, live your life without as if they do not exist.
YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR FUTURE, SAVE IT FROM CRUMBLING.

yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.

Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.

Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).

My family-we are generally independent and so for example since I got married, my people has not requested any form of monetary assistance from my husband and they don't visit much except they come to assist or see my mum who stays with us to care for our child...

My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.

Issue-since I got married and put to bed twice, my husband's family has NEVER called my parents (before or after the wedding) to acknowledge this or thank them. When I was wondering what the issue is "my husband said his parents almost had an accident when they travelled back home after our wedding and that my parents did not call them (none of us me or my family members was aware of this until about two years ago). Right now, unfortunately, I lost my Dad who came to see us and the grandchild I just had...My husband dropped him at a bus stop he's suppose to take a bus home from-he died in an accident on his way home. Now, my in-laws have still not called mum and my husband expect me to have a good relationship with his family or else he will be worse than he is. It is so bad that his elder brother came to the house and did not greet my mum, this is not the first time and my husband said he spoken with him about it.


Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.

Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?

By the way, my husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault (leaving his body for the cemetery people to do whatever they like after the burial)because he felt we had a week to bury my father and this caused a major issue with my brothers who felt hurt by his statement in view of how my Dad died. Since then, he said my brothers has been direspecting him-one of them has never even been to my house since I got married.

Forgive the typos.

Seun and co please move this to front page.

I'm cc chaircover and co

larrybee2017:
If you ask me, I'll say you need wisdom more than you need food and water. In marriage your husband is not the only one involve his families are very vital key in determine where your marriage will end. The welfare of his family should be utmost in everything to you. If they feel offended in what your parent did by not calling them, acting foolishly is not the best way. You need to build your home using your own knowledge not carrying the mentality of someone else with you. I'm sure your mummy use her own wisdom that is why she was able to stay till death with your dad.
Drop your pride a bit and try to reason with your spouse, that is not to say he is right too with all the step his family are taken, but just to show them maturity is not in age. I must confess to you here that both families are immatured,they need orientation. If two grown up adults like your min and in law could stoop this low, on what was your courtship built? Please for the sake of your children, pray about this and also talk to your mum to help you save your marriage. If your dad died not been in good terms with your in law, safe your mum the pain of ' no way to apologise' when she dies. Little things like this destroy our walk with God.
Forget the immature nature of your in law and just show them love and affection, which they probably lack, by loving them and caring for them, I bet you they will do the same no matter their level of stupidity and pride.
No place is heaven in marriage, a woman determines what her home will be on her kneels. All men are babies ( with apologies) thus treat them so. They need love, care, respect above nothing and above all they want you to know they marry you not the other way round.
May Heaven grant you wisdom and strength to go through of cause I know it will take God to do this.

yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

IfeLuvely:
I cannot remember the last time I logged onto naira land but on seeing this topic I just had to. OP i am a married lady too and I have been something similar. I used to call my parents in law a lot before but eventually my FIL started causing arguments between I and hubby, when I saw this I stopped calling him, then he started saying I don't call him because I hate him, my hubby does not call my parents but not once has my father ever complained about it when my mum complains I just beg her not to be annoyed. Anything they do now that angers me I just IGNORE... whatever people sow they will reap... Some family love each other and are close, some don't! If your husband and his people does not respect your family, leave them, ignore it... You do ur best for the family you came from but always remember that your children are your top priority. @horsemouth it is very clear you are a misogynistic person but don't worry your pickin will grow too what comes around goes around! And please people stop saying men are like babies treat them with respect love etc... Babies do not need respect to survive, they need love and food and shelter. respect is reciprocal any man that is not ready to respect his wife and demands respect because he feels he is like a baby should darn well stay in his parents house and be treated as such till mature enough to marry... My dear just ignore ignore ignore what his family does... Infact don't let them call your mum they are not the one feeding her... I don't wanna type too much but some in laws are like that but you are not perfect either hence you have to I will say it again IGNORE

thorpido:
If all men are babies,why do women like you marry babies then?Don't you think it's poor choice to marry a baby?Talking about needing love,care and respect,don't women need that too(and even more)?
Funny how you women always make this,'men are babies' statement.

sho0369:
Madam please forgive me if u are hurt. you do not understand what marriage is all abouut. Fro
m ur text ur family is ur dad , mom and sibilings. Chec
k urself or be prepared to be thrown out someday. Amasingly u said that u do not condone wrong doing but ur husband. Please ensure u do not get him angry any further.. I tolally agree with clone2020 that teenagers here will hail u but trust me truth is bitter. See ur husband as ur family with ur child(ren). Mind u, do not despise ur mother an
d father in laws as they matter so much in ur marriage. They have all it takes to make or mar ur marriage.

CioAngels:
My dear friend, ideally her parents should have called them to know if they got home safely, but what if her parents had their own problems too? My dear friend, the unity will start with her, she has to visit her in-laws to apologise and make sure she stays over with them. She will have to do this for peace to reign in her home. Her mother will have to play part by visiting and settle with her daughter's in-laws becos without this her husband will make her miserable in the house becos his mother is not happy with her family. As for her father's death which they did not visit, yes it is painful, but let me ask her, would their visit to condole with her people, would it have brought papa back? No. She has to make her marriage work. Now, are her brothers so young that her husband is taken decisions on how to bury papa? You know already there are issues on ground so why can't her sibbling stamp their feet and bury papa within their reach and forget about it. As for her brother, it is not compulsory he virits her when there is telephone. Please let her apologise to her husband to have a happy home but she should avoid doing things that would make her apologising all the time so that she will not make herself a slave to him. Good luck.

thelish:
U guys behave as if the wives never came from a family.
Thank God say e go reach everybody. Hope u have daughters oo

Clone2020:
Do you have a problem comprehending simple sentences? Where did I say wives don't come from a family? All I said was, I'm very sure her husband would have a different version of the story.

Horsesmouth:
From where Im standing you are a control freak and you display over domineering tendencies.

Your husband married you, you didnt marry him. He married you, and not your father and mother.
By African traditions, your family should respect him and his family and not the other way around.

From where i am standing he may be igbo whie you are yoruba, so cultural differences are expected. Every marriage is full of odd controversies here n there.

yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

Horsesmouth:
I am sure you are a yoruba woman with your skewed judgement of another yoruba womans nonsense story.

Have you heard the husbands side?

anyway, i dont blame you, i blame the husband dat married the yoruba woman. He is in trouble he doesnt know yet.

IfeLuvely:
I cannot remember the last time I logged onto naira land but on seeing this topic I just had to. OP i am a married lady too and I have been something similar. I used to call my parents in law a lot before but eventually my FIL started causing arguments between I and hubby, when I saw this I stopped calling him, then he started saying I don't call him because I hate him, my hubby does not call my parents but not once has my father ever complained about it when my mum complains I just beg her not to be annoyed. Anything they do now that angers me I just IGNORE... whatever people sow they will reap... Some family love each other and are close, some don't! If your husband and his people does not respect your family, leave them, ignore it... You do ur best for the family you came from but always remember that your children are your top priority. @horsemouth it is very clear you are a misogynistic person but don't worry your pickin will grow too what comes around goes around! And please people stop saying men are like babies treat them with respect love etc... Babies do not need respect to survive, they need love and food and shelter. [size=18pt]respect is reciprocal any man that is not ready to respect his wife and demands respect because he feels he is like a baby should darn well stay in his parents house and be treated as such till mature enough to marry...[/size] My dear just ignore ignore ignore what his family does... Infact don't let them call your mum they are not the one feeding her... I don't wanna type too much but some in laws are like that but you are not perfect either hence you have to I will say it again IGNORE

Twinkleme:
The founfation 1. Thank you very much for your input. The foundation use to be very strong until two years ago.
2. My husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault after depositing his body at the mortuary cause he felt that will be a befitting burial and that it doesn't matter what the grave people do with his body to my elder brother-I was not there but my brothers felt it was insensitive of him to have made such sugestion.

3. I have been married for about five years not two years. I heard that the reason why they have never said congratulations to my parents is because they almost had an accident when they travelled back after our wedding. As mentioned in my post, me and my family did not know until about two years ago. I do keep in touch with my husband's family especially his parents and do the little best I can do.

It's quite unfortunate that just when I spoke to my mum about the need for peace-I lost my Dad

thelish:
Go beg the husband for his version na.

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

Horsesmouth:
From where Im standing you are a control freak and you display over domineering tendencies.

Your husband married you, you didnt marry him. He married you, and not your father and mother.
By African traditions, your family should respect him and his family and not the other way around.

From where i am standing he may be igbo whie you are yoruba, so cultural differences are expected. Every marriage is full of odd controversies here n there.

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

thelish:
God bless u. The only realistic comment I ve read on this thread

Ishilove:
If I could like your comment thousands of times, I would. Hers is the only realistic comment so far.

Her brother-in-law came but did not greet her mother, a mourning widow, yet they are saying 'ignore their immature behaviour and show them love'.

I hope they will do same if they were in her shoes

Brightgem:
RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .



I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.[/i] This ur mind set sha how can I finetune mine to be like urs. But the husband aint trying, marriages also unite families, its simply evil not to put aside all differences with death involves. all is not looking well over there.

tkconcept:
Very wise words. I totally agree. Let your family play the matured part even if they don't agree, be butrual love your family, respect them love your husband and kids and be happy!

Ishilove:
FINALLY!! I was seriously wondering if I was the only one who noticed their callousness and meanness. Do you hold grudges with a dead person, considering the manner the deceased passed away?

Nairalanders rush in to give advice without truly analysing the situation. Everyone is screaming 'pet him, ignore them, bla bla bla', meanwhile if they were in her shoes they would probably be very hurt.

Sister God bless you for this piece of wisdom. Twinkleme has mean, petty and nasty in-laws, plain and simple. It is very unfortunate to be mixed with such people

Ishilove:
If I could like your comment thousands of times, I would. Hers is the only realistic comment so far.

Her brother-in-law came but did not greet her mother, a mourning widow, yet they are saying 'ignore their immature behaviour and show them love'.

I hope they will do same if they were in her shoes