₦airaland Forum

alexialin:
True words

Even if I were the husband I will be very angry she doesn't want my Mother to come..
But I won't call her names.. I will tell her to her face she's very wicked.. And next time she shouldn't bother looking for cheap lands.. I will do it with my mum myself. And build My not Our dream house without her input. Maybe her brain will reset and she will start loving my mum. She can stay at home all day if she wants. Her choice.
It's annoying.. Her own MIL? some wives? I just don't understand their beef with MIL.

You have a lot of anger bottled up

Truelies2017:
I don't think some men understands that no matter how angry you are there is power in the tongue and their are some you should never alter or declare on your patner. Correct me if am wrong.

Now this was what happened and I felt i didn't warrant being called that name.

I found out about a cheap land out for sale in lekki. Called hubby to inform him that we should go check it out and might just become land owners. So I think he also discussed it with his mum cause she also planned to buy land for her kids as gift..

So mother in law called me this morning and said she would like to go with us whenever we intend checking the land. I wanted to pour my heart out to my hubby immediately after the conversation but I thought it wasn't the right time.

So later that evening he raised an issue about us going to the land. Then I said i I won't be going since mother in law would be going. I think that got him angry. I tried explaining to him why I won't be going.

To cut the long story short. He started calling me all sort of names. The next word i heard was VAGABOND!!!! In my heart I thought too much. I cried bitterly. It would have hurt if it was just anyone but not the man you are married to who should be the one blessing you. I feel sometimes some men take their power for granted and don't even know the words to refrain from. He repeated this word almost 3times, then it dawned on me he didn't even see anything wrong. So many times he has used other hurtful words and while am trying to make him take back the words or even return the words back to sender am termed as a disrespectful wife. So I thought I seek others opinion.

Are our husbands allowed to use any word on us just because they can and if not this is the medium to let those who doesn't know.

You sound as if your husband is God over your life.His words are as powerless as the sounds you make during sex.

Op Op, no vex u hear. Oya unbehalf of your swerry, that you reported to the house, I say ndoo, Pele, sorry and dooo omo mee. No vex, just see am as one of those things person dey see for marriage. Anytime he is in a good mood, just remind him of the vagabond he called you and I bet you, he will lovingly apologise but if he doesn't, just see it as his person and pray to God to change him, I tell you, God is capable of transforming that aspect of his abusive life to a loving and respectful one.
For your mother in law, no vex too because I know how emotionally painful it could be when you feel your husband is been controlled by his mother or put his mother first before you but just have it at the back of your mind that someday you will be a mother in law too, and I tell you, with this thought, you will never see your mother in law as your rival again. Marriage is beautiful only when you pray more and overlook certain character of your partner. Make i stop here but op, you no be vagabond you hear, na vex him just dey vex. Is your husband an Edo man? Just asking though

Madam let's call a spade a spade. You are the one running away and deviating from the main issue. You cannot expect to go into a court of law and tell the judge someone called you vagabond then the next thing is for him to pass his judgement. It's never done. I am not supporting your husband's choice of words but for every reaction there must have been an action. You certainly pushed him over the edge by backing down on the plan to go for the land when his mum got involved. I sense you want to have full control over your man and know his plans. But my dear you just have to adjust. Confiding in his mother doesn't mean he don't love you. Such things take time to get used to. He probably has been confiding in her almost all his life and all of a sudden you expect it to stop abruptly. It will take time my dear. The best thing you can do is to try n tolerate your in laws. As for your husband. Since you know he.'s temperamental. Try not to trigger him. Of course anyone wld be upset when you cancelled the appointment. You didn't know you don't have money before you organised the search. C.mon. if you were a mother and you heard your daughter in law refused to go for a land search cos you were coming along. How would you feel?

Truelies2017:
NAiRALAND ooo!!! So that is hpw the whole lots of you deviated from the vagabond topic to MIL. I stated in my post he didn't call me that because unsaid his mum shouldn't go with us to check the land. He called me that cause I refused to tell him his mum has asked to go check the land without the consent. The question here is should a HUSBAND call his wife a vagabond. Besides i dont have any issues woth my mother in law at all. I love her like my mother. Deviating from the topic won't bring the answer. It will only casue more problems btw us. TRULY sometimes nairaland isn't the place to.pour out your mind. They will only nicely compound your issues spicing it up with joy pepper sauce.

The topic though

I wish you more patience and tolerance because you are going to need more of them as far as your husband is concerned otherwise you would throw in the towel if you can't take it anymore

Truelies2017:
[b]Dear hubby, if it happens you eventually find this post. I am not happy I was called that. That am smiling with you is because if i don't let go of grudge it's me that will still suffer but every time I i remember being called a vagabond. All I feel like doing is keeping to myself and not talking to you again you didn't kill my self esteem in anyway cause no man has the right to do that. But you have given me something to live with for a longgg time. No one has ever ever called me the kind of names you use on me many times you are angry not even my strict dad, and my keeping quiet is just because i don want you to call me a disrespectful wife again. Piece of my mind. A man, father and husband should live the life and say the kind of words you would want to hear your daughter's husband's say in future. I respect you and will always do but if I don't let you know how i feel now you will keep calling me names and I don't want. Let's bless each other more while angry than cause. Cause with time it will unconciously be depicted in our ways and we won't remember it was our mouth that caused it.[/b]

I hope you speak as passionately as you write.

For me (and perhaps 99% of the men on here) hearing these words will jolt me to my senses and perhaps make me resolve to watch my words.

we women can say so many things(insult) to our hubby in heated argument and not remember..... but the single 'word' our husband will give to us will become a major issue.


He would apologize let's say a few days.

from ur two topics u married him cos hes rich and u say the signs and overlooked. so why bother us

PaperLace:
Someone with sense!!!!
Oh, OP's problem isn't even her MIL following. Even if it is, she has a point.

That is the core problem, the OP does not want to say it out. The fact that her husband called her a vagabond without provocations is an indication that the husband sensed her discomfort when the mother meddles into their affairs. A man has to listen to his life partner, his mother is not his life partner. Abi na the mother wan come live for the house ? Why does the mother in law want to buy land close to the son ? Why does she want to buy land for his sons any way. She should give them the money as loan for them to buy their land where ever they want.

The mother in law is just using her money to control the children, she is a matriach. And that is very dangerous for their marriage and the independent experiences that comes with marriage.

Not my business though, before I make more enemies, I already have enough.

thorpido:
Your husband is very wrong for using those words.If he felt offended about anything,he should have discussed it.
I think the major problem here is communication.You both need to improve on it.

The foundation of the marriage also matters.........finding partners in a club or bar,a school environment,Oshodi market etc determines how words will be used.

watin carry oshodi market enter this matter now.nna i tire for you o.

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

She wanted to go with her husband, what is he bringing his mum along for?

Billyonaire:
What is the business of the mother in law on the plot of land that the new couple want for themselves. I mean some of these mothers in law do not know where their boundaries end. It is not love, to allow your mom to intrude into your private dealings with your own wife, it is actually a mental disorder. It is a possessive disorder. Parents should learn to give their children space once they are married. They had their time with their husbands, it is time for their kids to have their own moment. Times have changed, so traditions and customs need updates.

100% correct bro

Nne, for refusing to go with the mum involved, you are a VAGABOND in and out...quote me anywhere.

THINGS I NOTICED
1. OP is rude
2. OP doesn't want to be corrected
3. OP has an issue with her MIL(Mother in Law)
4. OP's husband is also rude and a mummy's boy

Verdict: OP u are d passive aggressive kind of women and i would advise u bring whatever bothers u to d table 4 discussion
Note: Ur husband cannot control his anger especially wen it comes to issues regarding his mum so know how to approcach him.

Marriage and it's own wahala I swear! He called vagabond and you replied what to him.
Though am married but I will never use such on my wife,but you have to forgive and let go. It's not always bed of roses.

Billyonaire:
That is the core problem, the OP does not want to say it out. The fact that her husband called her a vagabond without provocations is an indication that the husband sensed her discomfort when the mother meddles into their affairs. A man has to listen to his life partner, his mother is not his life partner. Abi na the mother wan come live for the house ? Why does the mother in law want to buy land close to the son ? Why does she want to buy land for his sons any way. She should give them the money as loan for them to buy their land where ever they want.

The mother in law is just using her money to control the children, she is a matriach. And that is very dangerous for their marriage and the independent experiences that comes with marriage.

Not my business though, before I make more enemies, I already have enough.

This is the internet, everyone is trying to play the perfect wife.
In future_ I don't want my kids dragging me into their marital life or decisions. It doesn't mean they love me less. I love my parents too, but I will never allow them tag along when we are going on such venture.

I wonder why it must be close to them she buys land. I won't tolerate any nosey MIL, I won't.

infogenius:
op sorry oh
Husbands are not expected to call their wives names.

But honestly I believe you caused the outburst.
The moment a wife is trying to create a form of " I'm more important or who is more important" kind of a competition with her mother in law.
She is looking for big trouble.

Do you want your husband to cajole or beg to follow him and his mother to the site knowing fully well you got the information of the property.

Listen woman, you are your husband's wife and that is your position in his life. Please remain his wife and don't try to create friction between him and his mum. It's just an advice.
No reasonable man will tolerate the creation of competition between the important women in his life
In a space of time you too will become a mother in law and you remember all these scripts you performed as a wife.
Se jeje oh.

Your head correct. 20 bottles of orijin

Billyonaire:
What is the business of the mother in law on the plot of land that the new couple want for themselves. I mean some of these mothers in law do not know where their boundaries end. It is not love, to allow your mom to intrude into your private dealings with your own wife, it is actually a mental disorder. It is a possessive disorder. Parents should learn to give their children space once they are married. They had their time with their husbands, it is time for their kids to have their own moment. Times have changed, so traditions and customs need updates.

You are the only person with correct brain here.

You were told about land, you have not even seen it yet, you went to tell your mother.
I'm tired of all these men that are still tied to their mother's wrapper.

Madam op. Carry your cross. Marriage na bail of okrika. When you open, what you see is what you get. Next time if he calls you vagabond, you call him oko vagabond.
Bye

Truelies2017:
You all have spoken well. And yes the story isn't complete. But I didn't bother breaking it down cause I feel there is still no reason whatsoever to annoy you to the point of calling me a vagabond. It killed the love I have for him instantly at that moment. The fact an a wife makes my husband talk to me anyhow. If I made a mistake by calling him back a vagabond (I wouldn't have being able to call him that cause that word is just too heavy) but if I did. He would have called me a disrespectful wife. He is the kind of man who believes you must hold him in high esteem and with all manly respect, don't talk while am talking kind of man, the kind of man who wants you to give him a fatherly kind of respect. The kind of man who wouldnt talk to you for more than a day if you wake up in the morning forgetting to say goodmorning, the kind of man who doesn't believe a woman deserve to be respected, (hubby, if you see this correct me if am wrong) But how do you treat me?. Do i I have issues with his mum. Well that's personal, and i dont but he thinks i do. But was it because I refused to go check out the land with them he called me a vagabond? NO. He called me that because I didn't tell him his mum said she would be going to check out the land with us. I thought it was a decision they both made. So I decided I wasn't gonna interfere, and since it's not.like I have any money of my own yet to acquire a land, let him and his mum who really needs it more than I do go together. However I don't want to be there while she is making land decisions for her other kids. so his annoyance was why did i conclude that he asked his mum to go and check out the land with us and not discuss it with him first. That was what led to the name calling, but shpuld it warrant vagabond, calling me a FOOL almost 10times and topped it with vagabond. I can't deal. Too much for me. Dear hubby, if it happens you eventually find this post. I am not happy I was called that. That am smiling with you is because if i don't let go of grudge it's me that will still suffer but every time I i remember being called a vagabond. All I feel like doing is keeping to myself and not talking to you again you didn't kill my self esteem in anyway cause no man has the right to do that. But you have given me something to live with for a longgg time. No one has ever ever called me the kind of names you use on me many times you are angry not even my strict dad, and my keeping quiet is just because i don want you to call me a disrespectful wife again. Piece of my mind. A man, father and husband should live the life and say the kind of words you would want to hear your daughter's husband's say in future. I respect you and will always do but if I don't let you know how i feel now you will keep calling me names and I don't want. Let's bless each other more while angry than cause. Cause with time it will unconciously be depicted in our ways and we won't remember it was our mouth that caused it.

Obviously, from this post, I have no doubt to say you are a very emotional woman and to be honest, it won't help your marriage (you must be a Pisces zodiac sign). You still have a lot to learn. Try to not allow words hurt you so deep. Laugh over it and shove it aside. Do not be too rigid and bring every word, statement , or name calling under a microscope or weighing machine to weigh the gravity and measure how much it hurts. You'll render yourself readily prone to depression, dejection, desperation to pay back and unwarranted vindictiveness. Just imagine how much time it has taken you to type these words and bring it to public limelight as opposed to the split seconds it will take you to laugh over name calling and shove it off. it's more mature not to brood over whatever your hubby says. Brush it off, laugh like it's so hilarious, joke and play - put on a lighter countenance abeg. All these he said and did not say...is simply a tool for the devil to sow seeds of hatred, destruction, resentment then gradually, the cookie crumbles as a result of years of accumulated grievance.

oya no vex. go play with your guy jor

AreaFada2:
Dude you jumped to conclusion too soon.

OP has no beef about MIL going. The land decision involves the MIL, her hubby and MIL's other children. OP felt it was inappropriate for her to involved in land matter involving the entire family.
Since whatever become her hubby's at the end will also be hers. If anything she showed too much respect/courtesy towards her inlaws. Remember also that since she herself might not be contributing financially (depending on family dynamics), she might have little or no say say anyway.

Her hubby's main grouse was that OP discussed going to see the land with MIL without discussing it with him first. It rather shows that OP has a good enough rapport to feel free discussing land with MIL. Even if the usual MIL-DIL tension might be there hibernating.

If hubby badly needed OP to come along, all he needed to do was convince her. After all he managed to woo her and got her to marry him.

Azin eh. He did not take permission from his wife before discussing about the land. Yet he's angry he was not briefed about checking the land. How was she to know that you guys did not discuss the mstter already?
Selfish man

Your post just confirmed what your husband said.

OP
Am not sure you know the meaning of a vagabond, just because the word sounds big you feel it means much, you are just fuming over nothing

just for your perusal

vagabond
ˈvaɡəbɒnd/
noun
1.
a person who wanders from place to place without a home or job.
synonyms: itinerant, wanderer, nomad, wayfarer, traveller, gypsy, rover, tramp, vagrant, drifter, transient, migrant, homeless person, derelict, beachcomber, down-and-out, beggar, person of no fixed address/abode, knight of the road, bird of passage, rolling stone; More

So go home and solve your issue than coming here to make a mountain out of a mole hill ...

ReneeNuttall:
This story is not complete, you didn't tell us why u refused going with ur hubby and his mum,since u are the one that initiated the idea of going to check the land....it seems u are not in good terms with ur mother in-law...pls am not justifying what ur husband said,in fact he was very wrong to av used dat word.

But then again,u ought to have know that men are emotionally attached to their mothers,while women to their dad,hence u shouldn't have denied going since the mom is going too.Also the way u replied him,wen u told him u are not going since the mom is accompanying him,might have made him get angry....just my thought though...keep praying and hoping for the best.

Well said. If this story from "TrueLies" is true, then its probably half the tale. At the end of the day, just be true to yourself, because you alone know what truly transpired.

Truelies2017:
NAiRALAND ooo!!! So that is hpw the whole lots of you deviated from the vagabond topic to MIL. I stated in my post he didn't call me that because unsaid his mum shouldn't go with us to check the land. He called me that cause I refused to tell him his mum has asked to go check the land without the consent. The question here is should a HUSBAND call his wife a vagabond. Besides i dont have any issues woth my mother in law at all. I love her like my mother. Deviating from the topic won't bring the answer. It will only casue more problems btw us. TRULY sometimes nairaland isn't the place to.pour out your mind. They will only nicely compound your issues spicing it up with joy pepper sauce.

Aunty do you think we're illiterates... You said you didn't want to interfere with mother and son... now you're saying he called you a vagabond because you refused to tell him his mum has asked to go and check the land with you guys without his consent...

e be like say English dey worry you... Mstcheeeeeew!!!

Rainmaker69:
Well said. If this story from "TrueLies" is true, then its probably half the tale. At the end of the day, just be true to yourself, because you alone know what truly transpired.

what more can I say? I believe before they got married, they courted for a while,and during their period of courtship she ought to av seen that the man is hyper abusive.But u know women now,they will neglect it ,since their minds are alrdy made up to become a MRS.

BuddhaPalm:
She wanted to go with her husband, what is he bringing his mum along for?

She told her MIL about the land,and her MIL agreed to go and see it,but she refused to tell her hubby simply because she didn't want her MIL to accompany them.

Lol, i"m sorry i laughed





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KlCBRHpDxo

should he not be the one telling his mom about the land? Abi your husband na irresponsible man? Speak with him first about anything before bringing in a third party and not the other way round irrespective of what you think and submit to his direction, it's called been submissive. By the way is vagabond is it an insult?

adatemi:
Hope you learnt your lesson! This is not the right place to seek for marital advise. Only 5% gave you good advise because they know where you coming from while the rest were young men with no experience. They asked why you wouldn't allow your mother in-law to accompany you & husband.
My dear, you are right to feel the way you do. It should be between you two. Pray and I hope your man will grow up with time. Make sure you empower yourself because that will make him to respect you as a human being.

Very one sided advice...bed of the same feather....dont worry you will be mother inlaw one day too and you will be detach from your kids.

Truelies2017:
You all have spoken well. And yes the story isn't complete. But I didn't bother breaking it down cause I feel there is still no reason whatsoever to annoy you to the point of calling me a vagabond. It killed the love I have for him instantly at that moment. The fact an a wife makes my husband talk to me anyhow. If I made a mistake by calling him back a vagabond (I wouldn't have being able to call him that cause that word is just too heavy) but if I did. He would have called me a disrespectful wife. He is the kind of man who believes you must hold him in high esteem and with all manly respect, don't talk while am talking kind of man, the kind of man who wants you to give him a fatherly kind of respect. The kind of man who wouldnt talk to you for more than a day if you wake up in the morning forgetting to say goodmorning, the kind of man who doesn't believe a woman deserve to be respected, (hubby, if you see this correct me if am wrong) But how do you treat me?. Do i I have issues with his mum. Well that's personal, and i dont but he thinks i do. But was it because I refused to go check out the land with them he called me a vagabond? NO. He called me that because I didn't tell him his mum said she would be going to check out the land with us. I thought it was a decision they both made. So I decided I wasn't gonna interfere, and since it's not.like I have any money of my own yet to acquire a land, let him and his mum who really needs it more than I do go together. However I don't want to be there while she is making land decisions for her other kids. so his annoyance was why did i conclude that he asked his mum to go and check out the land with us and not discuss it with him first. That was what led to the name calling, but shpuld it warrant vagabond, calling me a FOOL almost 10times and topped it with vagabond. I can't deal. Too much for me. Dear hubby, if it happens you eventually find this post. I am not happy I was called that. That am smiling with you is because if i don't let go of grudge it's me that will still suffer but every time I i remember being called a vagabond. All I feel like doing is keeping to myself and not talking to you again you didn't kill my self esteem in anyway cause no man has the right to do that. But you have given me something to live with for a longgg time. No one has ever ever called me the kind of names you use on me many times you are angry not even my strict dad, and my keeping quiet is just because i don want you to call me a disrespectful wife again. Piece of my mind. A man, father and husband should live the life and say the kind of words you would want to hear your daughter's husband's say in future. I respect you and will always do but if I don't let you know how i feel now you will keep calling me names and I don't want. Let's bless each other more while angry than cause. Cause with time it will unconciously be depicted in our ways and we won't remember it was our mouth that caused it.

Madam i will be simple with you.

1. it's not right your hubby is calling you names.

2. I sense you have a deep seated resentment for your mother in law. The excuse that you don't want to be present when she's making land decision for her other children is lame and unacceptable.

3. In view of the second point, you are a woman as your mother in law, you should join the campaign against the resentments that exists between ladies and their mother in laws because it will soon be your turn to be a mother in law and am sure you will not like to find out that your daughter in law resent you.

4. To call you a vagabond is bad enough but i am trying to get the meaning and i begin to wonder if it is more than how it's described even by dictionary.

5. In view of the above, let go of the grudge as it's only eating you up and it may lead to some other things like bitterness, depression, sickness, spiritual attacks and other things.

6. One of the principle of life you must uphold is not to compromise your happiness, and don't fake it, make it real every moment.

7. In view of the above, nursing a grudge and smiling at the same time makes you live a fake life. There's no need being timid about it, approach him and let him know you are hurt by the name calling and you two should resolve it, if you can be open about it on nairaland you should be opened about it with him.

Like who even uses d word vagabond?!? U and hubby do not respect each oda or communicate well. U need 2 work on dat. U shouldn't insult each oda, even during heated arguments, or be saying back 2 sender. Y don't u like ur MIL?