₦airaland Forum

Please let's contribute to this thriving universal problem. Almost every marriage this days don't last anymore, and yet almost everybody wants to get married. Am just thinking why is it that marriages this days barely last.

What are we doing wrong?.

Do you think marriage is over rated?.

Please share your opinion?.

YES!!

That's what you wanted to hear right.

Marriage is a mystery to all and will continue to be.

What works for me might destroy your own marriage.

Marriages crash so much this days because of so much distractions and wrong/destructive knowledge.

StephDamielola:
YES!!

That's what you wanted to hear right.

Marriage is a mystery to all and will continue to be.

That's not what i want to hear, this is a general topic. Am just thinking why is it that marriages this days barely last. What are we doing wrong?.

CokersClub:
That's not what i want to hear, this is a general topic. Am just thinking why is that marriages this days barely last. What are we doing wrong?.

Copying the whites....

Paying less attention to marriage and more to wedding...

Social Media Lovers.....

Telemundo believers

etc

StephDamielola:
Copying the whites....

Paying less attention to marriage and more to wedding...

Social Media Lovers.....

Telemundo believers

etc

You are right?, Do you think people get married for the wrong reasons?. Infatuation? , lust? , and greed?

Your marriage is what you make it to be. If you bring your uniqueness to it and allow your partner to do the same , and you stay true to who you are as a couple maybe your marriage could have a different outcome. On the other hand if you bring nothing but society rules and expectations to your marriage please don't be shocked when it turns out like the rest of the marriages you see around you. Marriage is like a soup I guess , we can all use the same ingredients but the out come will depend on the recipe. The best chefs are always those who constantly try new recipes when the old ones don't do it anymore but not forgetting the basics of course.

Lionessza:
Your marriage is what you make it to be. If you bring your uniqueness to it and allow your partner to do the same , and you stay true to who you are as a couple maybe your marriage could have a different outcome. On the other hand if you bring nothing but society rules and expectations to your marriage please don't be shocked when it turns out like the rest of the marriages you see around you. Marriage is like a soup I guess , we can all use the same ingredients but the out come will depend on the recipe. The best chefs are always those who constantly try new recipes when the old ones don't do it anymore but not forgetting the basics of course.

Even with proper understanding of marriage, 99% of marriages still crash. What is our generation lacking. I have seen a very sweet marriage crash like a plane.

[quote author=StephDamielola post=56607216]Copying the whites....

Paying less attention to marriage and more to wedding...

Social Media Lovers.....

Telemundo believers

etc
I wouldn't believe less. Marriage is a day after wedding.
Most couples don't engage themselves in acquiring knowledge about marriage. We have engulfed ourselves with wedding forgetting the fact that wedding is not marriage. You see people preparing for marriage but what they are actually preparing for is wedding. Read materials on marriage and you will enjoy your marriage life. Marriage is a journey you've never traveled to; acquire knowledge before you venture into the journey. (A day after wedding is called the marriage ). Gracia

I have a male friend who always say to me, "if I marry today, I no say the marriage go crash, no be say I no good oo, but marriage no dey last again for our generation" . And behold he got married, and barely 2months, the marriage is over.

Afam6
Thanks for that great contribution. So your point is that, we invest more in wedding than marriage?. Why do you think we do this?. Because personally i believe a wedding should be a memorable day for the bride and groom.

To further prove the point; when the Pharisees tested Jesus on marriage saying "is it good for a man to divorce his wife?" And Jesus answer them saying "have you not READ?; that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female. So Jesus is recommending reading here ( go for knowledge and you will have the best marriage of your life) [quote author=Afam6 post=56607712][/quote]

To some, Yes, To some, No

StephDamielola:
Copying the whites....

Paying less attention to marriage and more to wedding...

Social Media Lovers.....

Telemundo believers

etc

Chai, dis fyne geh. U took my lines.

Wetin I wan talk again....

Most pple fail to realize that certain stuff they wanna practice will still not be ripe enough for our generation's consumption; you swallow @ owner's risk!

We will eventually get there but your life doesn't need to be a costly experiment or prototype of what's not gonna work here in this environment. If you can't stick it, then take a hike elsewhere where you'll find people with your views and you get hitched to them.

But, all these talk about ladies seeking marriages where they don't get to cook etc; it will just lead to heartbreaks on the long run.

Amarabae:
To some, Yes, To some, No

please elaborate?

IdeyFindWife:
We will eventually get there but your life doesn't need to be a costly experiment or prototype of what's not gonna work here in this environment.If you can't stick it, then take a hike elsewh

Am having trouble comprehending this lines, please throw more light, so others would understand?.

CokersClub:
Even with proper understanding of marriage, 99% of marriages still crash. What is our generation lacking. I have seen a very sweet marriage crash like a plane.

What is proper understanding of marriage? . You saw what you thought were sweet marriages clearly they were not . I guess this a greedy generation we want it all, we want to please our parents by conducting our marriages the way they think we should , at the same time we want marriages that reflect today's ways by that I mean we understand times have changed and so have most things. I think people should just do "them" and not what they think is expected.

CokersClub:
Afam6
Thanks for that great contribution. So your point is that, we invest more in wedding than marriage?. Why do you think we do this?. Because personally i believe a wedding should be a memorable day for the bride and groom.

I can Wed anybody but that doesn't mean I can marry anybody. There's what we call gender differences ( the way women behave the way deh do and also men) you should be able to learn all these stuffs before considering hooking up with anyone. Is better to be single believing God to be married than being married and praying to God to become single. Remember dat the worst mistake in earth is to marry a wrong woman. How I wish you know the journey ahead...

Lionessza:
What is proper understanding of marriage? . You saw what you thought were sweet marriages clearly they were not . I guess this a greedy generation we want it all, we want to please our parents by conducting our marriages the way they think we should , at the same time we want marriages that reflect today's ways by that I mean we understand times have changed and so have most things. I think people should just do "them" and not what they think is expected.

Yeah, we tend to do what the society wants in order to gain public praises, while deep down, we are not ready for what we are going into. I love your point. But what's the solution, I know our discussion would educate someone somewhere one day.

Afam6:
I can Wed anybody but that doesn't mean I can marry anybody. There's what we call gender differences ( the way women behave the way deh do and also men) you should be able to learn all these stuffs before considering hooking up with anyone. Is better to be single believing God to be married than being married and praying to God to become single. Remember dat the worst mistake in earth is to marry a wrong woman. How I wish you know the journey ahead...

I have a female friend desperate to get married, I have tried begging her to forget about marriage.

Marriage is not over rated .
Most marriages will work if both couples are true to themselves and really listen and understand what one is saying to the other .
And also understand the term called true love and companionship.
Marriage is give and take from both sides . if u don't know how to give warmly and lovingly as a person, likewise if u can't receive warmly and appreciate every little thing given to u , then no need delving into marriage . these traits applies to both the guy and the Lady, not just one sided .
In fact people should stop being selfish, deceitful and unnecessarily stubborn . cause this three traits can destroy any relationship, how much more marriage .

CokersClub:
I have a female friend desperate to get married, I have tried begging her to forget about marriage.

But why beg her to forget about marriage ?

CokersClub:
Am having trouble comprehending this lines, please throw more light, so others would understand?.

Localizing to Nigeria;you find that there are stereotypes, anticipated behavioral responses based on gender-role expectations, cultural templates being enforced by ethno-spiritual institutions and still being reinforced even into adulthood via all agents of socialization.

It becomes pretty clear that when you date, court and marry a Naija guy/babe at home (and even some abroad), there may be certain expectations coming pre-installed with your package, and except your spouse is so detribalized and thoroughly cosmopolitan to that point, living in denial of those values may later trip you up in the relationship.

I've heard Yoruba friends talking about how much "respect, honor and patrilineal authority" meant in their backgrounds and am thinking "wow, Mami Nkechi pretty much sounded off anytime she needed to point out her discomfort"! How would she have coped if the reverse was the case and values would have been taught to coming generations.

While, it might not be necessarily a bad thing, you dont marry a male from such settings and sound-off anyhow; he might react to that.

I feel we don't study ourselves enuf to read In between the lines and to hear more of what's not being said.

alexialin:
But why beg her to forget about marriage ?

Bros, marriages don't last. She's a close friend, let's say best friend. And she's too emotional, the guy planning to marry her, that one nah war, and I can see the beginning and ending of the union.

Marriage is not overrated. If it is what it's supposed to be, then it's awesome. But it isn't always what it's supposed to be because people who aren't suited for marriage (or each other) do it anyway, and make a mess of it. Some of the reasons many marriages hit the rocks these days are...

1. A disregard for the institution
Many people take the institution of marriage way too casually. They undermine marital vows at a whim because nobody holds them accountable. If breaking the vows were considered perjury and punishable by law, people wouldn't take them so carelessly, without serious thought. And they also won't break them as easily.

But because the only thing they answer to is their own conscience, people jump in without proper consideration.


2. Questionable motives
Why are you getting married? What are the right reasons to get married?
A. You've met someone you can't live without
B. You're of age and it's expected of you
C. You want children and it's almost too late for you
D. You need someone to keep your house in order
E. You need someone to offer you financial security
F. You are afraid of being alone
G. It's a prerequisite for the next phase of your career
H. Respectability
I. Peer or social pressure

If you run through the marital vows in your head right now, you'll realize there's just one reason that would see it to the end. But people are short-sighted and make decisions to meet immediate goals, using marriage as a means to an end.

3. Having your head in the clouds
There's a difference between being 'in love' with a person and 'loving' a person. It is easy to fall in and out of love; it doesn't mean you get to flip-flop with marriage as well. If you're in a marriage, your promise is to love not to be 'in love'. And to love means..........that tedious passage in Corinthians? Loving someone is a conscious decision which demands conscious effort. Being 'in love' is just that insane infatuation that is often fleeting, but can be extended and revitalized if you aren't lazy.

So before you decide to vow to love that person you're currently 'in love' with, see if it is a healthy choice for you.

4. Symbiosis (or a lack of it)
People are becoming self-reliant; men cannot be held to ransom by a woman who refuses to cook and women cannot be held to ransom by a man who refuses to buy her expensive things (or at least, that's were we are headed with gender equality). But there was a time when women married primarily for financial security and tolerated a whole lot of domestic abuse to keep it.

Now, emotional stability, support, companionship are crucial, and both parties must be willing to dig deep in order to find things, worthy enough, to bring to the table. If they don't, one party will begin to feel taken advantage of and suffocate under the pressure.

alexialin:
Marriage is not over rated .
Most marriages will work if both couples are true to themselves and really listen and understand what one is saying to the other .
And also understand the term called true love and companionship.
Marriage is give and take from both sides . if u don't know how to give warmly and lovingly as a person, likewise if u can't receive warmly and appreciate every little thing given to u , then no need delving into marriage . these traits applies to both the guy and the Lady, not just one sided .
In fact people should stop being selfish, deceitful and unnecessarily stubborn . cause this three traits can destroy any relationship, how much more marriage .

Your points are unique, but you said, marriage is give and take?, If you give and you are expecting a favour in return, I think problem would come up, if your expectations are not coming forward.

IdeyFindWife:
Localizing to Nigeria;you find that there are stereotypes, anticipated behavioral responses based on gender-role expectations, cultural templates being enforced by ethno-spiritual institutions and still being reinforced even into adulthood via all agents of socialization.

It becomes pretty clear that when you date, court and marry a Naija guy/babe at home (and even some abroad), there may be certain expectations coming pre-installed with your package, and except your spouse is so detribalized and thoroughly cosmopolitan to that point, living in denial of those values may later trip you up in the relatio

Exactly my view sir, but please can you tell us more about the followings:

1. What are those behavioral responses based on gender-role expectations?.

2. What are those cultural templates being enforced by ethno-spiritual institutions?.

3. How are these elements still being reinforced even into adulthood via all agents of socialization?. Thanks.

CokersClub:
Yeah, we tend to do what the society wants in order to gain public praises, while deep down, we are not ready for what we are going into. I love your point. But what's the solution, I know our discussion would educate someone somewhere one day.

I don't think there is a single universal solution, but I do believe every couple need to sit down before embarking on the journey of marriage. Define themselves individually, if you cant define who you are and what is important to you as an individual don't get married, because you have nothing to offer the union. If you are both clear about who you are then the next step should be defining how you both want the marriage to work , how are you going to accommodate each other's careers and interests and how are you going to bridge the gap between the two to form a healthy and strong partnership. If you cant find a common ground here don't get married because sooner or later these questions will resurface in the relationship.


My two cents.

RaggedyAnn:

Wonderful writeup. Thumbs up

Lionessza:
I don't think there is a single universal solution, but I do believe every couple need to sit down before embarking on the journey of marriage. Define themselves individually, if you cant define who you are and what is important to you as an individual don't get married, because you have nothing to offer the union. If you are both clear about who you are then the next step should be defining how you both want the marriage to work , how are you going to accommodate each other's careers and interests and how are you going to bridge the gap between the two to form a healthy and strong partnership. If you cant find a common ground here don't get married because sooner or later these questions will resurface in the relationship.


My two cents.

Personally, do you think you are ready for marriage?

CokersClub:
Your points are unique, but you said, marriage is give and take?, If you give and you are expecting a favour in return, I think problem would come up, if your expectations are not coming forward.

Example of me giving my man means ? When I buy a male designer bag on my way home to surprise my man . I open the door to my apartment , I see my man relaxed ,watching TV and he smiled and said welcome dear . I smiled weakly and walk to where he's seated . place my bags on the floor and we hug and ask how was work today? Then few mins , I hand over the gift to him and he will be like what's this? I will say open it and see nah?
He will smile and say OK?
He opens and was like wow!
Honey?? For me?? Jeez!
And quickly gives me a very tight hug and a soft passionate kiss , saying thanks my cupcake .. Wow! I love this ! And its pure 100% leather ..

The sincere smile
The surprise look
The adoring eyes
The warm tight hug
The soft passionate kiss

Is enough favour in return and enough to make my soul happy.

Likewise him too.



That appreciative and sincere smile and joy goes a long way for me.
I don't know of another person out there o.

CokersClub:
Bros, marriages don't last. She's a close friend, let's say best friend. And she's too emotional, the guy planning to marry her, that one nah war, and I can see the beginning and ending of the union.

And that's where your analysis is wrong.
For someone to be too emotional is not a bad thing , it simply shows she is human.

Am very emotional , likewise my man that's why we always place our selves in each other shoes when doing anything that will affect the other and that's why communication matters a lot.

As long as your best friend and her man communicates often and they both have conscience , I don't see anything wrong about them becoming man and wife .

Emotional people need companions , real life long legal companions not flings .
U are not with them when they are having their alone time ,so no need advocating the divorce before it starts .

Its not good at all

If I were your best friend ? I would have withdrawn from u quickly but surely .
Haba.

CokersClub:
Please contribute if you have any?

On it.