I've been married 4 years. I'm just not happy right now. And I don't know if there are other women in my shoes and how they cope.

I'm 30 and he''s 37. We have two lovely boys. We live in southern part of Nigeria and while I work with a telecoms company, hubby works with the state govt. I earn about 250k and hubby about 70k. I'm ok with this. But hubby has left almost all financial responsibilities to me. I pay rent, feeding and the bulk of kids school fees while he does water board and electricity bills. There's no security in my job so I try to save for the future. Hubby lives above his means , sometimes buys expensive stuff on credit and always claims to have no money. Always taking loan for one thing ot the other from the office and so has been earning only 30k since. So once he pays for water and light bill buys few provisions that's the end of the salary , all other expenses r back to me. I dare not complain or ask him for money cos he will say so with that my big salary I'm still looking at his thats nit available. He blames it on the poor govt pay but I always wonder how family men with housewives earning the govt pay are doing it.

The thing is, is this normal? I'm loosing it. I feel like a single mother just struggling a lot of times. He has never dropped 1 kobo for the children's clothes. Most times I have to augment with okrika for myself n the kids. Meanwhile he has never changed diaper once for the babies. Everything is on me. Most times I feel drained and this man will still complain with disgust that there is not enough Maggi in the soup, I dare not put only 1 piece of meat on his plate.

Is this what marriage is about? Please note that i am very humble and he knows it. Once in a while he will praise me for all the assistance in this economy. But im exhausted. I thot a man is supoosed to add value to me when i marry or is it a curse to earn more as a woman?.I haven't just come to complain I am seeking advise.

Mature women and men pls help

Hmmm...seems like a good man to me....just alittle councelling would do d magic

Make a financial plan together based on both your incomes, who earns more does more but you both need to equally pull your weight.


Talk to him about sharing chores don't die in anger and silence.

Goodluck

Seems like a looser to me, a mean who lets his wife do 90% of his responsibilities for him. what a pathetic looser. don't know about other men, but i feel ashamed when a woman does certain financial stuff for me. Sure..she can help when we are married...but its entirely up to her. after all i never saw my dad living off my moms salary.

Biko please what can 70k salary achieve in this Nigeria... You are not a supportive wife...

You are the head of the family lol

Divorce him asap... Then take care of the kids alone..

Their is no much difference between you and a single mom

I'm not here to break up your marriage, but your husband is using you. He may even be spending the little bit he had on another woman. I will reserve my advice but I don't think you will be happy this way for long.

Op you led him to this, sorry to say. agreeing to carry out those responsibility in the first time without any clear agreement on when to stop has made him so relaxed and forgotten his manly responsibilities as a husband. He now assumed you'll continue this way for as long as you two are together since you already started it he doesn't see the need for you to stop it now.
How you gonna get out of this? Hmm.. Get him to sit down and talk some stern words into his head. Tell him your job has no security as you mentioned, you have to save for the future and can't continue like this! Remind him he's the man and head of the family because he seems to have forgotten. Cut half the spending and stand by your action. Do not fall back no matter how he starts arguing or throwing tantrums. When he sees how serious you are he will sit up and do his work I hope.

sorry ma, I feel ur pain. Its ur family, u have to do everything u can to keep ur family together.
Talk to him politely, let him know how u feel.
Pls take good care of ur boys!
cheers

when a man takes care of the bill 100% there's no problem. when a woman does close to 90% there'll be problem. so much for gender equality nonsense.

on that note, please keep paying the bills but leave out some and get him tensed. like make him understand its not enough. don't push too far with this though.

anyways, I think he is too relaxed because of your pay. talk sense to him or talk to his family for help.

and yes am not married so this advice is based on common sense.

We have seen all that in the situation were wifee earns more than the husband even in my own family

If you dont change thing right now,you will continue like that forever.

You may end up training those kids yourself till university.

The man will not even struggle to earn extra income becos he feels you have money.

You have to sit him down and map out how he can earn extra income to add to what he is earning.

If he is not ready,then i think you should tell him of an impending sack in your office and later non come
up with a story of you been offered a lower salary of say 120k to retain your job and since the economy is
bad,you will still manage the pay cut.

If that goes well,then you have to limit how much you are bringing to the table to say 40k.

Both of you should draw the house budget and you will sample your 40k while he brings the rest.

If he disagrees or makes trouble,then stand your ground, worst thing you leave the union.

It's not bad to earn more than your husband . TBH your husband has only shown us financial recklessness and gross irresponsibility which is very harmful to your future . You might not achieve anything tangible in life and probably end up living below your income negatively.
I don't support you leaving your husband (anti husband no easy to find these days oo, 2 much fuxk boys thinking they are men)
so try this . Tell him you have to take a pay cut BC your company released a memo that it intends to downsize and restructure, and the only reason you are taking the pay cut is to have something doing till you get another job . Peg your salary a bit higher than his . Save a lot for rainy days trust me it's coming and if you are not coming it's gonna be flood. Hopefully he will stop his money stupid actions and man up . And always use sense , these days nobody discloses his or her pay to partner for financial security . Wise up

Lol, indeed life has 2 sides, only the concerned would understand. sincerely I do not support the husbands attitude but funny as it sounds what I see here is d inverse case of what some men face with their wives who claim to be supportive. Though they bear it somehow but a woman would bear such only to a limit. Spending is sweet but being the provider is never an easy thing.

I admire your action op to ask for advice. Some would rather act rashly. I dont know where and how you get to talk to ur husband that the talk enters his mind deeply and he considers whatever you say. You need that means now to make him understand that you both have to have a plan. His getting loan from work and receiving 30k is an instinct in men generally...an instinct of taking financial risk to yield more money or thereabout.

However in a case like this, he needs to tell you what the loans are for, you deserve to know. His unsupportive attitude and disgusting complain abt the food too is unnecessary pride.
Asking for more than one meat is normal..he's d head na..you both agree on marrying each other with d huge income gap so don't go that way...pls give him his meats.

If after talking to him and he doesn't wanna understand, then I bet a third party's intervention would be pertinent...most preferably an elderly pastor he respects not family member yet who can blow out the secret of you earning more than him... God help you ma'am

boma296:
I've been married 4 years. I'm just not happy right now. And I don't know if there are other women in my shoes and how they cope.

I'm 30 and he''s 37. We have two lovely boys. We live in southern part of Nigeria and while I work with a telecoms company, hubby works with the state govt. I earn about 250k and hubby about 70k. I'm ok with this. But hubby has left almost all financial responsibilities to me. I pay rent, feeding and the bulk of kids school fees while he does water board and electricity bills. There's no security in my job so I try to save for the future. Hubby lives above his means , sometimes buys expensive stuff on credit and always claims to have no money. Always taking loan for one thing ot the other from the office and so has been earning only 30k since. So once he pays for water and light bill buys few provisions that's the end of the salary , all other expenses r back to me. I dare not complain or ask him for money cos he will say so with that my big salary I'm still looking at his thats nit available. He blames it on the poor govt pay but I always wonder how family men with housewives earning the govt pay are doing it.

The thing is, is this normal? I'm loosing it. I feel like a single mother just struggling a lot of times. He has never dropped 1 kobo for the children's clothes. Most times I have to augment with okrika for myself n the kids. Meanwhile he has never changed diaper once for the babies. Everything is on me. Most times I feel drained and this man will still complain with disgust that there is not enough Maggi in the soup, I dare not put only 1 piece of meat on his plate.

Is this what marriage is about? Please note that i am very humble and he knows it. Once in a while he will praise me for all the assistance in this economy. But im exhausted. I thot a man is supoosed to add value to me when i marry or is it a curse to earn more as a woman?.I haven't just come to complain I am seeking advise.

Mature women and men pls help

tel him dat due to changes in ur office,dat der has bin salary slash for all staffs.dat u earn half dat pay nw. do as if ur very sad.den tel him u guyz nid to change d way tinz are now.u can now save half and bring out half.

nnamdiokere45:
tel him dat due to changes in ur office,dat der has bin salary slash for all staffs.dat u earn half dat pay nw. do as if ur very sad.den tel him u guyz nid to change d way tinz are now.u can now save half and bring out half.

How long will it take before he finds out the truth from her colleagues at work then he will get worse.

Your husband is a civil servant. He's lucky he has a wife with a reasonable salary.
You know deep within your heart though that his salary cannot live the lifestyle you want.
Can you bear to change your children to cheaper schools?
Can you bear to live in a cheaper apartment/area so as to pay lower rent?
You need to cut your cut according to your size. If you want to save, you can.
Join a cooperative where the money will be removed from the source. You can try saving 50 to 100K from that. I'm not sure you guys do that in your office, but a lot of standard companies have that facility.
Let your husband know your available salary is 150K for the house monthly. Also start saving separately from that every month for your share of payments like school fees, house rent. E.g If you save 50k monthly for school fees, at the end of the 3 monthly "tithe" period, you'll have 150K as your share of school fees.
But the truth is, it doesn't really matter who earns more. You both have a responsibility towards your children, you both should pay rent etc. That's why I said earlier that you may need to tone down your lifestyle in keeping with his 70k salary.
Even if you were the man, its not advisable not to have a savings culture, regardless. So try to save

RadicallyBlunt:

How long will it take before he finds out the truth from her colleagues at work then he will get worse.

If he trys to find out,,,
1,He s nt a gud man
2,he knws wt he's doing
3,definitely, he earns mur dan 70k as he said,...

Becus i see knw man n his ryt senses looking forward by all means to knw hw much dy wife earns n a month........

SonsOfLiverpool:
when a man takes care of the bill 100% there's no problem. when a woman does close to 90% there'll be problem. so much for gender equality nonsense.

on that note, please keep paying the bills but leave out some and get him tensed. like make him understand its not enough. don't push too far with this though.

anyways, I think he is too relaxed because of your pay. talk sense to him or talk to his family for help.

and yes am not married so this advice is based on common sense.

Even a man taking care of 100% of the bills always complains. So don't fault her for complaining. Its not easy to be honest.
Op is still taking care of all the other aspects of running the home, despite being the financial pillar. I can't imagine a man bringing in the money , and still doing the cooking, housework, childcare etc. You can see there's no equality in that either.
Her husband brings in less than 10k ( used for water and electricity bills) monthly. I'm sure even as a bachelor, he didn't use10k as living expenses.
How much more as a family man now with 2 children, and he's comfortable bringing in 10k?
A man earning peanuts compared to his wife should be giving her his whole salary (save for transport and small daily expenses for work), so that she can disburse the money as necessary. That way, there won't be any resentment from her. Rather he's taking out loans on frivolous things, and putting further financial pressure on his wife.
Infact he should be given cane everyday

fergieboy:


You are the head of the family lol

Divorce him asap... Then take care of the kids alone..

Their is no much difference between you and a single mom

she should not take such drastic step

dingbang:
Biko please what can 70k salary achieve in this Nigeria... You are not a supportive wife...

how can you say that I expected better from you the money is not her problem but the fact he's not helping her out

Blade21:
how can you say that I expected better from you the money is not her problem but the fact he's not helping her out

but it was stated there he pays the light and water bills... My brother... 70k is nothing in this time...take it or leave it

SonsOfLiverpool:
when a man takes care of the bill 100% there's no problem. when a woman does close to 90% there'll be problem. so much for gender equality nonsense.

on that note, please keep paying the bills but leave out some and get him tensed. like make him understand its not enough. don't push too far with this though.

anyways, I think he is too relaxed because of your pay. talk sense to him or talk to his family for help.

and yes am not married so this advice is based on common sense.

before I started working my hubby was taking full financial responsibility he always complained at a point I felt really bad bearing financial responsibility alone is not easy both for a man and woman so her complaining is only natural in fact she's a good woman

dingbang:
but it was stated there he pays the light and water bills... My brother... 70k is nothing in this time...take it or leave it

earning 70k is not a problem but his life style is he's too relaxed

Me77:
Op you led him to this, sorry to say. agreeing to carry out those responsibility in the first time without any clear agreement on when to stop has made him so relaxed and forgotten his manly responsibilities as a husband. He now assumed you'll continue this way for as long as you two are together since you already started it he doesn't see the need for you to stop it now.
How you gonna get out of this? Hmm.. Get him to sit down and talk some stern words into his head. Tell him your job has no security as you mentioned, you have to save for the future and can't continue like this! Remind him he's the man and head of the family because he seems to have forgotten. Cut half the spending and stand by your action. Do not fall back no matter how he starts arguing or throwing tantrums. When he sees how serious you are he will sit up and do his work I hope.

It's not like all of this was an agreement but as for the rent and feeding n most other bills we will plan to do it together but when time comes, it's I don't have money o. I was expecting one money it didn't come.So to avoid embarrassment , I pay. Like the food I allow my kids hungry, so I do it

RadicallyBlunt:

How long will it take before he finds out the truth from her colleagues at work then he will get worse.

ahhhh...wetin concern d man with her colleagues na...na wa to u ooo. or do all of dem earn thesame. even if he finds out no problem.

eyinjuege:


Even a man taking care of 100% of the bills always complains. So don't fault her for complaining. Its not easy to be honest.
Op is still taking care of all the other aspects of running the home, despite being the financial pillar. I can't imagine a man bringing in the money , and still doing the cooking, housework, childcare etc. You can see there's no equality in that either.
Her husband brings in less than 10k ( used for water and electricity bills) monthly. I'm sure even as a bachelor, he didn't use10k as living expenses.
How much more as a family man now with 2 children, and he's comfortable bringing in 10k?
A man earning peanuts compared to his wife should be giving her his whole salary (save for transport and small daily expenses for work), so that she can disburse the money as necessary. That way, there won't be any resentment from her. Rather he's taking out loans on frivolous things, and putting further financial pressure on his wife.
Infact he should be given cane everyday

I made that statement to those who were already calling the man useless up there.

nice point though.

Blade21:
before I started working my hubby was taking full financial responsibility he always complained at a point I felt really bad bearing financial responsibility alone is not easy both for a man and woman so her complaining is only natural in fact she's a good woman

yes she's indeed a good woman going by the impression she paints. all that need be done is talk this out and probably pray.

if this should escalate it won't go down well.

munas:
We have seen all that in the situation were wifee earns more than the husband even in my own family

If you dont change thing right now,you will continue like that forever.

You may end up training those kids yourself till university.

The man will not even struggle to earn extra income becos he feels you have money.

You have to sit him down and map out how he can earn extra income to add to what he is earning.

If he is not ready,then i think you should tell him of an impending sack in your office and later non come
up with a story of you been offered a lower salary of say 120k to retain your job and since the economy is
bad,you will still manage the pay cut.

If that goes well,then you have to limit how much you are bringing to the table to say 40k.

Both of you should draw the house budget and you will sample your 40k while he brings the rest.

If he d

No leave union ooo
Biko

PMWSpirit:
It's not bad to earn more than your husband . TBH your husband has only shown us financial recklessness and gross irresponsibility which is very harmful to your future . You might not achieve anything tangible in life and probably end up living below your income negatively.
I don't support you leaving your husband (anti husband no easy to find these days oo, 2 much fuxk boys thinking they are men)
so try this . Tell him you have to take a pay cut BC your company released a memo that it intends to downsize and restructure, and the only reason you are taking the pay cut is to have something doing till you get another job . Peg your salary a bit higher than his . Save a lot for rainy days trust me it's coming and if you are not coming it's gonna be flood. Hopefully he will stop his money stupid actions and man up . And always use sense , these days nobody discloses his or her pay to partner for financial security . Wise up

nnamdiokere45:
tel him dat due to changes in ur office,dat der has bin salary slash for all staffs.dat u earn half dat pay nw. do as if ur very sad.den tel him u guyz nid to change d way tinz are now.u can now save half and bring out half.

Come up with a salary slashed plan

dingbang:
Biko please what can 70k salary achieve in this Nigeria... You are not a supportive wife...

You are not considerate. How much more can one be supportive? Why would the husband take a 40k loan off his 70k salary. This is selfish of him. He already assumes his wife will chest all the home expenses. He shouldn't live above his income, that is a recipe for disrespect. I assure you, the wife won't continue like this for another 3 years. The hate, burden and frustration has started building up

SonsOfLiverpool:
when a man takes care of the bill 100% there's no problem. when a woman does close to 90% there'll be problem. so much for gender equality nonsense.

on that note, please keep paying the bills but leave out some and get him tensed. like make him understand its not enough. don't push too far with this though.

anyways, I think he is too relaxed because of your pay. talk sense to him or talk to his family for help.

and yes am not married so this advice is based on common sense.

I am going to disagree with your first sentence. When a man pays most of the bills, they act like God. They are control freaks and demand every form of loyalty and respect from their partner. Often, the women are very will to yield to him. Men are sorta wicked!

When it is a woman turn to pay all the bills, the man still wanna call the shot, do little or nothing to help and still hope to get all the respects men providers get. Nay... you can't have it both way bro. Men are very inconsiderate. I have looked into this as a research.

Idonki:




If he trys to find out,,,
1,He s nt a gud man
2,he knws wt he's doing
3,definitely, he earns mur dan 70k as he said,...

Becus i see knw man n his ryt senses looking forward by all means to knw hw much dy wife earns n a month........

Many men do. Especially in this case when the man is already arrogant after knowing her salary scale..he'll want to know more

Mayflowa:



I am going to disagree with your first sentence. When a man pays most of the bills, they act like God. They are control freaks and demand every form of loyalty and respect from their partner. Often, the women are very will to yield to him. Men are sorta wicked!

When it is a woman turn to pay all the bills, the man still wanna call the shot, do little or nothing to help and still hope to get all the respects men providers get. Nay... you can't have it both way bro. Men are very inconsiderate. I have looked into this as a research.

in every society even the family structure yes there must always be a god. but remember even God has Jesus and the holy spirit as allies.

society and nature has given the man the roll of the god. and any proposition that deviates from this is seen as a taboo. money or no money.

there are good people. there are bad people. men or women