₦airaland Forum

Stay on your lane. You will live longer.

byvan03:
Maintaining your lane will save you a lot of heart ache.

Exactly

sisisioge:
OP, it is good to stay in your lane. However, try not to be too obvious about it. Going about with the mentality that it's you and your hubby alone is a 100% wrong. Don't alienate yourself, you are not only married to your bobo, you are married to the family as well. Be friendly, candid and respect yourself. May God grant you peace in your marriage.

Amen. Thanks

yvelchstores:
There is a long rope btwn as such: husband family--------------------------------------- hubby and I--------------------------------------------------my family. This Is how we both want it. Any one that doesn't like it, sorry.

Lol

Jahblessme:
@ikechizoba
This is what you get when you buy into the husband family/ in-law worship naija women are fed daily.

This is what you get when you bend over backwards and carry husband family for head like gala and denigrating your own family to back row just to gain acceptance.

How long have you known your SIL/MIL that you exposed secrets that you have been unable to tell your own family?
You had a CS and so what? Is it something to be ashamed of? And so even if you are hiding is it your own mother you should hide it from?

If a bullet comes who will take it for you your own family or your in-laws.
Someone can be like a mother but should not replace yours,someone can be like a sister but cannot replace yours.

I'm glad you have seen with your own eyes that when push comes to shove you are nothing and will be sacrificed for personal gain as the bond isn't deep.The kind of loyalty you are giving husband family what have they done to earn it?How on earth did you think SIL would have your back? How long has she known you?

I spend 4-5 months with parents in law at my home at a go and we get along very well however I know if push comes to na me them go throw to wolves first and I expect that as their son comes first.I accord everyone their own respect but I'm firmly sticking to my lane,building an inheritance for my kids and planning cruises for hubby and I.No time for uneccesary familiarity.

My own life
Husband family----------------------------------------------------------me------my family.

Husband family------------------husband------------------------------------my family.


Remember friendships take time to develop,take your time get to know them and if they earn your trust give it but if you run in expecting loyalty and love from nowhere you will be bitterly disappointed.

Exactly she made a mistake by not hiding her secrets. Thank God she learnt her lesson and it was not something more than that.

poshestmina:
Lessons learnt!

I have 6 SIL(my husband has 6 brothers and they are all married) 3 stay in the same city, very close to each other , never been close to any but their kids are always in my house especially on weekends.

They called me once and said they wanted to start monthly contribution ,blah blah...i didn't even allow them finish talking before I carried my bag,that's how they know when you have received your salary or when you are broke and start monitoring someone!


My house is not a mansion but it is VERY comfortable for me before they start using me for their salon gist only thing is I love their kids and have hubby bring them home some weekends and my MIL is super cool but she knows her boundary.

Lol

HomeTutor1:
This is indeed an eyes opener for all intending wives to be. My Fiance has once told me about "staying on my lane", He even said I am nt meant to attend every of the family occassions except the one he'l be attending but I was like " Why wont I be relating with your family, are you hiding me frm your family and bla bla", But from what I have read so far,It is very compulsory for me to stay on my lane , I'l just be nice and friendly to all of them. Shikena!

Yes o it will help you alot.

tinutunde:
God bless you OP for raising this topic,i stay very close to my In laws and I must confess that staying in my own Lane has really helped me.MIL and SILs are very domineering such that I almost became a doormat when I first got married,my husband noticed it and warned me not to be too familiar with any of them and ever since I started being assertive,them don know their level.one of my co wife was doing paddy paddy with one of my SIL when I was newly married,that one was seriously beefing me cos she had the backing SIL and at that time she was the "favorite" but today they are not in talking terms,so I guess it's better to just stay In your lane,everyone deserves to be respected.. Respect me as a wife and I respect you as Mil or Sil

You see what I'm talking about. I hate such scenario that is why I'm avoiding it.

advice finish!!!
Fine woman how are you and yours
chai i have missed nairalanding

edwife:
Stay on your lane. You will live longer.

You need to STAY in your lane in life ALWAYS, not just in marriage.

Always keep a safe distance between you and EVERYONE, including YOUR HUSBAND.

Stay focused on your goals in and out of marriage.

Your friends , your siblings your support network it's not that difficult. Why sweat the small stuff? Don't be in anyone's lane period

.

Married peoples thread! ....

Make i waka comot...where's the door?

It is better... you have lesser problems.

@belladsweet
Be yourself at all times.
Don let anyone influence u negatively. Watch ur words too.
Be more of a listener. God help n give u wisdom in relating with everyone.
Also don't forget to pray.
(prayer works no matter how long it takes)

This is exactly what I ve been doing cos I don't even know how to fight with someone verbally. Operation mind my business and when we see, I greet and pay my respects and it ends there.

my dear, you are doing the right thing o. keep your business to yourself and stay respectful to everyone of dem, some will even try to win u over to their side but b very smart

so all those MIL and SIL dy wicked like dz. chai

ikechizoba:
-continuation...
So because l was so open to my husband's family,they interfere in my affair a lot.Immediately my SIL,she asked me who made my hair for me(she already knows,just wanted to hear it from me),l told her.She started making mockery of it,anyone one that walks into my MILs shop,she will tell that person " look at the hair a friend made for me for so so amt,that her own friends can never charge her not to talk of this simple hair style" she told husband, her own sister in law,friends,in short everyone, all through my period of carrying that hair,l no rest,l started seeing things from her POV. l was compelled to confront my friend,that was my mistake,l should kept quiet as usual, and she reacted,and stopped calling or picking my calls ,l gave up too.
After a month,my friend called me,saying that l didn't care about her,l laughed cos that was her way of saying am sorry.l accepted back her friendship.l told my SIL about it,then she told me that my friend is not genuine, that my friend waited till when her next bank business will commence (its a 3months interval business) before she stylishly called back,so that l can take her back to my husband's friends to do the business for her again.l told my SIL that its a lie..she said l should watch and see.
so the next day,l travelled to see my parents,while I was there,this my friend had gone behind my back to engage my husband and his brothers into the business because she knows my husbands shop and his brothers (that's me,l was so so open to all),my husband called me and told me about it,so l waited to call her,and fortunately she called,and asked me about my family while avoiding talking about the biz,until she asked me for my sil's no...l got angry and asked if her reason for coming back as a friend to me,after ignoring me for a month,was because of her bank biz' instead of answering my questions, she started abusing me,and said that from that day onward,l should stay on my lane that she is done with the friendship, my sister,can you imagine?. she immediately went to by brother in law and collected his sister's number from him. Her main concern is her biz,my SIL was right.
So l lmmidiately called my SIL and told her everything, l told her not to do the business with my friend again since she doesn't want to have anything to do with my family,and she was like " shebi l told you'"
Then l came back from my trip,l noticed that my sil started avoiding me,when l finally met her,l asked her if my friend came to her for the business, she said yes,l asked her ,"so what did you do" she said that she did the business for her,that l should just forget everything that happened, that she didn't know how to tell my friend that she can't do it" l was so shocked and disappointed, this was the same person,that started this fire,she never liked my friend, she has said a lot of evil things against and couldn't stand for me,her family? what was hard there?..in short l was humbled.l cried that day no be small,she just reduced me to nothing before my friend,she sold me out for kobo. That was the beginning of a crack in our relationship. she never apologized,l found a way in my heart to forgive her,but things bacame shaky BTW us.
Early this year,another of my friend l introduced to my course mate, meet me at the market and told me a lot that I didn't know. she told me how my friend and SIL run things together, how my friend came to her and told her that l was quarrelling with my SIL because of her,that my sil told her how l almost discouraged her(sil) from doing biz with my friend, how the two rubbished my name, they have been going round town behind my back.. l became weak,l had to call my mum and tell her cause l couldn't bear it,l was losing it ...it took the grace of God cos l was pregnant that period...l cut off my relationship with her,l stopped visiting my mils place cos my sil goes there with her children after work everyday,before then I told my husband, and he called her cos she came to my house swearing that she didn't do anything.... lies lies...up till now,she has not apologize, she's been avoiding my family,and its better for me that way..the story looooooong,but let me just stop here,l hope you grabbed one or two things here.l wished l did like my co wife did by staying away and asssociating when necessary,they called her a bad woman but l think, she is a wise woman and l was so so foolish. story loooong

Hmmmm..u really tried for not allowing the issue escalate beyond the way it ended...thanks for the candid advise

belladsweet:
^ Jesus I learnt a lot frm ur story. That ur SiL can kill o. That ur co wife on her lane is wise my dear she get sense. She must have seen it from afar. Let them call her names if they like she knows wat she is doing.

My own mum is late but after my Trad wedding, the woman that stood as my mum told me never to allow most of my in-laws especially the wives know my secret and how I run my home. That was the only advice she kept telling me which I held on to till today. I will never forget that advice. She said I should not allow any of them penetrate my home that I should treat them all with love, respect etc but not allow penetration. That advice weak me till today. May God help us all o.

that woman really filled the gap of a mother in your life. the ball is in your court.

My dear Sister, you have said it all. I had similar experience too and I learnt the hard way. So everyone dey do to your tent o isreal. Wen we all meet we try to relate n no more personal stuffs..

ikechizoba:
my dear, take this idea...l made a mistake,being too friendly, familiar and open to my husband's family,they were too deep into my marriage, they know everything, l thought l was being a good wife until my sister in-law betrayed me,it was a big blow am yet to recover from, its been a year since but the scare is still there,its been God,if not l for done run since cause the backstabbing was three much for me to carry,so my sister,no over do

edwife:
Stay on your lane. You will live longer.

what is d meaning of ur name?

Women should learn to keep some things to themselves. Thr only info you should divulge is that one that may cause kasala if things get out of control like if their son(your husband has some health issues, loses his job, spends too much on gambling or drinking is depressed and sucidal, beats you etc ) because if you wait till its too late they may turn around and blame you for the result.
If the matter does not risk your standing with his family, keep it to yourself. Be available to assist them if you can but dont cut your nose to please them.
Just respect yourself and make sure they know that you do not fancy talking behind peoples back. That way with time they will know that you will not talk about them too. Staying on your lane doesnt mean you should avoid contact with them.

belladsweet:
Hello all have something that have been bothering me. I am married to a family where betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice etc is the order of the day especially among the wives. Though they are all peace loving people but pretend a lot which I have noticed...but I try as much as possible to avoid issues, unecessary attachment etc hence I'm only friend to my husband people have adviced me in the past that when I have issues with hubby later I won't be able 2 confide to d sibling or any of his family but I don't even see myself involving a 3rd party or his family members in the first place.

I only join them to celebrate and do the necessary family things when needed etc pls married women and men should advice hope I'm not wrong with this my method? I am only being careful cos I know how some peoples husband family have ruined a woman's marriage to her husband.

Pls don't just read and pass advice. Thanks

Pls I need advice on this thanks.

My dear, am also newly married too and hv the same issue, I think it's best u respect them but stay ur lane, my only friend is my hubby

ikechizoba:
-continuation...
So because l was so open to my husband's family,they interfere in my affair a lot.Immediately my SIL,she asked me who made my hair for me(she already knows,just wanted to hear it from me),l told her.She started making mockery of it,anyone one that walks into my MILs shop,she will tell that person " look at the hair a friend made for me for so so amt,that her own friends can never charge her not to talk of this simple hair style" she told husband, her own sister in law,friends,in short everyone, all through my period of carrying that hair,l no rest,l started seeing things from her POV. l was compelled to confront my friend,that was my mistake,l should kept quiet as usual, and she reacted,and stopped calling or picking my calls ,l gave up too.
After a month,my friend called me,saying that l didn't care about her,l laughed cos that was her way of saying am sorry.l accepted back her friendship.l told my SIL about it,then she told me that my friend is not genuine, that my friend waited till when her next bank business will commence (its a 3months interval business) before she stylishly called back,so that l can take her back to my husband's friends to do the business for her again.l told my SIL that its a lie..she said l should watch and see.
so the next day,l travelled to see my parents,while I was there,this my friend had gone behind my back to engage my husband and his brothers into the business because she knows my husbands shop and his brothers (that's me,l was so so open to all),my husband called me and told me about it,so l waited to call her,and fortunately she called,and asked me about my family while avoiding talking about the biz,until she asked me for my sil's no...l got angry and asked if her reason for coming back as a friend to me,after ignoring me for a month,was because of her bank biz' instead of answering my questions, she started abusing me,and said that from that day onward,l should stay on my lane that she is done with the friendship, my sister,can you imagine?. she immediately went to by brother in law and collected his sister's number from him. Her main concern is her biz,my SIL was right.
So l lmmidiately called my SIL and told her everything, l told her not to do the business with my friend again since she doesn't want to have anything to do with my family,and she was like " shebi l told you'"
Then l came back from my trip,l noticed that my sil started avoiding me,when l finally met her,l asked her if my friend came to her for the business, she said yes,l asked her ,"so what did you do" she said that she did the business for her,that l should just forget everything that happened, that she didn't know how to tell my friend that she can't do it" l was so shocked and disappointed, this was the same person,that started this fire,she never liked my friend, she has said a lot of evil things against and couldn't stand for me,her family? what was hard there?..in short l was humbled.l cried that day no be small,she just reduced me to nothing before my friend,she sold me out for kobo. That was the beginning of a crack in our relationship. she never apologized,l found a way in my heart to forgive her,but things bacame shaky BTW us.
Early this year,another of my friend l introduced to my course mate, meet me at the market and told me a lot that I didn't know. she told me how my friend and SIL run things together, how my friend came to her and told her that l was quarrelling with my SIL because of her,that my sil told her how l almost discouraged her(sil) from doing biz with my friend, how the two rubbished my name, they have been going round town behind my back.. l became weak,l had to call my mum and tell her cause l couldn't bear it,l was losing it ...it took the grace of God cos l was pregnant that period...l cut off my relationship with her,l stopped visiting my mils place cos my sil goes there with her children after work everyday,before then I told my husband, and he called her cos she came to my house swearing that she didn't do anything.... lies lies...up till now,she has not apologize, she's been avoiding my family,and its better for me that way..the story looooooong,but let me just stop here,l hope you grabbed one or two things here.l wished l did like my co wife did by staying away and asssociating when necessary,they called her a bad woman but l think, she is a wise woman and l was so so foolish. story loooong

madam, your story long o, but I grabbed.
It is always better to talk less, visit less and even not get tempted to join any gossip where the women are talking about someone in the family, as the tide may turn around to your case.

Sometimes eye service is good, just don't distance yourself too much unless you stay far away, even at that, try to call once in a while.

Not yet married though.... but this post has been very enlightening....

Still searching for miss right...

It is one of the most important balancing acts a wife has to master.

It is easier marrying into some families than others. It depends on the set up.

Your husband knows his family best. Although he might be very positively biased towards him mum.

As a new wife be very observant, watch how your hubby relates with different family members. That will give you a rough idea. Of course rarely your hubby can be the "I don't care" type who finds everybody to be nice.
With time you will learn things on your own.

Decide how you want to relate and be consistent. Do not pretend to be too nice in a way you cannot sustain.
Whatever you do, do not be aloof, distant, unwelcoming, frowning, openly trying to over-ride your hubby, disrespectful or resentful. Keep your observations to yourself.

Some will want to test the waters early on. Politely but firmly demarcate the boundary.

For the most part you are the stranger, an intruder even in some cases. Their son/brother can virtually do no wrong. If he's not into anything that could cause a considerable jeopardy, taking your marital issues to his family is a no-no. Maintain peace in your home. It is yours to build.

Towerofgrace:
I don't see anything wrong with how you are handling your relationship with your inlaws oo, so far hubby is clear about it and in support. For me my hubby clearly stated he does not want any illegal parapo (association) with my inlaws (his family), so i maintain a "cordial relationship" that's it, no room for over familiarity

Some people don't understand boundaries between them and a couple, which is why it is better to deal with people from afar especially within the confines of marriage, before they would pour sand-sand inside your market.

It is said to be a cliche if you say your husband is your friend, but my dear i don't have any friend i am close to like my hubby, time won't even permit all those friend-friend things when you are trying to build a family, and it has never failed me ever.

From your description being friends with your inlaws sef means you will become a part of the betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice campaign group, which is never a good recipe in a home.

Biko just hold you side jare, don't mind all those people saying you won't have anyone to confide in when the time comes, who says you will need anyone to be the judge between you and hubby or your family affairs? i pray that you will never need any external party (inlaws, your family, friends, well-wishers & non well-wishers etc) to get involved in the business of your home, things will never degenerate in your home that you and your hubby won't be able to handle it.

I love dis line, I respect your mindset, nice one may God honor u.

belladsweet:
Hello all have something that have been bothering me. I am married to a family where betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice etc is the order of the day especially among the wives. Though they are all peace loving people but pretend a lot which I have noticed...but I try as much as possible to avoid issues, unecessary attachment etc hence I'm only friend to my husband people have adviced me in the past that when I have issues with hubby later I won't be able 2 confide to d sibling or any of his family but I don't even see myself involving a 3rd party or his family members in the first place.

I only join them to celebrate and do the necessary family things when needed etc pls married women and men should advice hope I'm not wrong with this my method? I am only being careful cos I know how some peoples husband family have ruined a woman's marriage to her husband.

Pls don't just read and pass advice. Thanks

Pls I need advice on this thanks.

you should also know that if you keep to yourself they will have the impression that you feel too important to mingle and if you mingle again it creates an avenue for tongue wagging and lots of other unnecessary things. So you have to find the soft ground! Never take sides in any argument, the only 3rd party I think you will ever need in a relationship is your husbands mother not even your own and the only third party he will need is your own mother ( I stand to be corrected)

ikechizoba:
-continuation...

I am a guy and may not have much to say here. sorry for your sad experience but thats life for you. I like you have a fault of seeing people for their good only but lately i have learnt to discern one sided friendship/rships and take people on a per second billing. Humans could be real ugly atimes and regardless of the mean things they do, they always find a way to convince themselves that they are nice people.

Train your mind to see no surprises, to understand their betrayals and their character flaws, it would make you forgive easily but do not give them the chance of repeating it. If she tries to make ammends, allow her but learn to relate with her only on a need to basis except she goes the extra mile to earn your trust and convinces you she has changed/is sorry(people rarely are).

These days my formular is keep the peace with everyone. if you need my help, i give it but that doesnt mean you are dear to me or that I trust you could do the same for me. I could occassionally check up on you for just its sake too. what indicates one is dear to me, is how vulnerable i let myself be around them and I am extremely careful to assess them.

summary is expect anything from anyone, but dont be paranoid and still show everyone love regardless of how they treat you.