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Stats: 2,446,193 members, 5,509,711 topics. Date: Saturday, 04 April 2020 at 04:17 PM
|Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 3:23pm On Jun 22, 2017|
Hello all have something that have been bothering me. I am married to a family where betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice etc is the order of the day especially among the wives. Though they are all peace loving people but pretend a lot which I have noticed...but I try as much as possible to avoid issues, unecessary attachment etc hence I'm only friend to my husband people have adviced me in the past that when I have issues with hubby later I won't be able 2 confide to d sibling or any of his family but I don't even see myself involving a 3rd party or his family members in the first place.
I only join them to celebrate and do the necessary family things when needed etc pls married women and men should advice hope I'm not wrong with this my method? I am only being careful cos I know how some peoples husband family have ruined a woman's marriage to her husband.
Pls don't just read and pass advice. Thanks
Pls I need advice on this thanks.
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Afonjashapmouth: 3:29pm On Jun 22, 2017|
No matter what dont form over familiarity, just respect them and pay your eye service. tongue wagging puts alot of people into problems
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 3:33pm On Jun 22, 2017|
Afonjashapmouth:Thanks for ur advice I'm just being very careful
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Raincolour(f): 4:25pm On Jun 22, 2017|
Just be yourself but be nice, friendly and welcoming. No need for over sabi or over familiarity. Follow ur Hubby's cue. You can even ask him if he minds you being in close contact with so so and so. For me, hubby doesn't mind me being close with his immediate family members but has asked me to limit contact with his extended family members. His reason is that he doesn't want them knowing too much about us through me as he feels women are more vulnerable. Na so I respect myself. lolz.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Towerofgrace: 4:41pm On Jun 22, 2017|
I don't see anything wrong with how you are handling your relationship with your inlaws oo, so far hubby is clear about it and in support. For me my hubby clearly stated he does not want any illegal parapo (association) with my inlaws (his family), so i maintain a "cordial relationship" that's it, no room for over familiarity
Some people don't understand boundaries between them and a couple, which is why it is better to deal with people from afar especially within the confines of marriage, before they would pour sand-sand inside your market.
It is said to be a cliche if you say your husband is your friend, but my dear i don't have any friend i am close to like my hubby, time won't even permit all those friend-friend things when you are trying to build a family, and it has never failed me ever.
From your description being friends with your inlaws sef means you will become a part of the betrayal of trust, gossip, eyeservice campaign group, which is never a good recipe in a home.
Biko just hold you side jare, don't mind all those people saying you won't have anyone to confide in when the time comes, who says you will need anyone to be the judge between you and hubby or your family affairs? i pray that you will never need any external party (inlaws, your family, friends, well-wishers & non well-wishers etc) to get involved in the business of your home, things will never degenerate in your home that you and your hubby won't be able to handle it.
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 4:52pm On Jun 22, 2017|
my dear, take this idea...l made a mistake,being too friendly, familiar and open to my husband's family,they were too deep into my marriage, they know everything, l thought l was being a good wife until my sister in-law betrayed me,it was a big blow am yet to recover from, its been a year since but the scare is still there,its been God,if not l for done run since cause the backstabbing was three much for me to carry,so my sister,no over do
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 4:54pm On Jun 22, 2017|
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 4:54pm On Jun 22, 2017|
[quote author=ikechizoba post=57756575][/quote]
sis,you are so right,l am a victim
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by AlphaHandMaiden(f): 5:08pm On Jun 22, 2017|
Well continue as you have started. Just because you keep to yourself does not mean disrespect or ill-will to any party. Be friendly, polite and respectful but also not over-familiar or be a pushover.
Do not start eye- service or arse-kissing that you cannot continue. Do not join them in any gossip session, let it not be that it is what you said about x y or z that will be tabled at a family meeting or gossip session that you are not present.
Extended families can be a mine-field to navigate and as long as you and your husband are on the same page they you are fine. It also helps if he is also discerning of their characters as you have been, and he also trusts you so that if anyone comes to report that you did a or b, he will defend you because he knows your character and what you are capable of and also know if the reporter is subject to garnishing the narration of events..
You do not need to divulge all your initmate secrets on a regular basis to his siblings or other members of the family for them to intervene if a situation that needs external intervention arises. Any self respecting person who has both your happiness at heart should not hold it against you if you are in need.
Otherwise take any escalating issues to an external independent and professional marriage counsellor. (Not church oh... but that is topic for another day) abi person who be orphan with no siblings no dey marry? Or is their marriage any more likely to fail because they do not have extended family members
As you have seen the eye-service, use wisdom to keep them at arms length. If you are not living in an extended compound, you do not need to deal with them on a regular basis.
Thsi is My own take as i am married into a polygamus family and although many people get along (plenty na eye-service too), there are plenty undercurrents and politics of epic proportions you wouldnt believe.
I follow my husbands lead, because he has lived with them longer than i have and is quite discerning on characters.
Na who e dey call uncle/Sister i dey call uncle / Sister.
Who he kneel down greet,; i do the same.
Who he says hi to or keeps his distance..... i do the same
(Note: he is not much older than me this is why this works oh. If you guy is like 15 years your senior abeg kneee down greet everybody as brother or sister )
I am quite close to his imediate siblings but they are very considerate and sensible so i have not had any issues.
I hug, smile to and respect everyone equally, maintain my boundaries and form aje-butter- salt-no-melting-for-mouth for the rest of the extended family. They will even yab me about it and i go follow them laugh!
At the end of the day my issues is between me and the man i married all the rest na un-neccesary jara!
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 9:08am On Jun 23, 2017|
Raincolour:Thanks for d advice
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 9:10am On Jun 23, 2017|
ikechizoba:Really? Pls could u mind sharing what happend? Would like to learn from u I'm sure others want to. Thanks... and whatever it is, Pls forgive her but neva forget what it thought u and b careful with her too.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 9:12am On Jun 23, 2017|
AlphaHandMaiden:lool thanks. My hubby is 8years older though. Pls what is no salt for mouth? U are funny though lol. Thanks will follow ur advice sha...
The divulge of secret thing is the most important thing o it makes home, women and marriages vulnerable @d end, they will use it against d woman. Hmnn so much for being a woman and being married.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 10:14am On Jun 23, 2017|
My sister..l easily forgive o but this one was only possible because of the grace of God,you know what it means to be betrayed by someone you love and trust so much,someone you can tell things that you can't tell your mum or siblings, l have fault in lovng someone, l can go any length to defend that person cos l only see the good in that person,l hardly pick faults.
l came into the family, very lovely people,caring and helpful.Its a family of 6,4males and 2females.4 are married and they live in the same city they grew up in, except the 1st son and family,before than,am an introvert, l enjoy my privacy a lot,but when I came into this family,cos of their warm nature,l became open to them,esp with the 1st daughter, she is also married, we became so close, my home,my marriage became so open to her,we did things for each other ,l loved her so much,but then ,there was something I noticed about them,esp my mother in law and sisters in law,they talk way too much,whatever l discuss with them,does not stay with them,when l had my baby through cs,everybody in our area,even close relations know about it, this is something that neither of my own family members know about except my mom,till date.l have stylishly talked to my MIL about it,cos my husband urged me to,he even warned me to limit my visit to my Mil's house and the things l tell her,but the woman is like a mother to me,she feels lonely and complains of being neglected by her children. That brings me to the second thing l noticed about them,my husband is the 3rd son,the 2nd sons wife isolated herself from the family,l don't know her reasons sha,,but my mil and sil always complain bitterly about her,how she doesn't visit my mil,how she doesn't regards her and makes her son(her husband)to neglect her,but we get along with each other,so l didn't join them in their gossip group...
Now,the main story begins...........
my married coursemate lives in the same city with me,she was there before me,we became friends, she always take me around,and invites me to her place she was a good friend or so l thought.l introduced her to my husband's family,she knows all of them, she opened a salon,was happy for her,l patronised her while I was into sowing,its a family thing,my sister makes clothes for her,because l was yet to start up mine since l came into the town newly.
So May last year,she started this business with the bank,she will collect your account and voters card,go to bank,pay in a certain amt of money into your account,then from your account, the bank will transfer that amt to someone residing outside the country,although she came into the town before me but l know places and people more than her because of my husband's influence. it wasn't easy finding willingly and honest people to do the business with,l introduced her to many of my husband's friends,they did it for her because of us,then l went ahead and brought in my SIL to join the train,and she did.
My SIL before then,always tell me that my friend is not a friend in deed,that she uses me a lot, which is true,but like l said,l love to a fault,l liked her so much that l find no fault in her.my husband also said the same thing but l chose not to see it.She makes my hair for me which l pay for,most times she overcharge me,and l pay,just to later find out that l was overcharged, it didn't change anything until the day she made a very simple all back braids for me,l payed her.
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 11:18am On Jun 23, 2017|
So because l was so open to my husband's family,they interfere in my affair a lot.Immediately my SIL,she asked me who made my hair for me(she already knows,just wanted to hear it from me),l told her.She started making mockery of it,anyone one that walks into my MILs shop,she will tell that person " look at the hair a friend made for me for so so amt,that her own friends can never charge her not to talk of this simple hair style" she told husband, her own sister in law,friends,in short everyone, all through my period of carrying that hair,l no rest,l started seeing things from her POV. l was compelled to confront my friend,that was my mistake,l should kept quiet as usual, and she reacted,and stopped calling or picking my calls ,l gave up too.
After a month,my friend called me,saying that l didn't care about her,l laughed cos that was her way of saying am sorry.l accepted back her friendship.l told my SIL about it,then she told me that my friend is not genuine, that my friend waited till when her next bank business will commence (its a 3months interval business) before she stylishly called back,so that l can take her back to my husband's friends to do the business for her again.l told my SIL that its a lie..she said l should watch and see.
so the next day,l travelled to see my parents,while I was there,this my friend had gone behind my back to engage my husband and his brothers into the business because she knows my husbands shop and his brothers (that's me,l was so so open to all),my husband called me and told me about it,so l waited to call her,and fortunately she called,and asked me about my family while avoiding talking about the biz,until she asked me for my sil's no...l got angry and asked if her reason for coming back as a friend to me,after ignoring me for a month,was because of her bank biz' instead of answering my questions, she started abusing me,and said that from that day onward,l should stay on my lane that she is done with the friendship, my sister,can you imagine?. she immediately went to by brother in law and collected his sister's number from him. Her main concern is her biz,my SIL was right.
So l lmmidiately called my SIL and told her everything, l told her not to do the business with my friend again since she doesn't want to have anything to do with my family,and she was like " shebi l told you'"
Then l came back from my trip,l noticed that my sil started avoiding me,when l finally met her,l asked her if my friend came to her for the business, she said yes,l asked her ,"so what did you do" she said that she did the business for her,that l should just forget everything that happened, that she didn't know how to tell my friend that she can't do it" l was so shocked and disappointed, this was the same person,that started this fire,she never liked my friend, she has said a lot of evil things against and couldn't stand for me,her family? what was hard there?..in short l was humbled.l cried that day no be small,she just reduced me to nothing before my friend,she sold me out for kobo. That was the beginning of a crack in our relationship. she never apologized,l found a way in my heart to forgive her,but things bacame shaky BTW us.
Early this year,another of my friend l introduced to my course mate, meet me at the market and told me a lot that I didn't know. she told me how my friend and SIL run things together, how my friend came to her and told her that l was quarrelling with my SIL because of her,that my sil told her how l almost discouraged her(sil) from doing biz with my friend, how the two rubbished my name, they have been going round town behind my back.. l became weak,l had to call my mum and tell her cause l couldn't bear it,l was losing it ...it took the grace of God cos l was pregnant that period...l cut off my relationship with her,l stopped visiting my mils place cos my sil goes there with her children after work everyday,before then I told my husband, and he called her cos she came to my house swearing that she didn't do anything.... lies lies...up till now,she has not apologize, she's been avoiding my family,and its better for me that way..the story looooooong,but let me just stop here,l hope you grabbed one or two things here.l wished l did like my co wife did by staying away and asssociating when necessary,they called her a bad woman but l think, she is a wise woman and l was so so foolish. story loooong
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 12:23pm On Jun 23, 2017|
^ Jesus I learnt a lot frm ur story. That ur SiL can kill o. That ur co wife on her lane is wise my dear she get sense. She must have seen it from afar. Let them call her names if they like she knows wat she is doing.
My own mum is late but after my Trad wedding, the woman that stood as my mum told me never to allow most of my in-laws especially the wives know my secret and how I run my home. That was the only advice she kept telling me which I held on to till today. I will never forget that advice. She said I should not allow any of them penetrate my home that I should treat them all with love, respect etc but not allow penetration. That advice weak me till today. May God help us all o.
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by AlphaHandMaiden(f): 12:39pm On Jun 23, 2017|
Very wise words and it is also true for your own family members as well as friends. just because you share blood does not mean that you should share all your internal marital gists as well. this is especially so if your siblings too have issues with your husband, nip any disrespect in the Bud no matter if they are older than the man. Na the eye wey you take carry your house go outside na im people go take look am!
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 12:51pm On Jun 23, 2017|
AlphaHandMaiden:Mehn this is also true o. Some Ladies family also contribute to the failure of her marriage. Even women that go back home to gist their family what her husband did to her etc are not helping matters. It is not also good to expose our husbands to our ppl to the extent disrespect start setting in etc.
Thank you so much for the advice
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by TR1212: 1:49pm On Jun 23, 2017|
Hehehheeh, wahala dey o. My sister, this is Nigeria, Africa. Time shall come when you will need those family members. If might not necessarily be to settle issues in your home because we dont pray for such and like you said, you dont even intend involving a third party.
However, for the sake of other inter relational activities that might occur now and then in the extended family or community, I suggest you try and be in their good books. Keep up with the eye service Biko. Laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, but NEVER indulge them when it comes to private issues, whether yours, theirs or others. And like someone said, follow your husband's cue, they're his people, but wisely too.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by blank(f): 3:15pm On Jun 23, 2017|
I have learnt a lot. My husband has been hinting me to be careful. I will have to adjust.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by byvan03: 3:23pm On Jun 23, 2017|
The easiest way to have peace is to maintain your lane . Even if you have issues , involving them doesn't ever solve it . Call to know how his parents are every now and then.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by byvan03: 3:28pm On Jun 23, 2017|
Maintaining your lane will save you a lot of heart ache.
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|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by tobianthony(m): 7:38am On Jun 24, 2017|
Although I'm not married but this "staying in your own lane ", kind of caused trouble between myself and the lady I was engaged too in a way .
When we met each other one of the first things I did was to call her mum - as we were childhood friends and had not seen each other in many years . I was overjoyed so I spoke to her mum and told her that her daughter would give her my number and we did the same for my mum too . This single innocent act would spell doom for the relationship .
Her mother and I would speak on the phone all the time . I was very fond of her . She would pray for me all the time . I assumed she spoke to my mum often and knowing my mum she went out of her way to communicate with her ( let's call her F) . My mum does not reside in the country .
Everything was going well until I had an issue with F's mum . Till this day I still believe it was a set up .
She called my phone around past 10 at night ...I saw the call come in but I did not pick up as I was tired and stressed out I just couldn't deal ( mind you I had proposed and was engaged to F and we we're gearing up for our introduction ) with it . I called her in the morning F's mum did not pick up . Called later on she did not pick up.
The next day I called her and she picked up and she asked me why I did this to her ...
I said ," mummy what did I do "
She said ," you gave your phone to your friends to insult me and curse me ,when I called you "
I was lost for words .
She said , " they told me to never call you again and to stop disturbing you " .
I said ," Ma no ...that's not possible perhaps you were connected to someone else's line ..."
She said ," are you calling me a liar " .
I continued to defend myself ...all she kept saying was instead of you to apologise you are arguing with me .
In my mind I knew that if I did such she would own me .
I called later on apologized for arguing with her but still maintained my innocence .
So we ended the conversation . F never believed me .
That was the beginning of the end of that relationship .
I later found out that F only called my mum once and that was to complain about me and F hardly replied her messages on WhatsApp or returned my mum's calls .
When I heard that I couldn't believe it ...I practically said it was lie .
Oh well it was a lesson well learnt .
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by AlphaHandMaiden(f): 9:10am On Jun 24, 2017|
Sorry for what happend bro! But "staying in your own lane" we are saying is not to be rude and start doing me vs them.
It is about maintaining boundaries and keeping to one's private life all done in love.
She could talk, chat and be as a daughter with your mum or other members of your family as long as the gist does not bring disrespect, over familiarity and insults between any of the two parties.
It seems "F" may have sadly had the typical inlaw mentality. And it goes back to what i said they each party in a couple should know what the other is capable of as well as what their own family can do.
If she trusted you and knew what you would and would not do, and also not have blind belief and trust that her mum MUST be right. She would have been able to assess the situation better.
Just because some one is older does not mean they do not tell fibs every now and then or even be schemeing in how they portray the story.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by sisisioge: 9:30am On Jun 24, 2017|
God took care of your impending loom for you...be grateful!
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by sisisioge: 9:35am On Jun 24, 2017|
OP, it is good to stay in your lane. However, try not to be too obvious about it. Going about with the mentality that it's you and your hubby alone is a 100% wrong. Don't alienate yourself, you are not only married to your bobo, you are married to the family as well. Be friendly, candid and respect yourself. May God grant you peace in your marriage.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by yvelchstores(f): 7:03pm On Jun 24, 2017|
There is a long rope btwn as such: husband family--------------------------------------- hubby and I--------------------------------------------------my family. This Is how we both want it. Any one that doesn't like it, sorry.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Jahblessme: 9:14pm On Jun 24, 2017|
This is what you get when you buy into the husband family/ in-law worship naija women are fed daily.
This is what you get when you bend over backwards and carry husband family for head like gala and denigrating your own family to back row just to gain acceptance.
How long have you known your SIL/MIL that you exposed secrets that you have been unable to tell your own family?
You had a CS and so what? Is it something to be ashamed of? And so even if you are hiding is it your own mother you should hide it from?
If a bullet comes who will take it for you your own family or your in-laws.
Someone can be like a mother but should not replace yours,someone can be like a sister but cannot replace yours.
I'm glad you have seen with your own eyes that when push comes to shove you are nothing and will be sacrificed for personal gain as the bond isn't deep.The kind of loyalty you are giving husband family what have they done to earn it?How on earth did you think SIL would have your back? How long has she known you?
I spend 4-5 months with parents in law at my home at a go and we get along very well however I know if push comes to na me them go throw to wolves first and I expect that as their son comes first.I accord everyone their own respect but I'm firmly sticking to my lane,building an inheritance for my kids and planning cruises for hubby and I.No time for uneccesary familiarity.
My own life
Husband family----------------------------------------------------------me------my family.
Husband family------------------husband------------------------------------my family.
Remember friendships take time to develop,take your time get to know them and if they earn your trust give it but if you run in expecting loyalty and love from nowhere you will be bitterly disappointed.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by ikechizoba: 10:21pm On Jun 24, 2017|
my dear,hmmmmm.you don't need to tell me,l have seen it all..the blow was too much but God has been seeing me through,even my mil kept mute throughout that period,l dont blame her,afterall l'm not her daughter,l have learnt my lesson but in a hard way..l thank God its not too late to adjust, no to over loyalty or familiarity, my family 1st
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by poshestmina(f): 2:55pm On Jun 25, 2017|
I have 6 SIL(my husband has 6 brothers and they are all married) 3 stay in the same city, very close to each other , never been close to any but their kids are always in my house especially on weekends.
They called me once and said they wanted to start monthly contribution ,blah blah...i didn't even allow them finish talking before I carried my bag,that's how they know when you have received your salary or when you are broke and start monitoring someone!
My house is not a mansion but it is VERY comfortable for me before they start using me for their salon gist only thing is I love their kids and have hubby bring them home some weekends and my MIL is super cool but she knows her boundary.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by HomeTutor1(f): 3:35pm On Jun 25, 2017|
This is indeed an eyes opener for all intending wives to be. My Fiance has once told me about "staying on my lane", He even said I am nt meant to attend every of the family occassions except the one he'l be attending but I was like " Why wont I be relating with your family, are you hiding me frm your family and bla bla", But from what I have read so far,It is very compulsory for me to stay on my lane , I'l just be nice and friendly to all of them. Shikena!
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by Nobody: 6:51pm On Jun 25, 2017|
See them in a positive light and they will respond accordingly. It is that simple. People will rise or lower to your expectations.
|Re: Is It Wrong To Stay In Your Own Lane When Newly Married? by tinutunde(f): 8:17pm On Jun 25, 2017|
God bless you OP for raising this topic,i stay very close to my In laws and I must confess that staying in my own Lane has really helped me.MIL and SILs are very domineering such that I almost became a doormat when I first got married,my husband noticed it and warned me not to be too familiar with any of them and ever since I started being assertive,them don know their level.one of my co wife was doing paddy paddy with one of my SIL when I was newly married,that one was seriously beefing me cos she had the backing SIL and at that time she was the "favorite" but today they are not in talking terms,so I guess it's better to just stay In your lane,everyone deserves to be respected.. Respect me as a wife and I respect you as Mil or Sil
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