₦airaland Forum

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

Jman06:
Bottom line is, marry from good homes. Homes of learned and morally sound parents. Not the kind of homes where the mother is living separately in one location while the father is living somewhere else. Also avoid the homes of "money-miss-roads" with zero education but bags of money. Those are usually the type of people who don't consider other people beyond how much they have in the bank.
The best thing in life is having both money and wisdom to make unbiased judgements about life generally.

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

HenryCavill:
I understand your point of view and I can tell that you're a very logical person. You see, my comments came not as a result of my interpretation of his story but as a result of his MOTIVES.

This write up, beautiful as it is, is plagued with the writer's inability to come to terms with the fact that his in-laws are on a higher standing financially than he is.

The issues he raised are banal and in my opinion do not warrant his feelings of "batteredness" that pushed him to write this.

He doesn't seem like a very humble person if the mere fact that his in-laws offered to pay his children's fees riled him up. He could have politely declined and not think about slapping his wife.

BabbanBura:
Ladies, stand and hustle with your man, if you must go out to raise help, do not expose him or present him as incapable, let not the help u try to offer rob him of his respect as a man

chocberry:
Smh. do not warrant his feelings of "batteredness" that pushed him to write this.

labanj1:
So you think
1.The Op was proud enough to handle the situation so well.
2. They became involved in his family's business, they decided to do take decisions behind his back or you don't feel he should be involved.
3. His ability to refrain himself (self-control) is still a problem to you.
He managed his family well. He stated where he decided to put his kids in a school where he could afford. Then when things got better he sent gifts and maintained physical presence. Do you want him to go and live with his in-laws to build a better relationship with them?
People have learnt from this but the only thing you can see is his PRIDE and TOXIC relationship with his in-laws. I'm amazed at how you think.

HenryCavill:
Interesting post although it reeks of pride.
1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it.
2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it
3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.

Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.

Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering.
Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.

You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.

I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.

I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"

You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.

I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.

DripDrop:
Is it not the same thing we all read? Please help ask him how the writer felt battered. He came out victorious at the end of the day, and that is obviously what ‘pushed him to write this’. If a husband can pay his own child’s school fees, is it not an insult for another man to want to change the children’s school without him knowing? He has a right to be angry and if na me, I for do worse

LandOwners:
You are 100% right.
No wonder she keeps mounting pressure for registry wedding first before anything.
Thanks for the piece of advice.

happy weekend to u

chocberry:
WOW @ is plagued with the writer's inability to come to terms with the fact that his in-laws are on a higher standing financially than he is.

Proof @ The issues he raised are banal

Speculative @ He doesn't seem like a very humble person if the mere fact that his in-laws offered to pay his children's fees riled him up.

Thinking, now a crime @ He could have politely declined and not think about slapping his wife. How bout applaud for self-control, restrain and thoughtfulness?

Smh @ do not warrant his feelings of "batteredness" that pushed him to write this.

Gungnir:
But either rich or poor, it takes a very understanding woman to walk with you through such circumstances. Women that are not from wealthy background are disrespectful to their men, so it's more about the character than the financial strength of the family.

A humble woman should be sought after irrespective, they make a man's life much easier. There are those who get nasty when money comes so, it's more about character.

TVAofMS:
Gotcha! Sorry, I misread that part. Yes, run with her, not from her. You are a good man. May God help you come out of your finacial woes.

HenryCavill:
Please tell us what you learnt. I'll be happy to read it.
Now my responses to your comments;

1. In my opinion He didn't handle the situation well. All the time this was going on he kept it bottled up and even now his solution to it is to boast of his financial standing. What happens if his finances dwindle tomorrow? A repeat of the same my in-law this my in-law that.

2. They didn't take decisions behind his back. According to his story the wife was the one that did. The in-laws told her to look for a better school, she could have discussed it with her husband first and the matter for die there.

3. It's not his ability to refrain himself that matters but the reason for that refrain. "The state govt"..this simply means if they lived in a place where issues of domestic violence is not on the govt's agenda he for don kill d woman.

The issue of him sending gifts us just a kiss ass way of him saying "look bitcheees I made it". The in-laws are well to do they don't need your recharge card "no matter how small..as he claimed".

In-laws interfere sometimes financially when they have to. You'll be someone's in-law tomorrow. If I they I want a to I use hunger to a kill your daughter, don't send her money you hear. Dey dere make pant dey wear you.

And please tell us what you learned

HenryCavill:
Manners maketh man. Keep thinking till the day he'll actually slap her.

As to whether this I am speculating, have proof or just downright spewing jargon... let's not forget there are 3 sides to every story.

1. Your side
2. My side
3. The truth

jaychubi:
Its more difficult for a woman from a wealthy background. For her using anything less than turkey meat to cook food may be war but fish of 300 naira is okay for an average background lady. I DNT blame the wealthy background ladies to I blame long throat men

dna4ril:
There are times where even danfo drivers transfer passengers from their buses to another one because the bus is bad. But it is usually the decision of the danfo driver and his conductor not the driver of another danfo.
To all the ladies out there please do not join a vehicle that is driven by a driver you do not trust and for guys don't take a drivers-mate that have no confidence in your driving at least for the sake of your passengers please don't. If you have passengers already you must ensure that they get to their destination safe and sound, please don't leave your passengers stranded. They will not forgive you.

HenryCavill:
Manners maketh man. Keep thinking till the day he'll actually slap her.

As to whether this I am speculating, have proof or just downright spewing jargon... let's not forget there are 3 sides to every story.

1. Your side
2. My side
3. The truth

Mindfulness:
Another insecure man thread.

oshaosha2014:
God may be blessing you because of them. I am quite sure you are rich. God bless you more.

chocberry:
Wow @ Interesting post although it reeks of pride.


Prove it @ Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it.

[b]They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly
I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home

Prove it @ When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it


And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.




Sinless one @ comment @ I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.

Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.


Not the scenario @ Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering.

My opinion, and it has nothing to do with my comments about the motive behind his write up. Notice I said "someone" and did not directly specify he'll call them wicked


Alphabet " I ", hence, posturing, vain projections and subjectiveness @ I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either.


Phew @ You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.


Is such the scenario here @ This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative

If you cannot discren it yourself from the write-upthen I won't even bother pointing it out


Unbalanced is the condtion @
You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.

If your daughter suffers violence from her husband, will you leave her there to rot?. He has thought about it next time, he just might act upon it


Flawed and false @ I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.


I don't comment on the forum, but you were too much to be ignored.

Thank you for noticing. I'm glad I got your attention


100% flawed interpretation, reduce/stop aspersions[/b]

HenryCavill:
There you have it

HenryCavill:
Please tell us what you learnt. I'll be happy to read it.
Now my responses to your comments;

1. In my opinion He didn't handle the situation well. All the time this was going on he kept it bottled up and even now his solution to it is to boast of his financial standing. What happens if his finances dwindle tomorrow? A repeat of the same my in-law this my in-law that.

2. They didn't take decisions behind his back. According to his story the wife was the one that did. The in-laws told her to look for a better school, she could have discussed it with her husband first and the matter for die there.

3. It's not his ability to refrain himself that matters but the reason for that refrain. "The state govt"..this simply means if they lived in a place where issues of domestic violence is not on the govt's agenda he for don kill d woman.

The issue of him sending gifts us just a kiss ass way of him saying "look bitcheees I made it". The in-laws are well to do they don't need your recharge card "no matter how small..as he claimed".

In-laws interfere sometimes financially when they have to. You'll be someone's in-law tomorrow. If I they I want a to I use hunger to a kill your daughter, don't send her money you hear. Dey dere make pant dey wear you.

And please tell us what you learned

chocberry:
Over rationalization doesn't cut it. Are you married at all? Sticking in associations/partnerships with excessive analytical ish doesn't work.

HenryCavill:
No, I am not married. However, I believe we were given our minds for us to be rational. If we lose our rationality it's as good as losing our minds

labanj1:
You say he didn't handle the situation well but his marriage and relationship with his in-laws is still intact. Truth is there is nothing perfect. Relationships can't be perfect. He stated that he knew situations like this would arise and did his best to counter it knowing fully well it was a phase ( You felt his calmness and not raging as bottling it up). Of course, he was annoyed but it wasn't hate.
2. In-laws told her to look for a better school and were not interested in if her husband was aware or not (Legal marriage). Most in-laws would even tell her to discuss with her husband, because it is a sensitive issue.
3. That " The state govt.." statement was purely a joke
You read too much meaning to the sending of gifts. I bet if he didn't send gifts, you would've said he doesn't care about them and wanted to snub them
I'm not saying they should not interfere. But they should do so wisely ( Make sure she carries her husband along). There's nothing wrong with communicating with the husband directly. They should also learn to respect her husband's decision. This case was never a case of hunger, I hope you do know that.

MahatmaGhandi:
I am so happy for you. This is the fate of many men out there. They are practically reduced to almost nothing after matrimony and the painful thing is that don't see it coming until shit hits the fan. But I also know of women who have put their foot down as regards interference from their family and were betrayed by their husbands. Some of them are back to their father's house again. Life can be so complicated sometimes.

HenryCavill:
No, I am not married. However, I believe we were given our minds for us to be rational. If we lose our rationality it's as good as losing our minds