₦airaland Forum

chocberry:
Hush the tone. Those that go into war chant in lesser tones than those already on the battlefield before them. Excessive rationalism equates sensellessness

Psoul:
"I have discovered that love doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating isn't always a product of not loving your partner.

In fact, loving someone doesn't guarantee not falling in love with someone else. Relationships work out mostly because of our heads not our hearts.

It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline; because, time will come when you'll see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you're in a relationship with.

In those times, love will not help you. Self control will help you. Emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going.

With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you're committed to will rank first in your life.

You think happily married people don't see better people than the ones they married to? You think they don't feel funny sometimes? You think they don't catch feelings? They do!

But understanding that commitment is greater than feelings and it is the great arsenal that destroys those unhelpful impulses.

You can fall in love with anyone, but building a relationship takes absolutely more than what attracted you to them and takes more than love.

We are too fond of loving when it's convenient and sweet. We are too fond of loving when love is there; but that can only last for just the first 3 - 6 months of the relationship in many cases.

After then, you'll realise that the feelings have dropped and it's now your responsibility to make the relationship work, not love's responsibility.

Relationships cannot be readymade. You have to build it and it's never always about love, it requires commitment and intelligence.

On the long run in marriages, it's not just love that keeps them together forever, it's determination and commitment.

Everyone falls in love; it takes little or no effort to do that. But staying in love? Building a relationship? Only the strong and committed ones do that.

That's why we must find that one person and commit to that one, discipline yourself and bridle your emotions.

Building a relationship is hard work, it's like building a career, It's like pursuing a dream.

It's always tough. At some point it will be so bitter but you can make it work by putting your heads together. You can scale through the trying times by staying focused and committed.

The kind of love that attracts two people together is not the kind of love that will keep them together. Be emotionally strong, be self disciplined and above all, have the God factor that will give you the grace needed to reign you in.

God Bless.

DripDrop:
Shio! What a prìck. He’s not even married and he’s commenting on how a married man should have handled his home better.

DripDrop:
Shio! What a Arrow. He said not even married and he’s commenting on how a married man should have handled his home better.

HenryCavill:
Lol...I totally agree with the last statements you made about interference and things not being perfect.

How do we know there was no hunger...I'm still waiting for an interpretation of "luxury food item"

PS: the bolded part above is a joke

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

chocberry:
That's the hypocrisy in the world we live in today, exactly why we shouldn't take people on social media serious. Any comment that appears intelligent could be that of a lunatic with a five seconds pause in his/her mental " ish ", bet you can relate

chocberry:
That's the hypocrisy in the world we live in today, exactly why we shouldn't take people on social media serious. Any comment that appears intelligent could be that of a lunatic with a five seconds pause in his/her mental " ish ", bet you can relate

Apination:
Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

Gungnir:
True but some women who aren't from such background will still be disrespectful.

This OP case, their family were average when he met her upon hitting big, attitude change. It's why they say money magnifies who you truly are. Everything hinges on character.

DripDrop:
Absolutely right. I just lost it when he said he is not married. Why was I shouting sef? How Can an unmarried person relate with the OPs feelings to the point of questioning his actions or intentions?
If one is not careful one will go and fight with ones spouse after getting expert and rational advise from these children on social media.
Cheers.

HenryCavill:
Why can people not have a sound intellectual argument without taking things personal. comparing me to a lunatic is a bit over the line sir and just so you know I was married but lost my wife shortly after we were married.

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

chocberry:
Hush the tone. Those that go into war chant in lesser tones than those already on the battlefield before them. Excessive rationalism equates sensellessness

harrwix:
This is so apt... please can I repost?

crismark:
lmao!!! i tink say na only me like rich families...

i don taya to dey try toast babe nd d nxt tin she go talk na "i have nt made my hair" nd "i dnt av a good phone"...dis has happened on 4 different occasions wit 4 different girls.

norris123:
Baba same with me here oo, I used to have opportunities of meeting girls from a weathy family when I was in school but since i relocated back to Abj, I have been seeing only broke ones. Am tired of girls now, the only woman I was hoping to marry has gone for her masters abroad and we haven't communicated for some time now because of that I have been searching for a girlfriend here that can possibly turn to fiance but guess what I hear everytime I meet a girl, she will start demanding for airtime, money for hair and many things I don't know, brother am tired of Nigeria girls. I know it's because of my business that subjected me to all these kind of hungry girls here, am always busy with my business and hardly visit nice places I can meet better girls. There was a girl met last three years and when I was about traveling for new year, I told her I will be visiting my home town do you know immediately she started asking for Xmas things and I asked what she wants, she said she wants to fix her hair I was not happy when I heard that I now told I will give her money when I come back since I cannot do transfer to her. Do you know that three days before I come back she sent text message to me that I should help her with a new phone , I just said no wahala, I came back on 31st and we met at one hotel in our home town not in inside d room ooo on the new year and when I was about leaving I gave her 5k for the hair which I know she has already made, do you know she wasnt happy me for giving her 5k this is someone I haven't been talking with before and she even said I have not done Xmas for her I said ok she should give me her account details that I will do that when I enter inside banking hall but I didn't send anything ooo thunder fire am. To cut stories short am tired of Nigeria girls, immediately you toast them they will take you as their papa, I think relationship should be a mutual thing parasite vs host. If I were a woman, any man that comes close to me won't leave again because I won't bother him in anything. Men love girls that don't demand.

Ngokafor:
Please make that MEN cos his cohorts are falling over themselves on this thread in agreement with him...I am hard pressed to believe or sympathise with their rantings and lamentations

The average Nigerian male is very insecure,self-absorbed,,has an overdose of entitlement mentality and egocentric ...If you are rich its a problem,if you are poor its a problem,if your parents are rich its a problemif they are poor,same thing

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

lebete3000:
That's because you pay so much respect to money na....

ivolt:
The attitude of the parents are like those who were pressured into accepting their
daughter's husband, such husband should expect such behaviors and never be surprised by it,
I am confident they have displayed such behavior before his marriage.

The bold is the problem in many homes. Many men are trying to replicate a model
marriage that doesn't exist in reality and it always leads to disappointment.
Marriage is never black and white, if you live near close elderly couples you can ask
them about it. There is no decision that must be unilaterally taken by the man
unless he is an expert in such field. "A man is the head of the home" is a meaningless
cliche because at the end of the day, some of his decisions must be rejected regardless
of his financial status. Even in the old days where the relationship was more or less
a master-slave one, husbands still get spurned by their wives on some particular "key"
decisions. When some wives are said to be obedient, it is not because they always
obey their husband.

Women don't marry because they need leaders, they marry for security, that is how it has always been.

In this particular case, would he have felt slighted if his children got scholarships into the same school his
in-laws had suggested? No of course, he won't even think twice about it.
His desire to prove his independence to in-laws who don't care is the main cause of the problems when he doesn't need to prove anything.
Even if he becomes a Zuckerberg tomorrow, the in-laws won't stop "advising" their daughter at least in non-financial matters
because that is who they are.

Belafonte:
I'll be honest with you, I'm flirting with not marrying and just having children via surrogacy. I have come to understand women marry based on how much you can benefit their future materially. I'm sorry, I'm finding it really hard taking any of them seriously right now. I just can't seem to.

Leopantro:
i so love you for this.
marriage can sometimes not be logical.
Before marriage A = B
After marriage A /= B.

each decision and plan is hinged on so many factors.
what works for one couple can not theoretically work for another couple.
that is why i don't believe in attending lectures on marriages and how to be a good couple. there are no golden rule when it comes to marriage
case in point Pastor Chris in believers love world.
He who wears the shoe knows were it hurts the most.

ChristineC:
You can marry a girl from a rich family of course, all you need is understanding. It's best if you both had been friends probably from youth.

As much as money is important in marriage, i reserve my comments on your wife...

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

luminouz:
He has already accepted this point...why raising urs again with these obsfucate grammar?