Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs - Family - Nairaland
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| Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 12:07am On Jul 10, 2018 |
WARNING: this post may tick you off. But please read! Here goes: About a year or so ago my husband and I were just overwhelmed with busy-ness. I was speaking a lot, and he was working a lot, and we weren’t connecting. Two nights in a row we didn’t make love because I was preoccupied. Then I was away speaking. When I came home it was the middle of the night so we didn’t, either. The next night I was still tired, but neither of us slept well because both of us were feeling that something was wrong in our relationship. The next night we did make love. And then he bought me flowers. Sex flowers. I got mad. I interpreted it like this: “My husband wants sex too much, so he’ll reward me when we make love, and punish me when we don’t. He’ll be distant when we don’t make love deliberately so that I will start putting out.” And I got really frustrated. And then it hit me: maybe the reason Keith bought me flowers was simply because he felt closer to me and lovey towards me. I thought what was going through his brain was this: “I need to manipulate my wife into doing what I want.” What was really going through his head was this: “I love my wife. I think I’ll buy her flowers.” You see, my friends, men are usually quite simple. In general, men need two things: to feel appreciated and to feel wanted. Usually we say men need “respect”, but I think respect can be more easily defined as both affirmation and appreciation. When we affirm what they do and show them appreciation, they feel ten feet tall. When we make love to them, we affirm their manhood and they feel loved. And when they feel loved, they tend to feel less antsy, more compassionate, and more eager to keep pleasing us because they feel like the relationship is something they do well. (Now, I know some of you are married to men who don’t WANT to make love, and that’s a different problem. If you’re facing that one, I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote on what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex). Why your husband won't meet your needs: an honest look at marriage dynamics--that may make you uncomfortable. Men tend to want to put in effort in areas they feel they are good at. That’s why if a man feels he’s lousy at marriage he’ll start working more, or playing on the computer more. He retreats to areas of competence. Make your man feel incompetent and irrelevant, and he’ll retreat. It’s as simple as that. Now, of course, some men are louts, and it doesn’t matter how much we try to please them, they’re going to retreat and be insensitive. Absolutely. But I think the number of honest to goodness natural louts is far fewer than the number of men who currently ACT like louts. I think many men act like louts because that is how they have been treated. Too many of us have virtually no respect for what a husband really needs, but we have unlimited respect for our own needs. And we’re not only hurting our husbands–we’re hurting ourselves. Let me talk about a couple I know who has been married for 35 years now. I watch them every now and then, and while I know they’re not splitting up, I don’t see a lot of tenderness. She snipes at him and criticizes him every chance she gets, and he bristles and walks out of the room. Every now and then he retaliates, but not often. She isn’t showing him that she appreciates him; she’s showing him that she doesn’t think he’s good enough. He’s always wrong. And it’s no wonder that he doesn’t act tenderly towards her! If you take that same couple at year one of their marriage instead of at year thirty-five, though, and his wife started thanking him for his contribution, and asking about his day, and making love to him with relative frequency, and respecting his opinion, I bet at thirty-five years they’d be a lot more affectionate and a lot more tender. Men really aren’t complicated. Do those two things: appreciate him and make love frequently, and you’ll likely find that he starts being nicer to the kids. He helps with the dishes. He phones if he’s going to be late. He feels competent and appreciated, and he wants to keep excelling in the family sphere because it’s something he does well. Make him feel like he’s not doing it well, and he will start to wither. Why can’t we just give to our men this way? Because we don’t work that way. Remember the book “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Kevin Leman? I know it was written by a man, because only a man would think the sexual relationship was that straightforward. He’s thinking the way men do, and then reversing the equation. When a man gets his primary needs met, he tends to reach out and start meeting a woman’s needs. So Leman assumes that women act the same way: when we get our need for affection met, and when he starts helping around the house and caring about us, we’ll start to make love more. It’s not true. I’ve known many men who are saints at home and their wives aren’t helping at all, because we tend to question men’s motivations. We think either that they’re trying to manipulate us, or we come up with other things they’re doing wrong. Or, perhaps even more likely, we think to ourselves: “I’m glad he cares about me, because I work really hard. I need to take a break now so he can carry more of the load”, and we don’t think of returning the favour much at all. 6 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 12:08am On Jul 10, 2018 |
We women are far too focused on what is “right” and what is “fair“. That’s because we’re naturally multi-taskers, and we have a million things in our minds at one time. If our husbands meet one of our needs, we’ll simply think of 99 others that are unmet, because all of it is sloshing around in our brains, all the time. We’re asking ourselves, how much did he care for the kids today? How much housework did he do? Did he let me talk? Did he care? And if the answer is no in any of these areas, we tend to hold it as our right to pull back from him until he improves. We don’t tend to feel all lovey dovey towards him when he does something right. We don’t feel ten feet tall when he does the dishes or takes care of the kids. We simply think, “that’s what he should have been doing anyway”–and then we focus on all the other things we still need. So the adage, “meet your spouse’s needs, and they’ll meet yours” has much more of a chance of working for women than it does for men. Because men can focus on one thing at a time, then when you show appreciation, he feels appreciated. Because women are multi-taskers, we’re not as straightforward, and it’s harder for us to feel all lovey dovey. When it comes to husbands, then, if you put yourself out and really show him appreciation and make love, he will, more than likely, become a different person over time. On the other hand, if he does the same thing, there is no guarantee that you will change, because we don’t work the same way. What he needs is the affirmation that he receives through sex, and so many of us are so focused on being exhausted and not having time that we don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we should consider his needs for a second. In our way of thinking, our husbands often impede on our ability to enjoy our life, what with all their demands, and frankly, they’re far too much like animals, anyway. And then women wonder why, fifteen years into marriage, their husband seems so distant and so insensitive. Now, I understand that “just have sex” won’t work in all situations–in fact I have a post where I write about 3 cases where “just have sex” is exactly the WRONG thing to do. But in most marriages, it really will change the dynamic and put you on the road to feeling much closer and much happier with your husband. Does that mean that it’s women’s fault if men don’t care about our feelings? If they don’t help with the kids? No, it’s not, because men are morally obligated to do these things anyway, whether or not we return the favour. But here’s the thing: just because you can’t be morally blamed for it does not mean that you could not have taken steps to make your marriage better. We honestly have an easier deal with marriage than men do because men are so relatively simple (and I don’t mean this in a derogatory way; we’re just made differently). Give them appreciation and make love, and they will tend to feel tenderly towards us. We, on the other hand, are far more complex, and we’re not easy to figure out. Men actually have it harder. I know this isn’t popular to say. I know a lot of you are mad at me right now, and thinking what an idiot your husband is, and how I’m blaming you for not having sex with an idiot. I don’t walk in your shoes, and it could be that your husband really is that horrible. But then, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you marry him? When you were dating, he probably was nice to you, and that was probably because he did feel ten feet tall. You appreciated him. You affirmed him. You “made out” with him and seemed so hot for him! Then you got married and he didn’t feel like he had to woo you, but you also stopped with your affection, too. The difference is that you justify your behaviour; he often doesn’t notice his. And as the months and years pass, your relationship takes on a different dynamic. Maybe the problem is not your husband, but the dynamic of your relationship. You saw something nice in your husband once. I believe those attractive qualities can come out again. So, please, ladies, even if you don’t believe what I’m saying, can I ask you to suspend your disbelief and try an experiment? Instead of thinking about how your husband wants sex too much, commit for six weeks (it has to be a long enough period of time) to do the following things: 1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time) 2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whoever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get. 3. Do not nag. 4. Do not give the silent treatment. 5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week). At the end of six weeks, see if you feel differently towards your husband, and if he is acting differently towards you. I bet you will! Just the act of being nice to him will make you start thinking more nicely about him. And as you make love more frequently, you will feel closer to him and you’ll feel more goodwill, too. Maybe that’s hard for you because you honestly don’t enjoy sex. If that’s the case, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has great info in a fun way that can help you turn it around! If you don’t like sex, it’s really worth trying to tackle the problem, because it will help your marriage so much! I know you may not believe me, but so many marriages would be saved if we women would just learn how to love our men. Will you try? https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/09/why-your-husband-wont-meet-your-needs/ 5 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 12:10am On Jul 10, 2018 |
Interesting perspective. What do you think? 1 Like |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by KanwuliaExtra: 1:32am On Jul 10, 2018 |
Does he have to meet my needs? The one he can do fine. The rest? I CAN DO!  Ask Chimamanda! 6 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by cococandy(f): 1:42am On Jul 10, 2018 |
She should speak for herself. Personally I’m am super easy to please. Just respect me the way you want me to respect you and we are fine. I appreciate every gesture no matter how little. And when I’m able to, I reciprocate it double. I agree she had good points but she ruined it by her generalizations. Many good women exist who appreciate simple gestures in a big way. 4 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by dingbang(m): 6:09am On Jul 10, 2018 |
Women are very stubborn, they feel they are "righter" than the holy spirit.. And that's why most of their marriages will fail because they don't listen! 1 Like |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 7:25am On Jul 10, 2018 |
KanwuliaExtra: I agree that a husband can't meet all the needs of his wife. This is written by an American wife yet interestingly, a colleague said something summarizing this a while back: it is easier to be a good wife than a good husband. With food, sex and respect, the husband is 'fine'; with the wife, not so. Maybe that's why the advice 'when you want something, cook, sleep with him' bla bla sometimes works with men. It also doesn't help that most of the husbands are not taught/ do not know/ are not interested in meeting the needs of the wife. 6 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 7:43am On Jul 10, 2018 |
cococandy: Remember her primary audience is American wives. She wasn't referring to 'bad wives' apart from the example of the couple married for 35yrs. What she is saying is that often times, because women have a lot of things on their minds, they look at the 'whole picture' in a negative way. When he does A, instead of basking in the moment and enjoy A, we are still looking out for B - Z. She also pointed out that we question our husband's motives of tenderness towards us. Upon a personal review, I really appreciate things done in the moment and always want to reciprocate. I however sometimes question his motives for appreciating me. When I do something I don't want to, appreciating me and going all lovey seems like mockery to me and gets me more irritated. And this goes for everyone. So maybe it is a personality thing and not even marriage related. I also don't associate sex with feelings of happiness/ meeting needs. It is like food. I wouldn't reject food because I am not happy that my mom didn't buy a dress I really desired. I eat the food, display my disappointment in not getting my dress and move on till another event of met/unmet needs. Some of these things are good so we can do personal reviews. 5 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 7:43am On Jul 10, 2018 |
dingbang: Oh, you fit the example of the lout husband. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by dingbang(m): 7:54am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:really... How is your marriage going? Its well known that philosophers have a bad marriage.. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 7:55am On Jul 10, 2018 |
Expository write-up, quite balanced. The writer comes off as someone who has broken free from the cage of SELF and transcended into the realm of enlightenment. The moment a woman starts making her HAPPINESS dependent on HER NEEDS and of course expecting her spouse to be the one who meets them, she will always remain unhappy and unfulfilled simply because a woman's needs are endless. There will always be something the man is yet to do for her which he hasn't done yet. The question is, "why would any woman do that to themselves" My answer is, "They don't even know they did" 3 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 7:56am On Jul 10, 2018 |
dingbang: So copying and pasting an article from a blog makes me a philosopher? God please dash this man sense! |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 8:00am On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: This is not a coup out for men NOT to meet the needs of their women. Maybe that's why the 'face your children' advise is common here? If a woman who multi tasks can learn to appreciate daily goodness, it would help her more appreciative and forgiving; godly qualities we need to develop. This is a classic example of marriage as a school of learning and improving character and not telling women to learn how to endure disrespect, cheating or abuse. 3 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 8:01am On Jul 10, 2018 |
KanwuliaExtra:Are you sure you don't mind if he does only one?  Say the truth and let the devil be ashamed. 3 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 8:05am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:Where in my post did you get the interpretation that men should not meet the needs of their wives? 1 Like |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 8:10am On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: I do not think I inferred you said that. Or is it because it is the first line in my response to you? Abeg, leave me joor. I am sure I addressed some other stuffs in everyone I responded to here apart from 'D'. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 8:21am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:I hold you for waist?  Let me help you out: When a woman makes her happiness/fulfillment in marriage dependent on her NEEDS, she is doomed and will be stuck in an endless cycle of "happy with my husband today, unhappy with him tomorrow". This is what my post elucidates on, and a summary of the article you shared. 5 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 8:23am On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: @Bold: I very well agree with you and the OP. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 9:09am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:Kpakam...  |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 9:17am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:Probably because the needs are endless. Men are much simpler. 1 Like |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 9:30am On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: Hallelujah. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by bukatyne(f): 9:31am On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: If they meet 10 out of 15, they would be able to address their wives' ungratefulness; afterall, he is not God. But to fold your arms and do nothing? Mbanu! 2 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 9:53am On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne:No be only 10 out of 15, why not just 1 out of 15 and the wife should be grateful Don't you see how you ladies think? |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by enabledgoddess(f): 3:04pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: True talk. I remember when I used to expect my husband to do everything for me;he never always met my expectations and that made me unhappy every time. If something didn't go right, I will say if only you had done this, if only you have bought this , if only I had this . I expected him to do all this. Then I realized he is only a human , prone to fail and has needs too. I began to tell myself to do something by myself and appreciate the ones he can and learn to wait for him to fulfil his promises. I became happier and well mentally. It is dangerous for another human to depend fully on another human. Love is beautiful when we don't expect our happiness from our spouse. After all having all our needs met by our men do not equate happy marriage 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by KanwuliaExtra: 3:15pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
crackhaus: He already does. As good friends and BEST HOUSE-MATES! Just saying . . . Should in case of “in casity”. Nor be “husband matter” dey pepper me now. I have other major concerns of family dynamics and retirement planning o. Sex? Please, too boring and tiring. At this stage, you have to be careful not to “COME and GO” at the same time ke! With all that BIG-BIG BELLE, Diabetes, HIGH BP and who knows what else? 30 years of SEX! SEX! SEX!  Time to retire abeg! Over to the “newly-weds” and those who never had it “gooooooood”! I don CHOP belle-ful. Na wetin? Abeg I need SLEEP, not SEX! All I see now is $$$$$$$$$$  |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by Cholls(m): 3:20pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
cococandy:
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| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by KanwuliaExtra: 3:34pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne: I be AMERICAN WIFE?  As an AFRICAN WIFE. . . . . 2 things I can NEVER TRUST ANY MAN WITH ARE MY WALLET ANS MY HEART! I guard both seriously! There are many dangers with trying to “copy” western marriages. It is easier to meet the needs of a man than a man meeting the needs of a woman. We are not raised in western ways. The concept of relationship and marriage is PURELY CONTRACTUAL in Africa. In Africa? ? ? WOMAN GO WAIT TAYA KE! The reason I have CONDITIONED myself not to EXPECT too much. I can NEVER give less than I receive sha! If he says good morning, I say good morning. I have learned not to give where I don’t receive! I way to self-absorbed to look at any man’s face. I nor get that kain time. I don’t have that “finicky need” to feel special with gifts of “flowers” or “G-Wagon Assurances”! My emotional bank akkant dey always “GBAGAM” for myself than invest foolishly in NIGERIAN MEN. I have only dated and married Nigerian men. . . .So I get them formula wella-wella! No emotional of financial FREEEEEEBIES! Efry barry. . . . how im own o! 1 Like |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by Nobody: 4:05pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
KanwuliaExtra:Sorry, @ the bolded, are you a divorcee, how many time have you divorced ? |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 4:09pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
KanwuliaExtra:Congratulations on your longetivity, we dey count awa own dey come small small. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by crackhaus: 4:26pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
enabledgoddess:Nice one Some women were not so lucky to figure this out before giving up on their marriages and citing 'irreconcilable differences' as the only reason. |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by cococandy(f): 4:44pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
bukatyne: I still think she shouldn’t generalize. I’m an American wife and that doesn’t describe me or any of my friends. However, it is true that there are unappreciative women out there. They are not the majority. okay What she is saying is that often times, because women have a lot of things on their minds, they look at the 'whole picture' in a negative way. When he does A, instead of basking in the moment and enjoy A, we are still looking out for B - Z. see? Something like this. . Maybe I’m naive for thinking most women would naturally appreciate and bask in the moment of A rather than look out for B-Z. Or maybe because I’ve seen what ingratitude does in a relationship so I appreciate everything I receive. But I don’t believe I’m in the minority. Which is the only problem I have with her post. If she knows a handful or ladies who do this, it doesn’t mean that’s the norm. She also pointed out that we question our husband's motives of tenderness towards us.this might be true for those who are not used to receiving tenderness from their men. If it happens often, they would know it’s part of their love life. Otherwise, I can see how the rare act of tenderness would evoke suspicion. (that doesn’t make it right) but it makes it understandable. Upon a personal review, I really appreciate things done in the moment and always want to reciprocateawesome I however sometimes question his motives for appreciating me. When I do something I don't want to, appreciating me and going all lovey seems like mockery to me and gets me more irritated.I’m sorry I don’t understand what you mean by this. I also don't associate sex with feelings of happiness/ meeting needs. It is like food. I wouldn't reject food because I am not happy that my mom didn't buy a dress I really desired.that’s mature Some of these things are good so we can do personal reviews. I agree they are good. I was reading it however and I kept going “that’s not me”, “that’s not me”. So while she has great points, it doesn’t describe most women. 2 Likes |
| Re: Why Your Husband Won't Meet Your Needs by cococandy(f): 4:48pm On Jul 10, 2018 |
I can bet you’re a little bit of both While your roots may never leave you, your environment will inevitably impact you KanwuliaExtra: |
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