₦airaland Forum

My dear, I feel sorry for you and pray that God grant you grace and strength.

This is exactly the situation my mum found herself. Dad is from a polygamous family, the first son from the second wife, a twin also the only educated one in his family.
Dad twin sister and half brothers also his own siblings were fighting my mum when we were kids, my mum was always crying, till she couldn't hold it N had to fight back, she would discuss with dad but later dad will relax, when we were all grown she faced them squarely that they became scared, she really gave it to them, if they shout she shouts the loudest. They had no choice but to free her.

My dear it's upto you to stand your ground for your kids and face them without any intimidation

nwanneni:
yes,i am an igbo man from Anambra state.
We don't joke with our parents and siblings.
In my culture,when one person sees light,he owes it to his brothers to show them the light as well.we do not welcome one man captain in our kingdred!
The husband simply has to put his siblings in place if at all he is rich,but if he is struggling,then we can bare with him.
That is our way.

Nonsense!!
I am from Anambra State too and that is not our way. What happened to their hands, can't they hussle on their own? Are they suffering from leprosy? Parasites in the name of siblings.
That's why Kanu Nwankwo's wife had to call out her in-law. Some people will always want to suck their first son dry.

In my family, everybody hussles on his/her own. We don't depend on our first son to do everything for us so pls stop saying it's Anambra pple's way. It's not our way @ all.

egojeny1:
Nonsense!!
I am from Anambra State too and that is not our way. What happened to their hands, can't they hussle on their own? Are they suffering from leprosy? Parasites in the name of in-laws.
That was why Kanu Nwankwo's wife had to call out her in-law. Some people will always want to suck their first son dry.

In my family, everybody hussles on his/her own. We don't depend on our first son to do everything for us so pls stop saying it's Anambra pple's way. It's not our way @ all.

it's like you don't read and comprehend.
I said if one of them sees "light".now has any of you seen light?by that i mean real money.
No one expects a struggling person to lead others!
When a brother in our kingdred makes it,he trains his folks in the business and establishes them.
That is how we as a people became succesful.
Struggle on our own my ass

CanadianNaija:
Unfortunately it will never end, people like these are usually very entitled.
My quiet mum became a nag because she talked all the time, and his family hated her and called her a witch that has come to steal their brother.
I saw all this growing up and it made me decide never to marry into a family with poverty stricken uneducated in-laws, they are the worst kind of mistake you will make.






Just make your own plans for yourself and your kids, and stop using your money to do things that he should do.

It's like we grew up in the same house...it was really tough growing up... extended family feeling entitled... I even have an aunt that had six kids and my dad was responsible for them, recently one of the kids had a slip of tongue and said my dad sent him to a Polytechnic and sent me his (his biological child o) to a university...I'm like "really"..
One of my uncle was calling my dad to please send him money for baby things cos his wife is almost due..(8th child)..if a man in his forties is still behaving as such...


OP..just save for the rainy days, these people will continue to behave as such...and if you voice out too much, you'll be tagged a wicked witch.. There's poverty in the land..
Save your money and channel it into something productive..

Madam Briller it might not just end soon. I salute your perseverance, save and make investments.

The house built I hope its in your name or that of your children.

CanadianNaija:
Unfortunately it will never end, people like these are usually very entitled.

My father was the only educated and successful one in his family too, in fact he trained himself in school because his father felt spending money on getting an education when he could go learn a trade was a waste of money.

But he finished school and became successful and the leeches he call family came to suck him dry.
His siblings kept breeding and dumping in the village for him to train, burials, marriages of his sisters Nko?

My quiet mum became a nag because she talked all the time, and his family hated her and called her a witch that has come to steal their brother.
I saw all this growing up and it made me decide never to marry into a family with poverty stricken uneducated in-laws, they are the worst kind of mistake you will make.

You people will never be able to set money aside for any project, because something must always come up. While you’re doing family planning, they are breeding everyday because they know that you will always help even if it’s out of shame.

My father retired from the civil service at a very senior level with practically nothing compared to the people on same level with him at work, except for the properties and the houses my mother made him build and buy using fight and quarrel.
Most times when they save up for a big project, family problem will come and he will sometimes hide and spend that money without even informing my mum, lots of opportunities were missed out on because of family wahala.

All those his siblings that he spent a life time buying trucks, starting businesses and sending abroad not one of them really amounted to anything.
You won’t believe that he still fends for some of them from his pension till date. So my dear, your husband is enabling not helping and he won’t be able to stop.

Just make your own plans for yourself and your kids, and stop using your money to do things that he should do.

This is deep...

Kene1245:
Your swift response to these questions shows your desire to truly sought this issue out, I must commend you for starting something for 2 of them.

ALL YOU NEED NOW IS CONSTANT PRAYER WITH A CLEAN HEART TO GOD ALMIGHTY TO RESTORE LOVE TO YOUR FAMILY AS A WHOLE.
because Love conquers all.

Also note this;

1. God works in a mysterious way which is beyond our human reasoning, That's why he has made you financially stable to fill in the gap where your husband couldn't , think about this what if i didn't have anything doing?

2. The expectations on every first male child from average home of african decent is high such that it becomes in built from childhood to the grave , that's why your husband will never see anything he has done for his family as a big thing; even he will want to do more there by neglecting his own kids, Don't blame him and you can't even stop it because the passion is naturally.

3. Every marriage has a cross and i must tell you this is your cross as a wife .

4. Both of you should open a single account tagged ' Family ' and each month you both should make it mandatory to deposit at least 30% of your salary in the account , this will go along way for rainy days.

5. Do not let your kids see their father as a neglect dad rather teach them to understand that their dad has lot of responsibilities.

once more pray always for love in the family.

Open a single account? Very bad idea. The husband will find reasons why he can't deposit into the account every month

Briller:
Pls folks, I need help. I have a burning issue in my heart and it's threatening to break my home. Have been married for 8 years and my husband runs his own business while I also have a very good job. Hubby is the first son and only educated amongst his siblings and he is a professional. Unfortunately his siblings
dropped out of school because of either their irresponsibility, greed and stubbornness. Hubby is the first son and only educated one in his family. His siblings are all adults with their own families but still depend on him for financial support and unfortunately, their demands are endless. His only sister is a widow with multiple children. This sister of his thinks her children are my hubby's responsibility - to train them and provide for her needs and he (hubby) has taken it upon himself to do that.

It wasn't an issue earlier in our marriage but even when our kids started coming, he still channels all his resources to the sister and her kids as well as his other siblings, leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities - paying the bills, school fees, feeding house rents until I built us a place, feeding, etc. It is very important to mention that yes, he makes the money but feels he has a mandate in life to help people in need and pls don't get me wrong. I am a great giver.

Now the challenge is that I have become bitter over time and I'm heart broken as matters concerning me and my kids are disregarded. To worsen the whole issue, that same sister of his hates me and have incited other family members against me. They treat me as a complete outcaste. During one of the family meetings, I was told to my face that I stole their brother. I wept non-stop that night till the next day cause I have been the one being exploited. I continued to ignore their actions and still maintain my calm until recently, I came into the room and overheard my husband's telephone discussion with his younger brother. I heard my husband explaining that his niece and nephew didn't move in with us cause my sister was with us. You needed to see the way my brother in-law was vibrating on the phone and threatening fire and brimstone as per why would my sister be in our house instead of his neice. This same brother in-law feels he is the "Commanding Officer and the one to call the shots" in my marriage. He called me once when I delivered to tell me his mom will come for my omugwo and I waived it off as maybe he was just excited or maybe he has had too much to drink that day. Of course, hubby and i already had plans to bring mama over to spend time with us after the baby arrives but for the guy to tell us who will do omugwo for my first child was odd.

I personally think my husband is aiding them in their attitude and I have repeatedly made my husband to understand the consequences of his actions all to no avail.

I have decided to move on cause I cannot remain an outcaste and at the same time not at least havesupportive husband. I would rather stay on my own than die prematurely from the pains I am feeling right now.

Pls I need advise from the married men and ladies in the house.

Try make him understand that his immediate family comes first, and that he possibly can't keep shouldering the responsibilities of others forever. This dosen't imply carelessing them.

That said, I want you to know that ALL our experiences in life stems from karma and reincarnation, and a good understanding of these will so help us get along with life harmoniously. Maybe they did same (or even more) for your hubby in the previous lifetime, and now, he has to do same for them.

So, just be grateful that you two have enough, do the best you can to help others, but in all, put your immediate family first.

nwanneni:
wife and children over mother?are you ok?

I see comments like this and I am instantly afraid for the poster's wife and children. Na wa o. Bros, the Bible say a man will leave his parents and cleave to his wife and they thereafter become one. No man would be right to neglect his mother, but your wife and children actually come first.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Yes. I'm very okay. Oh, I see, you must be an Igbo man.

And it says 'and a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife'.

Your wife should come first.
Then your children, and then your mother or whoever you like to tag along. Very selfish men we have around us.

Didn't even see this before I posted my comment. And while we are on the subject, let no one claim to speak for the entirety of Anambra men. I am from Anambra state and I categorically tell you this myopic thinking is the sole preserve of chauvinists who see women as irrelevant. It is not an Anambra thing please. My hubby and I are both from Anambra State. Thank goodness he doesn't think like this.

nwanneni:
yes,i am an igbo man from Anambra state.
We don't joke with our parents and siblings.
In my culture,when one person sees light,he owes it to his brothers to show them the light as well.we do not welcome one man captain in our kingdred!
The husband simply has to put his siblings in place if at all he is rich,but if he is struggling,then we can bare with him.
That is our way.

Hi, I want to ask you something please
Can I?

Irenemmeso:
Hi, I want to ask you something please
Can I?

sure go on

nwanneni:
sure go on

why is it that most Anambra people don't like marrying from other States like IMO,Enugu,ebonyi??
Like why?? We are all igbo

Irenemmeso:
why is it that most Anambra people don't like marrying from other States like IMO,Enugu,ebonyi??
Like why?? We are all igbo

well,different strokes for different folks.some people just have their preferences.
I on the other hand never bother about such minor detail.
I hope i answered your question

nwanneni:
well,different strokes for different folks.some people just have their preferences.
I on the other hand never bother about such minor detail.
I hope i answered your question

Yea thanks

Eketem:
Single women stop doing audition during dating use the time to discuss these things, family finance and role of inlaws in your life

Very good advice.

Almost three decades ago, there was this brother who believed I would be his wife. Over time, we talked about our hopes and expectations. One day, he told me that my income would take care of our family while he would use his income to take care of a family that was very good to him and had lost the father.

I didn't say anything but became unavailable for anything beyond greetings.

A few years ago, we met. We are both married and his wife had a medical condition he wanted some information about. Along the line, I couldn't help asking him if he carried out his plan to fend for another family while his wife carried the weight of theirs.

He responded that he was immature when he had that plan.

Courtship is the time to sound yourselves out. No surprises.

backbone503:
Try make him understand that his immediate family comes first, and that he possibly can't keep shouldering the responsibilities of others forever. This dosen't imply carelessing them.

That said, I want you to know that ALL our experiences in life stems from karma and reincarnation, and a good understanding of these will so help us get along with life harmoniously. Maybe they did same (or even more) for your hubby in the previous lifetime, and now, he has to do same for them.

So, just be grateful that you two have enough, do the best you can to help others, but in all, put your immediate family first.

All your own na karma and reincarnation. No dey use your ideology dey advise people. Advise generally. Stop being sentimental!

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

So you will assist your siblings and their families at the detriment of yours?

UyaiIncomparabl:
Imagine this! So, until he shows up, you can't judge rightly?

You're just the definition of a sentimental human.

That is what guys usually say when it is a lady telling the story. If it were a guy, they would have blasted the wife without asking to hear from her side.

nwanneni:
yes,i am an igbo man from Anambra state.
We don't joke with our parents and siblings.
In my culture,when one person sees light,he owes it to his brothers to show them the light as well.we do not welcome one man captain in our kingdred!
The husband simply has to put his siblings in place if at all he is rich,but if he is struggling,then we can bare with him.
That is our way.

There's something I really abhor about The 'Anambra' indigenes', and I can read it all over you. It's PRIDE. Well, to your reply, that's totally you and your family's business.

OP desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of leaving, you could use this old trick.

Tell your husband that your salary has been slashed. You need to fabricate a payslip and show him if possible. He would have to start paying the school fees and a bulk of the bills which will automatically reduce what he has available to spend around and will make him focus on his own family.

However, you need to save the supposed slashed salary for a rainy day and not start helping your whole village anyhow.

Another idea is to call your family and his family for an elaborate meeting to air whatever issues anyone has and to let everyone know their primary responsibilities.

CanadianNaija:
Unfortunately it will never end, people like these are usually very entitled.

My father was the only educated and successful one in his family too, in fact he trained himself in school because his father felt spending money on getting an education when he could go learn a trade was a waste of money.

But he finished school and became successful and the leeches he call family came to suck him dry.
His siblings kept breeding and dumping in the village for him to train, burials, marriages of his sisters Nko?

My quiet mum became a nag because she talked all the time, and his family hated her and called her a witch that has come to steal their brother.
I saw all this growing up and it made me decide never to marry into a family with poverty stricken uneducated in-laws, they are the worst kind of mistake you will make.

You people will never be able to set money aside for any project, because something must always come up. While you’re doing family planning, they are breeding everyday because they know that you will always help even if it’s out of shame.

My father retired from the civil service at a very senior level with practically nothing compared to the people on same level with him at work, except for the properties and the houses my mother made him build and buy using fight and quarrel.
Most times when they save up for a big project, family problem will come and he will sometimes hide and spend that money without even informing my mum, lots of opportunities were missed out on because of family wahala.

All those his siblings that he spent a life time buying trucks, starting businesses and sending abroad not one of them really amounted to anything.
You won’t believe that he still fends for some of them from his pension till date. So my dear, your husband is enabling not helping and he won’t be able to stop.

Just make your own plans for yourself and your kids, and stop using your money to do things that he should do.

Wow! Your dad really sacrificed himself for them. I t is not easy to surrounded by people who feel they are entitled to your wealth. But these men do not see it. They feel they are helping. Once ina while, they should learn to say "i don't have". Their lives will be better for it

nwanneni:
it's like you don't read and comprehend.
I said if one of them sees "light".now has any of you seen light?by that i mean real money.
No one expects a struggling person to lead others!
When a brother in our kingdred makes it,he trains his folks in the business and establishes them.
That is how we as a people became succesful.
Struggle on our own my ass

Others too should look for the light and not dump their life responsibility on another. It is called laziness

ImaIma1:
Others too should look for the light and not dump their life responsibility on another. It is called laziness

Tell him! He's even unapologetic about the comment! Crass ass!

ImaIma1:
That is what guys usually say when it is a lady telling the story. If it were a guy, they would have blasted the wife without asking to hear from her side.

You dey mind that one. I really don't like sentimental people. If it were a woman, they'd have said, 'Divorce her'! She's not a wife material. Mehn.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Tell him! He's even unapologetic about the comment! Crass ass!

It is such a low and annoying character of some family members. They act entitled to their brother's wealth and make any woman that comes an enemy because he is spending on her. The Bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. It means that once a man is married, the wife becomes number 1

UyaiIncomparabl:
You dey mind that one. I really don't like sentimental people. If it were a woman, they'd have said, 'Divorce her'! She's not a wife material. Mehn.

Such people are not objective but very partial. The wife is more important to him than his siblings. But they won't hear.

ImaIma1:
That is what guys usually say when it is a lady pptelling the story. If it were a guy, they would have blasted the wife without asking to hear from her side.

You dey mind that one. I really don't like sentimental people. If it were a woman, they'd have said, 'Divorce her'! She's not a wife material. Mehn.

UyaiIncomparabl:
You dey mind that one. I really don't like sentimental people. If it were a woman, they'd have said, 'Divorce her'! She's not a wife material. Mehn.

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ImaIma1:
Wow! Your dad really sacrificed himself for them. I t is not easy to surrounded by people who feel they are entitled to your wealth. But these men do not see it. They feel they are helping. Once ina while, they should learn to say "i don't have". Their lives will be better for it

if only the men and women that are sole providers to their families will learn to create a budget and stick to it.

Now he says he was trying to setup everyone up so that they won't depend on him but he went about it the wrong way, and ended up enabling lots of them.
I still have cousins that don't talk to me because they felt we(i and my siblings) had better lives than they did.

One time that my dad got my mum a brand new SUV and they travelled with it, the rumors and gossip that went round that period was something else. They all talked about how my mum wants to finish their brother's money, yet from childhood till now non of my father's relatives have ever bought evn 5 naira biscuit for any of us.
All they do is take.

UyaiIncomparabl:
All your own na karma and reincarnation. No dey use your ideology dey advise people. Advise generally. Stop being sentimental!

But thats the truth. There is nothing in this life thats unrelated with karma and reincarnation. coming to this realization means unravelling the mysteries of life. My dear, nothing (however trivial the act might seem) happens for nothing.

backbone503:
But thats the truth. There is nothing in this life thats unrelated with karma and reincarnation. coming to this realization means unravelling the mysteries of life. My dear, nothing (however trivial the act might seem) happens for nothing.

Mtcheew. That's what ECKankar made you believe. But na wetin concern karma and reincarnation here now?