₦airaland Forum

Most of the comments here will wreck your home. I don't see any problem anywhere. In less than two years, you and hubby have been able to come out of roughly 500k wedding debt so much you now have enough savings to acquire an industrial sewing machine, furnish your apartment and also saved enough for a decent car. That's a significant progress if you ask me. Note, you've been heavily pregnant with no source of income asides what he gives you and, perhaps, inconsistent tips from your boss? Yes, it is your savings, but he's the source.

We all make plans but our plans don't always align with scheduled timeline. In so far as your husband has not kicked against the so called plans outrightly, I don't see a problem anywhere. School fees for a master's programme in Uniben for instance is less than 100k, may be 150k for MBA, same with Unilag and most federal institutions.

I'm forced to believe you have other underlying issues as per the master's programme, not necessarily the funds. 100k Master's programme cannot in anyway affect anything you both planned together. Last time I checked, your industrial sewing machine (not part of your plans) is way more expensive than a Master's programme in a typical Federal institution in Nigeria.


Search your mind very well, you have other issues... availability? divided attention? insecurity or fear of seeing fresh college babes?

nwanneni:
It is not the best thing to do but isn't such a big deal in this case.
now this is the reason why it happened like that.
The husband of the lady makes all the money himself and is at crossroads here.
Does he buy a liability or procure an asset?
Now going with womanly advise or opinion(especially the ones that don't make any money) can be catastrophic here.she would want that car of course so she can pose to her unmarried friends hence discourage every idea of the husband procuring his education instead!
That is what I feel happened.

Well, I have to disagree with you. Although I can only make my opinions from the only information we have, and that coming from the woman herself. We have nothing from the husband, we have nothing from an impartial arbiter. And so until we can get some of those, I'll work with what we have.

Also I am assuming they both actually made those plans and not that she is just assuming some discussion made on the fly was actual planning.

The husband borrowed to spend more on their wedding than they both agreed. Lady was willing to sew her wedding dresses herself. Sounds to me that it's the guy who is more into showing off.

After my first child in Lagos and seeing what those with children around me go through, a car is not a luxury. It's a bloody necessity. Especially in the last stages of pregnancy.

So if I have been going through a phase in life where the solution to this oh so pressing difficult situation I am in is expectedly just around the corner (according to our family plan), then there is cause for angst.

But like I first said, all this is based on the assumption that what she said is factual and accurate. We don't know if yhere are other issues at play beyond what she said.

LewsTherin:
What is your opinion that they both worked out a plan together, started followomg the plan and the he unilaterally changed the plan at a time when the next phase of that plan became important?

Apparently the husband realised and rightly so that the plan was not good enough. The plan was not a very intelligent plan, probably the OP was the one that was even forcing that plan on the husband, the man appears like someone with a good head on his shoulders.

By the time you hear the husbands side of the story you will scold this woman, I can assure you.

Acidosis:
Most of the comments here will wreck your home. I don't see any problem anywhere. In less than two years, you and hubby have been able to come out of roughly 500k wedding debt so much you now have enough savings to acquire an industrial sewing machine, furnish your apartment and also saved enough for a decent car. That's a significant progress if you ask me. Note, you've been heavily pregnant with no source of income asides what he gives you and, perhaps, inconsistent tips from your boss? Yes, it is your savings, but he's the source.

We all make plans but our plans don't always align with scheduled timeline. In so far as your husband has not kicked against the so called plans outrightly, I don't see a problem anywhere. School fees for a master's programme in Uniben for instance is less than 100k, may be 150k for MBA, same with Unilag and most federal institutions.

I'm forced to believe you have other underlying issues as per the master's programme, not necessarily the funds. 100k Master's programme cannot in anyway affect anything you both planned together. Last time I checked, your industrial sewing machine (not part of your plans) is way more expensive than a Master's programme in a typical Federal institution in Nigeria.


Search your mind very well, you have other issues... availability? divided attention? insecurity or fear of seeing fresh college babes?

Wise words.

I may be wrong but the picture in my head of a "tailor" saying they have an industrial machine is one of those 50k to 75k electrical things. I don't think she means industrial as in INDUSTRIAL.

LewsTherin:
Wise words.

I may be wrong but the picture in my head of a "tailor" saying they have an industrial machine is one of those 50k to 75k electrical things. I don't think she means industrial as in INDUSTRIAL.

Oh, that's right. You have a point

calgaryFriend:
@Op you need to first acknowledge the fact that he worked for his money and he has every right to decide how to spend it.

He does not have to listen to you , majority of the people here advising you are kids . Your husband is someone majority of the ladies will be praying for. And you sound a little more entitled and ungrateful than you should.

That man is not wasting money on alcohol, drugs or women, he is spending money to do a masters degree which can help him to upgrade.

Instead of wasting money on a car, a liability why not allow him educate himself so that he can start looking for better opportunities. I am disappointed that you will advise your husband to buy a car rather than fund his own education, what is in a car.
Are you going to die if you dont have a car ?

You need to start thinking of the future and not just the present. Thant man is a hero and he is thinking and acting with the future in mind, you are too short sighted and unfortunately you have started frustrating him with your increased demand for money.

You appear to have a beautiful and peaceful home, something most people on this forum do not have so dont allow any toxic person here poison your mind against your husband.

You dont have to always have your way, trust your husbands decision making and respect them.

Lastly, you are angry and bitter with your husband that he went into debt for marrying you ? This is just a terrible thing on your path, you do not know the kind of burden men carry and I love that your husband had a plan and now he has paid the debt why are you still agonisiing over that.

You sound like someone who is very lazy and ungrateful, if you make your own money then you can say how you want to spend it, but as far as that man is working hard and planning you have to respect him.

Yes I spanked you and drew you close and spanked you again, thats how to talk to people like you, cos you are almost loosing your sense of reasoning.

I appreciate your scolding... But trust me I won't be bothered if he has a history in making good financial decisions.
Looking at Nigeria today, the future belong to smart entrepreneurs...
Even the people that support him...still come to me behind his back and say I'm actually right....but they will go to his face and tell him "women don't have foresight"...

He has refused to see that we are in this together and if anything goes wrong, me and my children will bear the brunt.

I'm not a feminist but I won't bear the brunt of a bad financial decision.

And about being entitled... My father trained us never to be entitled to anything, not even his own cash...I can do bad all by myself...I just wanted to build an empire with him " from the scratch" I guess I'm with the wrong person.
Or maybe building with a man is a scam.

calgaryFriend:
The plan was not a very intelligent plan, probably the OP was the one that was even forcing that plan on the husband, the man appears like someone with a good head on his shoulders.

....and the bit about his borrowing money for the wedding?

calgaryFriend:
@Op you need to first acknowledge the fact that he worked for his money and he has every right to decide how to spend it.

He does not have to listen to you , majority of the people here advising you are kids . Your husband is someone majority of the ladies will be praying for. And you sound a little more entitled and ungrateful than you should.

That man is not wasting money on alcohol, drugs or women, he is spending money to do a masters degree which can help him to upgrade.

Instead of wasting money on a car, a liability why not allow him educate himself so that he can start looking for better opportunities. I am disappointed that you will advise your husband to buy a car rather than fund his own education, what is in a car.
Are you going to die if you dont have a car ?

You need to start thinking of the future and not just the present. Thant man is a hero and he is thinking and acting with the future in mind, you are too short sighted and unfortunately you have started frustrating him with your increased demand for money.

You appear to have a beautiful and peaceful home, something most people on this forum do not have so dont allow any toxic person here poison your mind against your husband.

You dont have to always have your way, trust your husbands decision making and respect them.

Lastly, you are angry and bitter with your husband that he went into debt for marrying you ? This is just a terrible thing on your path, you do not know the kind of burden men carry and I love that your husband had a plan and now he has paid the debt why are you still agonisiing over that.

You sound like someone who is very lazy and ungrateful, if you make your own money then you can say how you want to spend it, but as far as that man is working hard and planning you have to respect him.

Yes I spanked you and drew you close and spanked you again, thats how to talk to people like you, cos you are almost loosing your sense of reasoning.

What is this one saying?
A husband doesn't have to listen to his wife or take her opinion into consideration before making a big decision? Are you married? Ever gotten a woman pregnant? If you have, then you'd know that a car is necessary in this situation. She clearly stated that there is nothing wrong with him going for his masters degree. The timing is simply wrong. What happens when he is in the lecture hall and she goes into labour and there's no car axailable?

Excesslove222:
Please I need matured advice

1. I married a struggling man,I was conscious of the fact that he wasn't rich, I wanted someone I would build with.

2. During the wedding preparations. I told him that we must not borrow money for it, we should work with whatever we have cause I did not want us to start our life with debts...he accepted and assured me we wouldn't borrow....it was after the whole ceremony I found out that we were more than half a million in debt.
I was hurt because I went as far as sewing my wedding dress and my bridal train dresses myself just to cut cost, but my hubby wore an Italian suit and Italian shoes.

3. When he met me, I just finished nysc and was learning fashion design, we did not really date, he plainly said he wants to marry me which I accepted cause he ticked most of my checklists in a future spouse.

Now to the main issue...
4. We had plans that after the wedding, we would start saving to furnish our apartment, after that, we start saving for a car, then also save to start a family business... That was the plan.

It took a while to furnish our apartment because of the debt incurred during the wedding but then, we later did and we started saving for the car.

5. Note: I don't really put anything into the savings, but I really have to manage resources around the house he gives me 5,000 per week for house upkeep/feeding but i always end up adding my money to make it up... And I rarely ask for money for stuffs for myself, I just manage what I can afford.

Back to my story...
6. We've now gotten something substantial to get us a family car (I'm heavily pregnant) and he now knows he wants to run a masters program.

7. I'm actually not against him doing his masters but I feel the timing is wrong...what he does for a living does not require certification (if not I would have said he would get a raise after the program) he just wants to have a masters degree because all his mates have a masters and "something may come up in the future" but I feel we need a family car and a family business more right now.

8. I'm so pained cause I thought we were a team, I thought my feelings matter, I thought I was important but now its obvious what they say...that a man is only loyal when he is broke.

9. I have been saving really hard and was able to get and industrial sewing machine(without his input) recently, and I hope to start a "ready to wear" line once I put to bed.
He is 37 am 28.
10. I no longer manage resources, I collect every dime I need around the house and increased house allowances... Please I'm I over reacting?
We've been married for a year and half.

1. Interesting that you identified what you wanted.

2. Hmmmmmm, he did not stick to the plan. Why didn't he raise his objections instead?

3. Thanks for acknowledging you did not date which means you don't know him. Now, I am surprised how he could tick your checkbox if you did not know him. Care to share what you saw?

4. Plans again Saving to furnish the house and a car thereafter

5. Your discipline towards achieving a goal is commendable.

6. A pattern is developing... He agrees a plan with you and at the last minute.... doesn't stick to it.

7. Hmmmm

8. I understand how you fell, however, let's leave out the correlation between loyalty and brokeness.

9. Fantastic

10. I don't understand this part. He was giving you N5k weekly. Are you saying you now collect an increased amount weekly?

Excesslove222,
I appreciate your honesty.

Like you noted, you did not court yourself before you got married else you would have noticed that he doesn't stick to plans with you if they are not inline with his will. This could be because he dosen't want wahala so he says yes and does what he will, he feels you are ITK and wants to show you he is the 'man' or he is fickle and changes his mind at will.

Now, you have to know which of the above applies and work accordingly.

I also want you to know that plans change so be flexible however, the change should be communicated so that everyone owns the change and runs with it.

When next you are making plans, ask your husband what he wants/ what his goals are in a particular matter so you understand what he is looking at.

None of us is perfect, take this weakness of his and work with it.

LewsTherin:
Well, I have to disagree with you. Although I can only make my opinions from the only information we have, and that coming from the woman herself. We have nothing from the husband, we have nothing from an impartial arbiter. And so until we can get some of those, I'll work with what we have.

Also I am assuming they both actually made those plans and not that she is just assuming some discussion made on the fly was actual planning.

The husband borrowed to spend more on their wedding than they both agreed. Lady was willing to sew her wedding dresses herself. Sounds to me that it's the guy who is more into showing off.

After my first child in Lagos and seeing what those with children around me go through, a car is not a luxury. It's a bloody necessity. Especially in the last stages of pregnancy.

So if I have been going through a phase in life where the solution to this oh so pressing difficult situation I am in is expectedly just around the corner (according to our family plan), then there is cause for angst.

But like I first said, all this is based on the assumption that what she said is factual and accurate. We don't know if yhere are other issues at play beyond what she said.

let's be honest here.
Do you think a show off will want education or a car first?
Also,a car is a necessity we all know that but what if you can't afford that necessity?
So wives of bus conductors,how do they do when they get pregnant?
I still stand with the man though even though you are right about most of what you've said.

Excesslove222:
I appreciate your scolding... But trust me I won't be bothered if he has a history in making good financial decisions.
Looking at Nigeria today, the future belong to smart entrepreneurs...
Even the people that support him...still come to me behind his back and say I'm actually right....but they will go to his face and tell him "women don't have foresight"...

He has refused to see that we are in this together and if anything goes wrong, me and my children will bear the brunt.

I'm not a feminist but I won't bear the brunt of a bad financial decision.

And about being entitled... My father trained us never to be entitled to anything, not even his own cash...I can do bad all by myself...I just wanted to build an empire with him " from the scratch" I guess I'm with the wrong person.
Or maybe building with a man is a scam.

Careful. You are beginning to sound bitter. You won't get anywhere like that. If there is one thing that will put a man's back up (any man at all) is to address him out of bitterness.

Can you please answer the question I asked up there? I still want to have a clearer picture.

bukatyne:
Like you noted, you did not court yourself before you got married else you would have noticed that he doesn't stick to plans with you if they are not inline with his will. This could be because he dosen't want wahala so he says yes and does what he will, he feels you are ITK and wants to show you he is the 'man' or he is fickle and changes his mind at will.

.

Exactly. She may come across as being very opinionated. "My way is always right"

So far, your plans here are for the family. We also see some of your own dreams. Do you know what his dreams are?

nwanneni:
would you do it for your husband?
Be honest!

Do what?

Change plans on him halfway?

Nope.

We are one.

Excesslove222:
I appreciate your scolding... But trust me I won't be bothered if he has a history in making good financial decisions.
Looking at Nigeria today, the future belong to smart entrepreneurs...
Even the people that support him...still come to me behind his back and say I'm actually right....but they will go to his face and tell him "women don't have foresight"...

He has refused to see that we are in this together and if anything goes wrong, me and my children will bear the brunt.

I'm not a feminist but I won't bear the brunt of a bad financial decision.

And about being entitled... My father trained us never to be entitled to anything, not even his own cash...I can do bad all by myself...I just wanted to build an empire with him " from the scratch" I guess I'm with the wrong person.
Or maybe building with a man is a scam.

You cannot always have your way, your obsession with getting a vehicle at this time is not justified especially if you place it beside his own goal to advance himself.

Like I said, the future belongs to those who plan, getting a degree is never a waste of time, even if you do not see the need for it at the moment , in future you will reap the fruits.

You are always at home and the car will only be a status symbol, you do not eat your seed, you invest/plant it.

If he gets a better job after getting his degree you guys will buy plenty cars, there is something called delayed gratification.

I asked you some questions but you avoided them, Are you saying everybody staying around your place has a car ? Are they not surviving ? A car is not something you buy and stop spending, you will spend even more money to fix things and service the car so dont be so carried away with a car.

I hope you can be objective and see your husband is only trying to secure the future for you , goodluck .

calgaryFriend:
You guys are still struggling to survive, and you still want to buy car. Do you think it is paper they use to service a car ?
A car maintenance cost money, instead of buying a car that will still make you spend money on the maintenance why not invest that money in getting another degree that will help your husband to get a better job in future.

That man is a man of vision, most poor people are poor because they live in the present, the fact there is no job now does not mean after he gets the degree it will remain the same.

You dont rush to get a degree when you see a vacancy, you get your degree and wait patiently so when the vacancy for that degreee comes you can use it.

I just feel very sorry for your husband, you are not complaining that he is womanising, or smoking or drinking. You want to turn your marriage up-side down because he wants to pursue a degree rather than buy a car.

Did your own parent have a car when they were pregnant with you ? Did they not survive ? Are you telling me all the families around your location all have cars ?Are they not surviving ?

YOu want to follow all the old women on this forum who are still begging God for husband at almost 40years old, those are the people you want to be listening to ?

Oya recieve sense......

You seem not to get the point... Or maybe you just choose not to...drinking and smoking is not the bone of contention here and even tho he does it, its not a deal breaker for me...

I'm not from a wretched family if you must know.

His BSC has been sitting pretty in a "my clear bag" for more than 10 years and he wants to add MSC to it.

I really hope he knows what he is doing for his own sake.

nwanneni:
The bolded is the reason I will never accept a Kobo from any female.
They will contribute 5% and make noise like they brought all the money.
So according to you na FROM TIME TO TIME input your husband take build that savings ba
Let him do as he pleases to advance himself.yoy should make some money too so you can build yourself as well then y'all meet half way.
Goodluck

Is this about accepting money from women or about sticking to plans?

Na wa for you.

Your lack of objectivity on this thread is alarming.

She is not complaining of money, she is complaining of him not sticking to plan.

ebonyggurl:
What is this one saying?
You sound re.tarded.
A husband doesn't have to listen to his wife or take her opinion into consideration before making a big decision? Are you married? Ever gotten a woman pregnant? If you have, then you'd know that a car is necessary in this situation. She clearly stated that there is nothing wrong with him going for his masters degree. The timing is simply wrong. What happens when he is in the lecture hall and she goes into labour and there's no car axailable?

If you know the person you are discussing with, you will apologise and withdraw that statement.
This internet sha, you get to meet a lot of specimen, and everyone believes they can address you anyhow because of the annonymity of the internet.

Well, I will advise you to learn to be more couth while addressing people especially strangers, you never know whom you are talking to.

Excesslove222:
I appreciate your scolding... But trust me I won't be bothered if he has a history in making good financial decisions.
Looking at Nigeria today, the future belong to smart entrepreneurs...
Even the people that support him...still come to me behind his back and say I'm actually right....but they will go to his face and tell him "women don't have foresight"...

He has refused to see that we are in this together and if anything goes wrong, me and my children will bear the brunt.

I'm not a feminist but I won't bear the brunt of a bad financial decision.

And about being entitled... My father trained us never to be entitled to anything, not even his own cash...I can do bad all by myself...I just wanted to build an empire with him " from the scratch" I guess I'm with the wrong person.
Or maybe building with a man is a scam.

Please calm down.

bukatyne:
Is this about accepting money from women or about sticking to plans?

Na wa for you.

Your lack of objectivity on this thread is alarming.

She is not complaining of money, she is complaining of him not sticking to plan.

we are revolving around the same thing.
His money is his and he can change his mind anytime on how he chose to spend it!wisely of course.
So yeah,changing his mind abruptly is allowed

LewsTherin:
Careful. You are beginning to sound bitter. You won't get anywhere like that. If there is one thing that will put a man's back up (any man at all) is to address him out of bitterness.

Can you please answer the question I asked up there? I still want to have a clearer picture.

@bold very true.

I wish spouses do everything to preserve the initial eagerness to please.

LewsTherin:
Exactly. She may come across as being very opinionated. "My way is always right"

So far, your plans here are for the family. We also see some of your own dreams. Do you know what his dreams are?

Then he should have said dear... XYZ rather than agree and fickle out next minute.

I also dislike that he uses her to achieve his goals and then deviate the plan to suit himself. If he wanted them to shine during their wedding, why didn't he tell her to flex and buy a nice gown since he would end up borrowing?

nwanneni:
let's be honest here.
Do you think a show off will want education or a car first?
Also,a car is a necessity we all know that but what if you can't afford that necessity?
So wives of bus conductors,how do they do when they get pregnant?
I still stand with the man though even though you are right about most of what you've said.

Well thanks for that. But how do you go from saying I am right in what I say, to chucking it all away and still going with the man?

What I am taking from your point about the conductors' wives is that since other people are suffering, she should also suffer even though she has worked out a way out of suffering?

calgaryFriend:
If you know the person you are discussing with, you will apologise and withdraw that statement.
This internet sha, you get to meet a lot of specimen, and everyone believes they can address you anyhow because of the annonymity of the internet.

Well, I will advise you to learn to be more couth while addressing people especially strangers, you never know whom you are talking to.

Lolz. Sorry. Whoever you are, some of your points are kind of silly though Didn't answer the question

LewsTherin:
I have a question. And I need you to think very carefully before answering.

I'm not.insulting or berating you. I just need info to understand you and maybe share my opinions and experience.

Did you both sit down, work out a plan and both agree to it as a plan to be followed?

Or did you both talk about somethings you both would like to achieve and you chose to think of it as a family plan?

We sat down, worked out a PLAN ( this way because there were so many naysayers that believed he won't make a great husband) I came in to BUILD.

When there wasn't enough, he was always assuring and assuring and even telling me the amount remaining to complete the car purchase...

If I had known he wanted to further, we won't even be having this issue in the first place.

bukatyne:
Then he should have said dear... XYZ rather than agree and fickle out next minute.

I also dislike that he uses her to achieve his goals and then deviate the plan to suit himself. If he wanted them to shine during their wedding, why didn't he tell her to flex and buy a nice gown since he would end up borrowing?

Yes. That's why I am trying to find out if they both agreed to the plan or if she just believes that they did.

I also want to know if she knows that her husband has goals and if she knows what those goals are

nwanneni:
we are revolving around the same thing.
His money is his and he can change his mind anytime on how he chose to spend it!wisely of course.
So yeah,changing his mind abruptly is allowed

Really?

I see.

LewsTherin:
Yes. That's why I am trying to find out if they both agreed to the plan or if she just believes that they did.

I also want to know if she knows that her husband has goals and if she knows what those goals are

And how are you doing?

Longest time

bukatyne:
And how are you doing?

Longest time

I am pursuing a family dream that is keeping me away from family!

I've been away from home for about 2 weeks. Longest period ever. And I still have more than a month at least to go! Sucks like hell.

But my Lady and I worked this out years ago and are only now just able to put it in play. I for one believe in sticking to plans. I'm old fashioned that way, I guess.

I know some spontaneous people and my life. And one very close to me prefers to plan and change plans on the fly. His wife though has learned to live with that or understood that part of him before they got married and so tends to subsume her own plans within his. Not easy for her, but somehow, they get it to work. And they are observably happy as a family. Successful too.

Guess OP should think along those lines seeing as she didn't know who her guy was before they tied it up.

Hope you are grooving life too.

LewsTherin:
I am pursuing a family dream that is keeping me away from family!

I've been away from home for about 2 weeks. Longest period ever. And I still have more than a month at least to go! Sucks like hell.

But my Lady and I worked this out years ago and are only now just able to put it in play. I for one believe in sticking to plans. I'm old fashioned that way, I guess.

I know some spontaneous people and my life. And one very close to me prefers to plan and change plans on the fly. His wife though has learned to live with that or understood that part of him before they got married and so tends to subsume her own plans within his. Not easy for her, but somehow, they get it to work. And they are observably happy as a family. Successful too.

Guess OP should think along those lines seeing as she didn't know who her guy was before they tied it up.

This cold weather , feeling for my sister.

OP needs to learn how to be super flexible and change plans on the go

Blanket plenty for house.

Excesslove222:
Yes...I do not put anything into the savings because I do not have a steady income for now, but I add my finances from time to time for efficient running of the house (cause what he brings usually isn't enough).

We had a plan, from the inception of our union, even before our marriage...I'm just hurt that blessings are starting to come and he has decided to do what suits him forsaking the family goals.

I'll be honest with you, your husband probably believes it's in his right to do what he wants with the savings since he alone contributed to it. I'm not implying this is exactly what is making him change his mind, but you should consider that possibility.

As for plans, plans can change and he should have carried you along from the start.
If he considers a masters degree more important than a car, ask him when & how he intends to get the car then.

Another thing I might need clarification on is where he intends to do the masters. Although I have not gone through every comment, I did see some talking about the masters being in Nigeria. If this is the case, then I honestly don't see this as a big set back.

The cost for the masters will not take up all the savings for the car right?