₦airaland Forum

hysteriabox:
HI.
Going by these reasons...
1. Since your faith is paramount, then I advice that you involve your church elders instead of social media opinions
2. Being in a broken home should not inspire fear to keep walking in torment. If by 40,you are not peacefully enjoying your home, I wonder what else you would do for peace
3. The desolution of marriage isn't rocket science. It can be done, and quickly. The thing is maybe your other reasons haven't allowed you look at this option.

Its your call. You can be unhappy to the end or be happy. If your side of the story is anything to go by, then you have to act fast.
Life is too short for perpetual unhappiness

Thanks for your advice

Philpham:
OP has not told anybody the truth about his marriage.

What other truth do you want than me sincerely admitting that I was vocally abusive

Lexusgs430:
By the time she has not returned in 2 years, the marriage is technically Over....

Tunagee...........

Of course, going by the law.

ffo:
Both parties want the marriage to continue. And this issue can be sorted out. Divorce is not the answer to every marriage problems. Dialogue and understands is the key

Thanks for your support. I just don't like to hear that couples are divorcing

Tunagee:
I will do just that, Omotayor123. I appreciate greatly, your feedback

My pleasure. I love d fact that u own up to your mistake. May God bless you and your home.

ffo:
I have observed that most marital issues been discussed here on NL, more than 70% of the suggestions and advises are always DIVORCE. some people may divorce more than 20 times if they keep divorcing at any slightest provocation.

Divorce is what I don't even want, in spite of what is happening. I caused it all.

ffo:
I have observed that most marital issues been discussed here on NL, more than 70% of the suggestions and advises are always DIVORCE. some people may divorce more than 20 times if they keep divorcing at any slightest provocation.

Divorce is what I don't even want, in spite of what is happening. I caused it all so I can't divorce her. She has the right to be angry.

petitejolie:
Is she d one feeding u since u lost ur job? I think u shouldn't force it. This is an opportunity to focus on yourself as u continue to pray for your marriage.

After I lost my job, I still paid my sons school fee for 3 terms and I also ensured I put food on the table. I had a barbing salon running, though not doing too well. She barely fed me cos my savings and pensions helped us till she left

megareal:
Why is nobody seeing that the OP verbally abused his wife, got angry and impatient at her for the slightest things? The woman probably had enough of being viewed as less than nothing and vamoosed to get a much needed peace and self pride back.
If you guys know just how terrible verbal abuse is, you wouldn't be blaming the woman. She probably is smart enough to have realized the effect his words were having on her emotionally and psychologically and made that decision.

OP, forget the myopic and one sided advice from blind and moronic individuals here, go to your wife and tell her what she really wants you to say; a promise that you will not abuse her in anyway again. A reaffirmation that she is human and can be prone to shortcomings but that you still love and respect her with all that. She needs you to change your condescending attitude towards her, you are just too shortsighted to see it.

Thanks for your advice. I would do just that.

mechanics:
We should have kept it cool with her, you knew any short coming's won't be easily forgotten like that, so that's what she's using against you, if she's on whatspp you can chat up with her and tell her you won't do what you did again and most importantly pray for her.

Thanks. Though I did all that,but she eventually blocks me

gringrin:
Guy let me not lie to you. The way men value looks is the way women value words.

Emotional and verbal abuse makes a woman to lose the love and respect she has for a man. It kills love and even kills a woman faster.

Forget what people are telling you. Learn to respect your woman, accept her for who she is, complement her and learn to hold back your words when angry.

Women are to be honoured. You are about losing a good woman. Act fast and experience heaven in your marriage. Peace.

Thanks

AwkaetitiBabe:
@Tunagee I may not be married but I have a simple advise for you... Simply live your life. Try to get the negativity out and concentrate on making yourself better. It's obvious your wife is all about the good times and not the bad. Take advantage of the space and simply take care of yourself. Stop interacting with her family, stop telling family your problems... Simply lock up. Don't even call her.

Just try to be happy, I'm sure she'll reach out when she realizes she abandoned her family.

Thanks for the advice pretty. It would go a long way for me when I do just that. I appreciate a lot of wisdom from a beautiful woman like you.

Tellemall:
You're verbally abusive and you wonder why she ran away. You even boldly say she's not intelligent. That's why you thought she would be stupid enough to continue taking insults from you. Now she's been intelligent enough to go away, and you're pursuing her and acting like the world is over. She has been through a lot.

Did you know that the best advice to a person who is abused is for the abused to leave the abuser? You're so horrible she had to leave. Process that.

You do not seem to get your problem. You are the problem. It's not her mother who is wise enough to know that an abusive marriage is not a marriage for her daughter . You are verbally abusive. Even if you follow the crooked advice to get another wife, the broom you used to chase your wife away will chase the next one, too. Your wife is there to teach you to be less abusive but you cannot even accept your faults and work on them.

You call yourself a Christian, but your attitude of verbal abuse is not Christ like. The Bible says you should make peace with all men, but your "pastor" told you to ignore your wife and because it is what you are made of you agreed with faulty advice. He's dictating terms for you. If your wife listened to her pastor the way you do, you would call her unintelligent and easily influenced by others, the way you claim her mother is doing. Is that how your unique brand of Christianity told you to live? Or is it that you have never read your Bible and what it said about living peacefully? Some Christian you are.

As your mother in law told you: go and make some money.

And in addition, learn to stop abusing your wife. That is never intelligent.

Tellemall, thanks for the hard truth. But one thing I want u to realize is that I admitted it was all my fault and know I was the problem. I also accept responsibility for my action that is enough reason that I am remorse, and not what you indicated below.

Your wife is there to teach you to be less abusive but you cannot even accept your faults and work on them.

I came to this thread so as to get scolded with the hard truth and learn my lesson, and this you have done. I appreciate it more than u think.

Tunagee:
Thanks for your support. I just don't like to hear that couples are divorcing

May God strengthens you and give you the grace to sort it out. God bless you

godliman:
You said you are a Christian right? Here are my own opinion.
1. Pray to God for a new job or the wisdom to create one.
2. Keep visiting your wife and show her all the love you can as the bible commands
3. If in the past you have out of frustration or anger used some unpleasant words on her or family, please apologize to them.
4 Pray for your marriage and wait patiently for God to work.
5. Remember as a Christian, except for adultery, divorce is ruled out. Besides once divorced you cant remarry.
6. I am sure your faith is being tried in the furnace, let the fire refine your character and not ruin it. So avoid frustrations and be thankful even for the little God still gives.
7. Your wife's claim that you don't allow her to work, if true has to be rescinded. If could have been helpful now.
8. Your wife is proving to you that her love for you is not unconditional, yet learn to love her unconditionally, despite this sad discovery.
9. If you have excessively used your veto power as a husband, and she feel oppressed, consider listening to her concerns and relaxing your grip, but still maintain your principles if they are humane and sensible.
God will soon lift up your head and cover you with his glory. Have faith

Thank you very much for your advice, godliman. I'm really inspired.av tried some of the things u listed, and am still praying. Thanks again Sir.

Tunagee:
I must confess bro, I was totally abusive with my utterances cos I was usually provoked, and allowed my emotions to overwhelm me. A night before she left, I also scolded her angrily using phrases like ''hate you'' ''your mother killed her stepson'' and
that ''you have mouth odour''. I am 100% guilty of abuse cos of my business not doing well, and also cos she was no longer willing to discuss with me whenever I scolded her abusively. She only used the opportunity to leave since things were equally not picking up. My kinda person, I always say things the way they are, I don't paint blue, black. I always admit when am wrong, and very straightforward. The truth is, I did not have the emotional
intelligence to manage my home. Being a woman too, who could not manage or control her man, she left immaturely.

You told her that her mother killed her stepson and that you hate her? Your bad mouth no be here ooo

Tunagee:
Thanks. Though I did all that,but she eventually blocks me

it's well bro, just keep praying for her, she will come to her sense one day, her mother is the one controlling her.

neyobills:
Let me advice you from personal experience if your own side of the story is as true as it seems.

One thing every man, must, realise either single or married is that, every lady has a plan B so stay a step ahead of their games make sure u have a plan C.

Having a plan C might not be your thing due to your religious and personal lifestyle however this is exactly where they come in handy to help you heal from the emotional trauma that's why real men never stop exploring even when married because never say never is an, alien when it comes to women issues.

The reason I am, writing this is because u have been sincere enough to admit your flaws and you it's obvious you would rather have your wife back,most importantly I want you to heal, because u need to heal before u can start to be useful, even if u get a great job in this state of mind chances are your productivity will be low which is not great for financial stability.

In my own opinion due to my experience here is what u need to do.


1.Hustle harder not because of her but just because u might just be about to start a, whole new life entirely all over again which means two families in proxy and therefore more responsibilities.

2.Make sure u send something to your son through her as much as u can much preferably monthly at least not because it convenient but she won't be able to play the irresponsible card on you if the cookie crumbles.

3.Explore,life is too short to be fixated on some woman get a new wardrobe and keep yourself busy,dont be on a revenge plan to be in haste for just any lady, take your time and be open minded,be in a NSA relationship with her,you need some companionship and good sex to make you heal,however u might as well decided not to be sexual based on your discretion.

After u are healed them take a, pen and piece, or paper and write down what u have, gained from her so far and what u might have lost,will u be better off without her,every good businessman,will analyse his ROI on any business and if a business is not as buoyant as u thought it should then u diversify.

Dont call her unnecessarily but make sure u do at least once in a month just to ask after your kids,goof around,be relaxed when talking to her and not so uptight,act as if nothing happened and u all good.


Lastly if your wife returns which I hope and pray happens soon because that's your dream anyway make sure there is NO SEX WHATSOEVER,for at least 3 months after her return so you would have slim chances of been responsible for another man's pregnancy at, it's worst,here is where your plan bees and sees come in as contingency and u won't appear as some needy thirsty little fox.

Thanks so much @neyobills. You sound very much like a business man who is ever prepared against turbulence,or a business man who has budgeted for future losses if it arises. I like your approach to life, very principled and flexible. God bless u real good. I ve read useful comments, yours also hit me. You are appreciated. I will take note and put into practice.

purples25:
I'm not happy with this woman, that is, if this story is actually true.

See time now, to settle issues. She is doing as she wants. Family doing their marriage like its not a serious manner. Treating the man as if he has no authority.

The thing that is sad is that, now, if this man divorces her and marries another woman, she will disturb them day and night saying that she is supposed to reap the fruit of her labour. We women feel we can go and come at the expense of someone else's life and plans. We should try to change.

Not easy, the picture is hazy, I hope the marriage gets saved in fairness to each party.

Thanks Babe. You are so pretty. I was actually abusive due to my vocal utterances towards her , so I like to balance issues so it won't be as though am painting myself innocent. Thanks dear

IhateInjustice:
Don't mind him, too full of himself... He doesn't know that verbal abuse have the same effect as beating, if not worst.

He claimed the wife was lying against him to his in-law but from the look of things it's not true. He is shocked that his wife could open up to her family about his real character.

Op, you are a Narcissist ...you are the one with a problem . You make excuses of verbally abusing her but capitalize on the fact that she opened up to her family, what exactly do you want, for her to die silently while your unemployed self call her unintelligent and God knows what else you call her.

I agree am abusive. She used to provoke me a lot, but av learnt my lesson.

miib:
t

You a wise man! Don't mind all these small boys telling you to divorce your wife oo, is either they have not married or they grew up in a broken home. Paraventure u marry another one and she starts misbehaving too? You divorce that too and re-marry.

Is there no room for amendment or repair again! Must I throw everything that is bad away??

Pls sir, try settle your home. May God be with you.

I appreciate your response, and will do as you advised

roliks99:
I support the person dat said it might be the devil.....pls nd pls dnt slack in the place of prayer most of those shouting divorce dnt even know wha it truly means nd its consequences..... sometimes God needs us to request with our own mouth

Exactly. Thanks.

megareal:
No, you spare me the crap.

The OP has admitted on different pages that he bullied her verbally on most occasions. He repeatedly affirmed that she is well brought up. He never said she answered or abused him back. His frustrations at losing his job probably had him behaving that way. I don't believe money is the issue here because OP was also responsible for the family upkeep even when out of a job while she was teaching.

Don't stay in your blind environment and assume without evidence that the woman is wrong. The fact that you are a man and you hate women shouldn't make you too close minded to realities and truth. In marriage most often, women are blamed even if they are saints. The men behave far worse yet are praised and supported.

The woman is staying away just so he can have sense but he is too proud and still holding unto his cocky and condescending attitude towards her. That's why he is making half hearted efforts at getting her back. The woman knows he hasn't changed, that's why she is not budging. Jeez. How difficult is it to understand that?

Finally, if a woman verbally abused a man repeatedly, you would be the FTC on Nairaland telling the man to separate or divorce because the woman does not love him and lacks home training. Just, just, stop operating the double standard, it stinks.

I made efforts to appease her from sept 2018 to January 2019, but she was unwilling and was adamant saying she has no time for marriage and that she lost her brother. Pls if I was proud, I won't have been begging by kneeling to her at her mother's place. This is in addition to the several appeal messages to her pleading.
If i was proud, i wont have been visiting consistently for 4months, despite no result.This should answer your question below.

That's why he is making half hearted efforts at getting her back. The woman knows he hasn't changed, that's why she is not budging. Jeez. How difficult is it to understand that?

As simple as what i wrote


uote author=Tunagee post=80443838]

How do u mean?[/quote]

Tunagee:
Tellemall, thanks for the hard truth. But one thing I want u to realize is that I admitted it was all my fault and know I was the problem. I also accept responsibility for my action that is enough reason that I am remorse, and not what you indicated below.

Your wife is there to teach you to be less abusive but you cannot even accept your faults and work on them.

I came to this thread so as to get scolded with the hard truth and learn my lesson, and this you have done. I appreciate it more than u think.

I hope you can not only appreciate it, but actually change to become a better man.

You did say that you have a problem, but from your first line to the end you described loudly a terrible woman while only whispering the truth about yourself once.

Apologize to your wife and make amends. How can your pastor dictate the terms of your marriage to you, don't you have a Bible? Read it!

Stop looking down on her. She is not as unintelligent as you might think. Drop your ego that you are more intelligent than her. It's a marriage and not a competition of your IQs. You are meant to complement each other Sometimes love makes people take a lot of crap from their spouses in the belief that tolerance is the way forward. When you make her your friend and appreciate her she will stand by you through thick and thin. Stop abusing her in any form. That's not what God designed men to do in their families.

Forget all the misguided advice from some in here that you must never make your own wife important in your life. Who else should be your most important relationship after God? These are people who are merely in boyfriend and girlfriend relationships and believe in dating and discarding in search of the perfect person who does not exist.

Beey:
Based on your explanation, I can see you dipped your feet in hot water.Being a woman myself, I believe a woman’s job among many, should be to cover her husband’s weaknesses while he does the same for her.I don’t know her side of story but I see some serious issues.Seems like you married a woman who cannot cover her household.She Cannot keep her mouth shut & will say all sorts of things about her husband to anyone who cares to listen. Issue number 2 is that she’s her mother’s puppet.I have been rebuking the spirit of momma’s boy.None should should come telling me stories.Woe unto you, you got yourself a mommy’s girl.It’s now as if you married her mother because your wife cannot make any decisions independently without her mother’s input. Number 3 she’s a character assassin.By the time she’s done dragging your name in the mud, you’ll know you didn’t know her as you thought you did.Number 4 is that she sounds materialistic.All was ok till you lost your job.I don’t know what religion you belong to but I know in Christianity couples vow to be together for better or worse, in sickness and in health & in poverty or riches.These days those words have no meaning.People don’t think whether the sickness could be either physical or mental.At the 1st test they are out the door, no commitment.With that said, I’d suggest you go to your wife’s home with some elders.Enough begging already.Let her know that you are giving her a deadline .Let her know by what date she should be home, failure to which you & your people will no longer consider her a wife & will start filing for divorce.Should she come back, I think you’ll need marital counseling classes. Good luck!

Thanks for the feedback

babeosisi:
Make one more attempt
Call her and apologize for being verbally abusive and decide to stop being abusive and then double up efforts to find a job or start something.
If she doesn't come back,you forget her and move on with your life ,you would have tried your best.
It takes 2 to be in a marriage.You can't force her
Her mother is obviously foolish
One of 8 wives,she obviously doesn't know what love or marriage is with her community marriage and is in no place to advise her daughter properly.
Tell your mother to stop going to beg them.They are not your life.
Be a man and determine to forge ahead.
You won't do well in any job interviews going with a defeated attitude.
Time to build up your self esteem,hang out with people that speak positive things into you and those who lift you up. .look up to Christ if you are a Christian.
I wish you the best

Thanks for the spirit lifting message. I appreciate

AnthonyAk:
do you have a job now? Maybe thats the issue , how can one be at home for 2 years?

Currently into agency banking, started since Oct last yr.

SirVintageCock:
But you are here begging my nairaland goons to save your sorry ass marriage or your fvcked up jobless conscience.

Get a job dude. If after she left, you still ain't got no job. Common men!!!!!!!!

You don't have to be rude bro!
Just your valid opinion needed here.

Bagehot:
He is a joke? He should get a life? He is tied to his mother's apron string? All because he lost his job and still wants his family together?

If u don't have any healthy comments, why don't u just bypass the thread!!!!

Pharmjossy:
Saw this post; was sent to me by my brother who saw similarity with my situation. You must have put in lots of effort and sent lots of representations to her. I guess ur FIL is late. The real problem is with ur MIL. She wields a strong influence over ur wife throughout the duration of u marriage. She's been all ears for ur wife during times of differences with ur wife. Besides your wife may not hv any other friend she confides in aside from ur MIL.
You can't kill Ur MIL. She remains ur MIL.
Your wife has become Unreachable since her mother blocks approach to her.
She is now a sales girl to her aunt( she prefers to be a servant to her mother than enjoy freedom in ur house).
You've not said if u have children so far and where they are now, if yes.
U said well when u considered ur age and the process of divorce which is unthinkable (fine).
You are a GOOD man like me. And that's the problem.
Good men go to hell while Bad boys go to heaven.
Being Good man has not helped us. But becoming a bad boy is easy but not at old age. We've become calcified(completely formed as good boys).
Have u been screwing women this past 10 months. If yes. Then how would the good GIRL cope. Something must be amis (except for rare few).
You have done what u outh to have done.
My Suggestion, not mine but the LORD'S. I know I have his spirit.:
IT IS REAL THAT UR WIFE WILL NEVER SUFFER WITH U BUT EAT WITH U. She will only return when u've got the money. So, let her exercise her freedom as long as her mother lives. God forbids, something really bad happens to the mother, then her eyes will open. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF n LOOK GOOD. TRAVEL Stay with ur good-distant friend n GET a JOB. Stay off the grid of social media for 3 months n bar off calls to ur real line. Operate with a new sim. God, our God of Good men will bless ur loving heart.

loving this comment
You seem to be a part of my family as you put it exactly the way its happening. FIL is late, and MIL controls my.wife so much.

Pharmjossy:
Saw this post; was sent to me by my brother who saw similarity with my situation. You must have put in lots of effort and sent lots of representations to her. I guess ur FIL is late. The real problem is with ur MIL. She wields a strong influence over ur wife throughout the duration of u marriage. She's been all ears for ur wife during times of differences with ur wife. Besides your wife may not hv any other friend she confides in aside from ur MIL.
You can't kill Ur MIL. She remains ur MIL.
Your wife has become Unreachable since her mother blocks approach to her.
She is now a sales girl to her aunt( she prefers to be a servant to her mother than enjoy freedom in ur house).
You've not said if u have children so far and where they are now, if yes.
U said well when u considered ur age and the process of divorce which is unthinkable (fine).
You are a GOOD man like me. And that's the problem.
Good men go to hell while Bad boys go to heaven.
Being Good man has not helped us. But becoming a bad boy is easy but not at old age. We've become calcified(completely formed as good boys).
Have u been screwing women this past 10 months. If yes. Then how would the good GIRL cope. Something must be amis (except for rare few).
You have done what u outh to have done.
My Suggestion, not mine but the LORD'S. I know I have his spirit.:
IT IS REAL THAT UR WIFE WILL NEVER SUFFER WITH U BUT EAT WITH U. She will only return when u've got the money. So, let her exercise her freedom as long as her mother lives. God forbids, something really bad happens to the mother, then her eyes will open. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF n LOOK GOOD. TRAVEL Stay with ur good-distant friend n GET a JOB. Stay off the grid of social media for 3 months n bar off calls to ur real line. Operate with a new sim. God, our God of Good men will bless ur loving heart.

You seem to know exactly what is happening. FIL is late
MIL is in charge, wife is mummy's puppet, and so on