₦airaland Forum

Jaymaestro:
I have always wondered if it's a downside to being a phlegmatic person ..

phlegmatic007:
No bro, there are things that only a phlegmatic can do and no other temperament can.

so whatever nature a person is they should never try to change who they are, cause if they did they will just become a fake.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

jaxxy:
U are in the right track as much as sm of us may like reserved women it doesn’t mean it shudnt be balanced. A extremely reserved Can be a major issue and even a bore in certain situations.

I like to as doesn’t she work or go to work? Meet people and interact?

For me I’d shes not under sm medically diagnosed anxiety problem then Smtn is fishy I wud be very careful especially when u mention she can be stubborn. She needs to come out of her shell, with that thought in mind try giving her sm achohol she should loosen up abit. Obeserve and teach her then.

The truth is no matter how u like a lady we are different, sm guys love good communication and interaction and sm just want a quiet baby factory.

U obviously want more and expect more and yes it will be key in the success of ur marriage and compatibility per adventure u marry her. U are not the private type and neither the type that Hides his wife like most cheating/randy men who wud love to have a silent baby factory and cook so they can have a promiscuous ways confidently outside.

For me Smtn is highly suspicious with this woman and I’m not buying that I’m quiet/reserved thing/story just yet. She might be hiding Smtn. Is she spiritual and does she interact well in church setting? That’s If Ure Christian.

tpia:
Don't start, this is too primitive.

I didn't read the other crap in your post.

Truckpusher:
I don't really you.

Why can't you guys just respect boundaries and still coexist peacefully.

I personally hate going to church I dislike attending weddings, birthday parties in fact anything that will force me out of my comfort zone to socialize with people in large group turns me off and my wife knew how to let me be and not after we had our fights when she noticed initially.
She can't change her life entirely simply because she's getting married to you nau.

baby124:
Op,
Please just leave her alone. Compatibility is very important. If she’s not willing to meet your family and friends then that is a big warning sign. Just let her go her own way. Every normal girl will be fighting their man to introduce them to family and friends because it shows that they are interested in commitment with the man. And that the man takes them seriously or wants to marry them. It also shows that they are willing to be part of his life and vice versa.

Please and please don’t marry anybody that will isolate you from your family and friends, except there is a good reason for it. Let her go and find a guy like her, who wants to be isolated. I am a family person, not so much friends. Anyone that did not make an effort to be comfortable around and even love my family was immediately cancelled. I had no interest in marrying anyone that will cause trouble with me and my family.

Now that you are unmarried, is the time to look well and figure out what you can live with. Don’t use sentiments and pity to marry. Once you are in it, we can only advice you how to make it work.

baby124:
She has ISSUES! This is not shyness. A shy person will go to the event and may not mingle as much. This one behaves like she has a mental disorder. This is extreme my dear. Don’t mistake mental disorders for shyness. Shy people go out and function in the world. They work, they attend events. This one that can not be around people, Is who you want him to marry. If he was your brother trying to marry a girl that is running from all of you like she has something to hide, will you not be concerned?

She obviously has a lot to hide. She’s not a child she’s 24! She by now should have seen enough of life to know how to handle herself in a social setting. She is even Nigerian and Nigerians are very social people, that if you are shy you would have known how to blend by 24.

It’s Either that she has something to hide, she has mental issues or this is the tone she wants to set before marriage and will give him trouble for attending these functions after marriage.

baby124:
Lol. That’s the other extreme. Those ones who fight everybody . At least that one allowed you to enter the house to show you pepper. This one will not let you enter

don't be fool, you will see the true her after one child.

Funkybabee:
hmmmmm


they are the type that won't want a visitor to stay in their house.

reason very well

seanjy4konji:
Leave that lady alone...

Later in life?she will find a way of making your avoid your own family and then you are doomed...

By the time your family have access to youthe slow poison would have had effect and your elder sister will fight her way into the house to pick you up to hospital cos of the love where you will probably give up the ghost..

she might come to hospital then asking if you have done your will...

philip0906:
See them!

They can type with fire and brimstone behind keypads of phones but will claim in real life, they are anti social sociopaths...Yeye

koyyes:
Op, your girlfriend could be a melancholic/phlegmatic or probably a combination of the two. Go and do your research on these personality temperaments.

Sensible people here have advised you on what to do. This is not a trait that can disappear but it can be managed. You just have to help her through it with a mature approach as have been advised.

But if you are not patient because you want a tear rubber extrovert trophy wife like mercy of bbn, biko allow the girl go and look for your type.

By the time you find your type, dem no go ask you where your girlfriend dey. Your friends go enjoy am wella.

Good luck.

midnighter:
You don't need to be rude, did I quote you?

You can decide to take hold of your problems at any age, stop promoting victim mentality

If she's old enough to find a partner and maintain a relationship then she's old enough to take control of her personal issues.

If you don't know there are people with such severe social issues that they can't even interact with the opposite sex or someone they like

Don't bother quoting me again since you don't know how to talk

Hello @ginaolo,

I had planned writing an epistle because all I saw in the first pages of the thread was sympathy and people telling you to endure with your anxiety disordered fiancée until I saw the later pages which had knowledgeable comments.

To the females who are suffering from a similar disorder [i](not being reserved, or shy now. Those ones are minor behavioral patterns) [/i]and pacifying themselves, try to visit a sound psychiatrist and you would come back to thank me.

First, anxiety disorder may be hereditary or developed over time from the society. It is developed when a person feels hopeless and have a lot of thought processes on how to survive which triggers low self esteem and eventually lead to the terrible anxiety disorder.

This is a mental defect which she cannot control. You said it that she is normal with you. Therefore, she could be normal with every other person as well but that couldn't happen because of this disorder. The fear is always ' I won't make sense', I can't do it '' I'm bad' and so on. Since you have made her realize that she makes sense and she's okay then you will experience her normal cognitive behavior. Until others go through that process, she won't be able to cope with them.

Just like every sickness and disease, you need to manage or perhaps, cure her. This can be done through therapy and medication by a psychiatrist. - you better go to a standard one.

After taking the medications for some time, she would see how it feels to be a normal human being which she had been locked from for years. The journey may be rough though, I believe the psychiatrist would school you on that.

With that, her your problem is solved.

midnighter:
Yeah that was my point. If she doesnt have a disorder, fine. If she has, let them help themselves

I dont think its to do with trophy wife.. he feels that she should make more of an effort with his family even if she is reserved. So I am saying that if he wants her to do that then he will have to understand/help her with practical techniques

She too should understand that some social life is important to him, whether she has a condition or not.

Saying he should just leave her to do as she feels like is an extreme, at the same time forcing her to go out all the time when its not in her nature is not necessary. both of them can meet in the middle if the relationship is important to them

The problem Im seeing here is people trying to justify wallowing in their own issues instead of offering a practical way to address what the OP complained about

If somebody is ill or in trouble why not help them to get better? instead of leaving them to get worse because they're comfortable that way

If he complained that his girlfriend is obese and keeps eating too much will they tell him to leave her alone because they cant stop eating either?