₦airaland Forum

Reference:
[s]A man LEAVES his father and mother and becomes UNITED to his wife and they become ONE, says the Holy Book and the best manual for the institution of marraige. When boys understand the wisdom behind this they become men and rest from all their troubles[/s].

Rubbish
Still doing your Bible “honour your parents so that you might live long”
Again, rubbish squared
Thanks

wow! what a read! for you to take the time to pen this down man you are a real man, really patient and understanding...it is sad that the two important women in your life are clashing, i think your wife is taking issues too far, she should know your mother has always been there before she came along, and it will take a while before mama will take the back seat, aged and move on...mama does not live with you so why cant your wife pretend all is well for the few days she spends? your wife is seeing your mother as a rival and that is bad, i do not see anything wrong in your mother inviting some guests for the wedding and thus having an input on the wedding planning, while you cal always have another wife you cannot have another mother and she wont be around you forever...the moment your wife stop seeing your mother as a rival peace will reign...your mother want the best for all of you, you, your wife and her grand child...nothing like mother abeg man up and control your wife.

AntiWailer:
Your fault bro.

U are not smart enough.

Whenever u see any wife and mother forming rubbish enemity, it was simply because a non intelligent man is in the middle.

Before I made her mine, I made it clear. I sat her down and told her Any war with my family member is lost by default and I am also lost


I called my siblings and my mum separately and told them any war against my wife is lost by default and I am lost too.


Can u imagine this rubbish.

Very wonderful!


Same with me, before I married my wife, I made her understand that my mother is like my first wife, my lifeline that I don't joke with. She saw it in action because I don't joke with anything concerning my parents.


She understood from onset that my family members are dear to me, and she also knew my closest of friends that have made impact in my life that I dont joke with because I made her realised that without these people, I wouldn't be who I am for you to even know me in the first place, and today, she respect those boundaries even though there is no need for such since we all live far apart and only come together during festive periods, but still, she take my parents and siblings as dear as I take them and I value her family too.


Guys should always make their fiances know their boundaries before marriage

Anything never do Op yet....if matter don pass him power walia him no go dey blow grammer here for us...... Any way, ur problem is ur problem. mine is mine...... So face ur prob and let me face my own too.... May God help us all.

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

some men are just bastard,I'm reading his post and feeling sad for the mum....he only bring complains of his mother here!

First are you the only Male child only child ?

Next and finally a man shall leave his mother and father and join his wife and they shall become one flesh.


Your mother has to stay back away from your family. Tou are now a married man with his own family to cater for. They come 1st 2nd 3rd up to 20th before anybody. Including the family you are from.


As for the wedding issue I think that your wife was in the wrong and it sparks of previously untitled grief.


Put your foot down but remember you have the final say. Continue with your logic and damn the consequences.

franchasng:
Very wonderful!


Same with me, before I married my wife, I made her understand that my mother is like my first wife, my lifeline that I don't joke with. She saw it in action because I don't joke with anything concerning my parents.


She understood from onset that my family members are dear to me, and she also knew my closest of friends that have made impact in my life that I dont joke with because I made her realised that without these people, I wouldn't be who I am for you to even know me in the first place, and today, she respect those boundaries even though there is no need for such since we all live far apart and only come together during festive periods, but still, she take my parents and siblings as dear as I take them and I value her family too.


Guys should always make their fiances know their boundaries before marriage

Imagine this guy talking about her wife determining guest list and complaining about his mother's inclusion ?

Arghhh.

He lost the family that very day.

Under whatever context, I will never understand why a wife will disrespect her mother-in law....:


Some Women shaaa .....

Too long for me pls no vex.



I wish you well bro.

JONNYSPUTE:
.. It's a possibility.I ve seen such happens.Ask yourself why the op is all out putting the blames on his mother?

Imagine him saying his mother did not contribute a kobo to the wedding. I'm sure he's murder her reputation to his wife, hence d disrespect.

Big fool,your wife is doing all this to your mum and you are still begging her....woman rapper,last last na that wife go kill you!

AntiWailer:
Imagine this guy talking about her wife determining guest list and complaining about his mother's inclusion ?

Arghhh.

He lost the family that very day.

possible the lady brought 80% of the wedding money

Most Wives and Mother in laws have not been getting along for ages, not something new!!!

Three simple and basic things all parties should know and understand:

1. A mother should know and respect her children's marital boundaries, and know where to draw the line... Most, if not all, fathers know this.

2. A man or son should learn to put his foot down with regards to his extended family (this includes parents). A marriage is firstly and largely between couples. The position of parents becomes 2nd... This is not disrespect, it is just commonsense... Same goes for the woman or wife.

3. A wife should not alienate her husband from his roots, especially parents, directly or indirectly by her attitude or actions... You can't have your husband solely to yourself. He can't simply or completely forget his background, especially parents because he is married, on top wetin na... A wise woman would know how to apply tact and diplomacy in handling perceived or outright intrusions from her in-laws... It goes without saying that this equally applies to the man.

Bottom line, every one should know his place...

armadeo:
First are you the only Male child only child ?

Next and finally a man shall leave his mother and father and join his wife and they shall become one flesh.


Your mother has to stay back away from your family. Tou are now a married man with his own family to cater for. They come 1st 2nd 3rd up to 20th before anybody. Including the family you are from.


As for the wedding issue I think that your wife was in the wrong and it sparks of previously untitled grief.


Put your foot down but remember you have the final say. Continue with your logic and damn the consequences.

personally I don't see anything wrong in she visiting during d weekends to see her grandchild.

It's your home first and then your extended family, your mum should not be the one to scatter your home and your wife should also forgive and forget.

merahki:
Rubbish
Still doing your Bible “honour your parents so that you might live long”
Again, rubbish squared
Thanks

That is why 'wise' people like you continue to have and address issues but those who know how things work never seem to have problems. Life is simple and void of the anger and bitterness and vile, uncultured communication often seen around society.... and clearly demonstrated in your offerings. Pity.

atctech:
This is a very sensitive issue, you need to Man up, and also be prayerful.....if care is not taken you are threading the way to divorce.
I am a Pastor, I'm married too, I have a mother,
so I have the moral standard to advise you.
The role of your wife in your marriage is different from the the role of your mother. the Bible says the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one. The problem is, you haven't leave your mother.
things like this happens when parents are still contributing to marriage, like money, foods, business or housing.
sorry to say this, if your mum is that right and knows the form a marriage should take "she would still be with your father she wouldn't have divorced your father or vice versa" that is a signal that something is wrong. let her use her ways on her marriage and not your marriage.
The wife owns the home not parents, until you get it wright with your wife the unexpected may happen. things has changed bro, before I got married I have a picture of what my marriage would be so I worked it out.
gone are those days when things like this happens. can I chock you? as much as I love my mother when she visits and trying to talk and train my children in a way that is arcake(old fashion) jokingly I would correct her.
my mum is a great woman, very loving and caring but I don't reveal secret about my wife to her because one day she may use it against her and vise versa, as much as my wife loves her and always want her to visit but my mum doesn't come always.
finally, stand your ground and also correct your wife. you are in charge, the more you put out your marriage to family debate the more trouble you get.

the priest who ordained you deserves to be flogged, Yoruba people use to say, Agba o jo'gbon ( age doesn't equate common sense)

AntiWailer:
Imagine this guy talking about her wife determining guest list and complaining about his mother's inclusion ?

Arghhh.

He lost the family that very day.

My brother, some guys allow their woman to override them, which is abuse of office lol


During my wedding, I told my wife to submit list of friends she is inviting, I also told my parents to submit their own list and told them I don't want crowd, just want few family members and valuable friends around only.

I also told my wife to relay same to her family side, that I don't want any compromise and she complied as I said.

The wedding was strictly on invitation, and everybody complied.

I cannot marry a lady I cannot control in the first place, and my mother respects me a lot too, she will never do anything that will make me unhappy, in fact my mother is a wonderful soul, if it were possible, would have married her


The op gave room for compromise between his mother and wife, he needs to act as the man he is before they ruin his life unknowingly to the both women lol

Waterview:
the priest who ordained you deserves to be flogged, Yoruba people use to say, Agba o jo'gbon ( age doesn't equate common sense)

lol

atctech:
This is a very sensitive issue, you need to Man up, and also be prayerful.....if care is not taken you are threading the way to divorce.
I am a Pastor, I'm married too, I have a mother,
so I have the moral standard to advise you.
The role of your wife in your marriage is different from the the role of your mother. the Bible says the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one. The problem is, you haven't leave your mother.
things like this happens when parents are still contributing to marriage, like money, foods, business or housing.
sorry to say this, if your mum is that right and knows the form a marriage should take "she would still be with your father she wouldn't have divorced your father or vice versa" that is a signal that something is wrong. let her use her ways on her marriage and not your marriage.
The wife owns the home not parents, until you get it wright with your wife the unexpected may happen. things has changed bro, before I got married I have a picture of what my marriage would be so I worked it out.
gone are those days when things like this happens. can I chock you? as much as I love my mother when she visits and trying to talk and train my children in a way that is arcake(old fashion) jokingly I would correct her.
my mum is a great woman, very loving and caring but I don't reveal secret about my wife to her because one day she may use it against her and vise versa, as much as my wife loves her and always want her to visit but my mum doesn't come always.
finally, stand your ground and also correct your wife. you are in charge, the more you put out your marriage to family debate the more trouble you get.

This is what I wanted to say.

Well said. You really what's up

AwkaetitiBabe:
personally I don't see anything wrong in she visiting during d weekends to see her grandchild.

Nothing wrong in that at all.

I completely agree.

As I said the op has pointed some facts here that many do not see. Before the marriage the mother has tried to control him and it upsets the wife.

Women are like that that's why daughter in law mother finlay wahala isnalways present.

He needs to know that his family is first and the mother should step back some.

Shes divorced and may want to live her life through her children disupting thier own flow.

That is wrong.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Bro., from your narration, your wife and mother have character issues. I advise you talk to your wife about her adamance at not forgiving your mother. Since your mother has made efforts to extend your spouse an olive branch, she ought to oblige her for peace. That's what a mature and wise woman would do. Your wife is, maybe, unknowingly tearing down her home, because she's unready to end the war with your beloved mother. Why can't your wife forgive? There is a chance you'd be her victim tomorrow. Urge her to work on that flaw.

No matter what, respect and honor your mother. Always try. Never let your wife disrespect your mother before you. She can make her points without insulting her either directly or indirectly. After God Almighty, no one loves you in this world as much as your mother. Her efforts in bringing you up made you attractive to your wife for marriage. Respect your mum.

Clearly, your wife is now the main problem. Your mother and you are willing to let go, she is not. Warn her sternly to keep her assertiveness and ego out of your mother's case. Who does she think she is? Stand your ground! Tell her, also, her intention or manipulative attempts to pit you against your mother has and will fail. Your wife must reconcile with your mother and vice-versa. That's the way forward, the path of peace. Back these outlined actions with earnest prayers to God. Goodluck!

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

One thing I like you for is acknowledging that your mum is manipulative.

Unfortunately you married her in your wife.

Both of them have similar characters and none would allow either to have her way.

Just close your eyes and go back to sleep. Let them sort it out.

Your wife is not wise and lacks respect.

AwkaetitiBabe:
possible the lady brought 80% of the wedding money

Then she should go and marry her money .

Look for someone your wife holds in high regard to talk to her so she can be peaceful with your mom.

Obviously you have no say in that house, may be is your wife or your wife family that sponsor your wedding that's why you don't have a say when your mother want to include her guest and your wife reject it, my brother is normal thing to involve your mum in your wedding planning, your wife is a very wicked person, and you are doing like mumu siding with your wife, is obvious say na your wife dey take care of your bills, you don't have a say over your wife... Your wife can do that to her mother?.. Karma will speak

Weldone ma
See possible ways of evicting a mother in-law
Now I see y many ladies of this generation will never have a lasting marriage

sisisioge:
You guys can't possibly be in Nigeria!

Firstly, you wife needs to take a chill pill. Talk to her in front of her own mother and let her feel through her eyes how it feels to be hated by one's own child's spouse. Put things in perspectives for her and remind her of her days of mother in-lawhood coming too. After all, she has a son.

Meanwhile, you mother needs to get a grip of herself! You are married now and living your own life. Talk really well and stand up to her....infact, threaten to move far away if she doesn't amend her ways. She can't be visiting every weekend! She cannot be included in everything! She cant be insulting your wife! She should mind herself really well so she doesn't break your family and lose you guys. Hian!

armadeo:
First are you the only Male child only child ?

Next and finally a man shall leave his mother and father and join his wife and they shall become one flesh.


Your mother has to stay back away from your family. Tou are now a married man with his own family to cater for. They come 1st 2nd 3rd up to 20th before anybody. Including the family you are from.


As for the wedding issue I think that your wife was in the wrong and it sparks of previously untitled grief.


Put your foot down but remember you have the final say. Continue with your logic and damn the consequences.

What's all this jargons now? You are not better than the OP abeg. Close mouth

Your wife should know that one day she will have a daughter in law , if she did not show love and forgiveness now let her not cry when is her turn.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Brilliant write, good and clear english. IELTS SCORE 9/9

Please a little advice
If you are getting married as a favorite or only son pls kindly relocate out of the place where ur extended family members reside.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder and breeds respect..... if ur extended family sees ur immediate family members less often there will be awesome respect



Abeg avoid see finish