Mavis3:
Thank you all for your advice and counsel.

Graxie like you said, I have more than enough advice to pick from. All the comments helped and guided me on making my plans and re strategizing.

On Aunty's Visit;( It's quite lengthy o)

She came by the house yesterday evening and it was for a meeting.
She said she wants to speak sense into me and her Nephew.

She said husband's girlfriend traced her to her home and told her husband doesn't pick her calls or reply to her messages.
That baby is sick and she sent a message to husband and husband did not reply. Husband has left all responsibility to her alone and she is suffering with baby and husband threatened to arrest her when she said she was going to meet with me and tell me her woes.

Aunty said a good wife should encourage husband to be responsible and do good by his child no matter how the child came about. That I have stopped husband to accept the child and to have anything to do with the child and that shows I am not a good wife.

I didn't utter a word. Husband told her to leave me out of all that. He said if she had told him that was her reason for coming he would have adviced her to stay at home and he will find time and see her.

Me I kept quiet and did not say a word.

She gave alot of proverbs and told me to practice the Christianity I profess and show love.
I thanked her for coming and she left.

I did not say or ask any question concerning what she said. Even when hubby saw her off and came back and started apologising for everything that is happening and for Aunty's behavior, the only thing I said was it's ok, I am not offended.

Had to send a message to husbands elder brother that lives in UK. He is very principled and Sincere. And what he says is respected in the family.
Told him what's up and about Aunty coming to.my house to insult my person.

He wasn't happy at all, said he will call Aunty. Don't know what he told them, Aunty called this evening to apologies on how she spoke to me and father in law too called to tell me Aunty acted alone, he is not part of it.

Brother in law also called to tell me he has told Aunty not to further stress me with the issue of husband girlfriend and baby.
That husband should handle his shit.

Right now, I am prepared. Will be taking a leave once the lockdown is over and I am leaving the house for a month. I will be staying with my elder brother in another state for a while.

I have decided that no Kobo of mine will go for the upkeep of the child and I stand by that. Call me wicked I don't care.

I will start processing my transfer to another state where my mother and siblings are, so I will be closer to my family.

I am going to tell him this night that the project we are working on will hold. I want to go for further studies and will need the money.

We are no longer going to have a joint account. The money we have in it we will split.

Once the work transfer pulls through, I am moving to my state.

I need some time alone to breathe.

Thank you all for your advice. If anything new comes up, I will sure let you guys know.

not an easy decision to make but not a bad one either . Do what u think is best for you !! The emotional trauma that goes with this situation isn’t easy at all , stay blessed ,,, n NO U ARE NOT A WICKED WIFE .

Sixfeetbelle:


You're right. Deceitful isn't the right word. Help me out here, if you would. What I meant is that I know some men who won't let this baby mama issue get to the wife at all. If the man wanted the issue to be silent, I know he would have done it. He didn't.

FACT , that’s more reason why I feel , he might even marry the baby mama

seunmsg:


Which account should he use since they operate a joint account?

If she takes care of the child from the joint account, she can monitor the amount of money he’s spending on the child effectively. That way, nothing would be hidden from her. The alternative is for them to end the joint account and maintain separate accounts. That way, he will be able to take care of his child but the wife won’t be in the know of so many things again.

The hardline posture you’re advising is actually not the solution. The deed has been done. If she has truly forgiven him, then she need to accept the child as her own. With the acceptance, there should be no big deal in taking care of the child from their joint account. Any which way, the man will spend on that child so the earlier she accepts the reality, the better for her sanity.

Finally, spending on the child jointly won’t stop her from continuing the IVF option. Showing love and care to the innocent child may even hasten God to answer her prayer. There is a saying in Yoruba land that “ori omo l’onpe omo waye”. I wish her well.

Nonsense

oyoolima:
Mavis3, he probably has another phone and all the hanging out has been with the second madam. Funny enough,you've been sponsoring his jaunts and baby mama unknowingly since you share the same account.

One thing I have to say is that you are so lucky that he confessed early,a lot of people leave the surprise for years down the line or even after they're dead .

I also have to say that I agree with bukatyne on this one BUT I disagree when she's says you are disadvantaged. They have layed their own cards,you haven't shown yours at all.

Sentiments aside, you have to be very very clear about what it is you want for yourself in the next 5-10 years at least.


I will deduce that you're a Christian that believes in pastoral input and that is why pastor already called you for meeting,you took husband back immediately meaning that you want the marriage to continue. It is not a bad thing at all.

You have a cowife, no matter how hard you deny it,I am sorry this is the new reality. You have said being with the new baby and fatherhood is the most important thing to your husband now..it is his right and the baby deserves this no matter how painful it is to you,allow him to enjoy fatherhood.

He will be meeting with the woman, and they will be spending time together and bonding over the baby..I know this hurts very much but it is what it is.

OPTION 1: This is for a tough person - Your marriage can continue if you want, you have indicated this by your actions ,so why not?


You have toiled for 9 years,why should you go without securing your own future? Now your eyes have cleared,it's time to amass assets IN YOUR NAME if you have the cash.Instead of spending 5k on pot of soup,you spend 3k and pocket 2k..let the pennies start counting .

Let him pay for nappy,milk, accommodation, hospital visits from his own money and also make sure he pays for his own portion of managing your own home. This one is not your problem.Make a list and know who pays for what.

Look over the deeds to any property very well and make sure your full name is spelled out there eg Mrs Mavis Olulolo Malbaba,nothing like Mrs Malbaba.

If you were abroad,I would say visit a solicitor to make sure all your belongings truly belong to you but you are in Naija so I don't know how it works.

Love is such a fickle emotion,at least the scales have fallen from your eyes even though the deceit was horrible,you don't have to be an enemy to your husband.

Before all this, you were getting along, your relationship was enviable. .

I'm sure that the day he took his vows,he did not plan to be like this but somehow he derailed along the line and chose to live his own truth.I dont blame him o.but you don't have to pay for his decisions.

His betrayal may feel unbearable, you will NEVER forget but you can use it to your advantage.

Look at it this way,you have a free legitimate tank of sperm aka husband at your disposal, free sex(with a condom of course) if he's any good in the bedroom, a chance to have your children within a marriage all from the same father (which ties things up nicely) , reduced utility bills (rent, electricity),a chance to save up money till or if you're ever ready to strike.

Grit your teeth and get the kids first. Allow him to donate his own portion of the money to your IVF or surrogacy endeavour. Why should you pay for it alone? If the IVF works, hopefully it's twins or triplets at a go .That project you were doing ,better halt it and funnel the money into achieving your aim of carrying your own children/ adopting children for yourself.
At this rate,you will finish building with your sweat but won't partake.

Pain passes with time,get what you want first..

In a few years,you may have adjusted to the new reality but you will be a smarter,more cynical version of yourself, hopefully with your own children ,assets in your name and more money in the bank.

You may also have forgiven him to some extent (as the Lord instructed),your relationship will never be the same obviously,it may change to a jaded one,you will still love him(agape style) but with a limit and you will put yourself and your interests first.

Allow yourself to grieve this relationship you thought you had no matter how long it takes ,it will allow you to have a clear head to PLAN for yourself and your future children.

Yes,the child or children will be in your face but surely you will have your own or at least you wait long enough to get your ducks in a row.

This sounds like psychological torture but sometimes,you play fool just to achieve your aim. You can still run away when you get what you want ,don't think this is final.

You can do option 1 very well without turning into a bitter person because you are not just there anymore, you are now more informed and you are taking back your power.


OPTION 2: You cannot manage the betrayal and pain and prefer to start afresh,clean slate with peace of mind,new life,donor sperm or adopt for yourself etc.

No problem,it is possible. Doesn't mean you haven't forgiven,only means you just cannot live in this kind of situation.

OPTION 3: Forgive and forget,allow the peace of the Lord to reign, accept baby and future ones plus the mother.

Leave the account joint and sponsor the new addition.

Some Christians believe this or a variation of it is the sure path to peace of mind ,the single track to heaven and a magic key to opening the womb and having your own kids.
They may be right,I don't know.

Believe me,a lot of people live with option 3 and are fine.

Choose the one that gives you peace.

Marriages bounce back from infidelity depending on the relationship between the spouses and their red lines however your own situation is not that simple.


I will not pretend to understand the pain you're feeling but i believe you can pull through this.

Be Smart and calculative .You are a WOMAN,strong is your middle name.

Pele again.

Nonsense

bukatyne:
@oyoolima:

Fear catch me to quote that post! Kilode?

She is at a disadvantage because she is the one with the issues so if she walks away from him today, she is going to start the journey of trying to conceive afresh except she marries another man not interested in kids with her (divorcee, widower, impotent, polygamous setting).

Even if she married at 25, she is 34yrs now. Only a man no longer interested in children or spiritually directed to would marry a childless divorcee after 9yrs when her husband allegedly has one.

Maybe those people having heartache on my matter will breath easy now that my same advise is coming from someone else. Some people don't understand critical thinking and analysis without bringing emotions to the table.

This dude might even double his hustle for her to have her kids out of guilt or trying to seek her goodwill.

Hopefully, she will read your post, absorb the message there-in and make a right choice.

Like I say, eye on the goal!

marriage is not the only thing she can do with her life,, n don’t say it like she’s in a hopeless situation n she won’t hv her own kids, she will

Mavis3:
Thank you all for your advice and counsel.

Right now, I am prepared. Will be taking a leave once the lockdown is over and I am leaving the house for a month. I will be staying with my elder brother in another state for a while.

I have decided that no Kobo of mine will go for the upkeep of the child and I stand by that. Call me wicked I don't care.

I will start processing my transfer to another state where my mother and siblings are, so I will be closer to my family.

I need some time alone to breathe.

Prelude to divorce... Good one.

Hopefully as you're taking time to breathe, the girlfriend won't get pregnant with the second child.

That shouldn't bother you at this point anyway, he has already proven to be untrustworthy and you deserve to be married to someone better.

I have been following your thread ... decided to comment because you might learn a thing or two

Your decisions so far given the circumstances is fine. Splitting finances and moving out of the state will give clarity to you and your hubby. Right now, he will understand just how serious this is and will force him to make serious decisions he was hoping to postpone: Either he seeks full adoption of the child away and cut off from his baby mama or loose your support and his marriage. His actions when you move out (not what he says) should help you point out his decision

Either way, your marriage cannot be the same again; I think you should prepare for a lengthy separation and probably divorce if your your relationship isn't strong enough. Either way, use the period of separation to get a child either though IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Suspend another projects you have as a family and focus on that. The reason is, if you do get divorced, as a single mum, you will be happier and fulfilled and less desperate to remarry. If you don't have a child, you may be more desperate to get one and may just remarry a worse person for that reason

What people don't know is this... everyone goes into marriage for both the relationship and for children. So if you divorce without kids, it failed completely. With kids, you only lost relationship. The kids part was successful so get yours and plan to move on


Your hubby may genuinely love you in spite of his cheating - The process of trying to conceive needs love and you need to find a way to keep the love while you plan for a possible separate future. You just have to make the best of the situation. Also, don't be distracted love. Love may not protect you from STDs if he gets them frkm his baby mama

Your hubby's family havent been honest with you. They were probably aware he was dating her. They certainly were aware she was pregnant because she cannot magically have been able " to locate his aunt/family to complain" without him taking her to introduce or bringing them to the lady's place or whichever rendezvous spot ..... even your BIL in the UK would have been aware- perhaps he didnt support ur hubby's action but he certainly would have been in the know.
My dear think of ONLY yourself and YOUR happiness alone because your hubby NEVER thought of you or your feelings at any point during his pathway.....he choose selfishness and public disgrace for you because now, nitwits will start looking at you like the barren one. Wipe your tears babe, Joy comes in the morning CERTAINLY and your morning is nigh but i applaud your steps....especially separating every financial ties with this man.
God bless you

Dov3:
I have been following your thread ... decided to comment because you might learn a thing or two

Your decisions so far given the circumstances is fine. Splitting finances and moving out of the state will give clarity to you and your hubby. Right now, he will understand just how serious this is and will force him to make serious decisions he was hoping to postpone: Either he seeks full adoption of the child away and cut off from his baby mama or loose your support and his marriage. His actions when you move out (not what he says) should help you point out his decision

Either way, your marriage cannot be the same again; I think you should prepare for a lengthy separation and probably divorce if your your relationship isn't strong enough. Either way, use the period of separation to get a child either though IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Suspend another projects you have as a family and focus on that. The reason is, if you do get divorced, as a single mum, you will be happier and fulfilled and less desperate to remarry. If you don't have a child, you may be more desperate to get one and may just remarry a worse person for that reason

What people don't know is this... everyone goes into marriage for both the relationship and for children. So if you divorce without kids, it failed completely. With kids, you only lost relationship. The kids part was successful so get yours and plan to move on


Your hubby may genuinely love you in spite of his cheating - The process of trying to conceive needs love and you need to find a way to keep the love while you plan for a possible separate future. You just have to make the best of the situation. Also, don't be distracted love. Love may not protect you from STDs if he gets them frkm his baby mama

.

Genuinely love You guys just use the word love anyhow?? How can a man go and impregnate another woman outside his matrimonial home and still be claiming genuine love

tabithababy:
.

Genuinely love You guys just use the word love anyhow?? How can a man go and impregnate another woman outside his matrimonial home and still be claiming genuine love

am tired of these people

crackkhaus:

Prelude to divorce... Good one.

Hopefully as you're taking time to breathe, the girlfriend won't get pregnant with the second child.

That shouldn't bother you at this point anyway, he has already proven to be untrustworthy and you deserve to be married to someone better.

Backhanded compliment and therefore antagonism (I don’t even know if it’s a term, but, there.)
She has made her decision, please allow her to breathe. It’s not fair what you are doing.
She is leaving to find her peace, allow her to it
Her husband can have a truckload of kids with his new lover, it is okay, let him have his peace
But kindly allow this woman to be. Her fellow vow taker betrayed her trust big time. That is the main sin. Do you even see that? Can’t she just lash out however she wants?
I don’t like your priapristic gender warring stance, it makes you defend only men, invariably. Even when you try to mask it, I just see it. That’s just wrong.
(You are not the only one who does it meanwhile but from you? I don’t like it, I dunno why).

Shugavee:
marriage is not the only thing she can do with her life,, n don’t say it like she’s in a hopeless situation n she won’t hv her own kids, she will

If in all my posts on this thread you think I am so concerned about her marriage, then you need to put on your thinking cap (no offense).

She is free to try conceiving with another person afresh.

Please forgive Nigerians for their continuous wrong use of words.

tabithababy:
.

Genuinely love You guys just use the word love anyhow?? How can a man go and impregnate another woman outside his matrimonial home and still be claiming genuine love

Gift7428:
Please forgive Nigerians for their continuous wrong use of words.

Not all Nigerians, why not say "some people",

Be guided.

Your concerns are not clear cos I also reached the same conclusion as her. Is a bad marriage better than no marriage? It's a personal decision .it just seems like u are on an evangelical mission to convince women to live for men, however bad it is, as long as you are in a marriage.

bukatyne:


If in all my posts on this thread you think I am so concerned about her marriage, then you need to put on your thinking cap (no offense).

She is free to try conceiving with another person afresh.

merahki:




Backhanded compliment and therefore antagonism (I don’t even know if it’s a term, but, there.)
She has made her decision, please allow her to breathe. It’s not fair what you are doing.
She is leaving to find her peace, allow her to it
Her husband can have a truckload of kids with his new lover, it is okay, let him have his peace
But kindly allow this woman to be. Her fellow vow taker betrayed her trust big time. That is the main sin. Do you even see that? Can’t she just lash out however she wants?
I don’t like your priapristic gender warring stance, it makes you defend only men, invariably. Even when you try to mask it, I just see it. That’s just wrong.
(You are not the only one who does it meanwhile but from you? I don’t like it, I dunno why).

My constant thoughts about that guys comments..... I'm yet to decide if he's just a good ol' troll or just playing devil's advocate. Everytime I see his comments, I get a mental picture of Al Pacino's fantastic depiction of the character in the movie

There is just something unsettling about it...bordering on sinister or diabolic

merahki:

Backhanded compliment and therefore antagonism (I don’t even know if it’s a term, but, there.)
She has made her decision, please allow her to breathe. It’s not fair what you are doing.
She is leaving to find her peace, allow her to it
Her husband can have a truckload of kids with his new lover, it is okay, let him have his peace
But kindly allow this woman to be. Her fellow vow taker betrayed her trust big time. That is the main sin. Do you even see that? Can’t she just lash out however she wants?
I don’t like your priapristic gender warring stance, it makes you defend only men, invariably. Even when you try to mask it, I just see it. That’s just wrong.
(You are not the only one who does it meanwhile but from you? I don’t like it, I dunno why).

I don't quite understand your irritation.

I'm supporting her decision while making her aware of one very realistic consequence of it.

That you're seeing something else besides this, is simply your predisposition towards my person playing tricks on you.
I can't be held responsible for your interpretation, you of all people should know this.

AquariusRising:

My constant thoughts about that guys comments..... I'm yet to decide if he's just a good ol' troll or just playing devil's advocate. Everytime I see his comments, I get a mental picture of Al Pacino's fantastic depiction of the character in the movie

There is just something unsettling about it...bordering on sinister or diabolic

I'm right here.
If you're going to say something, say it to me like a healthy human as Merahki and don't be a cowardly amphibious toad.

That aside, I've not seen your handle before today yet you seem to know a lot about my comments... probably an alternate.

I don't know if I should be flattered or just feel sorry for you.

Hmmm!!!! Madam I feel for you honestly because this situation can only be solved by God . He has the mastery of every situation we go through. But I must tell you that it is a test of your faith if you are his child.forgive your husband and accept the child wholeheartedly.pls do not leave that marriage for any reason.Always ask God for his direction and he will see you through. Your own children will surely come if you allow God to takeover your home. It is well.

crackkhaus:

I'm right here.
If you're going to say something, say it to me like a healthy human as Merahki and don't be a cowardly amphibious toad.

That aside, I've not seen your handle before today yet you seem to know a lot about my comments... probably an alternate.

I don't know if I should be flattered or just feel sorry for you.

1. I have met monsters in real life, so no, I am not cowardly, hence I am not afraid of you; a low level demon hiding behind his keyboard.

2. I usually do not have conversations with demons, I have conversations with others about identifying, understanding and vanquishing those demons.

3. I do not have any need to speak with you. I was speaking with Merahki about a 'phenomenon' which we had both noticed.

4. Also it is okay that you have not 'noticed' me, I am not here to be noticed, I'm here to contribute my 10cents to topics that touch me, unlike you who has made it your life's goal to be noticed, jumping from thread to thread commenting like a sociopathic know-it-all

5. Please go back to the nothing you have been doing. I will now completely ignore you like I have ever since

[s]

AquariusRising:

1. I have met monsters in real life, so no, I am not cowardly, hence I am not afraid of you; a low level demon hiding behind his keyboard.

2. I usually do not have conversations with demons, I have conversations with others about identifying, understanding and vanquishing those demons.

3. I do not have any need to speak with you. I was speaking with Merahki about a 'phenomenon' which we had both noticed.

4. Also it is okay that you have not 'noticed' me, I am not here to be noticed, I'm here to contribute my 10cents to topics that touch me, unlike you who has made it your life's goal to be noticed, jumping from thread to thread commenting like a sociopathic know-it-all

5. Please go back to the nothing you have been doing. I will now completely ignore you like I have ever since

[/s]
Shut your hideous trap and crawl back into that mystical cave of desolation whence you were spat out from.

No one cares about your resumé.

AquariusRising:


My constant thoughts about that guys comments..... I'm yet to decide if he's just a good ol' troll or just playing devil's advocate. Everytime I see his comments, I get a mental picture of Al Pacino's fantastic depiction of the character in the movie

There is just something unsettling about it...bordering on sinister or diabolic

And also psychosis, some of us are used to rants like that and have put his ilk on the sideline, they will continue to hail him to ride on, if they don't, he would have probably stopped by now.

If adultery is a red line for you, don't cross it!!

I don't think you can successfully keep your husband away from his child. You guys could adopt the child together and sort of pay his mother off.

If your husband keeps a relationship with the baby mama, no matter how platonic, things could get very messy very quickly.

Mavis3:
Dear Nairalanders,
I had to open this new account Because I have friends here and family members.

Please kindly advice me on this. As I am so bitter and unhappy right now.

I have been married for close to mine years without a child. I have had two miscarriages and couldn't take in again and we tried IVF once which failed.

My husband has been patient and supportive and have been wadding off any form of interference and other than that we had a beautiful marriage and close friends even think we are a perfect couple.
My pain started some months back when our pastor called me for an urgent meeting. On reaching there I met my husband and pastor told me my husband has a confession to make.
My husband told me he had an affair with a lady for a year which he ended because he was feeling guilty. But the lady had a child for him from the relationship which he just got to know recently when she called to tell him. And baby mama has threatened bringing the child to the house if he doesn't meet her demands.

He begged me for forgiveness and so did our pastor. I was heartbroken but I forgave him and took him back.
Early this morning, he told me he wants my permission to become involved in the child's life and be a father to the child.
We own a joint account and our finances is usually.planned as we talk about what we use money for. He wants us to include the upkeep of his child in our budget for each month .

I feel batrayed,angry and bitter.
I told him i will give him an answer when I am done thinking about it.
But I am not happy and I also feel cheated.

How do I handle this please?
Married folks in the house please I need your advice on this.

Pls mod, front page.

The 32yr old angry spinster squatting with extended family who has no job, has no stable relationship, and with a droopy face like fallen scrotal sacs, is busy diagnosing someone else of psychosis.

What will I not read on Nairaland.

bukatyne:


If in all my posts on this thread you think I am so concerned about her marriage, then you need to put on your thinking cap (no offense).

She is free to try conceiving with another person afresh.

did u read ur message I replied to ,, ?

AquariusRising:


1. I have met monsters in real life, so no, I am not cowardly, hence I am not afraid of you; a low level demon hiding behind his keyboard.

2. I usually do not have conversations with demons, I have conversations with others about identifying, understanding and vanquishing those demons.

3. I do not have any need to speak with you. I was speaking with Merahki about a 'phenomenon' which we had both noticed.

4. Also it is okay that you have not 'noticed' me, I am not here to be noticed, I'm here to contribute my 10cents to topics that touch me, unlike you who has made it your life's goal to be noticed, jumping from thread to thread commenting like a sociopathic know-it-all

5. Please go back to the nothing you have been doing. I will now completely ignore you like I have ever since

Chai, uka agbasa. Mmawu, what a piece!!! Some of us have decided never to quote such group of persons, it's better I dash my data out than doing such. They enjoy ridiculing women irrespective of their pain. They even mask it up with Christianity. Odiegwu oh!!!

Shugavee:
did u read ur message I replied to ,, or u dumb ?

I think I have indulged you enough from my other thread.

Now run along.

bukatyne:


I think I have indulged you enough from my other thread.

Now run along.

lmao , seriously who did u indulge? In what thread? ,, pretty sure u were also spiting poo just like u r doing here.

Liliantalks:
what a prick

What a vagîna

A 32 year old tractor driver that can't even afford ordinary android phone to chat on whatsapp, a hôrny nincompoop with a bald head as huge and long as a rail line, who jumps from one thread to the other with his dead phone hanging by a thread, dissing ladies cos the one hour 10k job can give him that much time to gossip on here like a kid, wants to claim he isn't demented, definitely the 8th wonders of the world