₦airaland Forum

How old is your marriage? How do you guys share financial responsibilities?

grasiouso:
Have never and would never have a low self esteem. Was only trying to bend to make the marriage work but it's exhausting.

Do you have children?
Let them be your motivation to stay.
Also, try not to let his nagging get to you.

He isn't serious

grasiouso:
Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

sorry about what you are going through..I know this person phase of your marriage will still pass..your husband is a good man..I think u Just need to involve him more into whatever u do so as to gain more trust from him..pray for him as he has alot in his mind that u don't know about..

Nigerian men want submission so bad but they can’t take their eyes off 50/50! Hahahahah
you have to continue to massage his ego to retain your Mrs title. Maybe you should start buying gifts for him... that would help lighten his mood.

LadySarah:
He isn't serious

are u married?if yes , don't be too quick to judge pls..

grasiouso:
Thank you for your contribution but please he is not stupid and there's no issue of another woman as much as I know. He has his good side and is awesome in a lot of things except for this issue of tagging me un-submissive and threatening divorce for petty irrelevant issues. I just feel he needs to work on his ego before it spoils things for us.

I have gone through the thread.

Have you asked him what exactly he means by submission? Not your assumption, his own perspective.

And I think threatening divorce over 'petty irrelevant' issues is not cool.

Again, what you deem 'petty and irrelevant' might mean a lot to him.

I think you should communicate more and let him know that threatening divorce would not be tolerated.

ModestGal:
I would leave such a stupid husband, sorry but not sorry.

Anyway, pack your things and go separate, tell him you will come back only on the account of him seeing a psychologist, if he can't do that for you, please leave the asshole. He doesn't want you and probably seeing another woman who is pretending to be stupid, you know how side old chicks can pretend and treat men like heaven and say sorry to them after being cursed.

If you don't do this, its possible you cheat on him, emotionally or sexually. Because it could lower your self esteem, and might want to raise it by dating someone who seems to say good things about you

Wrong advice!

Are you a married woman?

You want her to separate from her husband without hearing the side of the man.

You should refrain from letting emotions ruin your good judgement.

ModestGal:
You are in love with me ko?
Trust me, you can't even by the comb for my hair, I'm too expensive for you.
Go work harder and come back, you might be lucky to still meet me single by then

Rubbish!

A big fall usually follows a haughty spirit.

uboma:
Rubbish!

A big fall usually follows a haughty spirit.

Lol, you felt threatened? Did I bruise your ego

Righteousness89:
My Sister, Take this From me..

Don't allow the devil to Break that Home.. That what he wants..

Someone has to be a Mumu atimes..

Be the one to Stand in the Gap! Refuse to be Grounded...

What I see is a Minor matter that Prayers can Solve..

Pray against Spiritual wife in your Home..

That's all.. Don't break! Don't Leave!

I Pray For you! Whatever or Whoever is Ringing bell of Divorce on your Home! Let the arrow Go back to Sender in the Name of JESUS...

I Break the yoke and Activities of Spirtual Spouse in your Home in the Name of JESUS...Amen


Kindly Ignore or turn a blind eye to the Forth post on this thread! It's from the pit of Hell!

What are the indications that a spiritual spouse is involved?

Bluntguy:
Why should you tell your husband things that you ordinarily should keep to yourself? When you do some good deeds like this, always remember our Lord Jesus' admonition that we should not let our left hands know what our right hands are doing. I am sure it's not all good deeds your husband does that he lets you know.
Next time, as long as your good deeds is not a threat to your marriage, do it without letting him know. By this your father who seeth in secret will reward you in the open.

I thought I was the only one thinking like this.

ModestGal:
Lol, you felt threatened? Did I bruise your ego

You can only wish for this to happen, in your dreams most likely....

grasiouso:
Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

There is either of two things,
1. Your husband is tired of the relationship or
2. Your husband is going through issues at work and taking it out on you, either way talking to him seems like a good idea to know what is going on

You have entered the see finish period.
The period of power tussle to know who will bend the most.
Please, thou shall not bend more than you should. Marriage is supposed to upgrade your self-esteem not downgrade it.

If your husband is always yapping about submissiveness over trifle issues like this, I'd suggest you keep your mouth shut because he is not your friend or soulmate but a NIGERIAN HUSBAND. You can only blab about anything when you are married to your friend.
Reference the Bible when you do good deeds by keeping your mouth shut.

Righteousness89:


The behavior she says her husband displays...

It's a Symptom of Spiritual wife..

You need more concrete proof

Righteousness89:


The behavior she says her husband displays...

It's a Symptom of Spiritual wife.

They need to Pray More together......


Someone should be willing to humble himself and be the one to call the other for Prayers

Peeps like you are the ones who wreck homes.

Beatswim:
are u married?if yes , don't be too quick to judge pls..

Excuse me, pls who are you?

Are you the unserious husband?
Abeg swerve.

grasiouso:
Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

U are the problem here

Discuss things with your husband before u do them, if u can't discuss it before then shut up and don't discuss them after u have done them since it will result to quarrell.

How is this hard to do?

Better give yourself some sense now

A wise woman will learn the husband and adjust accordingly using common sense to follow him.

Threatening u with divorce is nothing, that is the usual card a man plays to cow a woman to submission he doesn't mean it.

grasiouso:
Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

did I just read 6 months or you want to say 6 years

i think you should stop telling him everything you do but as I see this case (i.e 6 months) then prayer is needed

Dotherightthing:
21. Please spell words correctly when you post, and try to use perfect grammar and punctuation.

..
Rest for this guy matter naa

grasiouso:
Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

When you're done playing victim, perhaps you could take a second, a split second, to notice a clear pattern behind these issues and why they keep coming up.

It seems you do things without having a conversation with your husband only to end up telling him after you have done them.
You may have a good reason why you do this, you may not, but it's besides the point.


As far as I can figure, you have two very easy options if you want to save your marriage:

1. You could have discussions with him before doing these things, just casual discussions with no airs.
Don't let anyone give you the idea that discussing with your husband before making a decision means you require his permission. This kind of mentality is exactly what may destroy your marriage.

2. Second option is, you can do what you want to do without having any discussions with him, but don't tell him about it afterwards since you already know he won't appreciate the feeling of being left out.
Also ensure he doesn't get to find out these things on his own, else you'll be back to square one.

The choice is yours.

rhemauni:
U are the problem here

Discuss things with your husband before u do them, if u can't discuss it before then shut up and don't discuss them after u have done them since it will result to quarrell.

How is this hard to do?

Better give yourself some sense now

A wise woman will learn the husband and adjust accordingly using common sense to follow him.

[s]Threatening u with divorce is nothing, that is the usual card a man plays to cow a woman to submission he doesn't mean it.[/s]

Lol, I shouldn't have bothered with my comment above. Didn't see yours earlier.

Good one.

Petyr1:
did I just read 6 months or you want to say 6 years

i think you should stop telling him everything you do but as I see this case (i.e 6 months) then prayer is needed

6months? Whoa!
I missed that part.

I beg to differ. She is the problem?! A woman wants to increase her home through her spirituality and her prudent nature and you say she is the problem? Many men would want to marry such women to keep and manage their homes. Suddenly a divorce threat is a normal thing to cow women into submission. Haa! What won't we see in marriage? Abeg she is not the problem sir.
Someone knocks on my door to complain of hunger and i have enough to spare. Suddenly, i remember my husband will divorce me o of i help. So, i just kukuma cowed into my shell and refuse to help.

My sister, your marriage is still very young o. Communicate with him. Put him in prayers, follow some nice advice up there and help people as much as you can without fear, but don't overburden yourself sha. If he doesn't like to hear that you are helping people, zip your mouth, let God be the Judge. Sit him down, listen, understand his fears and work with him with all sincerity. May God be with you.

rhemauni:
U are the problem here

Discuss things with your husband before u do them, if u can't discuss it before then shut up and don't discuss them after u have done them since it will result to quarrell.

How is this hard to do?

Better give yourself some sense now

A wise woman will learn the husband and adjust accordingly using common sense to follow him.

Threatening u with divorce is nothing, that is the usual card a man plays to cow a woman to submission he doesn't mean it.

Is this the full story??

Husband seems like an entitled man with a small mindset.


Why is he threatening you? What does he mean by mistake? Were there problems before the marriage? Did his parents, or yours, object?

He seems quite callous but again we only have your view.

grasiouso:
Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

He should stop those ridiculous threats.

However, we only have one side of the story.

Amopeekun:
I beg to differ. She is the problem?! A woman wants to increase her home through her spirituality and her prudent nature and you say she is the problem? Many men would want to marry such women to keep and manage their homes. Suddenly a divorce threat is a normal thing to cow women into submission. Haa! What won't we see in marriage? Abeg she is not the problem sir.
Someone knocks on my door to complain of hunger and i have enough to spare. Suddenly, i remember my husband will divorce me o of i help. So, i just kukuma cowed into my shell and refuse to help.

My sister, your marriage is still very young o. Communicate with him. Put him in prayers, follow some nice advice up there and help people as much as you can without fear, but don't overburden yourself sha. If he doesn't like to hear that you are helping people, zip your mouth, let God be the Judge. Sit him down, listen, understand his fears and work with him with all sincerity. May God be with you.

Same Nigeria that most people's parents come from o.

Mumu is not a default Nigerian characteristic

TheArchangel:
You have entered the see finish period.
The period of power tussle to know who will bend the most.
Please, thou shall not bend more than you should. Marriage is supposed to upgrade your self-esteem not downgrade it.

If your husband is always yapping about submissiveness over trifle issues like this, I'd suggest you keep your mouth shut because he is not your friend or soulmate but a NIGERIAN HUSBAND. You can only blab about anything when you are married to your friend.
Reference the Bible when you do good deeds by keeping your mouth shut.

eyinjuege:
Sorry to say, but your husband is a control freak.
For your peace of mind and his own too, avoid doing chochochocho- meaning learn to keep your mouth shut and don't discuss certain issues with him/decisions you've made.
He is not ready for any form of communication, so don't waste your time with that.
You can always find other things to gist about as a couple, but avoid things you know he thinks in his warped mind he should have the power over.
While at this, always prepare for any eventuality, because he may well carry out his threat about leaving the marriage.



What you have mentioned should have been a red flag NOT to marry him, though unfortunately it was too close to the marriage ceremony. You didn't do anything wrong or untrustworthy.
It's a pity he either doesn't trust your decision making abilities or he has an over inflated ego which I suspect the latter is the case. Anyway, learn to make financially prudent decisions for yourself, and keep quiet about it so far it's your money. I'm sure he is ready to always question any decision you make regarding money you have worked for even though it doesn't affect the running of your home. If he doesn't like you asking others to remeber him in prayers, then don't do it. But that shouldn't stop you from asking others to pray for your own self if that's what you want/believe in.

Exactly! I wouldn’t be surprised if he has spent many five thousand nairas over without telling her. Her best option is to keep quiet and make her own decisions as long it’s her money. What is N5,000 that a grown woman cannot mindlessly spend without having to seek permission??

grasiouso:
Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

Na wa ooo, I would have thought he would foot you guys travel expenses since he was coming to see your parents for marriage, he also made you share transport fare to go visit your own people


I guess you have to stop talking about some things you do without discussing initially with him because all what you have posted are very trivial issues infact nom issues at all. These are things normal couples just mention to each other and hardly elicits any negative reaction. Did he think you kept the difference in the sienna/saloon car tfare for yourself or what.
Men that are petty are really difficult to deal with So you cannot do chochocho with your husband in peace again.


I used work with one very petty guy like that in my place of work very frustrating experience, I almost turned him to a prayer point despite the fact he was not my boss we were just in the same team oo, going to work was becoming a daily night mare and I have said it time without number that whoever marries him is in for a deep shit, I can't imagine a friend of mine marrying him Someone we just see few hours in a days frustrating me and others to that extent I can't imagine what living with him will be like. The most annoying part is people like that don't see anything wrong in what they are doing.

You are right.

cooooooks:
He should stop those ridiculous threats.

However, we only have one side of the story.