Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

hmmmmm

Communication

Threatening divorce? I would leave such a stupid husband, sorry but not sorry. It's better to leave when the marriage is 6months than when its 16 years and it has caused a lot of damage on your mental health.

Anyway, pack your things and go separate, tell him you will come back only on the account of him seeing a psychologist, if he can't do that for you, please leave the asshole. He doesn't want you and probably seeing another woman who is pretending to be stupid, you know how side old chicks can pretend and treat men like heaven and say sorry to them after being cursed. He then expects you to act like that and thus he sees you not submissive. Nah, the issue has nothing to do wit submission, he should even be glad he has a nice wife who would help others during distress

If you don't do this, its possible you cheat on him, emotionally or sexually. Because it could lower your self esteem, and might want to raise it by dating someone who seems to say good things about you

No dear, they are not enough to cause a divorce. Please, try to show more love and pet your husband, ignore his bad words silently and when he is in a good mood, especially in the mid night, have a heart to heart conversation with him. Please converse in a gentle , quiet and solemn manner. With proper communication and prayers , you will surely begin to see changes and enjoy your marriage. Before you have the conversation, please take it to God in prayer first and trust him whole heatedly. You will surely thank God

bukkysam:
hmmmmm

What is "hmmmm" ? .... U de mess

ModestGal:
Hm

What is "hm" ? ... U dey mess

ModestGal:
I would leave such a stupid husband, sorry but not sorry.

Anyway, pack your things and go separate, tell him you will come back only on the account of him seeing a psychologist, if he can't do that for you, please leave the asshole. He doesn't want you and probably seeing another woman who is pretending to be stupid, you know how side old chicks can pretend and treat men like heaven and say sorry to them after being cursed.

If you don't do this, its possible you cheat on him, emotionally or sexually. Because it could lower your self esteem, and might want to raise it by dating someone who seems to say good things about you

If u don' have any meaningful advice to give, please out of the thread.

He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.

This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again.

From your write-up, I noticed that you always do things before you tell your husband. That is what he does not like.

Put your house together. Do not listen to people telling you to divorce your husband.
The issues you are having are minor issues that can be resolved.
Most marriages experience little issues like this, every now and then. Even if you marry another person, there will still be little issues arising.

adadike:
No dear, they are not enough to cause a divorce. Please, try to show more love and pet your husband, ignore his bad words silently and when he is in a good mood, especially in the mid night, have a heart to heart conversation with him. Please converse in a gentle , quiet and solemn manner. With proper communication and prayers , you will surely begin to see changes and enjoy your marriage. Before you have the conversation, please take it to God in prayer first and trust him whole heatedly. You will surely thank God

Thank u my sister

Why should you tell your husband things that you ordinarily should keep to yourself? When you do some good deeds like this, always remember our Lord Jesus' admonition that we should not let our left hands know what our right hands are doing. I am sure it's not all good deeds your husband does that he lets you know.
Next time, as long as your good deeds is not a threat to your marriage, do it without letting him know. By this your father who seeth in secret will reward you in the open.

Dotherightthing:


21. Please spell words correctly when you post, and try to use perfect grammar and punctuation.

With the way you're following the righteousness guy like a bloodhound, don't you think you'll develop high blood pressure or even schizophrenia very soon?

Juliusmomoh:

If u don' have any meaningful advice to give, please out of the thread.

2mentions, you are just looking for my attention, now you have it. How can I help you bruv?

ModestGal:

2mentions, you are just looking for my attention, now you have it. How can I help you bruv?

Sorry , i don't know u are such an Homebreaker

Juliusmomoh:

Sorry , i don't know u are such an Homebreaker

You are in love with me ko?
Trust me, you can't even by the comb for my hair, I'm too expensive for you.
Go work harder and come back, you might be lucky to still meet me single by then

ModestGal:

You are in love with me ko?
Trust me, you can't even by the comb for my hair, I'm too expensive for you.
Go work harder and come back, you might be lucky to still meet me single by then

Hahahaha.... U wey be public sperm deport

It's not everything you must tell him. I think he has complex.some low life men just feel it's a favour marrying a wife. some women are not scared of the D word

ModestGal:
I would leave such a stupid husband, sorry but not sorry.

Anyway, pack your things and go separate, tell him you will come back only on the account of him seeing a psychologist, if he can't do that for you, please leave the asshole. He doesn't want you and probably seeing another woman who is pretending to be stupid, you know how side old chicks can pretend and treat men like heaven and say sorry to them after being cursed.

If you don't do this, its possible you cheat on him, emotionally or sexually. Because it could lower your self esteem, and might want to raise it by dating someone who seems to say good things about you

Thank you for your contribution but please he is not stupid and there's no issue of another woman as much as I know. He has his good side and is awesome in a lot of things except for this issue of tagging me un-submissive and threatening divorce for petty irrelevant issues. I just feel he needs to work on his ego before it spoils things for us.

grasiouso:
Hello fam, please I need sincere advise on this issue. I created this account for this purpose so I can remain anonymous and get as much advise as I can.

I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view. My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels. To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post on Nairaland that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.
I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.

Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. This morning after the prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write. I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him. I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

what does he mean by you are not submissive enuff?Judging by what u said I don't see any unsubmissive behavior here at least you always informed him thereafter.Being married does not mean u lose yourself.Never change you for anyone.
Marriage is supposed to be complementary and not an act of domination.
since he keeps threatening with divorce and says your marriage is a mistake then I would suggest you let go.Life is too short to live it under someone else's shadow.You can't be the only one fighting for the marriage to work you will get exhausted.
If you continue like this you might fall into depression,have a high bp and guess what he may simply move on.

Don't know about you but If my wife openly declares that she made a mistake marrying me then I'll happily divorce her. Life is just too short.

From the two things you have mentioned, what I can deduce is that, there is something fundamental that happened that your husband is referring to and not necessary those two you mentioned.

1. I don't know, there is probably something big or something he termed as big which you might have done in your innocent "impulse" that is really hurtful to him. Although, you guys might have talked over it or even apologize but it's taking him time to move on and the continuous "impulse" action are just striking what he is trying to get over. Those two things are too petty for anyone to hold on to for a divorce.

2. Since you know his only complain, make conscious effort to avoid it and if you must tell him after the event, backdate the sequence of happening and you will be fine. Wisdom is profitable... My opinion

Hi grasiouso,

1) Are your actions entirely wrong?

No, not so much.

2) Are the issues you mentioned things that can be overlooked even after apologising?

Yes, definitely.

3) Should the issues lead to threats of divorce?

No, they ordinarily shouldn't in and of themselves.

Having simply answered your questions, here are 2 main possibilities to note:
1) Your husband may have been nurtured in a home where the woman is almost totally subject to her husband. And any slight shift from that idea makes him label the act as lack of submission. He probably sees your little "independence" (which is completely normal and even encouraged) as not being submissive. It's also possible that you don't often easily take to some of his advice or you argue against them which has made him very critical of your actions.

2) It's very possible your husband has some other dissatisfaction in the marriage or personal life making him very critical of you (almost in a way that resentment could start to brew). How's his expectation vs reality chart on issues like sex, finances, children, romance, family e.t.c. Did one or both of you marry out of coercion of some kind? You need to look into these areas.

Solution to both possible issues?
You need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with him. I guess your marriage is under 2 yrs. He probably doesn't really get some of these things well and needs re-orientation. If the talk doesn't work, talk him into seeing a counsellor or psychologist. If there are books on marriage that deal with this issue, buy and you both should read.
Your husband is probably a really good man as this issue discussed seems to be the only issue. You both married each other and there's got to be reasons you both chose each other. Explore those reasons and make the most of your marriage. Divorce shouldn't be sought unless it's the last option or a life is potentially threatened.

All the best!

Xchangemadeeasy:
From the two things you have mentioned, what I can deduce is that, there is something fundamental that happened that your husband is referring to and not necessary those two you mentioned.

1. I don't know, there is probably something big or something he termed as big which you might have done in your innocent "impulse" that is really hurtful to him. Although, you guys might have talked over it or even apologize but it's taking him time to move on and the continuous "impulse" action are just striking what he is trying to get over. Those two things are too petty for anyone to hold on to for a divorce.

2. Since you know his only complain, make conscious effort to avoid it and if you must tell him after the event, backdate the sequence of happening and you will be fine. Wisdom is profitable... My opinion

Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

Eileene:

what does he mean by you are not submissive enuff?Judging by what u said I don't see any unsubmissive behavior here at least you always informed him thereafter.Being married does not mean u lose yourself.Never change you for anyone.
Marriage is supposed to be complementary and not an act of domination.
since he keeps threatening with divorce and says your marriage is a mistake then I would suggest you let go.Life is too short to live it under someone else's shadow.You can't be the only one fighting for the marriage to work you will get exhausted.
If you continue like this you might fall into depression,have a high bp and guess what he may simply move on.

Exactly my point, why will a man be tagging someone not submissive in this century, when shes not flirting around nor commits some bad behaviour and at worst, hes threatening divorce.

Its because he sees the marriage as a favour to her.
Op looks like someone with low self esteem, that is why he thinks he can threaten her with divorce

Sorry to say, but your husband is a control freak.
For your peace of mind and his own too, avoid doing chochochocho- meaning learn to keep your mouth shut and don't discuss certain issues with him/decisions you've made.
He is not ready for any form of communication, so don't waste your time with that.
You can always find other things to gist about as a couple, but avoid things you know he thinks in his warped mind he should have the power over.
While at this, always prepare for any eventuality, because he may well carry out his threat about leaving the marriage.

grasiouso:


Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

What you have mentioned should have been a red flag NOT to marry him, though unfortunately it was too close to the marriage ceremony. You didn't do anything wrong or untrustworthy.
It's a pity he either doesn't trust your decision making abilities or he has an over inflated ego which I suspect the latter is the case. Anyway, learn to make financially prudent decisions for yourself, and keep quiet about it so far it's your money. I'm sure he is ready to always question any decision you make regarding money you have worked for even though it doesn't affect the running of your home. If he doesn't like you asking others to remeber him in prayers, then don't do it. But that shouldn't stop you from asking others to pray for your own self if that's what you want/believe in.

ModestGal:

Exactly my point, why will a man be tagging someone not submissive in this century, when shes not flirting around nor commits some bad behaviour and at worst, hes threatening divorce.

Its because he sees the marriage as a favour to her.
Op looks like someone with low self esteem, that is why he thinks he can threaten her with divorce

I don't think she is a woman with low self esteem I think she loves him more than he loves her

grasiouso:


Well, there was a fundamental issue. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going. I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

Ma, I'm sorry, but I use God to beg you, do what I told you. Separate from him, request him to see a psychologist, or you both see one.
This man is TOXIC, I repeat, very TOXIC, ma, I'm pitying your mental health ni o. You need to stans your ground on it once and for all and decide.

Your marriage is 6months and he's already threatening divorce during quarrels, something is mentally wrong with your husband. And I don't know why he kept mentioning submission, on issues that has nothing to do with submission.

This man clearly sees a wife like a slave, and yet, he still allow you to contribute to the financial stability of the house. Hes just manipulating you with those words DIVORCE and SUBMISSION

eyinjuege:
Sorry to say, but your husband is a control freak.
For your peace of mind and his own too, avoid doing chochochocho- meaning learn to keep your mouth shut and don't discuss certain issues with him/decisions you've made.
He is not ready for any form of communication, so don't waste your time with that.
You can always find other things to gist about as a couple, but avoid things you know he thinks in his warped mind he should have the power over.
While at this, always prepare for any eventuality, because he may well carry out his threat about leaving the marriage.



What you have mentioned should have been a red flag NOT to marry him, though unfortunately it was too close to the marriage ceremony. You didn't do anything wrong or untrustworthy.
It's a pity he either doesn't trust your decision making abilities or he has an over inflated ego which I suspect the latter is the case. Anyway, learn to make financially prudent decisions for yourself, and keep quiet about it so far it's your money. I'm sure he is ready to always question any decision you make regarding money you have worked for even though it doesn't affect the running of your home. If he doesn't like you asking others to remeber him in prayers, then don't do it. But that shouldn't stop you from asking others to pray for your own self if that's what you want/believe in.

What you want the op to do is not possible, your partner should be your friend, and your confidant. Who would she gist with if not the husband, the marriage is too early for such now. A woman wants to tell her husband everything, gist everything about her day. The woman would become depressed if she has to choose what she tell her husband and might start flirting with men that she could tell things to at her work place.
A marriage should be something to enjoy, her marriage is just 6months and she would start to pretend and keep quiet, that would suffocate her my brother. And also, she would still make mistakes sometimes or if after the shutting up, the husband finds out of one thing she did for about a year ago, that would result in a lot of explosion in the house and fights.

And also, if she gets used to not telling her husband stuffs, it could strengthen her confidence to commit bad acts behind the back when they are not in good terms

eyinjuege:
Sorry to say, but your husband is a control freak.
For your peace of mind and his own too, avoid doing chochochocho- meaning learn to keep your mouth shut and don't discuss certain issues with him/decisions you've made.
He is not ready for any form of communication, so don't waste your time with that.
You can always find other things to gist about as a couple, but avoid things you know he thinks in his warped mind he should have the power over.
While at this, always prepare for any eventuality, because he may well carry out his threat about leaving the marriage.



What you have mentioned should have been a red flag NOT to marry him, though unfortunately it was too close to the marriage ceremony. You didn't do anything wrong or untrustworthy.
It's a pity he either doesn't trust your decision making abilities or he has an over inflated ego which I suspect the latter is the case. Anyway, learn to make financially prudent decisions for yourself, and keep quiet about it so far it's your money. I'm sure he is ready to always question any decision you make regarding money you have worked for even though it doesn't affect the running of your home. If he doesn't like you asking others to remeber him in prayers, then don't do it. But that shouldn't stop you from asking others to pray for your own self if that's what you want/believe in.

Have never and would never have a low self esteem. Was only trying to bend to make the marriage work but it's exhausting.

grasiouso:


Have never and would never have a low self esteem. Was only trying to bend to make the marriage work but it's exhausting.

yeah I know I could sense from your post u have your own self Worth. Stop fighting and bending just go with the flow,hope for the best but prepare for the worst.