₦airaland Forum

I am dealing with a financial issue that is impacting my marriage and I need advice. This is long -- please bare with with me. My husband and I are based abroad. My husband is the youngest of 7 siblings.  My mother in law is around 80 years old and she is based in Nigeria. Some of my mother in law's children  live in Nigeria while some live abroad.

Earlier this year, my mother in law's children decided to sell her home in Lagos and have her move in with her son in Nigeria. My husband was against selling the house and having his mom move in with his brother but since my husband is the youngest and he is abroad, no one took him seriously. Once The house was sold, all the siblings got an equal portion of the profit. 

My mother in law has been living with her son in Nigeria along with his wife for the last 6 months.  Unfortunately, the son and the wife had a very horrible fight. Their marriage was already on the verge of breaking down and this fight ended their marriage. My mother in law witnessed the fight and we were told she fainted and couldn't speak for hours. My mother in law is now staying with one of her daughters in Lagos. My mother in law has made it clear to my husband that she doesn't want to stay permanently with her daughter and she is never going back to the house of her son who had a fight with his wife. My mother in law wants her own place in Lagos. She has a house in the village but she hasn't  lived there in many years and she would be alone and it is far from everyone. If she stays in Lagos, she would be closer to her children and grandchildren. 
Out of 7 children that my mother in law has, my husband is the only one that is willing to contribute money for a place for my mother to stay in Lagos. The other siblings have said they are not willing to contribute money to rent a place for her because they  can't afford it and they also said my mother in law has the following options for where to live:1.  My mother in law can go back to live with the son that had a fight with his wife. My mother in law said she is never going back there.2. She can stay with one of her daughters in Lagos. My mother in law said this is not possible. The daughter's house that she is staying at has 5 people sharing 2 rooms. My mother in law would be the 6h person and she doesn't want that. The other children in Lagos don't have space in their houses.3. She can go back to her house in the village and live there. Again, the village is far from everyone and my mother in law hasn't really lived there. The siblings are fighting among each other and my mother in law is heart broken. My husband loves his mom and would do anything to make her happy.

I've stayed out of this drama as much as possible but now it is starting to affect my marriage. My husband has decided that if the other siblings do not want to contribute money to rent a place in Lagos for my mother in law to live, then he will pay for it using funds from our joint savings account that we share. We are not rich, we are a young couple, married 6 years and we have two young children that we have to pay school fees for.Currently, my husband gives my mother in law money every month for her up keep ( he gives her a total of around 1 million naira per year for her upkeep). I don't have a problem with this. However, if my husband has to rent a place for my mother in law to stay, it would cost another 1 million naira a year. So 2 million naira of our money every year would go towards renting  a place for my mother in law along with money for food, upkeep etc. I told my husband that we shouldn't be the only ones paying for a place for his mom to stay when there are 7 siblings that  can contribute to this. If we split the cost, then the burden won't be on us. He said we don't have any other option since the siblings are saying they can't afford it and won't agree to contribute.

He said the other siblings  don't care about his mom and he doesn't want his mom to die because of this issue. I think the other siblings care about the mom's well being but they won't put up the money to get my mother in law her own place and will also sit back and allow my husband to pay for everything. My husband says this is the only parent that he has alive and he wants her to live. He also said if he cant take the money out of our savings account to pay for this place, then he is willing to take a loan and  would work extra jobs to pay off the loan. My husband already has a busy schedule so him taking on extra jobs would mean less time with me and our children. My husband also said if my parents were in a similar situation he would do the same for them. My husband and I are now arguing over this issue and it is causing stress in our marriage. I feel like he is choosing his mom over our family. 2 million naira every year is a huge sacrifice for us and it is not something we can easily afford without going into debt..If we make this sacrifice, his older siblings will continue to live their normal lives while my husband is the only one sacrificing. I love my husband and want to support him, I don't want to be selfish and want the best for my mother in law but I feel like the financial sacrifice is too much for my husband and I to bare alone. My husband said we don't have an option. If my husband moves forward with his plan and we start to struggle, worry that I might lose my marriage because of an issue that is not even my fault. Please advise.

Ya moda in law effed up by allowing her house 2 b sold 4 selfish interest by those who doesnt have a plan abt ha welfare
bt if u find yaself in d shoes of ya moda in law and 1 of ya reasonable sons is willing 2 help and his wife is nt supporting him 2 help u, hw will u feel?

Karma is a bitch. Be careful

Please, be merciful

Please be merciful. I beg you

While you may be " seeing " the humongous amount. You are not close to the inner lining of what produced the golden geese today that's giving out the cash

Many times because we are closer to money than the process that produces things, we tend to assume money command a higher value than things like relations, process, growth, development and nurturing

Woman, I beseech thee, to let this woman have a happy last days on the earth even as much as the husband your husband desires. You know in your hearts of heart, that you can afford even 3 million per year and your lifestyle wouldn't suffer.

I'm just standing as a man and I'm building my own mum her house in Lagos. I'm committing close to 30 million for this. You don't know what our mothers do in our development but only see the returns and then you get angry


Please. Let peace reign. There's a blessing for it. You're a woman. You have children. You don't know through what actions God can bless you. Please. Let peace reign. Give the man peace. Please


Let him do all he can for the mother, I beg you. I also beg you to see yourself in his mother and genuinely accept her to be your own mother do.


Please. Not claiming you don't have rights. But begging. If you worry about the sustainability of the financial commitments have him setup a business structure around her upkeep like getting a car for user while the driver remits payments to her, which gives your household the possibility of giving her total financial autonomy and independence


Let her cease to be his mother, but also your mother please. Our mothers committed more than we can express to our lovers. Please




May the Lord bless your home and give you a more stable household.

Your husband should do all he can for his mother.
This is not about choosing his mother over his family, it is about a child doing all he can for his mother to make her happy and comfortable.

Stop complicating things. He wants to work extra hours so he can provide for his mum and you ain't satisfied.
Let us always reverse situations and ask ourselves how we will feel if tables are turned.

Being the youngest.....He wouldn't be able to give any order to his siblings according to the Yoruba culture of respect for elders.....



And if he can't do anything for his mother while still alive..... There will be no need doing that for her when she's gone or organising a befitting burial for her and spending money on her burial when she was supposed to enjoy that money while alive....


You have to talk to your mother in-law and have her understand the trouble that her son is about to fetch himself and see if she'll readjust her position and try to fit in where she's currently refusing....

Lalasticlala

Farano

Dominique

Mynd44

RoyalRoy



Front Page Material

Instead of spending such money can't your husband add more money to the 2m and fly her abroad, it would be better if your mother in law stays with the only child that cares about her.

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He should rent her a house in a very decent place and a mini flat would do except he is planning to make one of his siblings relocate to his mum's house. Furnishing isn't done yearly as such, it wouldn't cost up to a million annually. I know plans were not made for the extra annual cost (Mama's rent) however, this is how fate wants it for him.

Besides, he could take it out of the profit he got from the sales of the house his mum was staying.

Your husband has assured he would do same if tables were turned, be compassionate and kind to your MIL


The sacrifice will be well worth it at the end even if you don’t reap an earthly reward it’ll surely count for something in the eyes of your maker

OP, don’t let people guilt you into a financial arrangement you can’t commit to. A rent is a recurring expense.

Don’t touch your savings, if he wants to help his mother (which is very admirable) then he should take an extra job to pay the rent or reduce spending.

Taking on a rent is a huge commitment, you guys don’t want to start what you can’t finish, so you have to plan very well for it. He’s lucky he has a way to make an extra income, he should take it. It’s unfortunate his siblings are apathetic to their own mother.

@Kbrown202019:

This is not your husband choosing his mother over you guys; it is him making decisions with pure emotions.

He sounds like a good husband who is not afraid to be vulnerable and plunge heart deep in issues that concerns him passionately.

Logically, his decision to handle all the expenses makes no sense especially as the other siblings profiteered from selling her house without thoughts of the future.

But again, as humans, we are not perfect hence we need to complement one another in this journey of marriage. Besides, some situations such as this calls for dumping logic aside and doing what gives you peace.

Since you can squeeze out the funds, let him look for a decent apartment in a quiet suburb (one room self con or max two rooms), furnish it and get a house keeper (best a middle aged woman) who can clean after her and keep her company.

If you guys can, travel down to help her furnish the house and set her in it.

Don't let him take the loan or work multiple jobs, take the money from your joint account even if it means reducing your budget for food or entertainment monthly. It is your way of saying 'we are together in this for the long haul baby or daddy Kamoru (whatever rocks your boat ).'

You guys would come out of this stronger and your husband would not forget this in a long time.

kbrown202019:
I am dealing with a financial issue that is impacting my marriage and I need advice. This is long -- please bare with with me. My husband and I are based abroad. My husband is the youngest of 7 siblings.  My mother in law is around 80 years old and she is based in Nigeria. Some of my mother in law's children  live in Nigeria while some live abroad.

Earlier this year, my mother in law's children decided to sell her home in Lagos and have her move in with her son in Nigeria. My husband was against selling the house and having his mom move in with his brother but since my husband is the youngest and he is abroad, no one took him seriously. Once The house was sold, all the siblings got an equal portion of the profit. 
 The siblings are fighting among each other and my mother in law is heart broken. My husband loves his mom and would do anything to make her happy.

g. I love my husband and want to support him, I don't want to be selfish and want the best for my mother in law but I feel like the financial sacrifice is too much for my husband and I to bare alone. My husband said we don't have an option. If my husband moves forward with his plan and we start to struggle, worry that I might lose my marriage because of an issue that is not even my fault. Please advise.

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How much did you get from the proceed of the house that was sold

Sorry to say but you sound a bit selfish. You won't allow him fund the housing from your joint account, you won't allow him work extra hours, so "he could be with you and the kids". Haba! She's his mother, remember? If she didn't bring this husband to the world, you won't see him to marry, let alone dragging him all to yourself.

Your husband will have done his calculations and seen that it won't be much of a burden on you guys before coming up with the idea which you too may know but the mere thought of that amount going to mother in-law is just too much for you to bear. His mother at that??

Just free your mind. Let mama enjoy the little she can now before joining her ancestors. You too will enjoy the fruit of your labor when the time comes. in Jesus name.

Calm down for Jesus. He'll sustain you all.

If that old woman dies without your husband getting her a place for her to stay in her last years.......he'll never forgive you.

Please allow him.....but try to readjust your budget.
The human mind is tricky. Believe me, this act alone will live long in his memory.

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Nigga44:
If that old woman dies without your husband getting her a place for her to stay in her last years.......he'll never forgive you.

Please allow him.....but try to readjust your budget.
The human mind is tricky. Believe me, this act alone will live long in his memory.

That's the thing, when humans don't give their absolute towards a loved one and the loved person dies, whosoever stands in the way of that care will be hated for life.

RightsToReject:
Mama de mama, a true conscientious woman. I wonder why person no go treat you like a "goddess." LOL.

goddess treater, how are you?

i wish you can move mama to stay with me in Abuja.i dont have money o but am very sure she will be happy.i have soft spot for the elderly and children.

See how the actions of some people are stressing others out. Its so unfair for you guys to bear all the burden.

A rent is recurring expense,is that how you guys will keep struggling to pay?
You are already talking about debt from this payment can you people afford this continuously without permanently being in debt

The house should never had been sold. Can't they vomit part of the money they shared.

Am a woman, a wife and a mother. You are a very selfish and wicked woman . Would you have asked this house to advice you, if it were to be ur own Mum?

Remember, by God's special grace, we are going to be mother inlaws some days, when our bones are weak and we are old and gray. Our children's hands shall be our stay to sooth our pains away.

Allow ur hubby to sooth his mums pains please.

Imagine you talking about separation because of this.... Kai my heart is broken �

2special:
Instead of spending such money can't your husband add more money to the 2m and fly her abroad, it would be better if your mother in law stays with the only child that cares about her.

My point exactly.

Two million is much na,
A room and pallor won’t be up to 1 million.
Living alone, would reduce her expenses,
I’m sure the money ur husband has been sending over, she has been using it on her other kids.
Except if she don join church with pay ..

I don't think your husband should start what might be hard to keep up with later. The other siblings have to contribute. He should not have to carry it alone. If the 6 others can contribute 500k, it would be lighter for your husband.

N.B
You could have interchange "my mother inlaw" for "she" in you write up

Klass99:
All I could think of while reading through the original post was - what a bunch of useless children. And to think she had seven of them!! See wetin dem dey do her now in old age, when she should have peace of mind and should be chilling in her own crib/shelter.

No offense to you and your hubby OP, your hubby is the only one being thoughtful and considerate of his mother, so he is fully exempted from my first paragraph.

Has it occured to you, that joining forces with your hubby to take care of his mum may open up a flood gate of blessings for you guys? Honour thy father and mother, is a good thing and a path God can bless. Think of your mother in law as the fifth member of your household.

Do you honestly expect your hubby to do nothing, except his siblings contribute? If you do, that won't be nice of you at all.

I believe children should do right and do well by their parents. You weren't there when this woman cleaned his bum bum, fed him, rushed him to hospital for whatever reason, made other sacrifices or denied herself good things, so he could benefit instead. You weren't there, she was!!!

So, please don't stand in the way of sacrifices that will benefit this old woman now. After all, your hubby's sacrifice won't make up for sacrifices mother in law made, for 20 plus years or so, especially if, she was a good mother.

Cc: Palem a007, do you see what I said about children being selfish and not knowing how to receive or return love, until they are much older or until they become parents themselves? Even as old as these ones are, see the kind yeye wey dey boom for their head! Children are not a necessity for a happy life, abeg.

Lol... Children aren't selfish ooo, Grown ups are. And grown ups are products of upbringing. Teach your child kindness and they will be kind, not only to people around them but to you too.Not all children treat their Mothers the way op's brothers in-law are treating their mother, in fact most don't. There is a higher probability of fathers been maltreated in their old age than mothers. Definitely something is wrong somewhere, all six can't be bad if their isn't lack of empathy in their upbringing. Mother probably nurtured the last born differently. Lol. However she doesn't deserve to suffer at this stage. I wonder though, while some of the children are abroad why does one with a family of 5 live in two rooms. Now that's a clue!. Train your child in the right way and he will not depart from it.

Dear Kbrown202019 please be patient with your husband and take your mother in law as your mother. If you see her that way, you will be able to take see this situation in a different way. Mother is 80 already (i commend her ability to keep a sane and functioning mind at her age , most grannies her age will already be back to their baby selves by now ) Please let Mama live in peace and happiness. One thing is certain her remaining years to live can not be as long as your marriage /family lifespan, [not that I wish her dead, just following the biological theory on average lifespan) why sacrifice numbered years for your marriage/ family ? Because the truth is, if you oppose your husband and his mother die even natural death, he may never forgive you. He will believe she might have lived longer if he had taken proper care of her. Please be wise and patient.

That said, I will suggest since the other siblings are against getting house for her, how about they contribute for her upkeep allowance while your husband foot the house rent bills.? Talk to your husband about this, probably they will reach an agreement so the burden won't be on one. However if they remain adamant, please let your husband do whatever he wants to do.

1 million for a house rent?

Are you planning to rent a four bedroom apartment for her?

Or which part of Lagos is that?

I honestly think this is exaggerated on your part.

Regardless, I think you should let your husband take care of his mother. I don't think he would do it forever.

lilyheaven:
Two million is much na,
A room and pallor won’t be up to 1 million.
Living alone, would reduce her expenses,
I’m sure the money ur husband has been sending over, she has been using it on her other kids.
Except if she don join church with pay pay

I remember my mother in-law, she will always call for money, I asked her one day what she was doing with all her money,
She said a lot of things to pay in the church ...
I Laugh that day tire, she wasn’t even talking about herself, she said church contributions is too much and she must pay.

My thoughts exactly.
I calculated the amount she will get monthly, that's like 83 thousand naira. What does a old woman do with such amount in a month?
Believe me, a lot is going on in that family that isn't nice. But I won't type anything , however the reason why the siblings will rather have Mama live with them than on her own is very glaring! it is well with them!

Palema007:
My thoughts exactly.
I calculated the amount she will get monthly, that's like 83 thousand naira. What does a old woman do with such amount in a month?
Believe me, a lot is going on in that family that isn't nice. But I won't type anything , however the reason why the siblings will rather have Mama live with them than any of them is very glaring! it is well with them!

I honestly think the op has exaggerated that amount..

I think some office workers don't earn that much in a month self in Nigeria today.

Palema007:
My thoughts exactly.
I calculated the amount she will get monthly, that's like 83 thousand naira. What does a old woman do with such amount in a month?
Believe me, a lot is going on in that family that isn't nice. But I won't type anything , however the reason why the siblings will rather have Mama live with them than on her own is very glaring! it is well with them!

Lifestyle differs. Let's not judge people


1. Cable subscription 8000 Naira

2. Feul 8000 Naira

3. Dependants and Social events like church 24000 Naira

4. Feeding 30000 Naira

5. PHCN 5000 Naira

6. Medicals 5000 Naira

7. Spontaneous 5000 Naira

8. Age group association in church and village and for grand children 10000 Naira



This isn't an excuse but a random information to debate your stance