Should I Tell Him How Many Men I Slept With Before We Met?
Soulmates Nov 27, 2020 0 1 Add to Reading List
The value of romantic curiosity and self-disclosure.
Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D.

“I never talk about the past unless they ask... even then I say, ‘Are you sure you want my past to be your present?’" —Julia

“One who is too curious in observing the labor of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity.” —Alexander Pope

“Ignorance is bliss.” —Thomas Gray

Self-disclosure is important in romantic relationships, but should it include one’s sexual history? Does it promote the healthy endurance of romantic relationships? These issues are disputable.

Curiosity, the wish to gain more knowledge, is essential to human life. There is a long philosophical tradition that views knowledge as vital to a good life. A different tradition considers knowledge as a stumbling block to happiness: Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge.

Similarly, in the world of romance, one song states that “to know you is to love you,” while another insists that “familiarity kills desire,” and that mystery is valuable in love and sex. The problematic nature of past knowledge is also expressed in Ingrid Bergman’s claim, “Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”

It is common to be curious about our partner’s sexual experiences, both present and past. However, while their present sexuality may be relevant to the current relationship, their past experiences are often not. Here, I focus on our curiosity of our partner’s past sexuality, more significant in our times when people have had more sexual partners and the feasibility of reunion is greater.

Do you tell your new partner about your exes?

Here are some women's answers to the question of whether to tell their current partner about their exes.

“I can say that this pushes men to envy and comparison while making them restless. Hence, it is a very bad idea. Of course, everything depends on the specific man and his level of self-esteem.” —Lylah

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“Do not say anything. Zero. The beginning of a relationship should be with a clean slate. My previous sexual experiences should not impact the current one.” —Eva

“I try to keep my privacy and do not reveal much information. I share some positive aspects of the current relationship as compared to previous ones, as it generates positive comparison. Similarly, I do not want to hear about their past lovers, unless the comparison is favorable to me.” —Ophira

“I've slept with almost 100 men and this is nobody's business, just my shameful past. I have chosen not to further punish myself by telling any boyfriend. The question of 'numbers’ always comes up and I always say ’30.’'' —Jane

“After 20 years of marriage, I told my husband about my ex. He was extremely upset and our relationship has become hostile, on the verge of divorce.” —Marian

What should not be discussed?

“My ex would have a really bad habit of telling me all the men she'd slept with, penis sizes, intimate details like that and it would really piss me off.” —John

It is perhaps obvious that we should not tell our partners everything, especially not at the beginning of the relationship. Tracey Cox suggests eight things you should never tell your partner:

How good your ex was in bed
How sexually good you were with other lovers
Past behavior that doesn't reflect who you are now
Giving exact numbers of sexual partners
Favorably referencing the same ex more than once
Playful boasting designed to make one’s partner jealous
Any reference to penis size
“I've never had a problem having an orgasm before.”
These prohibitions try to avoid lethal comparison to the current partner. The list can be expanded to issues such as the wonderful vacation you spent in Italy, odd things that one’s ex liked to do in bed, how you met, good traits of the ex, how your girlfriends loved him, how the ex is similar and different from the current partner, the presents he bought you, how he broke your heart, and that you still have feelings toward him.

If people still want to provide information about their sexual past, it is preferable to give vague and open-ended information.

The importance of self-disclosure

“I asked and told. Many men refrain from asking, as it is harder for them to know that their partner slept with many men. There is still a strong negative attitude toward women with a rich sexual past than toward men with such a past.” —Jane

“Most men do not like to hear details about the sexual adventures of their female partner with other men, especially when such details dwarf them.” —Lucy

Despite difficulties in disclosing previous intimate details, self-disclosure enhances intimacy. Indeed, many counselors recommend disclosing your sexual past to your new partner enabling consequent benefits, such as enhancing mutual knowledge, strengthening trust and sincere communication, avoiding repetition of past mistakes, and reducing suspicion about your past. The value of self-disclosure is particularly evident when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases.

Notwithstanding these benefits, studies indicate that positive biases and illusions are valuable in making romantic relationships more satisfying and less distressing. Sustaining a sense of security often requires weaving an elaborate story that both embellishes a partner’s virtues and minimizes their faults. Regardless, not sharing information is not necessarily hiding it—it may be retaining one’s deserved privacy.

Additionally, there are gender differences. Generally, women are more vulnerable than men in intimate relationships and there is a stronger negative stigma for women having sex with many men. Although gender differences are shrinking now, a detailed sexual self-disclosure by women may be more harmful and likely to make their partners more jealous and insecure. One can argue that early self-disclosure can reveal the jealous and insecure nature of their partners. This is true, but such characteristics may be easier to detect in other circumstances, without the risk of hurting the partner.

Another gender difference concerns the timing of sexual self-disclosure. Based upon her experience, Hanna said that “most men are egocentric—they prefer to talk than to listen. Even on the first date, they brag about their sexual performances, thereby eliminating my wish to share about myself.”

To tell or not to tell?

“My second husband asked me whether my first husband’s c*ck was bigger than his. I did not want to lie and said, ‘Yes, very much so.’” —Rebecca

“It is more important to tell him how many men you’ve slept with after meeting him.” —Harold

There is no golden rule determining what and when to tell your current partner about past sexual partners—it depends on the nature and development of the bond. Generally, not revealing anything is problematic and sharing all details is worse.

Open and sincere discussions are significant, though the question of timing is crucial. Sharing details of your exes on a first date through tiring stories is unadvisable. A better way to get to know each other is through ongoing interactions that reveal your authentic nature.

Sexual self-disclosure enhances the toxic aspect of comparison. Thus, Rebecca’s second husband, who asked her about her first husband’s penis size, thought for many years that her first husband was better in bed as well—something that was untrue. This is an example of sincerity that destroys relationships, more so than insincerity.

Unlike the prevailing view that encourages us to share our deepest secrets, conversely, escape can be valuable in coping with harsh reality. There is no sense in focusing on past events we cannot change for this only increases negative rumination. Not discussing one’s previous sexual behavior is, in a sense, avoidance of an emotional minefield. People should avoid revealing specific details that may have an enduring harmful impact.

Describing past experiences should not result in comparing or evaluating one’s present partner, but rather create positive learning that enhances the existing relationship. This is possible if done with great moderation and sensitivity.

For other spicy articles visit
https://www.positivepsychology.org.ng/

Hmm. That question get as e be.
But, Yes! I feel it's no big deal talking if your partner asks.

As far as you are sure your partner is matured enough and can handle the knowledge of the meter reading you are about to mention

What do I know sef

Yea i do that a lot even with exaggeration and soberness just to get them confess thier meriad of evil

Tell him that I also slept with you

I thought you were asking a question, but you ended up drafting a thesis with a link to a blog.
Biko, blogger blogger, are we still answering your question or not?

With how easily men can get angry over past sexual experiences .

Most women will lie about their number because it doesn’t make them desirable.


If most women tell the truth about their dick riding adventures, they will never get married...

I slept with someone’s wife sometimes last year .
Her excuse for cheating was the husband is not rough enough and doesn’t fuucck her ass hole.
I advised her to talk to him about and she said if I told him everything I like about sex he can never marry me.

I just died instantly.

grim33:
With how easily men can get angry over past sexual experiences .

Most women will lie about their number because it doesn’t make them desirable.


If most women tell the truth about their dick riding adventures, they will never get married...

I slept with someone’s wife sometimes last year .
Her excuse for cheating was the husband is not rough enough and doesn’t fuucck her ass hole.
I advised her to talk to him about and she said if I told him everything I like about sex he can never marry me.

I just died instantly.

So u de fukccc people wife abi

There go soon show you for channels news



Olumo rock fall on ur goat testes

Well she was my girlfriend... she chose to marry the guy . I no stop her. She came to my house to fuucck me what will you have me do.

You be hypocrite with style o.

If you no fuucck person wife then dey fuukkk your own. You never just catch them.

pyyxxaro:




So u de fukccc people wife abi

There go soon show you for channels news



Olumo rock fall on ur goat testes

grim33:
Well she was my girlfriend... she chose to marry the guy . I no stop her. She came to my house to fuucck me what will you have me do.

You be hypocrite with style o.

If you no fuucck person wife then dey fuukkk your own. You never just catch them.

E nor go tay , we go see ur highlight


Continue to de dance makosa on top people wife

If there was a situation in the past and the ugly head is now encroaching to the present, maybe you should.
Otherwise, I think no one should.
It could be very heartbreaking, cos you will never have imagined it.

shooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!!!!!!!!!!


issokay!!!

things is it might be upsetting knowing your lady body count has risen up more than u can imagine but still if u guys want to talk about it both of y'all should just come clean.

I remembered... my current girlfriend I had to let her know my past like how many girls have slept with and all before she could open up, cuz she was kinda of scared she will lose me but later she told me some stuff and very bad thing she did in her past and when I look back at mine last last I still bad pass her. the thing is as far as her pvnani never become borehole we are good to go. shooooooooooooooooooter!!!!!

I mentioned 1 person you turn at to “ people “ hmmm I’m done with you

pyyxxaro:





E nor go tay , we go see ur highlight


Continue to de dance makosa on top people wife

Honestly this is why I so much crave for a virgin wife. I'm not strong enough to imagine my spouse on different specs of pricks. Who knows, during her orgasm she might call me ' Charles hit me harder! I'm cuming!!!'

PS-I don't intend to body shame no girl here, I'm just not strong enough