₦airaland Forum

justosee:
how many young men will buy val gift for their father tomorrow?

And how many young men will buy for their mothers Do our young men buy val gifts for parents in this part of the world?? Where are u from??

Rubbiish:
And how many young men will buy for their mothers Do our young men buy val gifts for parents in this part of the world?? Where are u from??

You will know a lot of Nigerian men buy gift for their mother on val day, if you are not out of touch with present realities.

Second question:

How many times do you see young men celebrating their father on social media? Who celebrate father's day?

felt:
I struggle a lot because I don't have an emotional relationship with my dad. He never opened up about anything, not even his childhood, failures and all. He is well respected, so it always feel like a struggle to be as good as him. He is nicer to people outside and just cold at home. I don't even want him to be nice at this point because I am already used to him being cold, but I still hate it.

I grew up with a "2 parent" childhood. I say two because my parents have been together for about 30years and basically argued all through.. For about 15 years, have never slept in the same room.

It may sound crazy but I can tell you all my life, I ve seen him laugh just once with us, and that day, I was shocked and confused how to respond to it. If I never saw him happy with his friends, I d have thought he was never capable of it.

He never congratulated me, instead compares us with others. Even when I finished sec school, the first words from his mouth with disgusting look was "no prizes" when he realised I didn't receive any graduation prize.

No one feels comfortable with him. We can't even be around close perimeter when he is around, we speak to him from a corner because of fear. It's extremely uncomfortable when you find yourself alone with him, because the only conversation is perhaps a complaint or talking about the future, and it is one-directional and controlling.

Yes, he didn't really beat us, but he was and is still distant and extremely controlling. If he entered the sitting room, we all left. He watches (TV) news alone and even if we just weren't interested, he makes us feel worse by asking us questions and ridiculing us for not knowing. And not a joke type of ridicule, but plain... "Are you stupid" type. The first time he saw me watching a movie at 14, he called me stupid watching people make money, instead of learning how to make mine. First time I genuinely asked him a question about something I didn't understand in my science book, he made me look so stupid. It made me doubt myself so bad and want to choke myself whenever I didn't understand anything. But looking back, how will I really fully understand something I ve never seen and a young age. Infact the exact topic was on electromagnetism (Motors and generators).. But I was 13yrs old. I remember I will then read random abstract non-related books online to force myself to understand everything, and go in a loop when. I can't. Recently I ve tried to slowly and very consciously tell myself that it is okay not to understand sometimes.

The atmosphere around him is horrible. Very horrible. I hate being around him, I do. I am closer with my managers at work than him. I tend to bond more to strangers than home. And I am by no stretch a failure, I have achieved things that people would have doubted I did, but he never congratulated me. Instead he makes me feel bad for not doing it his way or not doing better. He compared me with many people growing up, but now I am better than them, he never congratulated me.


I don't like him. People say they love their dad. I basically simply do not!. I only feel appreciation towards him and tbh, I d love to gather and return all the money I think he may have spent on me growing up, so maybe I will feel free. I don't just like him.

To our Older people here,.. Please help me...

I m getting past my mid 20's and this is troubling me. I don't want to say this, but tbh, I hate him, I hate the person he made me become. I do understand people have fights with their spouses but I question what we (kids) really did to deserve this. What was our offence

Maybe my offence is existing and I am sorry for doing that Sir.





Edit. For those asking. My relationship with my mum is essentially dead! I live two worlds with her. Most of our conversations is about her fights with my dad and while I am not relating it toq him directly, for other whole reasons, I don't like her too. But at least, I am able to say simple things to her.

Bros,I believe yours is good oo..at least he's doing his parental duties,pay your bills,guy,I don't recall wen my dad ask which day is market?,or how much is your school fees �,or even carry phone and call one day...he doesn't know when I took jamb,and got admission, infact before the Corona,my course adviser already told me that I'll be ask to withdraw voluntarily from sch because I haven't paid my 100lev sch..if not for Corona,I hustle,I serve bricklayer tire,I Kon Sabi lay bricks,I gather 86k to pay sch fee, instead of 76k cos of late payment,my 200lev 46k too,now na house rent I dey battle,d landlord just wake say na 80k, before it was 50k, like this even to see cheaper house,e nor dey,cos d rush of resumption,, many students just dey look for house badly,all landlord just increase rent,Bros sch resume since Feb 1st I still dey go work,na Wednesday I resume,I be like stranger, landlord dey disturb me,who I wan call,na only my mama dey call,dey ask , father?.abeg mk we rest..

The problem is patriarchal family system in Nigeria and the women that also reinforce it. This makes the man behave like a God and a commander of some sort. From the little I've seen, if the legal divorce system in Nigeria is like that of the western countries where alimony and child support is implemented, most women, like over 90% will divorce their husbands. I won't be surprised if the OP's mother waited because of her kids and unintentionally got sucked in by the emotional trauma she's passing through in the hands of her husband.
I know it's not easy to forgive but pity him. For your sanity, keep your distance but send upkeep money home to your parents.

felt:
I struggle a lot because I don't have an emotional relationship with my dad. He never opened up about anything, not even his childhood, failures and all. He is well respected, so it always feel like a struggle to be as good as him. He is nicer to people outside and just cold at home. I don't even want him to be nice at this point because I am already used to him being cold, but I still hate it.

I grew up with a "2 parent" childhood. I say two because my parents have been together for about 30years and basically argued all through.. For about 15 years, have never slept in the same room.

It may sound crazy but I can tell you all my life, I ve seen him laugh just once with us, and that day, I was shocked and confused how to respond to it. If I never saw him happy with his friends, I d have thought he was never capable of it.

He never congratulated me, instead compares us with others. Even when I finished sec school, after the graduation event when everyone is happy, the first words from his mouth with a disgusting look was "no prizes" when he realised I didn't receive any graduation prize.

No one feels comfortable with him. We can't even be around close perimeter when he is around, we speak to him from a corner because of fear. It's extremely uncomfortable when you find yourself alone with him, because the only conversation is perhaps a complaint or talking about the future, and it is one-directional and controlling.

Yes, he didn't really beat us, but he was and is still distant and extremely controlling. If he entered the sitting room, we all left. He watches (TV) news alone and even if we just weren't interested, he makes us feel worse by asking us questions and ridiculing us for not knowing. And not a joke type of ridicule, but plain... "Are you stupid" type. The first time he saw me watching a movie at 14, he called me stupid watching people make money, instead of learning how to make mine. First time I genuinely asked him a question about something I didn't understand in my science book, he made me look so stupid. It made me doubt myself so bad and want to choke myself whenever I didn't understand anything. But looking back, how will I really fully understand something I ve never seen and a young age...at 13 years old. Infact the exact topic was on electromagnetism (Motors and generators).. I can cram the definitions and did relatively well in the tests, I was only looking for an actual understanding. I remember I will then read random abstract non-related books online to force myself to understand everything, and go in a loop when. I can't. Recently I ve tried to slowly and very consciously tell myself that it is okay not to understand sometimes.

The atmosphere around him is horrible. Very horrible. I hate being around him, I do. I am closer with my managers at work than him. I tend to bond more to strangers than home. And I am by no stretch a failure, I have achieved things that people would have doubted I did, but he never congratulated me. Instead he makes me feel bad for not doing it his way or not doing better. He compared me with many people growing up, but now I am better than them, he never congratulated me.


I don't like him. People say they love their dad. I basically simply do not!. I only feel appreciation towards him and tbh, I d love to gather and return all the money I think he may have spent on me growing up, so maybe I will feel free. I don't just like him.

To our Older people here,.. Please help me...

I m getting past my mid 20's and this is troubling me. I don't want to say this, but tbh, I hate him, I hate the person he made me become. I do understand people have fights with their spouses but I question what we (kids) really did to deserve this. What was our offence

Maybe my offence is existing and I am sorry for doing that Sir.

Do I know you, felt?

No reason am. That is how most fathers behave.I have similar experience. Mine could have been worse had stroke not come along and pacify this old brute.

felt:
I struggle a lot because I don't have an emotional relationship with my dad. He never opened up about anything, not even his childhood, failures and all. He is well respected, so it always feel like a struggle to be as good as him. He is nicer to people outside and just cold at home. I don't even want him to be nice at this point because I am already used to him being cold, but I still hate it.

I grew up with a "2 parent" childhood. I say two because my parents have been together for about 30years and basically argued all through.. For about 15 years, have never slept in the same room.

It may sound crazy but I can tell you all my life, I ve seen him laugh just once with us, and that day, I was shocked and confused how to respond to it. If I never saw him happy with his friends, I d have thought he was never capable of it.

He never congratulated me, instead compares us with others. Even when I finished sec school, after the graduation event when everyone is happy, the first words from his mouth with a disgusting look was "no prizes" when he realised I didn't receive any graduation prize.

No one feels comfortable with him. We can't even be around close perimeter when he is around, we speak to him from a corner because of fear. It's extremely uncomfortable when you find yourself alone with him, because the only conversation is perhaps a complaint or talking about the future, and it is one-directional and controlling.

Yes, he didn't really beat us, but he was and is still distant and extremely controlling. If he entered the sitting room, we all left. He watches (TV) news alone and even if we just weren't interested, he makes us feel worse by asking us questions and ridiculing us for not knowing. And not a joke type of ridicule, but plain... "Are you stupid" type. The first time he saw me watching a movie at 14, he called me stupid watching people make money, instead of learning how to make mine. First time I genuinely asked him a question about something I didn't understand in my science book, he made me look so stupid. It made me doubt myself so bad and want to choke myself whenever I didn't understand anything. But looking back, how will I really fully understand something I ve never seen and a young age...at 13 years old. Infact the exact topic was on electromagnetism (Motors and generators).. I can cram the definitions and did relatively well in the tests, I was only looking for an actual understanding. I remember I will then read random abstract non-related books online to force myself to understand everything, and go in a loop when. I can't. Recently I ve tried to slowly and very consciously tell myself that it is okay not to understand sometimes.

The atmosphere around him is horrible. Very horrible. I hate being around him, I do. I am closer with my managers at work than him. I tend to bond more to strangers than home. And I am by no stretch a failure, I have achieved things that people would have doubted I did, but he never congratulated me. Instead he makes me feel bad for not doing it his way or not doing better. He compared me with many people growing up, but now I am better than them, he never congratulated me.


I don't like him. People say they love their dad. I basically simply do not!. I only feel appreciation towards him and tbh, I d love to gather and return all the money I think he may have spent on me growing up, so maybe I will feel free. I don't just like him.

To our Older people here,.. Please help me...

I m getting past my mid 20's and this is troubling me. I don't want to say this, but tbh, I hate him, I hate the person he made me become. I do understand people have fights with their spouses but I question what we (kids) really did to deserve this. What was our offence

Maybe my offence is existing and I am sorry for doing that Sir.

I thought I have heard it all until this.

Did your dad stopped schooling for some reasons or your mom was not his choice to marry,but had to because he got her pregnant?

I think he is just bitter with himself about an event that happened in the past.A future that was never to be

iamadonis2:
Do I know you, felt?

I 'd doubt. Saw your posts and I' m not sure we ve ever come in contact.. But I still relate with some of your experiences

tommy589:
I thought I have heard it all until this.

Did your dad stopped schooling for some reasons or your mom was not his choice to marry,but had to because he got her pregnant?

I think he is just bitter with himself about an event that happened in the past.A future that was never to be

My dad is well educated and actually respected. And tbh, if you met him, you ll think he is the nicest person there is. But at home is a different person. It's like a switch.
I suspect something happened a while back that was just not resolved. I have no idea on how they met- we just never discuss those sort of things. My mum tho says it was arranged.

dominique:
I knew this topic wouldn't get up to 5 replies before they start blaming the man's failure at parenting at the wife. In reality we know what's happening. Most men don't bond with their kids, they feel the only thing they owe their kids is money, they push their kids away with too much strictness. Once the children are old and on their feet, they want to start getting close but it becomes awkward, they blame the mother for turning their kids against them.

Don't bond with your kids you hear, continue pushing them away because you can conveniently blame your failure at parenting at their mother. We're in the generation of woke kids, if you do anyhow you see anyhow. Let's even look at it critically, how can one person have so much power to turn you against your own parent? That further proves how much the father had failed in parenting.

You have successfully turned this to a gender war. Sense is very far from you.

Those guys that blamed the mother for the woes of the father are stupid as well.

Kai! The way many of you people think ehn?

How did you conclude that most men failed at parenting? Olori nla!

felt:
I 'd doubt. Saw your posts and I' m not sure we ve ever come in contact.. But I still relate with some of your experiences

You sound like a girl I once loved who is still very much present in my life after all these years.

Well I’ll tell you what I always tell her:

Avoid the lure to want to be successful just to please your Dad; you’ll end up empty.

The first valid excuse you can get to move out, please do.

Don’t try to mediate in your mum and dad affairs. It’s not your battle and will never be.

Klass99:
Oh yes, we do. I guess opposite poles attract. My own mother tried this with me too, if you see the mental walls and defences I put up to guard myself against it ehn?

In my mind I was like, there's nothing you will tell me about this man that will make me turn on him, because I grew up seeing him pay the bills, handle his responsibilities and do right by all of us, wetin you wan come tell me?

You have a good heart...God bless you.

Vicdgreat556:
Bros,I believe yours is good oo..at least he's doing his parental duties,pay your bills,guy,I don't recall wen my dad ask which day is market?,or how much is your school fees �,or even carry phone and call one day...he doesn't know when I took jamb,and got admission, infact before the Corona,my course adviser already told me that I'll be ask to withdraw voluntarily from sch because I haven't paid my 100lev sch..if not for Corona,I hustle,I serve bricklayer tire,I Kon Sabi lay bricks,I gather 86k to pay sch fee, instead of 76k cos of late payment,my 200lev 46k too,now na house rent I dey battle,d landlord just wake say na 80k, before it was 50k, like this even to see cheaper house,e nor dey,cos d rush of resumption,, many students just dey look for house badly,all landlord just increase rent,Bros sch resume since Feb 1st I still dey go work,na Wednesday I resume,I be like stranger, landlord dey disturb me,who I wan call,na only my mama dey call,dey ask , father?.abeg mk we rest..

This is one of the reasons I hate Nigerians, everyone needs financial and emotional support from their parents so keep quiet with this nonsense is it his fault that your in such a situation.

SAME with me.

AT a point, I disowned his being my father.

felt:
I struggle a lot because I don't have an emotional relationship with my dad. He never opened up about anything, not even his childhood, failures and all. He is well respected, so it always feel like a struggle to be as good as him. He is nicer to people outside and just cold at home. I don't even want him to be nice at this point because I am already used to him being cold, but I still hate it.

I grew up with a "2 parent" childhood. I say two because my parents have been together for about 30years and basically argued all through.. For about 15 years, have never slept in the same room.

It may sound crazy but I can tell you all my life, I ve seen him laugh just once with us, and that day, I was shocked and confused how to respond to it. If I never saw him happy with his friends, I d have thought he was never capable of it.

He never congratulated me, instead compares us with others. Even when I finished sec school, after the graduation event when everyone is happy, the first words from his mouth with a disgusting look was "no prizes" when he realised I didn't receive any graduation prize.

No one feels comfortable with him. We can't even be around close perimeter when he is around, we speak to him from a corner because of fear. It's extremely uncomfortable when you find yourself alone with him, because the only conversation is perhaps a complaint or talking about the future, and it is one-directional and controlling.

Yes, he didn't really beat us, but he was and is still distant and extremely controlling. If he entered the sitting room, we all left. He watches (TV) news alone and even if we just weren't interested, he makes us feel worse by asking us questions and ridiculing us for not knowing. And not a joke type of ridicule, but plain... "Are you stupid" type. The first time he saw me watching a movie at 14, he called me stupid watching people make money, instead of learning how to make mine. First time I genuinely asked him a question about something I didn't understand in my science book, he made me look so stupid. It made me doubt myself so bad and want to choke myself whenever I didn't understand anything. But looking back, how will I really fully understand something I ve never seen and a young age...at 13 years old. Infact the exact topic was on electromagnetism (Motors and generators).. I can cram the definitions and did relatively well in the tests, I was only looking for an actual understanding. I remember I will then read random abstract non-related books online to force myself to understand everything, and go in a loop when. I can't. Recently I ve tried to slowly and very consciously tell myself that it is okay not to understand sometimes.

The atmosphere around him is horrible. Very horrible. I hate being around him, I do. I am closer with my managers at work than him. I tend to bond more to strangers than home. And I am by no stretch a failure, I have achieved things that people would have doubted I did, but he never congratulated me. Instead he makes me feel bad for not doing it his way or not doing better. He compared me with many people growing up, but now I am better than them, he never congratulated me.


I don't like him. People say they love their dad. I basically simply do not!. I only feel appreciation towards him and tbh, I d love to gather and return all the money I think he may have spent on me growing up, so maybe I will feel free. I don't just like him.

To our Older people here,.. Please help me...

I m getting past my mid 20's and this is troubling me. I don't want to say this, but tbh, I hate him, I hate the person he made me become. I do understand people have fights with their spouses but I question what we (kids) really did to deserve this. What was our offence

Maybe my offence is existing and I am sorry for doing that Sir.

dominique:
I knew this topic wouldn't get up to 5 replies before they start blaming the man's failure at parenting at the wife. In reality we know what's happening. Most men don't bond with their kids, they feel the only thing they owe their kids is money, they push their kids away with too much strictness. Once the children are old and on their feet, they want to start getting close but it becomes awkward, they blame the mother for turning their kids against them.

Don't bond with your kids you hear, continue pushing them away because you can conveniently blame your failure at parenting at their mother. We're in the generation of woke kids, if you do anyhow you see anyhow. Let's even look at it critically, how can one person have so much power to turn you against your own parent? That further proves how much the father had failed in parenting.

I had more to what the OP experienced. I never experienced fatherly love at any moment of my life. There was actually sth he taught me by his actions; to be a direct opposite of a father.

Absentee fathers reap their rewards after. Whether you work 12 to 12 o r from January to December, find time to be in ur kids lives. It's not ur gifts they remember or the school fees you paid it's ur presence in their lives. The times you made them laugh etc.

My father's work took him away for up-to 4 months but when he's in we can't get enough of him. those who'd plait his Afro hair, those he'd read and counsel, his meals we shared with him, the times we rode on his car or back etc, the special meals he made for us.The folklore stories. Its been 16 yrs he died but we still celebrate him everyday.Stop using ur tight schedule as an excuse to not be part of your kids lives.



Stop blaming the women, correct whatever impression they have of you by being present in th heir lives. If they misbehave in your absence don't let your wife threaten them that she will report to you,ut only reinforces fear of you in their lives.She should rather give the punishment herself. Your time with them should be thoroughly enjoyed and the memories relished.Tell them your stories, your successes.Tell them you love them and kiss their cheeks. It won't make you less a man. This is my husband and I principle.Hes not with us but my kids discuss him everyday like he's right there.

Klass99:
Oh well being a Sunday, here goes...........

But a woman was able to manipulate you into eating the fruit you were expressly told not to eat, long before she ever arrived.

How was she able to manipulate you like that? And please where was your logical reasoning ability then?

If only you employed the use of it, you would have saved us all from the stress and predicaments of this world today

It is interesting how you mostly fail to use that logic of yours, at times when it matters most! But continue to shout it from the roof tops like a noisy gong.

Your analogy doesn't tally with the discuss!
Eve deceiving the first man is different from mothers manipulating their sons! Eve deceived Adam because he was emotionally weak, Adam is just one man out of many! Not all men are emotionally weak & can be manipulated by women!!! Generalizing sons are easily manipulated by mothers is lame! The girl child is more emotional than d male child & will always pitch tent with the mother because of the gender factor! Unless u choose to deceive yourself!

Klass99:
Rubbiish, it is okay!

There's no need to bust a vein over my personal experience with the matter or comment at all.

Why are you even so worked up over a stranger's real life experience and her account of it?

Be calming down o!

I am not worked up!
Just tying to correct a specious impression!
That's all

Hmm.. well plenty of Nigerian fathers are like that.

Well in my case, the man is less cold, just more distant.

It's like we are strangers that are acquainted.
It's unfortunate, but all I feel towards him is nothing but indifference.

But I won't be ungrateful to the fact that he did his best to provide for the family.

felt:
I deliberately kept this to my dad alone because recently I had to deal with him on various issues.
My relationship with my mum is essentially dead! I live two worlds with her. Most of our conversations is me listening to her fights with my dad and things I don't believe in. The only thing is that at least I can stand beside her while she talks and at the very least, I can communicate basic things with her, like "help me buy this foodstuff"

Tbh, its a totally big topic with my mum, but I think I prefer to keep this one sided for now... None of them have an idea about my personal life.

I don't know the feeling when people put their mum online and say nice things there, infact when she calls me about "mothers day" I genuinely feel manipulated


cchub
HarunaWest

I just hope you’re different with your kids, because these things are generational even if you don’t intend it to be.