otimize:
I have
taken time to read several comments that you have posted as a reply to posts on this thread. Forgive me but i dont trust your desires. Best advice thou, tell him you feel your marriage to him is a big mistake, show him this thread on nairaland, or occupy yourself with the things of God, cus u look like someone with so much fleshy thoughts.

konvict0111:
Sure, I could infer that he might be that kind of person. Still try to have a bit of patience with him.

At times, in the life of a man, there are things one might not be willing to share, until at last, victory is won!

I know this sounds a bit like a parable, yet, I hope it explains to you how difficult it is to put things across in certain situation and context.

Maybe this is your husband's dilemma,or, maybe not. But how would it interest you if I said that you husband might be thinking about this situation and feels more disturbed than you are. What if through the years your understanding and support is what has kept your man encouraged moving forward.

My dear, it should count for something if your husbands comes from europe "only once in a year" to see you and the kids, or, that he lives in far away europe and acknowledges that he has a family back home and tries to live up to this by sending something for your welfare and the well being of your God given kids.

I accept these may not be all there is to life, just as I do not object that your situation could be better than what currently obtains. The fact that I have tried to stress in my long and I hope, not too boring, episode is that you must learn to look on the brighter side of things.

Just think of the jibes people, generally, try to put up with everyday, all in a bid to survive. People go to work, get insulted but continue to work hard and nurse ambition. If we work this hard for the other affairs of life, why not for our marriage.

I am sorry this tough for you, madam, but give it your all, recondition your mindset and satisfy yourself that you did all you could to salvage your marriage but failed.

Although, I am convinced you will not fail as I see that this road is set to make all the difference for you and your family, if you factor that fortunes always favour the brave and that where there is a will, there is a way!

Again, I wish you all the best! Thank you. You have really encouraged me.

Konvict0111

konvict0111:
I see you have a genuine situation right there, but please do not take advice you get from this forum seriously.

At best, it will only help fast track a divorce leaving only you at the receiving end. You may wish to carefully think about that later.

For some reasons, i have felt too lazy to try to articulate what i wish to suggest for you to do under the circumstance, however, as a general note, kindly engage with your husband in an open conversation and simply help him realise your point of view. Do this without any intention to pressure him into some hasty decision making; coupled with this, assure him that he has your support and that you have his, but most of all, your family's best interest at heart.

Now don't expect an instant miracle after this, but you must try to sustain this process and keep his mind engaged in this manner. In the end, you would be happy you took this route.

Finally, do not make the mistakes of taking what might in the meantime appear to you as an "easy decision", avoid extra-marital affairs for your own health and peace of mind, as well as, those of your kids. See your situation as a challenge, resolve to overcome it and make this story an example that will inspire many after you!

I wish you the very best in your marriage and never give up!

dozzynet:


Heart to Heart talk with your hubby is what you need at this stage of your marital life. It seems you stay around Amakohia/Akwakuma axis,right?

damiso:
TV's advice was spot on.

Just to add to that when having that heart to heart conversation try to leave out too many emotional outbursts( I feel you and I know that it is an emotive issue and you might have to pull at his heart strings ) but try to adopt a goal/resolution approach to the issue.

Try to get him to commit to realistic timelines as well and not just vague ' I will do it'. i.e . lets works towards the end of 2016 beginning 2017.

Finance might also be a factor and you might have to be prepare yourself maybe take a cut in what he provides at the moment so he can save toward reuniting the family.If you have your own income sef volunteer to contribute towards the costs no matter how little I.e little little stuff like paying for administrative and documentation on the Nigerian end. That way he wont have the excuse of affordability.Visa and residency costs can be really high especially if he has to employ the services of an immigration lawyer.

It is well with you and your home.

TV01:

And you have every right to expect and demand that in marriage.

There may well be a case of shakey foundations - were things fully disclosed, discussed understood and agreed? Having said that, situations change, and your expectations are reasonable and legitimate. I really feel for you.

You need to engage your husband directly on this - preferably face to face. If his next visit is imminent, plan towards it. State exactly what you have above. Tell him about your needs, your desires - all rightful - and the frustration, temptations, and of course welfare of your children.

As much as I hate involving 3rd parties, it may be an idea to discuss first with your parents and then possibly have a fuller meeting with his, and sit down with hubby whne he's back. I hope they don't have any entrenched attitudes in favour of this kind of arrangement or bias due to support they recieve from him.

If it is not imminent, I think he should be impressed upon to bring his next trip forward as soon as possible. There are a number of worries here;

It could genuinely be difficulties regularising his papers. You need to know the steps required, the action being taken and timelines. It could be it's easier for him to live there and fund your staying at home.

The initial effort to establish or stabilise a family can be huge. But this begs questions about how he is satisfying his intimacy needs? And emphasis should always be on the kids, kids, kids. The earlier they are over there, the better they adapt.

He may well think bringing you to Europe may change the dynamic of your relationship. The truth is, men are at the mercy of their wives here and he may have seen some scary things.

And be willing ot think creatively and ahead. Is there a case for him returning home?

Whatever the case, it's best that you are exactly clear on the situation, then you can plan accordingly and hopefully look forward to the time you'll be together.

I commend you for the sacrifices you have made for the union and wish you and your family all the very best.


TV

Phema:


Does he have his papers? Is he living abroad legally? If not, he won't be able to take you and the kids over.

If however, he is living there legally, not doing badly financially and still refuses to take you guys, then something is definitely fishy. Another paper wife maybe?

Have you been able to visit him within these 5 years?

BluStreak:
I feel your pain @OP. Nothing can be as traumatising as having your partner Oceans away when you are legally bound together. It becomes even more burdensome when you respect your dignity and marriage vows (which is fast eroding in today's Nigeria) and choose not to step out on your partner or form an unholy liaison with the opposite sex. It doesn't all have to be about s#x but the very basic ingredient that marriage is built on which is companionship. This very type of companionship cannot be provided by ones kids or relative. So I really do feel your pain prinwa. May God intervene in your situation and also hold you together not to loose it. I'll remember you in my prayers. Amen thanks alot I really appreciate.

Brandnew2:

So I'm guessing you need companionship that is sexual In nature and that you can only get legitimately from your hubby.

I don't want to judge but it seem you have served the purpose he needs you for which is bear him children and raise them.

innervoice:


It was arranged or it wasn't?

spikezz:



chooi y does diz ur
story sound so similar 2
someone i kno..
iz yuh hubby a youth pastor?
jokez apart.

tell him to recolate
back to 9ja
being wit family iz far
more important dan
anything else hez chasin' up in
d uk

innervoice:


Your kids are already growing up without their father.
Our ladies are as gullible as some white ladies who fall for scam marriages.
Your man lives abroad and MOST men who live abroad and have wives back home live their lives abroad like the marriage never took place in the first place. Is that your marriage an arranged marriage?

Brandnew2:
@Prinwa you can get the companionship you need from friends either male or female. Do you have any?

MarvellousGod:
Her marriage is five years old already and I'm sure the law wasn't like that then.... Don't know about the present law though...

Op, if he told you the marriage was going to be like this but you still went ahead, then I wonder what your headache is... You don't want obodo oyibo husband again?

Xiadnat:


Oral contraceptive or just contraceptive. Clearly you have hormonal imbalance. IT can happen after delivery. I would still go and see your gyn for possible contraception.

Xiadnat:
6th of march is LMP? Well, today is only 9th of April. I would say irregular menses is normal for a while after delivery. I would go and see a gyn. Did you see one for your 6month post partum visit? If not, time for visit your gyn. You may need to get on OCP to regulate period.

Best.

Adesiji77:
You just have to agree that this Jega is a gentleman...