₦airaland Forum

[quote author=delawal post=88902983][/quote]Your purpose are the set of goals, dreams and aspirations that you set out to achieve in your lifetime. This means the kind of life you want to lead, the kind of children you want to have, your relationship with God an nature the impact you want to have on your community or generation at large etc The goals apply to men as much as they apply to women. When you want to enter into a marriage, it might help to answer some of these questions...Does your partner have the right skills and values to support these goals? do these goals align with hers? and if it does not, can the space be negotiated in such a way that ones dreams and aspirations will not affect the other?

creolehunt:
I just thought about the girls I've been with and noticed a certain trend. This isn't even about the girls themselves who are excellent human beings, but their families.

First girl I dated revealed to me that the dad died of suspected poisoning and her family were chased out of the family house. Her eldest brother is an area boy while it seems things aren't working out for her other siblings.

The next ones dad was late too, one of her sisters is separated from her husband while the first son of nearly 40 has nothing doing.

The other ones history is that her dad is late too. The eldest sister is cohabiting with a man. They have 2 kids already without being married. Her other sisters bride price was just paid after having 3 kids with a man.

For the other one, her dad is late too, died quite early. The eldest sister is in her 30s and unmarried. Her other sister has 3kids for a man who she isn't married to and now they are separated. Things aren't just working for her people.

The one I just met recently told me her parents are late. Lost both of them to suspected poisoning within the space of one year.

I keep wondering if this is some sort of coincidence.

I had a very similar experience to yours because when I was ready to settle down, I kept meeting girls with issues. On the third one, I just decided to settle for the lesser evil among them cos I thought they all seemed to have one issues or the other. How wrong could I be? The answer to your question is not farfetched. You need to look inward yourself. There is something in you that makes you attract them. The reason can either be physical or spiritual. It is physical in the sense that you may have been having lower expectations from the kind of ladies you want to marry. It is most times, a derivative of your own self-esteem. Before making a marriage plan with someone, you should ask yourself these questions: Am I marrying for sex or for purpose? If you are marrying for purpose, you may need to set bigger expectations for yourself to determine the kind of woman that will help you achieve your purpose. Some cardinal questions need to be answered: aside from sex and procreation, what will the lady contribute to your goal and aspirations? Do the ladies have the support system to assists you in case things go south in the marriage? Are you comfortable being the sole provider in the marriage? Are you going to spend your time and resources trying to solve other people’s problems? Things happen in a marriage and God has not promised anyone that he/she would not face any problem. Bear also in mind that when you’re marrying a lady, you are marrying her and her relatives and most importantly she will play an important role in determining the kinds of children you’ll produce for the next generation. These girls you described up there are girls with both physical and hidden spiritual luggage and couple with your own physical and spiritual issues, there would be too many loose ends. This may either make or mar and sometimes delay your purpose from being achieved. If you are lucky enough not to move from one problem to the other. Life is too short to be gambling with it. I don’t think most of these girls marry for love or fully understand marriage responsibilities, they most likely want to get married for the security that marriage provides. They either see marriage as a poverty alleviation programme or a problem-solving workshop. They tend to seek a partner that will offer a helping hand. They will be willing to marry anyone that has the means to help.
You seem to be in SITUATIONSHIP rather than RELATIONSHIP. I know this because I have been married to one myself for about two years now and it’s been a tumultuous two years. I exhausted all the resources I had on trying to solve some underlying spiritual problems that she had that we didn’t know about and when things get tough, she was already contemplating leaving despite all the sacrifices I have made for the marriage without her contributing anything. It seems time had frozen for me and everything has gone downhill since then. Even the landed property I got before marriage, I can't develop them and I'm even contemplating selling them and as a breadwinner of my own family too, I find it difficult to attend to the need of my siblings. I barely broke through my own family issues and just when I thought there is a ray of hope, I got myself involved in a much-more complex web of issues of another family. The mistake I made that I will advise you not to make is that I didn’t have much expectation for the kind of wife I wanted to marry. I just wanted "a good person". Whatever that means now. We men tend to marry too low. Women mostly have an ideal man they want to marry--they use their head and not their heart, while we men use our heart and not our head; we just decide to marry for either beauty or personality. They marry us because we meet their requirements and I think we should be holding them to the same standard. Please my brother, marry for purpose and not for sex and procreation. Marriage is a permanent thing and it is naturally designed for your partner to provide the much-needed support to you; it is meant to be enjoyed. It should not be confused for a magical problem-solving arena where individual and sometimes generational problems can be mutually solved with just a simple vow of love. Although, I am not against you helping people when you meet them but deciding to marry them is something you need to holistically examine.

You may also find Dr. Olukoya’s message on choosing a life partner useful. Check on youtube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BviSLLHbQE

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