₦airaland Forum

bishopjoe02:
I understand bro, I no you are the man, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, not because you are weak, but because you no better.

To be sincere with you moving on is not easy, I have be there bro, the best way you can really move on easily is when she actually drive you away with her attitude, this you will only know when you actually make that call. From the little she have done, you can't move on, cos you don't even no who is right or wrong at the moment

Pls do make this call, I swear it takes nothing from you.

When you make this call, pls don't insult her, dont prove she was wrong, just make a normal call. Even if you have nothing to say just dail the number, if she really miss you once she pick, the discussion will just flow.

Just do it, so that you no, you tried your best to make the marriage work

Arrrrrrrrrrh, I'll try my best to call her, but not easy at all even as I'm imagining it right now. But what could be the kind if advice she's getting from her family or friends now?

Chii59:
I don't think she has moved on. Yet.
Even if she's thinking about moving on. She has a child for you. And she knows because of that, you'll always be a part of her life.
She wants you to take the first step. And even if she's world's most cold hearted bitch(which I believe she isn't), she will be happier seeing you showing care for your daughter.
This is just my opinion.

Okay, I really understand you now. There's is a lot of chances of us coming back. Everyone is waiting for the other to make the first move

NoToPile:
I will tell you point blank it is the devil telling you not to call her.

She will do small shakara just beg her and she will come home, try and talk about it when she comes back, you will change from keeping malice and she too will change from running away.



Abegii forget that weakling part.

What if she has or beginning to move on. What is the possibility? sorry to disturb you.

NoToPile:
Loool this your perception of marriage will take you no where. Lots of people can't deal with malice.

Ogbeni better go and bring your wife from her parents place ooo, you were advised in your initial thread to call her, you didn't .

Now you are opening thread, you better don't let pride destroy your marriage ooo.

She has not moved on any thing go and get your wife back and you too stop keeping malice.

You are already thinking of girlfriend

I'm really grateful bro, you've said good things & great advice. But her silence is making me think she's moved on

Chii59:
Honestly I do not know.
There are many sides of your marriage you haven't told us about. Nobody but yourself here has the full picture.
If you want her, even if you don't want her, for your daughter's sake, you must try to reach out to her. Drop pride, both of you are wrong. BOTH.
Go to her, play with your daughter. Don't allow your child lack her father.
If you want to proceed with divorce, ensure you get joint custody of your daughter.
Biko.

I just want you to attempt as a woman.

bishopjoe02:
Make the call bro, for ur conscience and your daughter seek, do it, she might be missing u, just dying for u to make d first move.

If you make the call she gives you the opportunity to settle the issue, good and fine, if she is still proving stubborn, no issue at least u will no u have done your part. You have nothing to loose making that call, but you have a lot to loose not making that call, you wouldn't forgive yourself later in life when things because clearer and find out you could have done better to make the marriage work (I bet u few years from now things will become clearer)

Make that call, it takes nothing from you, it will even help you to move on, cos you will know you have done your best

I must confess, all you've said really struck my heart, you're really so on point... I wish I can make the move first. I'm finding it very very very difficult. Something which i know is coming from the devil is telling me that it will portray my self as a weakling if I call her.

Chii59:
Let me be honest, I used to have issues with malice cos I'm a very sensitive person.
It cost me good men.
And I decided that I won't continue along that line.
Pride is very destructive.
And even now, I can't date someone who keeps malice. I didn't know how malice hurt. Till I worked as an apprentice to a person who was a serial malice keeper.
Once she felt offended, she won't talk to me from morning to night for DAYS on end.
I was so frustrated, cos it kept happening from time to time. I had enough one day and left.

Can you answer this question sincerely as a woman?

1. What do you think is going on I'm her mind right now? Like why she kept mute.

2. Do you think there is still a chance of us coming back or she's beginning to move on?
or perhaps she as moved on?

Lemme hear from you plsss

MrBrownJay1:
bro you have to understand that majority of the women will try to make you look like your are at fault, even though your wife is the one that left. they will try to make you look like a monster because you were upset with something that your wife did (as if being upset with your spouse is the ultimate marriage sin). i guess in their minds, whatever your wife does, you should ACCEPT it and smile like a donkey. there is nothing wrong with being upset, whats wrong is how SHE reacted.

i dont know what your wife did that made you upset, but i sure do know that she had NO RIGHT to leave with your child (unless you physically abused her or did something criminal/against the law). any couple would have COMMUNICATED and settle the matter as adult, but i guess you guys cant do that, and she thought it was better for her to put you on the spot and leave, in order for you to come beg for her forgiveness...

If they want to hold the child just to get me coming to beg, let them have the child but I'll never go to beg. I'll never step my foot at their house neither will I ever call her line. I know what I'm saying, why will I always be the one going to meet her family anytime we have issues, why won't they ever come to me. When its obvious your daughter is at fault. Well, I don't know what she told them this time around.

DBestDoc:
Refusing to take care of your daughter's needs is another mistake you're about to make.

You've messed your marriage up, don't mess your daughter's life up. It's your duty to provide for her needs. I don't know if you don't have mature and wise counsel or you just don't take reasonable advice.

Trying to use money as a leverage in this situation is a huge mistake. The issue is gonna escalate to a shocking degree if you don't calm down, CHANGE, apologize to your wife for whatever you did wrong and get your family back.

She did something serious that made me to stop talking to her, then she left saying she can't continue living with a person that keeps malice without focusing on what she did. She did something that even you will find it difficult to forgive.

Do you know that the day she left, she took all the money we be in the house without minding how I'll cope?

Chii59:
From everything I've read, emotionally, you're not mature for marriage at all.
You came to nairaland to say your wife is fond of leaving the house, they bashed your wife. You never fully told us what made her leave. All you said was "little argument".
Next thing, you're thinking of bringing in a girlfriend.
People kept bashing your wife.
It wasn't until a few moments you're now saying it's because you're an expert, a PhD holder at keeping malice.
Look if you want to end it, end it.
She's left.
Life continues.
Work on yourself.

A reasonable family will bring her back to her husband's house & inquire what happened but why will they always believe whatever she tells them without hearing from me. I'm not suppose to call her or go there?

A reasonable family will ask her, did he send you out of the house no matter what she tells them

MrBrownJay1:
.. and here you are again, focusing on a person being upset without asking WHAT MADE HIM UPSET and/or IS THAT AGAINST THE LAW TO BE UPSET and/or HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU (Chii59) LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE WHEN HE WAS UPSET and/or IS THAT A REASON FOR ANYONE TO LEAVE WITH YOUR CHILD?!

let us stop being hypocrites here...

Thank yoi brother, she did something serious that made me refuse talking to her. pls note

1. Both of us have sacrificed a lot for the marriage
2. Both if us have forgiven each other severally on issues
3. I refused calling her since she left cos I never drove her out of the house. She's trying to prove a point.

Chii59:
It's just now you started talking. See as they've bashed your wife finish.
If you still love your woman, go and beg till she accepts you. Else, I'm sorry, that's the end of your marriage.

Do you know what she did that made me refuse talking to her? so don't say that.

DBestDoc:
Funny children on Nairaland already abusing the wife.
@Op, why did your wife leave? it's a straight forward question which you've not given a meaningful answer to. Non issue no get name?

The only grave reason that'll make a woman up and leave that i can think of other than physical abuse is cheating, she's not stupid. You may be a chronic cheat who feels entitled and she just got fed up after forgiving over and over( you already said it yourself that she's made a lot of sacrifices in the marriage)

What's killing you now is guilt. You're too ashamed to even pick a phone and call any of her family members because you know how they see you right now. They are tired of you already.

Go and bring in your girlfriend, you'll still cheat on that one and the cycle continues until you ruin your life or you get sense, whichever one happens first.

Since you refused to tell what the non-issue is, i've helped you fix that part, after all, all the comments on the thread lack objectivity and are based on speculations and half baked tale.

In the meantime, forget about marriage 'cause you're obviously not ready yet.

I didn't cheat on her, besides I've also made several sacrifices for the marriage as well

Chii59:
It's just now you started talking. See as they've bashed your wife finish.
If you still love your woman, go and beg till she accepts you. Else, I'm sorry, that's the end of your marriage.

Then let the marriage end, I'm just giving her till tomorrow if I don't see her or she contacts me, I'll move with my life too.

MrBrownJay1:
this has nothing to do with marriage and all to do with RESPECTFUL COMPATIBLE unions between a couple with children. when you live with someone as a family, you have to respect one another and certainly not try to emotionally blackmail your spouse by threatening to leave every time things dont go your way... especially when you have child in the mix. how selfish of a woman to decide to take away a parent right to be with their children, just because thats what SHE selfishy decides. too many women out there are using children to emotionally hurt/blackmail men.

She sent me a text three days back that she's coming to pick some of her things & the baby's things cos they are running short of Wears & that she needs money for the baby's provisions. I told her I don't have money. I didnt see her till date.

Chii59:
Then why can't you change? Do you know how frustrating it must have been to watch you keeping malice with her?
You're 30 freaking years old!!! You should know better than to keep sulking for days or weeks on end.
Let me tell you, that might have been the reason she left.

Yes, that's the reason she left. But that's not enough reason to leave her home, there are many women out there who the husband beats them but yet they endure the marriag, I've never for once raised my hand on her. Even if I want her back now maybe she has started moving on & forgotten about the marriage

nahzyla:
The epidemic of small children and people who live solely on the internet had been on nairaland too long for you to get a lot of meaningful or sensible advice regarding marriage on Nairaland.

I would like to know, if you dont mind, RtK5, what is the reason why she left with her son in the first place?
You will get a lot of comments demeaning your wife here from nairaland males but that is only because they are men like you and will support their own.

Try to look at the issue objectively
That reason why she left the house in the first place, what was it? Was it the first time it was happening or was it something she has complained of before or is sensitive about it?

It might be a non issue to you but very serious to her as many women are very emotional.

her main issue is that when I'm angry I like to change mood, & refuse talking to her for long. So she can't continue leaving with someone that will be keeping malice with her

emmyN:
Generally I don't advise "simps" , but I will take exception to this case.

Start by working on your insecurity, it's the chief cause of the challenge you are having with your family. You tell yourself you are someone that don't take shit, are hot tempered, and don't give a hoot about anyone, but really you're insecure. Take some time out to develop yourself, build up your emotional intelligence, and see the change.

For your wife, do nothing. She's just reacting to you and being a prick at it. She left herself and should return herself. Don't move her belongings anywhere. From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like it's been long since she left, so I wonder why you are thinking about bringing a girlfriend in. That's stupid. Send money to her account for feeding and toiletries for your baby, and tell her whenever she is tired of staying out she should come home so you sort out whatever issues you have.

Going forward, let there be no repeat of this scenario, of her leaving the house when you haven't sent her out. If it happens, it should be the last. And quit that malice charade, it's childish.

PM me for my aza so you send consultation fee .

let's talk na

Smash her & Cary curse for your life... Egungu be careful....

Chii59:
1. Are you seriously talking about a girlfriend? Seriously? Thought you said you loved your wife. I know it must be hard, you have needs, but a girlfriend will only complicate issues.

2. Why don't you go and visit, maybe this time around, take your father or uncle or even pastor along with you?

I really love her, if I don't I won't be disturbing my self over the whole issue, I swear I would have moved on. I'm only thinking a new girlfriend will reduce the heart break I'm having & emotional torture right now. Then on ur second point, I've done that before.

Haywhymido:
childishness and immaturity of the highest order. she still sees herself as someone in a relationship not marriage. Try your best to reconcile this last time for your son if not for anything and let her know that, that should be the last time this should happen if she wants the marriage to work. Make this known in front of her family and yours possibly. God forbids she try it again send her belongings to her and divorce her and move on. No let any woman who is not your mother give you HBP.

Honestly bro... I really love her but I'm also ready to move on though it isn't going to be easy.

NiCurious:
Your questions to Mr. Brown Jay:
1. It is not proper to bring a new girlfriend home with your wife's belongings still there.
2. If you want to know what is being discussed, call and find out.

The question that nobody has asked, but which I wonder about: what "little issue" caused her to leave?

just a little argument & we started keeping malice. That's all.

Then what if she doesn't come to pick her things anytime soon? If I return her things myself, they'll have an edge to say I chased her away that's why I want her to come pack by herself so I'll be clean

MrBrownJay1:
i guess she wants you to go there and beg her to come back home, as if you didnt want her there (from the get go)

I also want to ask you two good questions

1. Is it proper to bring a new girlfriend to my house when she hasn't packed her things yet & I'm assuming she has moved on? what do you think it will portray to her, her family & my neighborhood.

2. What do you think is being discussed in her family house

MrBrownJay1:
i guess she wants you to go there and beg her to come back home, as if you didnt want her there (from the get go)

Do you think she's still interested in the marriage? I also think shes getting a wrong advice coming from somewhere.

MrBrownJay1:
i guess she wants you to go there and beg her to come back home, as if you didnt want her there (from the get go)

She said she knows I'm not coming after her to take her back. What must have hindered her from calling for a whole week? My neighbors have been asking after her, i just kept on answering with "she traveled".

MrBrownJay1:
what was her reply when you asked her WHY she left?!?!

lol, if she wanted to be with you then she wouldnt leave to begin with... so going to get her back wont solve anything. you have to dig deep and solve the MAIN ISSUE

I text her saying "i cant come after you cos i never drove you away, you choose her path & that of your child but she didn't reply.

MrBrownJay1:
yeah but let us not forget the below...
- she left their family home out of her own will
- she deprives this man of his family
- she deprives this man of his child
- no contact whatsoever for a week therefore expecting HIM to go and beg her to come back?

That's it brother, like I've gone after her severally to their family house in the past. This time around I went to work & she just sent me a text that says, I'm going with our son, whenever youvwantvus back come & get us.

MrBrownJay1:
bro, as much as i would love to talk to you privately, i dont give out my private details (never have, never will)...but as there are plenty of intelligent mature people here, post on NL whatever you want to tell me, as we are all here to give our opinion (whether good or bad) and you should listen to everyone's view. it will help you greatly.

sorry I was referring to ishilove not you

Ishilove:
Send me yours via PM and I will add you.

how does the on work? direct me

Ishilove:
Sure

Lemme have your contact & chat you WhatsApp now

Ishilove:
So why is this case different?

You both need elders and people who have weathered storms in their marriages to counsel you both because what I see here is pride and immaturity and an unwillingness to compromise from both parties.

Whoever has been advising your woman has not been advising her well.

exactly, pls can we talk privately on WhatsApp?

MrBrownJay1:
bro, just call her and make her understand that she can come back home and work this out PROPERLY or you send her stuff back and she can live the life she desires.

there are too many issues here to fix, and it seems the best is for you guys to part ways, since you cant communicate like adults.

can I talk to you privately pls now on whatsapp?