₦airaland Forum

@ Seun

Who said that I think people are more different than they are alike? And who says that they are part of who I am? I do. Do I think that they should matter in terms of relationships with people? No. But they are still part of my life just as they are a part of everyone's lives even if they don't want to admit it. Everyone is ruled in some way by the traditions of their heritage because it affects the parents, who raise the children, who then raise their own children and so on. Even if I wanted to completely ignore my heritage there are still things that I do or think that are an effect of that heritage in some way. We cannot completely shun our heritage in the hopes that it will somehow make the world a more unified place. There will always be cultural differences because on a globe this large there are different ideals and practices that will benefit the peoples of different places. Why ignore that for the sake of "unity?"

@ Seun

My traditions and heritage are part of who I am, they're part of where I come from. Especially in a place like America where it's a giant melting pot of different people. It's part of respecting my parents and grandparents, appreciating where they came from and the struggle they went through so that I could have a better life. It's my history and if you can't hold on to some part of where you come from what are you left with? I think it would be different if my family had lived in the US for hundreds of years, maybe it wouldn't be so important, but my family has been here for less than a hundred years. I'm American, but the history of my family is more closely tied elsewhere. It was passed from my father anyways, my mother doesn't have as much connection with her heritage because her family is French Canadian and when you're living in New York, Canada is just the "state next door."

Anti-depressants are definitely not the be-all end-all of depression. First of all, they take time to build up in your system before they are fully effective, second of all they can become a necessity rather than a short term solution. You go through withdrawal when you stop taking them and that can be worse than the depression itself. Finding someone to talk to is the best possible thing you can do for yourself. I personally never took anti-depressants but I know people who have and it can sometimes cause more problems in the long run. Especially since dosages are not the same across the board, they may have to adjust dosages several times before they get it right and in the meantime you suffer. I'm not speaking entirely against them because for some people they are necessary, but really, you need to think about it seriously before you take that path. Talking about it can be the hardest thing, but in the end it will help the most.

chinani:
whether it be a CHINAMAN or a villager i'm going to pass on and teach my children something that respresents my cultural/"tribal" background. my choice, i guess.

I completely agree with this idea. My boyfriend is Nigerian, I'm American and I think it's essential to pass on cultural traditions no matter what cultures are represented. I'm American but my family is Irish in heritage, I grew up with a lot of traditions from the Irish culture because it was important to my family. It's important to instill in children where they come from so I completely agree that you shouldn't give up your culture. It's all about making adjustments without abandoning who you are.

I would say try to maintain some sort of friendship but the relationship has to end. It's unfair to both of you to try and maintain a relationship with that in between you. Obviously you two had some sort of feelings for each other so I wouldn't suggest just cutting him off completely. Maybe it would be better for both of you if you separated and lived your lives as friends. My sympathies, that's upsetting and I know what it's like.

I don't think there is a specific time table for revealing things about your past. I really find that it is more important to feel comfortable with the person than it is to worry about what you may or may not reveal. Plus, if he can't deal with you having some bad stuff in your past than he's not really worth it in my opinion. It comes as a package deal, your past is your past no matter what and you can't go back and change it no matter how much you want to. If he's actually serious about you than he will accept whatever has helped shape you in to who you are today. In reality that's all our past is, a series of events that made us who we are today.

I'm so glad that I found this topic! I'm white, living in the US, my boyfriend is Nigerian (Yoruba). Him meeting my parents does not concern me, my parents are so laid back that they won't make a peep either way. Meeting his parents scares the daylights out of me though. His parents are coming here to the US in May and while they are here visiting they plan on coming here to visit him, which means I will meet them for the first time. Please, any suggestions on what is considered traditional behavior? Things I should avoid doing? I really don't want to offend them and I know that first impressions last a lifetime. Any help would be wonderful, thanks!!!

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that men are superior to women.  Nor does it say that women should be subservient and only be a helper to the husband.  The Bible refers to men as being the head of the family as Jesus is the head of the church.  Now, that's the role men are Biblically supposed to hold, most men don't do so well with the rest of the Biblical principles so why do they hold so desperately to the idea of ruling over women?  The overall message of the Bible is not that one should rule over the other, but that they should be equal partners in relationship and family, the man is meant to lead as an example, not as a tyrant.  If you want to bring Christianity in to it, the Bible doesn't support the idea of inequality among the sexes.

God-centered
Honest
Open-minded

I met my last boyfriend on the net and you have to be really careful because it makes it much easier to lie. Even after I met him in person he continued to lie and he cheated on me. If you accept that kind of behavior you are indicating to them that you think it is alright and they will continue to act like a fool. I dumped the last one's sorry butt as soon as I found out he was not only cheating but he had tried to get with one of my best friends (she refused him). My current boyfriend is also from the net, but he is nothing at all like the last one. You can do better. Have enough self-worth to give him the boot.

Seun:
I think if every woman who has been abused can call her own sons and tell them "never treat a woman the way your father treats me" we will notice the difference. Why don't they bother with something as simple as this? Instead what we see is that the woman takes up her frustrations on her own children by beating them hard when they make mistakes, and so they are guilty of perpetuating a social cycle that they themselves have been victimized by.

I think you have a good idea Seun, in the same line as that I think that it's essential to stress that we all have a choice to either continue the cycle or end it. I grew up in a house where my father was a terror, he would rage over absolutely nothing and I was terrified of him. I'm the youngest of 4 children and I know that we have all made the decision that it ends with us and we will not perpetuate the cycle of violence on our own children. My brothers have already put this into practice with their children. And as a side note, I don't think western education will help much since I am white and grew up in a rural part of the U.S. Culture here dictates that you should just put up with it for the most part.

It's important that you correct the child immediately or they will think the behavior is appropriate. It's also essential that you are consistent in your correction. If you slap back one time and then laugh the next the child will be confused as to whether it is an appropriate behavior or not. I do not condone hitting the child back however, what example is that? Saying hitting isn't nice while you slap them back? Words should be enough to correct the issue. I've had children hit me before (working in childcare) and I typically hold the hand they just hit me with, get down on their level and tell them that hitting isn't nice and that I don't like it. I worked with children 18 months to 3 years old and believe me, they understand the words "not nice" and "no".

I've been depressed before, it was a lousy feeling and it lasted way too long. I am always proud when I hear of people who have made it through. I used to have an attitude that you should just "suck it up and deal" but that only works so well when you have so much thrown at you all at once. I just got overwhelmed with troublesome things all at once. My saving grace was faith in God, without it I know I wouldn't be here. Reach out, get help. It takes more strength to admit you have a problem than it does to simply sit there and let it take over. The hardest step is seeking help, if you can make it there than you can make it anywhere.

I'll agree with that statement, perhaps I should rephrase my thoughts. Romance changes as the years go by and I think that perhaps the gestures that most people deem to be romantic at this point will seem much less important in the long run. I agree however that in a good relationship there will always be some form of romance.

Seun, thanks for the welcome.

The two white guys I dated were actually quite different from one another in terms of romance. One was all about buying things, he bought me a dozen roses for no particular reason one time. There were other things as well, and it just made me uncomfortable for him to constantly be buying me things. It felt like he was trying to buy my love. The other guy was entirely unromantic, he didn't so much as hold open the door for me to walk through it. He was just entirely inconsiderate about most everything.

My current boyfriend has been romantic in other ways, but he's also much more considerate. When we first started dating, and sometimes now as well, he would send me an e-mail just to say something entirely unimportant. It just let me know that he was thinking about me. He was gone visiting family for two weeks and I didn't get to see him so he called every night, when he got back he brought me a teddy bear and a box of chocolates. It was still a store bought gift, but it was different than the last guy, it was more simplistic, it seemed more real. A dozen roses on a whim is just too much. My current guy also pays for dinner everytime we go out, which is not guaranteed when you're dating an American guy of any race. He is very traditional by American standards, but I really appreciate it. He's a guy who still acts like a guy, many American men seem to have lost that ability.

I think the romance level really depends on the individual and how motivated they are to be romantic, I also believe that it depends on how receptive they think the girl is. In any case, Romance fades over the years so if you expect to have a lasting relationship I hope you are searching for something more than romance.

I'll start out by saying I'm a white girl and I'm dating a Nigerian guy right now. I don't think that the level of romance that I've had with him is really all that different than the level of romance I had with the white guys I dated. In fact I tend to think that the white guys I dated were rather superficial with their romantic gestures. My current boyfriend is much more considerate overall and I would take his short notes to let me know he's thinking about me over the dozen roses I've gotten in the past any day. I don't think it's a matter of one being more romantic than the other, I think it's simply a matter of what you really value when it comes to a relationship. Not saying that valuing flowers is bad, because they are nice, but just the same, it's not something that would make or break the relationship for me.