The following story illustrates the way some of our married men behave at home, and sets the stage for my question.

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The Horse and the Wife
"An army officer and his new wife where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through a beautiful forest reserve in their area.

As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

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Some of our men, like the man in the story, are terrors at home. An example of this is the father figure in Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's 'Purple Hibiscus' story (book excerpt). These men are feared by wife and children alike, and they do terrible things which the wife and children will never report to outsiders.

These same men are often regarded by outsiders as 'community leaders' and people to be emulated, because they may be successful in church and business and in popular social circles (not just in the army). Nobody knows what happens behind their closed doors in his home

Have you or someone close to you experienced such a husband, father-in-law, or father? What do you think causes them to be this way? What is the positive or negative effect of this kind of behaviour on their wife and children? What do you think a woman who finds herself married to such a man can do? What can a child of such a man do?

Please feel free to share anything you know on this topic. Thanks.

Have you or someone close to you experienced such a husband, father-in-law, or father? What do you think causes them to be this way? What is the positive or negative effect of this kind of behaviour on their wife and children? What do you think a woman who finds herself married to such a man can do? What can a child of such a man do?

wow that is a lot of questions to be answered I will try my best to answer as much as I can. well personally I have not met or had any friend experience such thing to that extent. I mean I do have friends with strict fathers but sometimes I think that they over play the role of the victim. (you know the typical teenage drama...) but I have met someone with such hot temper actually a lot of people I mean not to the extent that they would treaten to kill someone but just people that have very very short circuits and just snap within seconds!!

there are various numerous causes of these behavior but the classical ones that psychologists like to use is that they are following the footsteps of their father or mother. but the funny thing is that while these kids were growing up, they did not want to end up like their parents but that was extactly what happened. they did not like being treated that way and they claimed that they would never treat their own children that way but they ended up doing the same thing and perhaps even more.

another thing I think is the cause is that men see that that is the only way to have power over the family, by putting fear into them that that way their kids will not disobey them but that is not the case and that brings me to my next point.

the kids fear their father or mother whomever is very harsh on them, so they try real hard to disobey them. I mean they might know the right thing to do but since if they did the right thing they are punished for it or if they did the wrong thing they are also punnished for or not rewarded then they just do things the way they like often to disobey the "figure" because the result is the same.

having a parent that is always on your case pushes kids away. and that is not a good things because with the world the way it is parents have got to get their kids to feel free to come to them to discuss issues. because teenagers do go a lot and it is during that period that thry need lots of lecturing and guidance and if a parent pushes the kid away then who are they to turn to for advise, they will end up hiding things from their parents and that is just the road to their downfall both for the parent and the kid. (there is nothing as good as parents creeating that atmosphere where kids feel free and comfortable to talk to their parents about any issue or problem)

if a woman finds herself with a man like that she can try as much to change him but hif he gets too abusive then she should consider divorce because that is not a healthy environment for her and her kids.

for a child they should look for a figure that they trust and a figure that they think would not abuse them and they can talk to that figure for guidance.

I wonder if our current crop of members will be able to give a more satisfying response to this old discussion.

I thank God I am not staying with ma parents, I am a child that beleives in my own privacy and If I dont have the priviledge of staying on my own, I will put an end to everything by violence or by anything.

I am very cool, but when you threaten me or disturb my privacy, you are looking for something else... My father is a Don and he knows where he cant cross and thats me and I give him every respect due to him.

I am also Praying to God not to give me that kind of bad heart to rule over my family and If I do, He should give me a crook child that will put an end to it.. Chikena

if am dating a guy and find out or even get the slightest idea that he has a violent streak, i'll leave him(its' happened before) cos i don't want myself or children to die an untimely death because of a violent father.
but come to think of it, i think most men who are voilent in the home are cowards, and the only way to feel superior is by taking out their strenght on close family members, in this case wife and children. Another thing, kids who were exposed to violence usually end up being violent, another thing i think causes this is poverty, yes! some men become violent due to frustration, no job, no money, so they feel, or think lifes hard,and those close to them which in most case is the wife and children get to feel the brunt of this, violence i mean.

Let me share a story with you people, (real life, happend a few years ago in Abuja) A man who thought that, the only way to discipline his children was to beat them up at the slightest provocation, most times in public! learnt his lesson the hard way.

He had a teenage daughter, then 18 or there about,and she always got the worst of his terrible side or so she thought. one day she got pregnant, and guess who she pointed at, her FATHER! Family members called a meeting, but she insisted it was her father,she accused him of rape. You can't imagine what the man went through,he kept saying he was innocent, but no one listened(in a case like this you're guilty until proven innocent). he was relived of his job, family members ostracized him, in fact he wished for death. some people said, no wonder he beats the day light out of his daughter each time a man so much as asks her for address to a place. In all this the man cldn't bring himself to look at his daughter talk less of beating her.

To cut a long story short, she eventually gave birth and confessed at the hospital that her father was innocent, she only wanted to punish him for all he did to her. you'd say what a way to punish someone

My cousins father was like that, he beat my aunt, had extra-marital affairs allover the place, with any and everybody(Including the house-girl, she got pregnant and had twins for him)I guess she finally got tired after he almost tried to slap her with an Iron, she left with junior and her kids, but unfortunately went back to him.

I don't think there is anything positive about children and wives fearing their husband and father, I would think there would be hate,regrets and sorrow in the house.

The woman can either stay with her husband(and die there)or leave. One would hope that the kids wouldn't be scarred by their father's actions(the female, thinking it's normal for her husband or any male figure in her life to beat or bully her and the male, that it's alright to beat their spouses and children)

Sometimes, these things can stem from years of abuse from their own fathers, it's called the cycle of abuse,it'll continue going on and on until someone breaks it.

It can also stem from numerous things e.g, the Father's failure and his wish to show that he has control over at least one aspect of his life, the chance to prove that they are indeed men will want to dominate his wife, at least if he's a failure to the world, he won't let his family see him like this. It all boils down to control.

Those men that went for western education won't even rule their house with terror because it will surely affect the new generation!!!!

Well though there is nothing new in husbands threating wives as materials and properties even though it takes more than western education to get this traits out of the typical man and though not in terror but in other minor forms due to the societal, cultural and religous upgbringing .though most of these sources were actually manipulated by themselves to fit themselves. well any lady who gets so unfortunate to get an acute case of a husband should in my opinion try out medical therapy,counselling and psycological guidiance for such, or rather get a way out of d impending death if it is of such case or rather make herself a property, a horse ,an object ie silenced .the way she was expected to be in the first instance.

This goes on a lot and it is very bad. I think that women are to blame most of the time, though. This is because you see women who have been maltreated several times still making excuses for their husbands. If women would have the courage to pack up their belongings and leave, men would be forced to calm down.

Even more disconcerting is when u see this happening amongst unmarried couples i.e. a boyfriend and a girlfriend / fiance and fiancee. I think that is pure rubbish. How do you keep going out with someone who terrorises you?

I don't think it's fair to blame the women
Most of the people you see this happening to for instance the case of the b/f and g/f thing, if you look closely, you'll see the the girl making excuses have been maltreated by someone be it physical or emotional abuse.They've probably been told by their partners that they love them, this becomes like a drug"at least he loves me, noone else has ever loved me, he's just angry at the moment" they'll create excuses because that's the only time they've been happy or have felt loved.They have esteem issues
As for the wife, some of them are to terrified to run.What will they do, where will they go.
My aunt was ostracized by her family. Her father actually beat her and told her to go back before he kills her(because the husband basically took care of her family)so you see, it might be easy for us to say that they should leave because we're looking in.

Now that the idea of blaming the women has been eliminated, what can we say is the solution to this problem? How can we encourage our women to run away from men who are aggressive or domineering? How can we prevent our young boys from growing up into terrifying husbands and fathers?

I think if every woman who has been abused can call her own sons and tell them "never treat a woman the way your father treats me" we will notice the difference. Why don't they bother with something as simple as this? Instead what we see is that the woman takes up her frustrations on her own children by beating them hard when they make mistakes, and so they are guilty of perpetuating a social cycle that they themselves have been victimized by.

You can blame the women but not in the sence GL is talking about. For me I blame the women cos they are the mothers that produce such men. From childhood mothers tend to treat the male children with more respect. You find a situation whereby the girls are doing chores while the boys are sleeping or playing football. What do you expect that boy child to grow up thinking? He wil grow up thinking women are slaves or something.Mothers train up your male children to respect the womenfolk. As zakky adzzy the musician would say" yan uwa ku bar raina mata". Brothers, let us stop disrespecting women. Thank you

GL:

This goes on a lot and it is very bad. I think that women are to blame most of the time, though. This is because you see women who have been maltreated several times still making excuses for their husbands. If women would have the courage to pack up their belongings and leave, men would be forced to calm down.

Even more disconcerting is when u see this happening amongst unmarried couples i.e. a boyfriend and a girlfriend / fiance and fiancee. I think that is pure rubbish. How do you keep going out with someone who terrorises you?

i agree with u! as far as i am concerned, any boyfriend or fiance who raises his hand to me in anger is not good enough for me, i will leave him immediately. i was not born to become somebody's punching bag

Seun:

I think if every woman who has been abused can call her own sons and tell them "never treat a woman the way your father treats me" we will notice the difference. Why don't they bother with something as simple as this? Instead what we see is that the woman takes up her frustrations on her own children by beating them hard when they make mistakes, and so they are guilty of perpetuating a social cycle that they themselves have been victimized by.

I think you have a good idea Seun, in the same line as that I think that it's essential to stress that we all have a choice to either continue the cycle or end it. I grew up in a house where my father was a terror, he would rage over absolutely nothing and I was terrified of him. I'm the youngest of 4 children and I know that we have all made the decision that it ends with us and we will not perpetuate the cycle of violence on our own children. My brothers have already put this into practice with their children. And as a side note, I don't think western education will help much since I am white and grew up in a rural part of the U.S. Culture here dictates that you should just put up with it for the most part.

@ shannon

thank you for sharing. & you're right. my uncle (father's bro) who was educated in the U.S. & is a Prof @ a U.S. Univ. beat his 1st wife so badly that we all feared for her life for years. she finally left him. but the damage was already done. the children (5 boys & 1 girl) are all angry, lonely, & violent. even as children, 5/6 years old, they used to beat each other so badly that my mother was afraid of them! in school they'd beat the other children. they went to grade school in nigeria so the "solution" was to move them ALL up 1 grade. that way, when they tried to pick fights, they'd be beaten, just like they ALL were at home.

but, terror stays w/ you for a long time. i know 1st hand. don't want to be too detailed here, but in my opinion abused children ALL grow up to be abusers. they either abuse others (wife/kids) or themselves (w/ drugs/alcohol/sex etc.) the only solution for children who've grown up in abusive households is to make a conscious decision to STOP! to seek formal or informal therapy (a forum perhaps? ) you get my drift.

as for the women. (sigh) everything has been said & nothing at all. the solution for women is to RESPECT THEMSELVES. often women ask for respect from men, all the while, walking around w/ low self-esteem. my uncle would always tell my aunt "who wants a fat lady w/ 6 kids? you are not young." she's 10 years younger than him by the way. my father tells my mother "who brought you to america? who made you?" the answer is really: my mother's eldest bro arranged her coming to yankee and my grans made her, but she's too brainwashed.

let us all just try & raise the alarm. educate the youth! we ARE the future & the future is NOW.

Sometimes as a woman, when you get into such a situation, it is very hard to just turn your back and leave.
I was terribly abused and beaten by my first husband, he even drew a gun at me, it took me years to leave.
it didn´t start at once and initially he used to really apologose etc. But later the beatings got very regular and he got more violent and there where no more apologies only treats. My heart used to beat when it I heard his car comming.
Not very many people, not even my family seemed to be very bothered . It is almost as if the man has a right to beat his wife.
YOu kno the crazy thing about it. That man would beat the hell out of me, wit his army belt and kick and still go and call all his family and friends and at the end of the day I would have to apologise, I was constantlyapologising for doing nothing.
My nieghbours where all very sorry about it, but none of them dared intervane when they heard screams because they where scared of him. The next day they would be apologising. I always told them it was better theydid not intervane because that would only madden him the more.
As a woman in Nigeria it is verydifficult to stand up for your rights. Sometimes the financial aspects and sometimes the family pressure.
In fleeing from this man I had to make some very bitter sacrifices. I had to leave Nigeria - I never wanted to live outside Nigeria if I had the choice.

Nawah, I guess your husband was in the army which is what made it difficult. If not, there'll be someone in your family who could strike fear into his heart. Men in the armed forces, unfortunately, are above the law for now.

Seun you are right about that. Even his fellow officers where wary of him.
Another problem is that we came from different tribes. My family could also not wield much influence on him through this method either.
All my friends where scared to put me up, when he started raving and he used to look up all of them threatning them not to hide me.

wow,nawah!Just seeing this today. Well. I thank God for your life and am glad youre not with him anymore. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. I havent spoken to her in about a year now cos shes not allowed to have a phone. She stays in Kaduna and here husband is a young pilot. He beats and theatens her almost on a daily bases from what her sister told me. Everyone in here family has told here to leave but shes in love with her husband so theyve all left her alone. Am so scared for here cos shes such a fragile angel, I always wander why any man would beat someone like her.
It all started after they got married and he found out she wasnt a virgin. Its so hard to believe he's a pilot who studied aboad. We were all envious when she met and married him a year after we left school. Now its a different story.
Sha I thank God youve left him and found someone who loves you for you. Just concentrate on loving those children and that good man too!

I know Seun will ban me now. But I will bare my mind, I don't care.

ALHERI, has made a very SOLID point.

alheri:

It all started after they got married and he found out she wasnt a virgin.

And that should teach many others a lesson. You see how that woman turned the husband to a panel beater

This gentleman pilot should have just left the woman alone. Beating is surely not the best option. Leave her and her life full of lies.

I think nawah is hiding something from us. All the blames cannot go to the former husband.

Ono why should you be banned for speaking your mind
What should I be hiding, I never lied to him about my past I was too scared to even have done anything to provoke him What do you have in mind? naturally I made my own mistakes but they were minor once.

My dear sister, Seun's like that. I believe he will beat his wife for just sleeping on the other side of the bed!!!

My sister nawah, some minor mistakes can be so great, that the person who's going to analyse and look at it will not take it as a minor one at all Just like the one Alheri has described above. I guess that woman took it that her virginity is a minor issue that her husband will get over. But she was mistaken. And the young gentleman became a lion for it.

We have to be very careful the way we relate with people. People are different, and should be treated with caution. Get to know the likes and dislike of your spouse. Let him/her see that you're doing your best to please him/her. You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, in the end.

Ono, I must ask if you have ever been in an abusive relationship before? I've heard too many stories and watched too many men find any excuse to act in an abusive manner to their wife or children. Some men will beat their wives whether the slight is real or simply perceived. And for many women there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is a reason that here in the US there are shelters that women can go to in order to escape abuse and there are organizations that will help women completely change their identities in order to escape their husbands. Too many women have been killed by abusive husbands to simply tell women to fix themselves so that their husband doesn't have a reason to beat them. Who said that any of these husbands had a valid reason to beat their wives to begin with? There is no excuse for abusing another human being, whether they see the issue as minor or major. If they would be offended by the idea of their wife beating them every time they forgot to take the garbage out then maybe they should think twice about smacking her around as well.

I have said it before now, and I will repeat it again:

If your husband ever raise his hands against you, pack your luggage and leave him. Don't divorce him, but stay away from him until he's his old self when you married him. While you're away, as a christian, take time to pray for him. Surely you love that man, that's why you allowed him to take your hand in marriage.

Once that marriage has been sealed by appropriate authorities, in the presence of men and women of goodwill, then, only death, can separate one of you from the other. Any other means (including Divorce) is a Sin against your Soul, Body and Spirit. And more significantly, against God.

Lest I forget, it does not matter if the man/woman you are married to is a beast or lioness. You've got to stick to the person.

This is why you've got to be very careful when you pick the man/woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, or else you may have to spend the rest of your life in misery and bitterness.

bad

Parents should raise their daughters not to accept even a slap from a lover. Women tolerate too much nonsense.

Seun:

Parents should raise their daughters not to accept even a slap from a lover. Women tolerate too much nonsense.

this, coming from a naija guy -

ARE FOOLS

I come from Labuan Island Malaysia and where I come from, the women are the ones whom are controlling their husbands with terror. My grandmother treats her husband like a dog. She would expect him to give her money for gambling and she would sleep with other men and he would do the house work and take care of the children. And then when he died, that was the end of his suffering but now, women at home still rules but not as bad compared to my grandmother's time. Now its like my mother will make all decision making and my father would agree to it. The money comes from both sides but still my mother is the head of the family. This applies to alot of family's here in where I am living but I think starting from my generation, theres starting to be more of an equality between both sexes. Just would like to share a story with you although its not relating to Nigerian Men. Sorry,

gabrywyl:

I come from Labuan Island Malaysia and where I come from, the women are the ones whom are controlling their husbands with terror. My grandmother treats her husband like a dog. She would expect him to give her money for gambling and she would sleep with other men and he would do the house work and take care of the children. And then when he died, that was the end of his suffering but now, women at home still rules but not as bad compared to my grandmother's time. Now its like my mother will make all decision making and my father would agree to it. The money comes from both sides but still my mother is the head of the family. This applies to alot of family's here in where I am living but I think starting from my generation, theres starting to be more of an equality between both sexes. Just would like to share a story with you although its not relating to Nigerian Men. Sorry,

That's an interesting slant on the issue, but men or women, abuse is just as bad. As far as im concerned any one who abuses his / her partner is a complete failure and was not brought up well.

I completely 100% agree Ajebota