₦airaland Forum

naijadeyhia:
Young man I speak from experience.. do not put your life on hold just because of some sentimental opinion from your dad. Your girls parents would never have any misunderstanding with your parents because you are the one in focus and not your parents.

So if your dad says you must not marry her you would actually consider accepting that?

Perhaps I am being too radical with my approach but as a man who has seen the before and the after of marriage, my parents have no say in this. They will come around....they always do and if per adventure they refuse to love you as a son simply because you got married which is a good thing and not that you killed or robbed someone then so be it as this would prove your point regarding their mindset.

I remember growing up and being disowned by my father for refusing to study what he demanded me to study and I lived and ate with strangers.... did they stop being my parents? No! All entrities fell on deaf ears but today I am the pillar of the family to the glory of God! Nothing happens without me and my wife is a gem in their eyes. What I call what your dad is doing is initial gragra... He will chill.

I was even discussing with my wife a couple of days ago that this issue of bride price would not happen with my daughter, if and when she introduces a man to me as her fiance and he wiahes to get married, my talk would be with her and it would be centered on love...if she is sure of her love for him and vice versa and if she says yes, I will gladly give him her hand FOR FREE! .....NA MY PIKIN I NO DEY SELL AM NEITHER AM I TAKING A DIME ON HER HEAD...MY PERMISSION IS ENOUGH... Afterall she will never cease to be my daughter even when she becomes someone else's wife.

Wow! I love this! You are happy today because you were very bold and courageous to take your stand. Just imagine what difference it could have made if you had followed your family's choice. You probably could be having a bad marriage now and wouldn't give a damn about your family. Thanks for the advice, sir

lawanson44:
[b]Bro...i grew up as a kid and even most of my adult years loving the yoruba culture. I was a kid out of the 90s during the Afrobeat DUDU music era of Shina Peters. I enjoyed his music as a child. I loved to watch them play their drums with zest and at a time, we (my parents and i) lived in a compound with yorubas where i played together with the kids. Look at my NL moniker "Lawanson"...is it not a Yoruba Lagos Name?

But as i grew up, experiences began to open my eyes.

I don't even want to talk about the bigotry anti-igbo comments i see here when i began my sojourn into NL

Let me give you an instance...My cousin (My Dad's elder brother's daughter) served in Osun state and i remember how she recounted her ordeal as a corper in the West due to segregation as an omo-ibo. At a time, she almost died because all of a sudden, her face and feet began to swell as a result of some diabolic stuff which was sent to her there. We had to bring her back to the East and took her to various hospitals where they ran all the Tests in the world and saw nothing until she was taken to Okigwe where herbs were administered before she recovered.

Will i leave out the incident about a family friend who worked in a Federal Govt Parastatal in Abia where he was promoted above 2 of his superiors who were yorubas. According to one of the staff (a lady who lived in lagos and understood yoruba language very well), she overheard where one of the guys was boasting that he will make sure that Omo-ibo does not enjoy the promotion. The particular guy in question took leave and came back after a week and became uncontrollably close to this my friend unlike before and before you know it, Jidechukwu became terribly sick and was in a vegetative state for months before he finally died.

Let me talk about myself who has also witnessed my own share of livid hatred. I was invited to come deploy a network server for an office and when i did the job very well, the man in charge offered that i work with them part-time so that whenever there is an issue, i can be easily accessed. I was overjoyed and returned to the place to take the offer when i was told by the man's PA that his secretary and clerk who were yorubas quickly arranged for another guy who was into the same thing and convinced their boss that he should take him instead because i said i was not going to take the job. I got in touch with the man and he confirmed that it was what his secretary told him. His PA confided in me that when he asked the sec and the clerk why they were conniving to out-do me, they simply said that they didn't want an Omo-Ibo to come and start "RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH THEM" in that office! ( The boss and his PA are from Edo)....That was to me the last straw!

That was when i started to hate yorubas and i will ever continue to hate them forever and make sure it trickles down to my children and grandchildren.


Case closed![/b]

Your story is a touching one and I'm truly sorry. I myself have experienced hatred from Yoruba people but funny enough most of my friends are Yorubas. So it would be wrong for me to conclude that Yorubas are too tribalistic because there are Igbos that hate Yorubas too. Jingoists are everywhere but the best bait is not to be part of it

hahn:
I remember when I wanted to get married, I called my aunt and told her and the first thing she asked was, "I hope she is not Ijaw o?". My wife is actually Ijaw and there's is this beef btew the Ijaws and the Itsekiris. Like I care

Good luck. Don't forget to update us o

Hahaha! Imagine that. Congrats though that you succeeded.
Yes, I'll update u in due course. Thanks, sir

hahn:
The only solution is a rebellion or revolution of our core belief system.

Since you're in this kind of situation, why don't you get married to her. Your struggle will set as an example for many people suffering from the same predicament in years to come. Whether you succeed or not

Of course, I have that in mind. I'm just waiting for some things to click for me before I make my move. My happiness is that the girl truly loves me as I much as I love her. So I have nothing to worry about

naijadeyhia:
OP u actually have thw right mentality towards marriage. If you love this girl, sit with her and pour your mindset into her. Once she understands ur heart, pick up the phone or pay a visit to your dad and this time let him know you are going to dialogue with him for the last time on this issue. If he still refuses walk away and go get married in court, take a friend or 2 and perform her marriage rites if they do that in Togo. Let me see if your dad will barge into your home and demand that she must not sleep on your bed.

Parents are not always right. When you know and are sure u are right why allow them to scuttle you?

Seriously, I'm happy the girl's people have accepted me. All they care for is their daughter's happiness, although they hinted me that they wouldn't like any misunderstanding from my folks, that I should try my best to convince them. That's the part currently working on

Kingstone32:
how wud you feel if you son or daughter or even your grand children decides to do it without your knowledge?

Lord knows I'd never stop my son or daughter from marrying people of their own choice. I'll prioritize their happiness above my own choices

hahn:
The average African doesn't see it that way. We keep fighting to preserve our "African values" but still end of bleaching our skin, changing our accent, killing each other, practising tribalism and still hold the title for world's most poverty stricken continent.

Someone mentioned on this thread that "what elders see sitting down a child can't see standing on a tree". While that may be true to an extent, it is important to question what exactly it is they know and how they've been able to apply that knowledge to the greater good of our people. All the corrupt officials and people who have ruined this nation are all our "elders".

It's quite a pathetic situation we are in. And our youths are simply conditioned to repeat the same mistakes our elders did

Hahaha! You're so on perfectly on point, sir! our so-called elders are tribal jingoists and they've somehow passed the poison to the younger/upcoming generation. And I'm afraid the trend will continue till God knows when. It's such a pity! I thank God I'm not part of it...I see every living being as equal. Thank you, sir

tete7000:
Involve family elders. Explain your preference to them, let them know its your life and you are certain that is what you know is good for you. Don't bring in issue of time has changed.No! Just explain to them that you love the woman and you are certain she loves you back and both of you want each other so much. Tell them to help you talk to him.
It can be really frustrating but time solves all problem. Just humbly and patiently present your case. Don't make it look like you are not an adult and you are wiser than them. They are old men stucked in a long-held belief and it will take time to win them over.
Cheers and all the best.

Thanks, bro. I appreciate

lawanson44:
Nwokem, take seat! I have a friend who wanted to marry a yoruba girl he fell in love with. He told her of his intentions and the girl told him bluntly about how her family members called all the girls in their compound during the wedding ceremony of one of her older cousins who married a yoruba guy and were "advicing" them to follow her footsteps and make sure they clinch on yoruba spouses and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they bring an "Omo-Ibo" as a suitor because they will never give their consent.

And here you are telling me what i did is not good! If the yorubas feel we are not good to marry from their side, then why should i think that they should be assimilated into my own family?

Trust me, the Yoruba girl did not love the Igbo guy otherwise the fear of being called iyawo omo Ibo wouldn't have deterred her. True love breaks across family/tribal barriers!

tete7000:
If you are in this dilemma, my advice will be: don't give up, keep praying, keep believing. They at some point will come to respect your opinion.

I am, actually, and she's not even a Nigerian. She's from Togo but lives here with her parents. Her parents have already accepted me but my own parents won't, especially my dad. His excuse was that his uncle assisted him with his marriage to my mom and he has no regret until now. But that's some 28 years ago and things have changed

hahn:
I agree with you 100%. However, this is not feasible in Nigeria because we are taught from childhood to always respect our parents and "elders" thus making us dependent on their opinions to the extent they control our lives.

In Europe, a parent or family member has to call and book an appointment to see his/her child. If you get to the door without an appointment, it must be temporary and can even get turned back at the door. In Nigeria, your MIL just shows up from the village saying that she's staying for two weeks. And you can't argue

In Europe, kids are taught that by the time they are 18, they can fully run their lives. Many of them leave home, get an apartment, get jobs, go to school once they are 18 and only visit their parents. In Nigeria, a man of 40years that is married with kids still lives in his "father's house".

There are exceptions but this is the norm as the issue of family involvement exists in every country.

I guess most people won't understand if they are not in this kind of situation that will make the non involvement of family seem necessary.

God bless you immensely for this post. The emboldened is my best part of your analysis. Europeans understand and value the human right to making individualistic choices. Some of our traditions are the reason we're still lagging behind. Thanks a lot and God bless

lawanson44:
[b]Families MUST and should be involved!

I am speaking based on the tribal bigotry of the Yorubas. They will never allow you as an Igbo to marry from their place. That was why i quashed my younger sister's would-be marriage to one guy called Tayo. My sister brought him to our house and my mum though kind of reluctant gave her consent with my uncle but i stepped my foot down that the tayo will never marry my sister. The guy was like why? And i told him that the only condition that will make him marry my sister is for him to furnish me with verifiable information about at least 3 women from his family married to Igbo men which he could not. The guy wanted to play "I won't give up" until i gave him the embarrassment of his life in public one day and it was not someone who told him to call it quits.

My sister hated me for it and would not speak with me for close to 8 months but today she still thanks me alot because the Tayo later got married to a lady from his tribe and my sister happens to know someone who knows the person he is married to. He treats her like shyte and she lost her first pregnancy in a miscarriage due to the insistent beatings she gets from him coupled with the fact that the guy is a chronic womanizer.

My sister is married now to a nice guy from my state and she is expecting her 2 child and grateful to me for not allowing her go astray.[/b]

^ ^ ^ ^ ^
See what I was saying? And some people here want me crucified. So, bros, do you think u did a good thing hindering your sister from getting married to the one she loved? Do you think she'll ever forgive you? You placed your own will against her happiness, that's very wrong of you. I don't believe the part of Tayo beating your sister, though. That's a cover up for your wrongdoing. And if she had eloped you'd have rejected her, wouldn't you? Sorry to say this but we don't need people like you in marriage matters. Ishilove, please come and see this

tete7000:
If we ask for their counsel we have already involved them. And as per when disagreement arises, that is where patience and prayer come in. We patiently appeal to them to see where we are coming from when we are convinced of what we want. When marital problems arise our families will always become our refuge, though no one prays for that. However ups and down are part and parcel of marital life.

That's the hardest part, bro, and in most cases you don't succeed, especially when your fiancee is from another tribe. I know what I'm saying

ellovee:
Careless post from careless fellow. Na you born the girl wey you wan marry abi na court?
If you born your own, you for teach your female daughters that ideology

Forget the title, I intentionally made it so. Just read the post

tete7000:
My people say what an old man see standing, if a young person stands on top of twin tower he will not see it. We can't but involve families and seek counsel of elders who have gone that way before us. If conflicts arises we prayerfully sort it out. The wisdom of the elders is indispensable. We are gradually building up own too so as to avail them to the future generation. The scripture says where there are no counsel, the people perish.

I guess the title of the thread is a bit misleading. I never opined not to seek counsels from the elders of the family. My own is just to accept their good wishes and blessings but they can't choose for me. If I love my girl and she equally loves me in return, no family can stop us from getting married

Ishilove:
You gat jokes

No, I'm serious. Put this on the front page and you'll be surprised to see the number of people who share similar view with me

Emperortj93:
this guy need serious brain cleansing

pls keep shaking ur dumb head, it might do u a whole lot of good

Mbanu! I will not abuse you back

onegig:
Are you even listening to his ridiculous comments." Dad I am married and bringing my bride home to come see you" You don't even need to bring her home. You can as well marry a ghost and not communicate with your parents anymore.

@op or Umuchoke. You are suffering from serious inferiority complex.
There is nothing that doesn't have it disadvantages as long as humans are the harbingers of it. There would always be a case of misuse or extremity but that does not invalidate the rich benefits that can be derived from such.

Yes, the kind of family setting we practice in Africa can be a bit strenuous and sometimes disadvantageous but the overall benefits of what we practise cannot be overemphasized.

As for your marriage question. You are from somewhere. You belong to somebody and she does to. No matter how much you want to preach individuality you still owe them some sort of allegiance and involving them is the least you can do.
I don't think you read my post very clearly.

The African marriage is premised on freedom, start of a new life and handing over the baton of responsibility to the newly weds. You can't gain freedom without the "master" giving it out to you. Parents are mostly held responsible for the actions of their kids in Africa and most parents would want their last act over you to be successful, thus more reason why the family is always deeply involved in marriages.

I was beginning to enjoy your comment till I got to the emboldened part. Did I ever mention child marriage here? So who are the kids you're referring to, who would need the permission of their parents before they can marry? Marriage is for adults with mature minds, and of course families have to be involved but they have no right to decide our marriage mates for us.

As for your other discuss about Europe and other individualistic cultures. You dont even need to go too far to see why we have so many mentally deranged people, high levels of depression and extreme loneliness in cultures that practise this "individualistic ideals" . Most end up committing suicide and live a life of absolute lonelinesses and dejection. Siblings, parents and kids not keeping in touch for decades is what you term progressive? SMH

Sorry to bust your bubbles, but what you just listed here is ubiquitous, so why isolate the Europe alone? I advise you visit the Ikoyi Registry at ur leisure and see the number of divorces they record in a single day. I was there too last month when I traveled to Lag to witness a friend's divorce. According to him, the marriage was his 'mom's idea'. She had rejected the first girl he introduced to her and given her this one instead. Thankfully, they have a baby boy, who's now in the mom's custody in Abuja. The guy is looking so dejected and worn out now. . .any other name for that?

The family is a fabric that holds all humans in place. The higher the cohesiveness, the saner and more peaceful the lives of the individuals are. You are still young and very naive. You would understand this better when you grow older and need to lean on "family" to get you through your challenges or share in your joy. That's when you would know what is up.

I agree with you 100% that family provides an enjoyable oneness enclave and for that we need it. But inasmuch as we acknowledge their importance in our lives we, I still maintain that, as adults, must remember that true happiness can only come from the individualistic choices we make. Our families are there to give a few invaluable pointers but we are to make the decision ourselves and they ought to respect that too. Meanwhile, I'll be 27 in October by God's grace, so I'm no longer a kid.

However, you can choose to so whatever you like. It is a free and individualistic world like you people would like to tell us.

Thanks to you for your contribution. I appreciate, sir

Emperortj93:
second this post 100%
.
.
Op i blame telemundo, hollywood and the internet for ur view about marriage. Now grow up and stop acting all childish

Smh

Ishilove:
You are incredibly naive, young man.

When push come to shove, at the end of the day, that same family you refused to involve will be your refuge if all goes south.

When you marry into a family, you don't marry your partner alone but the entire family. The importance of investigating family background cannot also be over-emphasised.

Do they have any strange pattern in the family? E.g insanity, untimely death, poverty, polygamy, stealing etc.

Are they of good moral standing?

Is their spiritual foundation solid or they a family of witches and wizards? Lol

The point is you can't do away with family involvement when marrying because the person you're marrying comes from a family and was not picked from the street. Heck, even if the person is an orphan with no family, he or she will still have one or two people who they will take you to meet.

Are you even African? Cant believe I'm having to explain this

My dear, I'm sure you're still a young girl but you just sounded like my old grandmother with her archaic African mentality! Why is it necessary that you carry out a thorough investigation on his family background before taking marriage decision? Where do you place LOVE, which ought to be paramount? Read my intro again; families are important but they have no right to decide your marriage choice for you. Take the example of the guy above who said the sister to his girlfriend is trying to stop their marriage. Would you listen to your sister if you were in his shoes?
Then again, I don't believe in witches and wizards but if I eventually fall in love with a witch she'd change because of me. That's love. I also know it's foolish to love a known armed robber but are you telling me you'd jilt the boy you claim you love if perchance you discover he's osu (an outcast) in his hometown? I think you have to glance over the statistics of divorce in Nigeria to realize how bitter a failure marriage really is. Most of them were manipulations of families

Ishilove Lalasticlala

pickabeau1:
And you have been to Europe to confirm this is so

You don't have to go there to know. The media is there to tell us. Some even get married and have kids before informing their fams.

cronsberg:
Same thing i am going through now. I met a girl, we fell in love, after a couple of months, we agreed to marry. I did the necessary introductions, her family accepted, only for the eldest sister in the family who never visits the family home to start unnecessary hold up to my plans by saying that she was disrespected because my girl didn't inform her that i wanted to marry her . can you believe it? does she even have a goddam say in the whole thing? All the important elders already accepted and are even eager for me to finalize the deal, but this cranky elder sister wants to create very unnecessary drama out of nothing. That is after all the troubles i went through with my girl's brothers that i am confusing their sister, that because of me she ain't serious in school again and all sorts of crap.
Sometimes i wish they will succeed in breaking us up, and knowing my girlfriend is the type that might easily run away from home(she did it before) and will do it again if they refuse to allow me marry her, then let her brothers attempt to face me and say i was responsible for her running away, the kind hell i will put them through eh, hmmm.
I just wonder why we just can't be as simple as europeans or americans regarding these things. You meet a girl, fall in love, plan your wedding, then invite family member. If they come, good. If they didn't, that will surely not stop the wedding. Heck zoom off to vegas and have a casino type wedding. its your life dammit. Thank God both me and my girlfriend are the running away from home type(responsibly though), adventurous and full of life.

Imagine, the elder sister, not even the parents! Please don't give up. If the feeling is mutual, I believe you can fight it out with your girl. Marriage is eternity, and you alone know what's good for you. It's high time families understand that the best they can do is counsel or advise us. They have no right to dictate for us. Kids don't get married, only adults do and they should allow us exercise our right.
I wish you all the best, bro.

missKiffy:
You think so?

It is so

60-year-old man! I can't believe it was a rape case. A man of his age can't force a fully grown ho into sex. Shame!

tpiander:
Is something wrong with your history?

its important especially if you're African, to know the family history of the person you're thinking of marrying.

There's nothing wrong with my history. And I agree with you that, as African, it's important you get to know the background of the person you're going to marry. But then again I don't think it's necessary because if you follow the protocol you might end up not marrying the person. Where there's true love I don't think family barriers should be given a chance to manipulate the relationship. You would just end up marrying someone u don't love just to please ur family. Your happiness is paramount. Take the case of Romeo and Juliet for instance

EnlightenedSoul:
Nah, its not. They raised me and made me who I am. They're not secondary to my own thoughts, desires, wants, and dreams even if the aforementioned undoubtedly wins out over their own at times. Their input, if any, may not always decide the endgame but its always valued and considered.

Alright, I get your point perfectly

EnlightenedSoul:
I'm pretty close with my folks, so I try to please them when I can. However, I'm not to be vicariously lived through as if they haven't already lived their own lives. There'll be times they're not going to be happy with my choices, and that's OK. C'est la vie.

I don't agree with that second place thing tho.

You don't agree with putting them in the second place yet you admitted that there'll be times they're not going to be happy with your choices? That's contradicting

crackhaus:
You lost me at 'it's only common in Africa'.

Is there a part of the world where people don't want to involve their families when they're getting married?

Yes, in Europe a guy can fall in love with a lady, take her to court for marriage. Then ring the fam next day like "Hey, dad! I just got married to one Cynthia. Coming home soon to introduce her". Now that's how it's supposed to be, bro. Not first of all telling ur parents, who would in turn ask their own parents if they know the girl's people history. That sucks!

freecocoa:
Not when it comes to my own marriage, nobody can tell me who to marry, I will marry who I want, if they don't like that, to blazes with them.

Lol! Alright then

crackhaus:
You want me to explain to you why getting married to anyone without involving families is WRONG? Seriously?

It's only common in Africa and that has ruined many chances of young couples getting married to whom they love. The sentiments attached to marriage is damn too much. And for that I say yes, they shouldn't be fully involved

I'm sorry to say this, but why is it a common trend for girls nowadays to pose like imbeciles when taking pictures?