₦airaland Forum

@Good-will123: in whatever we do in life, wisdom should be the guide. Acting on impulse has never produced any good result or so little if at all any. I will say, don't report to your friend. You have done your part just like some others have said. You have warned the woman to stop on her tracks. If she goes ahead to dive in despite your warnings, then it is her cross to bear. When the bubbles bursts, you tell your friend you couldn't have told him that because you didn't want to break his home. But instead, you cautioned the wife and threatened to report her if she dares it. That should be enough. If you are the one to give him the revelation, he will see it from a different prism compared to when it comes from his wife because, he will have the notion the wife is hiding something reason she kept it from him. You can't afford to loose your job in this present day Nigeria because of the woman. It is her duty to tell her husband.

Sorry people, I don't mean to trade words. This is all I want to say and will ever say here.

Yes I came here just like every other individual hurting comes here (Family section which is assumed to be for family related matters and matured minds) to get second opinion and most importantly, to unburden my heart.

In all my write up, I never called her names, I never talked her down, irrespective of my anger and bitterness, I still maintained sanity. I only registered my pains and what led me to that. I also was very discreet and careful to leave out certain details so as to keep this anonymous. It is very unfortunate that I am afraid in her bid to paint me a devil and dispel my story, she might have revealed too much information. I worry about that because no body knows what tomorrow has in store. Family or colleagues my stumble unto this and decipher it.

I wasn't a saint as a young person and bachelor. Any single guy who hasn't at one point or another kept more than one relationship (not kids in their teens or early twenty's) should cast the 1st stone. Most especially when you get to a certain stage when you have to seek out that one person who will complete your life.

Let me also categorically state here in all sincerity, I have NEVER cheated on this woman ever since I said I do. I saw it all in my single-hood and made a commitment to myself to remain faithful because there was nothing else to look for. The woman I married had all I wanted except for being heady, stubborn and short-tempered.

Yes I am a very compassionate person, friendly and a moral booster. I can talk a suicide bound individual out of it. I have a way with words but I know where to draw the line.

This is the much I can say. I leave it all to our NLanders to sieve the chaff from the grain.

I am Lazy while she is the diligent and industrious one who doubles as the bread winner of the house. No problem, I leave it all to posterity and heavens to judge.

Good day all.

baby_123: I think i have seen this story on linda's blog. Did you send her your story as well? Just curious. i didnt want to raise alarm just in case you are genuine.

I did not. Does that girl has the right to use it without my express permission?

Peterwins: @OP. Your "unfaithful" wife may be reading this thread and already knows your thoughts and/or next line of actions.

It may sound strange but I believe you were not sensitive enough to know she was cheating on you before you read the email. Perhaps a weakness (or oversight) on your part. You need to work on it because of the next relationship in case you decide to divorce her and remarry. We all need to be sensitive to our partners and children's weaknesses in order to nip any untoward issue(s) in the bud. Hence the reason some husbands are very firm with issues concerning their immediate family.

The following steps/issues may be worth considering:
1. No excuse for infidelity on her part but what "if" she was "hypnotised" by your so called family friend/senior colleague. Some men can be very dangerous and/or diabolical.

2.Inform her parents. It is important they are put on notice. Ensure you do this one on one with them (her parents) in her presence.

3. Do a DNA test on your daughter irrespective of the fact of her resemblance to your mother.

4. Does she still work in the same office/company with the trespasser?

5. Do a complete health check-up for the entire family - yourself, your wife and daughter. Hope no STD was passed.

6. A temporal separation (less than 3 months) should suffice and the reasons undisclosed to your family and friends, though this may have already leaked as you have already gone viral on the internet.

7. The separation will allow you to take the most appropriate decision.

Having stated all these, I sincerely believe you should forgive her and do not divorce her if she really pleads for your forgiveness and shows sincere remorse.

All the best.

Thanks for your contribution. I know my wife will find this and I wasn't hiding it. We do frequent nairaland to keep abreast of happenings. Reading through all the comments with diverse opinion from people of different races and nationalities and most especially our fellow country men/women from different tribes will help draw a clearer picture of the quantum of her misdemeanor and cause her to take a deeper sober reflection.

I don't agree with you that this thread will cause a leak as I did not disclose vital statistics and keywords that can give us away. I had that at the back of my mind all through and I carefully avoided such details.

Toks2008: This is one area i tried not to discuss but since you ask i will spill it out.

I got her pregnant when she was 19 and the pregnancy was aborted. I took responsibility for that even i was not keen on abortion but her older sis insisted and i guess her reasons was clear then, she has similar experience and the guy later dumped her and left her as a single mother and for several reasons she gave.

Now she is 30 and we are married but no child yet. She seem to be the problem due to irregular circle and so on but i refused to try another lady till date because i love her and still believe the worst we can do is ivf if we wait some more time without result.

But crazy enough she was saying she would have stayed and tolerated the incompatibility if there was a child between us and this got me wondering how shallow women can be.

She claims she is not leaving because there is no child but she would have stayed if there is a child between us so you can see how confused she is.


The bottom line is that she is confused, frustrated and totally disillusioned and that's why im having this Patience but it wont be for long before i sincerely move on.

I am almost 40 and i don't think i will let any lady bring stagnancy into my life.

I have asked her to make up her mind and either retrace her steps or come pack her stuffs from my place to allow another lady flow with me without fear.

I knew it. I wish it is possible to detach her from her elder sister. I don't know why I have this conviction that her elder sister is part of the negative influence affecting your wife. She must in her ignorance and little understanding and ignorance told your wife that the reason she is not getting pregnant is because of the incompatibility of you two. May I also add that you are a rare breed. It usually is very easy for women to jump ship because they work on emotional level and lack deep-rooted thinking.

I wish you all the best. What a life? To think that these women at one time or the other professes undying love. Phew!

Toks2008: Nice one and we are on the am page i guess.

I have lost my zeal for this thing called marriage. For me, i have decided to approach it in a way that nothing will ever surprise me.

If a lady can tell me she is disconnected from me after 12 years of been together DESPITE MY 100% LOYALTY TO HER and not that she caught me cheating but because of crazy reasons of incompatibility a if i have been pretending all these years then what is marriage when there is no tolerance.

It is ok to get married and procreate but believe me IT SUCKS.

Please my brother I want ask. Is/Are there no issues (Child/Children) in the marriage? Could it be the reason why she wants to up and leave citing incompatibility?

sokoanugwa: @OP, Just understand that from the beginning when God instituted marriage, He did not have divorce in mind. God will not make something and still have flaws in it. Other married people have said a whole lot But the decision to make your marriage work is in your hand. We all have different level of faith and deep underdstanding of God, grace and forgiveness. You need to understand that where sin abound, grace abounds much more. She needs you to talk to God on her behalf as the head of the house,if you dont condemn her, neither will anyone do. If you dont want other people to know what she has done thus far, it shows that you still Love her deeply. You love her but hate what she has done, same with God, but He provided a way of escape for us by saying, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Common man, use what has worked in your marriage prior to this time. the enemy is after you destiny and that of your generation. Fight that devil now before he returns and becomes a monster. Only you can make it happen

Wow! Nairaland indeed is a family; only in its virtual form. This is my 1st time of ever talking extensively on this matter. I have only once sort the opinion of a female friend who we only chat on BBM and who doesn't know my wife in person. Despite her counsel, it didn't do me any good. But with the barrage of advices, suggestions, comments here - which I have carefully read through all, the burdens on my shoulder and heart feels lifted to a certain degree. I am glad I charted this course. At least I feel lighter in my head and heart.

I thank each and everyone of you for your contributions.

Hmm . . . . Life!

Toks2008: Ok, go ahead since your mind is made up but what follows?

1. Start fornicating with any girl that catches your fancy.
2. Probably get married to another lady that may be worse than your wife.


Let me even tell you this fact many guys don't know. Giving up your wife to another man is a sign of weakness. Adultery or no adultery.

So let me be frank with you and i believe this will solve the situation. Let her stay and don't give her up but you can still go ahead and marry another lady that will give you a clean start.Let her be the one to walk away if you are resolute that you cant stay with her any longer but save yourself the stress of divorce.

Some may see this advice as stupid but its better than divorce.

Just like i have told my wife that i will not divorce her and if she stays away too long and i venture into another affair then i will be marrying two wives because i will never let go of the new lady even if she ever comes back. So let your wife pay that price for cheating on you rather than go through the stress of divorce.

I wish you well.

Sincerely my brother. This was my foremost position but wifey said she cannot stay married to me while I bring in another woman. She even said she can't afford to share me. Ain't that laughable? She is just lucky I am the man I am. Age does really make us wiser.

Danfo: OP,

If you can still say the above with the amount of quality advice people have given you so far, then it is clear that you are not a realist, and only your un-emotional self can see clearly enough to reach a sensible decision that will be good for you and all concerned in the long term.

Let me help you to understand using extracts and apt deductions from your initial post and one subsequent comment:

1. ‘I found out my wife was having an affair with her senior colleague in the office who also doubles as a family friend. (Deduction: She can kill you without much thought or regret if situation demands it)

2. The subject of the mail that excited my curiosity. The subject says "Ifemi" which in Yoruba means "My Love".
(Deduction: She does not love you one bit. The sex with the ‘family friend’ was more than sex for it has love as a component. Your discovery of the affair cannot erase that love that easily)

3. What is more disturbing is that they were having unprotected sex while my baby was still bosom feeding (no wonder my smart girl stopped suckling at 5 months).
(Deduction: She values the illicit affair more than any physical, spiritual impact it might have on her daughter. If her newly-born daughter’s health could not inhibit the affair, then you stand very little chance of doing so. Especially if she can sleep with him while still fresh from childbirth, then you can safely assume that he was sleeping with her while she was pregnant with your ‘adorable daughter’. Sad but true.)

4. Our marriage will be 4 years in a couple of month’s time and is blessed with an adorable daughter.
(Deduction: Yes you are right it appears the innocent little girl is the only blessed thing about the union, and even that blessedness has been tainted by the circumstances during her pregnancy and immediately after. Imagine a child in the womb of a woman having sex with a family friend. That action has some deep spiritual connotation I can’t even start explaining here)

5. They both claimed it was a mistake. While I am battling to believe them, it will be of interest to note that, they didn't go to bed just once which nullifies the claim of it being a mistake. And it will be foolhardy for anyone to believe that. One cannot make a mistake twice. The second time usually is a choice that is dully premeditated.
(Deduction: This shows you as a wimp and a laughing stock to both of them. I will be willing to bet they have slept with each other again since your so called ‘discovery’)

6. Funny enough, because I didn't want the news to go ballistics, I covered up for them when the man's wife stumbled on their BBM chat too and stormed my house with the man spoiling for war.
(Deduction: This shows you as a wimp and a laughing stock to both of them. I will be willing to bet they have slept with each other again since your so called ‘discovery’. You are a strange one for sure!)


7. My wife has it all; beauty and brains. Like the few people both male and female will say when they see her picture either on my phone or ipad "Guy, you carry eye enter wife market".
(Deduction: You are infatuated with her and very much afraid to lose her because you have low self esteem and opinion of your worth. You have concluded that you may not find her type of beauty and ‘intelligence’ again. And this is why you even refuse to tell any family including the family friends’ wife, because even you know they will drive her away without hesitation. Bro, you are on dangerous ground because you are dealing with an intelligent mind that has no morals or inhibitions. You are dealing with a knowledgeable mind without character. Tread carefully bro!

Also remember the Bible says: Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

I conclude by saying that, do not allow emotion or even logic to rule you, rather let barefaced naked truth and self-preservation guide your decisions so you may remain safe to live out your life happily. If you think you can ever trust her again, or that somehow the memory of the betrayal will fade away then the joke is certainly on you bro, because the mind never ever forget.Indeed, the mind of man doesn't do FORGET.If it happened your mind will recollect it, unless you have amnesia, which is another line of topic entirely.

Again, I say all the best to you!

Viola! Some of your analysis align with my thoughts exactly. I laugh at your regarding me as a wimp. A good man/hubby is slow to anger because most times, actions resulting from anger are usually always regretted. I am a realist by nature in view of my person and the constellations that control my being if you believe in zodiacs. I analyze issues before reaching a conclusion which usually is irreversible as I must have weighed the pros and cons. To add to that, I was trained to uphold my principles by my father which he said are the virtues of a real man. I drilled her thoroughly to understand the rational behind her action and her answers were "I sincerely can not explain what happened or how it got to this point".

Well, thank you everyone for your contributions. They are all weighty and have their strength and weaknesses. I have done several online research, read my Bible "even though I wouldn't want to make quotes", the Bible made it clear in the New Testament that the only reason a man can leave his wife is on the grounds of infidelity. There was never a clause that absorbs the action as a fallout of the man's philandering nature or inability to cater for his wife emotionally and physically. I want to state equivocally here that I never did fall short in my duties as a husband. It might not always all be rosy as it is part of the make-up of the life we live in for there to be seasons. The bible also made mention of a "virtuous woman" which I had expected her as a married woman and every other married woman to tow such path.

I did both registry and church wedding as demanded to know by some respondents.

My decision to cover her up did not stem from the fact that I am a wimp or that she is the bread winner (she is not) of our home, it is borne out of genuine love not to ridicule her and turn her a laughing stock amongst her friends, neighbors and colleagues. What do i stand to gain if I ridicule her? I don't pay evil for evil. Her parents will sure get to know because I won't want them to have the impression that I used and dumped their daughter. I have fought a good fight but it all seems I am loosing in every front. When I sit back and analyze the whole thing, I can't find any grounds to stand on to begin the healing and repair of the damage done. Maybe if it had happened once, and just maybe around this time when our girl has passed the early infant age and again protection used, it will be pardonable and most likely easier too.

I thank you all and I pray when it is eventually over, God will give me a woman who will see the good man in me and hold sacred her vow, see herself as the mother of the house, make a concerted effort to be the "virtuous woman" to me as described in the bible.

I appreciate you all.

Toks2008: Hmmm, Adultery,Adultery,Adultery. I am so so confused here.

I am equally married but separated from my wife at the moment. Reason? Incompatibility as she Claimed but i simply told her she is carried away by another man which she denied vehemently and presently staying with here sis.

Though i don't know whether she is seeing another man at the moment but the mare taught of her with another man drives me crazy so i can imagine your case knowing that the act really happened.O gosh.

Asking you to forgive her seems ok but you definitely can't forget. Each time you touch her, kiss her and make love to her the flashes must come no doubt. I really feel for you and i believe GOD will help you in making your decision.

But whatever happens, Love forgives all things.

You have just spoken like you were living inside my head. The few times I have tried ĺ♡√Ɛ making, it was appalling. I could not be the man I use to be. All through the brief session I struggled and I couldn't help the flashing images on my head. Worst when she makes a sound in pleasure. Oh God help me.

Toks2008: OP Let me give you a true advice.

I am a married man, i met my wife when she was 19, made her a woman, at 25 i married her now at 30 she says she is disconnected from me because of incompatibility issues and i kept wondering if i have been pretending all thee years so i sternly told her that she is simply carried away and that whenever her brain settles she can come back home provided she has not defiled herself with another man. For about 4 months now she has been staying with her sis.

Now get this straight, even if she sleeps with another man and she realizes her mistakes and comes back to me, i will forgive her and move on like nothing ever happened. You know why?

What is the guarantee that the next lady i will marry will not do worse things? and what is the assurance that the new lady have not slept with the whole men in Nigeria.

Wake up man, she is your wife. the question you should ask yourself is:

1. Is she a good wife to you?
2. Has he always made you happy?
3. Is she worth forgiving considering what you guys have been through together?
4, Is she genuinely repentant?

If all these answers are positive abeg forgive her if she is sincerely sorry.


See, the only difference between a man and a woman are the genitals and some hormones, they can also get carried away like we men and i believe if it was you who defiled the marriage bed you will ask her to forgive you abi? Abeg forgive your wife and pray to GOD to help you mend your broken heart.

I have been married for 6 years now so my advice is worth considering.

Wow! So touching. Life oh life. You have touched one of my biggest fears. What guarantee do I have the next woman will be better than her? It might not be in terms of cheating but she might have her own faults that will make cheating seem like a child's play. I have also thought of not remarrying but the fear of growing old alone and lonely prevails over not remarrying. Sincerely it would have been easy for me to forget it and assume it was temptation if it happened just once and also if I did not stumble into evidences that what they shared permeates the S€X they shared. To add to that, these things were happening 4 - 5 months after the birth of our adorable daughter. Where I come from, it is sacrillage. I am at a loss of which way to go. I wish I could find and press a delete button to wipe it all away. Going on a cheating spree too is not an option (at least at the moment) because every woman at this point has the mark on their forehead. God help me.

Thanks everyone for your contributions. You have all spoken well. I love my wife and I love my daughter silly. I leave no stone unturned in taking care of my family cos that is the only reason I go out daily (To provide for them). Her friends are a testimony to my capability in taking care of her. Her colleagues in both her former work place and the present one all appreciate for her what she has in terms of her marriage and husband. So there is no gain saying I may not have been leaving up to my expectations as a hubby.

In the last 8 months I have tried to heal, I have tried to see how we can work around it, I have also tried living like it never happened. In all this, none seem to be working. I loved my wife and that is why I have made all these efforts but the torture I live through will never go away and for this singular reason I feel there is no need going on like this. At the moment, I am only tolerating her and that is not good for marriage; reason I said marriage is not meant to be endured. Can there ever be a time I will not remember the incident? Can there ever be a time I will laugh it off and not hurt instead? The sex is dead; No urge because she repulses me and there is no way I will think of S£X with her without remembering what they did. So how can one live in this manner?

God help me.

fonzie2u: all said and done. Have you asked yourself whats making her have an affair. well greed or nympho u would say,but ur tone sounds like a self centred person.
why is she having sex with him(money,,arriage,or job)u never stated. u sound like a perfectionist who doesnt tolerate mistakes.
OR r you get up from her once u had ur fill without knowin if shes fulfilled. women love men who can explore them,u never mentioned anything romantic or exciting that you do for her
i dont support infidelity @ all,but work on urself too.uv got attitude issues.

Do you honestly think I will come here and rant about how I sleep with my wife? Thats childish. Also note that we are comfortable so it has nothing to do with money. In summary, thanks anyway but no thanks.

*Semuhle*Baby*:
Can i ask a question. Did your friend know your wife before you got married? And who knew who first?

No. It was work that brought them together. She worked directly under him, though she was later moved to a different department but they have already struck a cord then and the friendship extended to the family. He visited when my wife put to bed and a few other times. He also atimes brings her home from work.

MMotimo: OP

This is so sad. I just hope the randy lover boy is getting a lot of heat from his own wife too and not just enjoying his life like nothing happened

Funny enough, because I didn't want the news to go ballistics, I covered up for them when the man's wife stumbled on their BBM chat too and stormed my house with the man spoiling for war.

*Semuhle*Baby*:
so Op do you think your wife is a bad mother?

Sincerely, I cannot say she is a bad mother. However, change being a constant, I cannot vouch for tomorrow. If she can toss off the window the sanctity of her marriage and destroy it by her own volition, no saying what she can do tomorrow.

We have talked about joint custody if the marriage finally collapses which is very likely. I agree my little girl will be better off with her mum. But the thought of her not growing up under my watch is killing me. I love her to bits and wanna enjoy her stages of growth. But this I am going to miss. It's killing me.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. May God bless you all.

On the paternity of my daughter, I have no doubt she is my flesh and blood because of the striking resemblance. She is a replica of my mum.

I want to forgive her and move past this period and work on the marriage, this is the reason why we have stayed together till this moment. I had the chance of informing both parents last Christmas but I chose not to with the hope we will survive it and move on. Yeah my wife is remorseful. She has tried in her own way to make amends but truth be told, it is not easy. I cannot lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k at her and not wonder how she got to that hotel, took her clothes off, slept with her colleague/our family friend, left and I possibly went to pick her up when she got closer home in our usual fashion, she came back and carried my daughter, forming mother and wife, slept on the same bed with me (Oh Lord I must have been so foolish), and lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k me in the face to tell me she loves me. And then they repeated same thing few days later, and again and possibly again and again and again until I made the discovery. They claim it was just a few times cos I have spoken with the devil himself.

Before breaking the news to her after my discovery, I made her unlock her phone so I went straight to their BBM chats. Their BBM conversation and email correspondence lend credence to the fact that, they didn't just sleep with each other out of raging hormones, they were actually having an amorous affair. A supposed wife!

I wish there is a reset button so I can reset my memory and move on in my marriage cos I ĺOVƐ my wife and for the sake of our adorable daughter. But how will I cope in this misery she has put me in? Right now I don't feel anything for her anymore. I snap sometimes no matter how much I try not to. Even the way I relate with her. Our usual pet name "НONEY" is so heavy in mouth now that I just mumble it when I need to call her attention for anything.

I feel my best option is a dissolution. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Yes I know it has its up and downs and we have had our fare share and gone past through it. This one is bigger than me. I don wanna die young or age faster than I should cos I have noticed some rapid changes.

Meanwhile, I made her confess because she was trying to be economical with the details initially. Let me also mention that in all this, I never raised a finger at her. I am one with an absolute self control. I don't subscribe to violence in any form.

God help me.

I don't even know where to start. Sorrow, depression, dejection, resignation etc, all now knows me by name. The love is dead, I loath her for the betrayal, sex is dead, joy gone. It's been 8 months since I made the startling discovery, I have tried to live like It didn't happen but that didn't work. I have tried to brace it like a man and move past it, that too didn't work. We have had several talks about it hoping it will heal my wound but it ain't working too. I have lost my strength to move on, my drive for success and happiness is dead. I roam aimlessly now most times not having a clear vision cos my mind is messed up. Several times I narrowly escaped ramming into a car ahead of me. I look at women now with disdain (my apologies) and infidelity boldly carved on their foreheads.

What got me all messed up like this? I found out my wife was having an affair with her senior colleague in the office who also doubles as a family friend. How did I get to know, I stumbled into an amorous email exchange between them when I wanted to help her apply for a job which has a better prospect than where she was then. It was the subject of the mail that aroused my curiosity. The subject says "Ifemi" which in Yoruba means "My Love". What is more disturbing is that they were having unprotected sex while my baby was still breast feeding (no wonder my smart girl stopped suckling at 5 months). Our marriage will be 4 years in a couple of months time and is blessed with an adorable daughter. They both claimed it was a mistake. While I am battling to believe them, it will be of interest to note that, they didn't go to bed just once which nullifies the claim of it being a mistake. And it will be foolhardy for anyone to believe that. One cannot make a mistake twice. The second time usually is a choice that is dully premeditated.

I am barely sticking what is left of the marriage just because of my little girl. She will be 2 in no distant time. Separation and divorce is my only option now since every other option has left me worse off. I have lost so much weight in these few months. I also want to state here that I have never cheated on my wife before. I keep asking myself what will push me to cheat because sincerely, my wife has it all; beauty and brains. Like the few people both male and female will say when they see her picture either on my phone or ipad "Guy, you carry eye enter wife market".

One question I want answers to now is: our court marriage did not happen here in Lagos, can I file for dissolution of the union here in Lagos?