₦airaland Forum

Daughter: dad is the dna result out?

Father: I'm afraid it is.

Daughter: What did it say?

Father: Let's just say you should start calling me Mr John...

A couple was preparing to go out for an ocassion when the woman looks in the mirror.

I look fat, the woman said in a worrying tone.

The man, trying to cheer her up with a compliment replied: 'Well at least you've got good eye sight'.

Question: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time??

Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a card off a head stone.

Next night, the husbands meet at the bar, one looks at the other and says, "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night."

The other one says, "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying, 'You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.'"

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

seunmsg:
For a Man United supporter, you shouldn’t be having an opinion when Arsenal is playing. You guys haven’t earned the right to talk when title contenders are playing.

Arsenal have finished second the past three seasons... They arent title contenders, they are title pretenders.

crazygod:
Villa?
Liverpool has a higher chance of winning the league than Villa. Europe is about to resume. Watch Villa begin to crumble due to fatigue.

Dont be surprised if Arsenal finished second to Villa, same way they finished second to Leicester in 2016

Where are those Arsenal fans chest beatimg about Arsenal completing their revenge mission against Liverpool?

crazygod:
They have won the league boss. City is not serious this season.

It's like you don't kmow Arsenal very well... They will still bottle the league this season, it will start from today. If City dont win it, then Villa will.

Arsenal have been pathetic today. If they can't defeat an out of sorts Liverpool, then they don't deserve tp win the league.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for s*x."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"

Lucy: "They already have boyfriends."

A woman was asking her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" He responded, "What am I? An electrician?!"

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have steamy sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? A pastry chef?!"

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me my meal!"

She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

Boy: (calls 911) Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

A husband and wife are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off by making the father of the child bear 20% of the pain. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the gateman groaning in pain on the doorstep...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you bought me a brand new car. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

If google is a gender, then it will be female... it doesn't let you finish your sentence before making a suggestion

A guynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive... After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, a hot chick, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay. “It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?” “I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

..A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive... After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax.

After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring. It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay. “It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?” “I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

Referee don save Arsenal today, he qiuckly ended the match with bournmouth on a dangerous attack.

Lol... never mind the league, bottlers fc will bottle this match.

Btw, this happened in 2008, and is known as the covina massacre

This hypocrite too wants to talk about persecution...