There was this little village always terrified by the devil himself. He appeared to them (villagers) daily frightenen them and never allowing them to serve another god but himself.
Many evangelist had been sent there but they all came back mad or died in action.

This time around the church body sent another brother, a very ugly brother.
On ariving at the village he was given a room to stay and as usual, the devil was aware of his arival.
Shortly had he arrived, he knelt down at his bed side to pray, and the devil appear at the door behind him, and walked slowly towards him allowing him, to finish his prayers.

On finishing his prayers the devil shouted with a loud voice " I LEARNT YOU'RE HERE because OF ME"
then, the brother gently stands up and turned to face the devil.
On seeing his ugly face the devil screams with great shock and fright, " THE BLOOD OF JESUS"

He immediately fled the village and never returned.

Every disppointment is a blessing.

diluminati: cyrexx please keep it coming .

thanxx, baby, for you i will.

thats why i'm dedicating this joke to you:

enjoy



Passion of Jesus: His final moments in heaven before descending to earth.

God: Jesus, Jesus, Jesusssssssssssssss! Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Jesus: Yes dad.

God: Where were you?

Jesus: I was doing the dishes, sir.

God: Well, [looking into the world in his palm] These mud-men of mine are just not behaving themselves. I mean, after we created them, they've just been all over the place, and I'm just feeling lonely I need to hear them sing, praise me and massage my ego, but all the prophets I've sent haven't been able to change them.

Jesus: Hmmmm.. Well, I guess Uncle Lucifer told you and was right!

God: Shut yer mouth! Or do you want me to send you to join him?

Jesus: Sorry sir!

God: Now, go get your stuffs together. I'll be sending you down to some desert and some people called Israel, the ones I've chosen amongst all of the mud-men.

Jesus: You're kidding, right?

God: No, I'm not and better not give me that attitude! I'll send you down through a virgin and you'll live amongst the mud-men for 33 years and on the last year they will beat you, drag you through the streets and nail you to a cross [smiling]

Jesus: WTF? What have I done to deserve this?

God: Well, I need to appease my ego and make a sacrifice to appease myself. And by the time your're back you'll become a hero amongst the mud-men, they will sing your praise for centuries.

Jesus: But, Dad! [weeping terribly] I dont want no cheap popularity.

God: Don't Dad me, pull up your pants and be gone.

Jesus walks away grumbling and crying... Walks into his room. The angels walk in.

Angel 1: Why are you crying Big J?

Jesus: Dad just said he'll send me to the world to go and die as a sacrifice for him, so he can save the mud-men he created 'from the sin he created and he knew they will go astray all along, but he went on and created them and even uncle Lucifer as well. [sobbing terribly].

Then I have to become a baby again - poo my pants and pee myself, feed on baby food and all that crap!

Angel 2: Well your dad, is a strict man, we can't really say poo. Hurry up boy, I'll keep your porridge warm..

The rest is history - Halleluyah!!

diluminati: cyrexx please keep it coming . olaadegbu get out with your dry jokes

Na wa oh! Where your own jokes come dey na? I actually find Olaadegbu's jokes funny

Mr_Anony:
Na wa oh! Where your own jokes come dey na? I actually find Olaadegbu's jokes funny

Gerrout....Olaadegbu's jokes are dry

MacDaddy01:
Gerrout....Olaadegbu's jokes are dry

Lol, If it is not my "tolerant" friend logicboy voicing his opinion.
...Talking about opinions, the dryness/wetness of a joke is only a matter of opinion and nothing more.
Thanks for telling us how you feel.

Mr_Anony:
Lol, If it is not my "tolerant" friend logicboy voicing his opinion.
...Talking about opinions, the dryness/wetness of a joke is only a matter of opinion and nothing more.
Thanks for telling us how you feel.

2 opinions more consensus than one



Why dont you like me, anony?

MacDaddy01:

2 opinions more consensus than one



Why dont you like me, anony?

Erhm......consensus doesn't automatically equal correct.

Actually, contrary to what you may think, I really do like you.

diluminati:

cyrexx please keep it coming . olaadegbu get out with your dry jokes

Is your sense of humour that dry?

Mr_Anony:

Na wa oh! Where your own jokes come dey na? I actually find Olaadegbu's jokes funny

Na real wa for her. See as she dey shed crocodile tears.

MacDaddy01:

Gerrout....Olaadegbu's jokes are dry

Was it because I mentioned the name of Jesus? Let's see whether you can crack this one:

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

"Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, switched his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself to take a break after the next big score, then flicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, as clear as a bell he heard the words:

"Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you just say that?"

He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes,"

the parrot confessed, then squawked,

"I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses,"

Replied the bird.

"Moses?"

the burglar laughed.

"What kind of silly people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered:

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!

Alright guys check this one out.

The long awaited rapture which was scheduled to commence on the 20st of August 2012 has been postponed due to late arrival of the materials required to rapture the saints.

The chairman of the rapture committee said in a news interview with BBC that the delay in the materials was to ensure a credible free and fair rapture.

He also apologized for any inconveniences the adjournment may have caused. Finally, he assured the public that a new rapture date would be announced later.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,

"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offence," said the judge.

"How early were you doing the shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the defendant.

CrazyMan: Alright guys check this one out.

The long awaited rapture which was scheduled to commence on the 20st of August 2012 has been postponed due to late arrival of the materials required to rapture the saints.

The chairman of the rapture committee said in a news interview with BBC that the delay in the materials was to ensure a credible free and fair rapture.

He also apologized for any inconveniences the adjournment may have caused. Finally, he assured the public that a new rapture date would be announced later.

Where's the punchline?

Mr_Anony:
Where's the punchline?

i believe the punchline is that religion has way of shifting goal post to make it appear valid even when it has been soundly invalidated and proven wrong.

its funny, especially to the non-religious.

cyrexx:
i believe the punchline is that religion has way of shifting goal post to make it appear valid even when it has been soundly invalidated and proven wrong.

its funny, especially to the non-religious.

Exactly

Jesus Saves

Jesus and satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest, with God, the Father as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity (UP NEPA!). Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks satan to show what he has come up with. satan is visibly upset, and cries,

"I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God,

"let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. satan is astonished.

"B-b-but how?"

he stutters.

"I lost everything, yet Jesus' programme is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles.

"Everybody knows that. Jesus saves."

Lets unwind with some question and answers from the Bible.


Here we go:

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before?

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible?
A. Bildad the shuhite (shoe height)
A. Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah!)
A. The man who fell asleep in his watch.

Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh

^^^
Why good sir, I think it's safe to say the internets is securely yours.

what do a midget and an atheist have in common ? they are always coming up short

obadiah777: what do a midget and an atheist have in common ? they are always coming up short

Where is the yoke?

mkmyers45:

Where is the yoke?

in the middle of the egg that would be yolk

obadiah777: in the middle of the egg that would be yolk

I'll admit it's funny to me when I switch the word atheist with judeochristian

wiegraf:

I'll admit it's funny to me when I switch the word atheist with judeochristian

what is judeochristian ? yall people kill me with all these stupid names

obadiah777: what is judeochristian ? yall people kill me with all these stupid names

lol

obadiah777: what is judeochristian ? yall people kill me with all these stupid names

They aren't stupid, its about being precise. A lot of failure comes from miscommunication, two people saying the same thing end up fighting all the time, or a project fails etc. Anti-intellectuality is rather silly btw, for many other reasons. Judeochristian is popular term anyways. I could use abrahamic but that could include the bahai and others, who aren't as misguided imo. Ditto religious. It would be more accurate for me to say judeochristian and muslim though. This is all off topic

wiegraf:

They aren't stupid, its about being precise. A lot of failure comes from miscommunication, two people saying the same thing end up fighting all the time, or a project fails etc. Anti-intellectuality is rather silly btw, for many other reasons. Judeochristian is popular term anyways. I could use abrahamic but that could include the bahai and others, who aren't as misguided imo. Ditto religious. It would be more accurate for me to say judeochristian and muslim though. This is all off topic

sounds to me like yall are trying to sound and be more intelligent than you are with all these self aggrandizement pseudo-labels. whatever happened to 'just being a man who believes in God' and a 'heathen' ? what is it ? the name 'heathen' is not good enough for yall ?

obadiah777: sounds to me like yall are trying to sound and be more intelligent than you are with all these self aggrandizement pseudo-labels. whatever happened to 'just being a man who believes in God' and a 'heathen' ? what is it ? the name 'heathen' is not good enough for yall ?

As I've already stated, there are various types of people who believe in god(s). The world isn't made up of just christians, jew, muslims and skeptics. You do know that, I hope? I don't think all are as misguided as judeochristians/muslims

I don't mind being a heathen, apostate etc. Why should I? knock yourself out. I don't think you're a heathen, so why should I use the word?

Or, is this a joke?

wiegraf:

As I've already stated, there are various types of people who believe in god(s). The world isn't made up of just christians, jew, muslims and skeptics. You do know that, I hope? I don't think all are as misguided as judeochristians/muslims

I don't mind being a heathen, apostate etc. Why should I? knock yourself out. I don't think you're a heathen, so why should I use the word?

Or, is this a joke?

dont trip over yourself trying to sound intelligent with all that mumbo jumbo you regurgitated up there. you are either a heathen or you are not. its black or white. no shades of grey when it comes to God.

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands shoot into the air. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"So,"

asks the teacher,

"what are you?"

"A Christian"

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she thinks she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mum is a Christian and, my dad is a Christian, I also accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and I know I'm a Christian."

The teacher is visibly angry now.

"That's no reason,"

she says loudly,

"What if your mum had been a mo-ron and, your dad had been a mo-ron. What would that make you then?"

After a pause, and a smile.

"Then,"

says Lucy,

"that would make me an atheist."

obadiah777: dont trip over yourself trying to sound intelligent with all that mumbo jumbo you regurgitated up there. you are either a heathen or you are not. its black or white. no shades of grey when it comes to God.

.....

OLAADEGBU: A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands shoot into the air. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"So,"

asks the teacher,

"what are you?"

"A Christian"

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she thinks she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mum is a Christian and, my dad is a Christian, I also accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and I know I'm a Christian."

The teacher is visibly angry now.

"That's no reason,"

she says loudly,

"What if your mum had been a mo-ron and, your dad had been a mo-ron. What would that make you then?"

After a pause, and a smile.

"Then,"

says Lucy,

"that would make me an atheist."

This just shows the girl's parents are morons. Teaching such falsities to a little girl.

Funny by the way.

OLAADEGBU: A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands shoot into the air. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"So,"

asks the teacher,

"what are you?"

"A Christian"

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she thinks she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mum is a Christian and, my dad is a Christian, I also accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and I know I'm a Christian."

The teacher is visibly angry now.

"That's no reason,"

she says loudly,

"What if your mum had been a mo-ron and, your dad had been a mo-ron. What would that make you then?"

After a pause, and a smile.

"Then,"

says Lucy,

"that would make me an atheist."

lol
i love this if that is what makes atheist