proudlyafrican: @OP i have had similar experience which i posted here on NL sometime last year though not with the handle i am using right now.I dealt with the situation by taking the issue to her parents,unfortunately her parents never saw anything wrong in what she did and it almost crashed the marriage because we separated for months.After few months of separation neighbors thought i have been appointed the chairman of the ruling political party as her friends and other well wishers trooped to my house on a daily basis to plead with me to rescind my decision.I had to oblige their request after 6 months because of the welfare and health of the children which at this time was fast deteriorating.In my case even though she refused to admit her mistake;the communication between she and her Ex came to an abrupt end.Right now i have a post in the family section "He is divorcing his wife". where i am seeking for advice on how best to take care of the welfare of the kids.Mine is a failed marriage as far as i am concerned.

I hate to say this to you but you did not do the right thing yourself.

obowunmi: This is a matter of respect. Has nothing to do with trust. Respect your husband, don't contact your ex.

Husband should respect the wife as well. . . she is an adult and has a right to make friends with anyone she chooses. He needs to also respect that no matter how paranoid he may be of this. You don't, because of your personal fears, try to IMPOSE Your ways on another. Chances are high that that act will fail, cause no human being(male/female) wants to be disrespect or made to feel like an eejit in that way.

contd, on my trust issue, because she so much trusted me all these while, i also want to get a level where i can trust her so much too. Her trusting me gives me some confidence, i need her to have some confidence. But that aside, the issue of comunicating with an Ex is what i dont like, its nt healthy, & dats why i left all my Exes to enjoy their homes, rather giving them old memories. thks God she now understand with me. We are working on d healing process now. Thk u all & God bless.

Kobojunkie:

I hate to say this to you but you did not do the right thing yourself. You don't go around giving an adult an ultimatum, whether you are married to em or not, just because said adult is talking to someone that you are uncomfortable with. That is a sign that you don't respect that adult. I mean would you, sitting here, tell me that you can tell your best friend(male I presume) that if he continues to talk to, say another gal or guy, that you will no longer be his friend? That is childish and insulting.

If you want respect, learn to give it first.

I think you are very hasty in judging me which does not really border me.My friend most marital problems requires drastic and punitive measures to save the marriage,i don`t care about your holier than thou attitude here.

proudlyafrican: [b][/b]

I think you are very hasty in judging me which does not really border me.My friend most marital problems requires drastic and punitive measures to save the marriage,i don`t care about your holier than thou attitude here.

Dude I am not judging you, simply saying that it is disrespectful to give an adult, who is supposed to be your equal, an ultimatum simply on grounds that this person chooses to talk to someone YOU are not comfortable with. You can tell the person you don't like it and let that person decide from there but to want to FORCE that person . . that is disrespectful.

All we need to sometimes is remember the ridiculous things we did as kids. Telling someone you will leave em or divorce em if they do not do what you want is really an admission that the love/relationship is conditioned upon the other person OBEYING you and not necessarily something bigger than you. It hurts to be in that kind of situation.

Kobojunkie:

Husband should respect the wife as well. . . she is an adult and has a right to make friends with anyone she chooses. He needs to also respect that no matter how paranoid he may be of this. You don't, because of your personal fears, try to IMPOSE Your ways on another. Chances are high that that act will fail, cause no human being(male/female) wants to be disrespect or made to feel like an eejit in that way.

Americana Kobo, pls think of this in the African context. Let her make other friends, not friendships with exes.

obowunmi:

Americana Kobo, pls think of this in the African context. Let her make other friends, not friendships with exes.

There is nothing African about the relationship between two adults. An African man has the same body parts as an American man. An African woman has the same body parts as an American woman. They all have brains alike . . so I see no reason why people continue to create different standards in their minds for what should be expected when dealing with their fellow human beings.

An ex is still a human being . . and just because I AM INSECURE with my exes, that does not then give me the right to IMPOSE/FORCE/GIVE ULTIMATUMS to others around me. MY decisions should not be driven by my fears and insecurities. I should know better.

Every one knows not to be friends with ex coz there is a reason yol broke up in the first place. I would say talk to your woman and explain to her how you feel coz they might end up being close again even if she will say it's all innocent

@ Kobo, When you are married, I hope your husband enjoys private moments with his exes. Calls them, takes them out to dinner and reminisces about the great times they once shared....to show your confidence, make sure you leave them home alone while you go handle your business.

Goodluck!

Kobojunkie:

Dude I am not judging you, simply saying that it is disrespectful to give an adult, who is supposed to be your equal, an ultimatum simply on grounds that this person chooses to talk to someone YOU are not comfortable with. You can tell the person you don't like it and let that person decide from there but to want to FORCE that person . . that is disrespectful.

I understand where you are coming from and where you are going,if you read my post you will realize that i said i went to her parents to discuss the issue but they just refused to reason with me.Did i just jump to her parents to complain? "No". I talked with her but my talks with her for a change was yielding no positive fruit.I don`t want to go into details,we have had an altercation about her Ex in 2007 where i told her about my displeasure and our separation happened in 2011,so you can see how long i have tolerated her action as an adult that you claim she is.My case is worst than the case of the OP which is just the fact that his wife is talking with her Ex,mine got to the point of she not only talking with her Ex but pinging,chatting on yahoo,receiving calls on skype and to the extent of sending her pics to him on a daily basis.Bro! WTF.

proudlyafrican: [b][/b]

I understand where you are coming from and where you are going,if you read my post you will realize that i said i went to her parents to discuss the issue but they just refused to reason with me.Did i just jump to her parents to complain? "No". I talked with her but my talks with her for a change was yielding no positive fruit.I don`t want to go into details,we have had an altercation about her Ex in 2007 where i told her about my displeasure and our separation happened in 2011,so you can see how long i have tolerated her action as an adult that you claim she is.My case is worst than the case of the OP which is just the fact that his wife is talking with her Ex,mine got to the point of she not only talking with her Ex but pinging,chatting on yahoo,receiving calls on skype and to the extent of sending her pics to him on a daily basis.Bro! WTF.

Sorry bra. Please talk to your wife. I know i would kill someone if my spouse was busy with exes and not even hiding it

Hmmmm...

I am really heartened by some of the responses on this thread. Particularly from some of the women. So succinctly put by Missy B. Nailed. Kudos also to JK and CC. Efemena XY, I really appreciated the humble way reconsidered your position.

Kobojunkie pray tell, are you married? I'd really like to hear your thoughts on the commitment and sacrifice that is attendant to the matrimonial union. The most generous I can be is to say you sound very very naive.

The marriage commitment brings with it rights and responsibilities, an unusually high degree of commitment and sacrifice if required. If the presence of a third party is causing insecurity in a union, if an ultimatum is what it takes to nuke that threat, then it is worth it. It can even be a blood relative, let alone some random stranger.

No matter how trivial or baseless the concern of one spouse may seem, it should be taken seriously by the other. If he is indeed insecure, then it's part of her wifely remit to not only assuage that insecurity, but also take measures to bolster his confidence. Like someone said, it's long term. Shedding what is at best a dubiously motivated relationship is the very least that should be done. And no, it's not disrespectful to ask her to do so.

Your example of telling a best friend to stop communicating with someone else is a misapplication. Whatever "behind the refectory during break" vow you made to be besties, is nothing near or like the marriage covenant. I'll give you a better one. You are performing at a E level, your boss says make it D or above before year-end or you are out, is that not an ultimatum? Is it disrespectful? Will you ignore it?

The marital union is "one flesh". Can poison for the head be beneficial to the neck? Can what is good for the hand be bad for the feet? This PC/human rights based view of marriage is a complete fallacy and will shipwreck many.


@OP, you and your wife have come far. Please continue to strive together. Your current situation is not the best and your wife' attitude is somewhat innocent. I don't want to hazard a guess at the genesis of your relationship or it's dynamic, but work on this with her. Build the communication and the trust even more and when you are past this, please don't revisit it in anger.

We know contextually what currently obtains in Nigeria as far as relationships go. The "how many BF' should a girl have" thread does not even scratch the surface. The indigenous culture is fast becoming shot and relationships of all types and on all levels seriously impaired. It appears that one is either predator or prey, maga or mugu. Who in that situation and in their right mind - wouldn't walk around on full alert to any perceived or imagined threat to their marital home? There are very few that cultivate relationships for purely altruistic reasons these days.

Best
TV

proudlyafrican: [b][/b]

I understand where you are coming from and where you are going,if you read my post you will realize that i said i went to her parents to discuss the issue but they just refused to reason with me.Did i just jump to her parents to complain? "No". I talked with her but my talks with her for a change was yielding no positive fruit.I don`t want to go into details,we have had an altercation about her Ex in 2007 where i told her about my displeasure and our separation happened in 2011,so you can see how long i have tolerated her action as an adult that you claim she is.My case is worst than the case of the OP which is just the fact that his wife is talking with her Ex,mine got to the point of she not only talking with her Ex but pinging,chatting on yahoo,receiving calls on skype and to the extent of sending her pics to him on a daily basis.Bro! WTF.

Like I said, I am not trying in anyway to judge your case at all. And honestly, I don't even know if your divorce has all to do with her talking to her ex or not. All I am saying is that in marriages people need to realize that they are not only married to their EQUAL(an adult who had different experiences but also a different approach to dealing with things and life) whose ways needs to be respected as well, but they are also not allowed to IMPOSE/FORCE their way on the second person. You do not give an ultimatum to anyone who is an adult, unless that person OWES you or works for you. I mean if a marriage feels like a job then there is something wrong . . . no one wants to be married to someone who could fire them any day if they mess up or do something that person has private issues with.

And to add, there shouldn't really be a CUT-OFF date for how long one is willing to tolerate the choices of a partner as long as said choices do not directly or indirectly breach the marriage contract signed. As far as I know it, there is nothing in the marriage contract that bars a woman, or man from talking to an ex -- Even the Bible does not list any requirement that the married should no longer talk to their exes.

@poster
Not been able to read through everyones reaction to your post and I won't be here trynna tell you what you want to hear,I'd advise you probe further or give her an ultimatum to stop any further contact with her ex or simply let her go.
I'm going to make you see why because I am presently experiencing same though from the angle of the ex in question.
I've got this ex who was my first flame from same place with our houses opposite each other.broke up with this babe 3 yrs before I travelled without her knowledge.when she got to Know I was no longer in nigeria and got hold of my number like 6 yrs after she woulldnt stop bothering me and reminding me of all the good times toogether and all what nots.even after telling her I was married with kids she wouldn't relent even as she was married herself with kids.she would always tell me her marriage was one of convenience that I'm her true love she always see me in her dreams.
I went as far as warning her to stop her in her tracks by threatening to change my number if she would not respect her marriage and mine but she wouldn't be dissuaded and I had to change my tel. Number and we were out of touch for about 2 yrs until she found me out on fb.
Meanwhile within those years she coulldnt reach me she was constantly pestering my parents for my number which my parents refused to share based on my instruction that they haven't heard from me in a while and she capitalized on this to start instigating my paarents against my marriage that the woman I am married to is evil and is turning me away from them and would eventually kill me according to revelations from God.
You won't believe what this woman would tell me about her husband,how desperate she wants a voice contaact with me and all sorts.
When I showed my wife her messgges to me she was like wtf poor guy wouuld think he has a wife.
She just lost her mom and dats like another opportunity to want to see me by pleading with me to make sure I come whicch I am passing on.
Not to bore you. With my gist but please know that things could be happening without you knowing if for nothingg but for the fact thaat theses ones are frrom same village and still in contact and also father charles' law that once banged can always be rebanged as long as its in the mind of the bangee and the bangor.
My 2 piece

@poster
Not been able to read through everyones reaction to your post and I won't be here trynna tell you what you want to hear,I'd advise you probe further or give her an ultimatum to stop any further contact with her ex or simply let her go.
I'm going to make you see why because I am presently experiencing same though from the angle of the ex in question.
I've got this ex who was my first flame from same place with our houses opposite each other.broke up with this babe 3 yrs before I travelled without her knowledge.when she got to Know I was no longer in nigeria and got hold of my number like 6 yrs after she woulldnt stop bothering me and reminding me of all the good times toogether and all what nots.even after telling her I was married with kids she wouldn't relent even as she was married herself with kids.she would always tell me her marriage was one of convenience that I'm her true love she always see me in her dreams.
I went as far as warning her to stop her in her tracks by threatening to change my number if she would not respect her marriage and mine but she wouldn't be dissuaded and I had to change my tel. Number and we were out of touch for about 2 yrs until she found me out on fb.
Meanwhile within those years she coulldnt reach me she was constantly pestering my parents for my number which my parents refused to share based on my instruction that they haven't heard from me in a while and she capitalized on this to start instigating my paarents against my marriage that the woman I am married to is evil and is turning me away from them and would eventually kill me according to revelations from God.
You won't believe what this woman would tell me about her husband,how desperate she wants a voice contaact with me and all sorts.
When I showed my wife her messgges to me she was like wtf poor guy wouuld think he has a wife.
She just lost her mom and dats like another opportunity to want to see me by pleading with me to make sure I come whicch I am passing on.
Not to bore you. With my gist but please know that things could be happening without you knowing if for nothingg but for the fact thaat theses ones are frrom same village and still in contact and also father charles' law that once banged can always be rebanged as long as its in the mind of the bangee and the bangor.
My 2 piece

@poster
Not been able to read through everyones reaction to your post and I won't be here trynna tell you what you want to hear,I'd advise you probe further or give her an ultimatum to stop any further contact with her ex or simply let her go.
I'm going to make you see why because I am presently experiencing same though from the angle of the ex in question.
I've got this ex who was my first flame from same place with our houses opposite each other.broke up with this babe 3 yrs before I travelled without her knowledge.when she got to Know I was no longer in nigeria and got hold of my number like 6 yrs after she woulldnt stop bothering me and reminding me of all the good times toogether and all what nots.even after telling her I was married with kids she wouldn't relent even as she was married herself with kids.she would always tell me her marriage was one of convenience that I'm her true love she always see me in her dreams.
I went as far as warning her to stop her in her tracks by threatening to change my number if she would not respect her marriage and mine but she wouldn't be dissuaded and I had to change my tel. Number and we were out of touch for about 2 yrs until she found me out on fb.
Meanwhile within those years she coulldnt reach me she was constantly pestering my parents for my number which my parents refused to share based on my instruction that they haven't heard from me in a while and she capitalized on this to start instigating my paarents against my marriage that the woman I am married to is evil and is turning me away from them and would eventually kill me according to revelations from God.
You won't believe what this woman would tell me about her husband,how desperate she wants a voice contaact with me and all sorts.
When I showed my wife her messgges to me she was like wtf poor guy wouuld think he has a wife.
She just lost her mom and dats like another opportunity to want to see me by pleading with me to make sure I come whicch I am passing on.
Not to bore you. With my gist but please know that things could be happening without you knowing if for nothingg but for the fact thaat theses ones are frrom same village and still in contact and also father charles' law that once banged can always be rebanged as long as its in the mind of the bangee and the bangor.
My 2 piece

Father charles' law that once banged can always be rebanged as long as its in the mind of the bangee and the bangor.


LoooooooooooooooooL

This is simple whether insecurities are involved or not......Poster, you don't want your wife to talk to her ex "ever" again, tell her and stop insinuating things that are not there, I know myself and trust that, no matter what the "ex" has changed himself to, i respect my hubby and respect my son to the extent of not letting anyone bribe me with "london documents" to sleep with him or her.

We have a woman on this thread, whose present husband housed her ex, when he was really ill, and she was taking care of the ex, and am sure the hubby for no reason thought that the wife is/was having an affair with the ex.

You said it yourself that they broke up on a very bad term, and should not expect your wife in her right senses to decend so low, into having an affair with him...when you trust someone, you let them make decisions themeselves and see where the decision takes them.

I feel you do not trust her one bit and that is why his wishing her a happy birthday has turned so sour in your stomach....but you know her better, hence your apprehension.

Oops triple post so sorry posted from a hand held device.
@kobojunkie
Please try to be objective my man and stop trying to seem like a 'woman right defender'that you are not.
We all know you are a dude with a female moniker.please cut the op and whoever some slack brada.

gaby: Oops triple post so sorry posted from a hand held device.
@kobojunkie
Please try to be objective my man and stop trying to seem like a 'woman right defender'that you are not.
We all know you are a dude with a female moniker.please cut the op and whoever some slack brada.

Actually what is non objective about what I have said so far? Is it the part that requires you DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WILL LIKE THEM TO DO TO YOU /Treat your woman as your Equal, as an ADULT LIKE YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED, or the part where I suggest that IF YOU NEED RESPECT YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE IT FIRST?

bjcole: My wife knows quite well that i dont appreciate her contacts with her EXs, because this created a lots of problem before we got married, that she had to give her old line to her sister, to stop the mess. But to my amazement, after 6yrs of marriage, her main ex, which they dated for over 7yrs( he wasnt the one causing problem, because the parted in bad faith, i thought she wouldnt even say hello to him if she sees him) has been calling hreeer. The guy even came to her house, when her mum died to greet her and told her of his travelling to london. They have been talking since the guy got to London, and the guy calls on her birthday( she told me, though i dont think thats all).

The question is cant the sleeping dog lies for God sake. I have all a lots of exs, i dont call them, not to talk of even remembering their birthday. She parted with the guy like 8yrs ago, 3 yrs before we got married, so whats the remembrance or link for God sake.Though they are both from the same town and they see each other sometimes i guess.
My fear is this, my wife usually travels to her home town from our base in Portharcourt, every long holiday, to stay with her family for like 2months, since we got married like 5yrs ago. I guess they have been seeing, only God knows what could have happenned. I dont know if this is tribal, i am a yoruba too, but why do yoruba girls behave like this.I am pissed with her men, she just bleeped our marriage up

there is nothing like talking things over a hot cocoa... talk to her abt her actions and the pains it is causing you and bear youtr mind on very single detail of it ...

@TV101, correct! I see Sir Richy de Nairaland is here as well.

Kobojunkie:

Like I said, I am not trying in anyway to judge your case at all. And honestly, I don't even know if your divorce has all to do with her talking to her ex or not. All I am saying is that in marriages people need to realize that they are not only married to their EQUAL(an adult who had different experiences but also a different approach to dealing with things and life) whose ways needs to be respected as well, but they are also not allowed to IMPOSE/FORCE their way on the second person. You do not give an ultimatum to anyone who is an adult, unless that person OWES you or works for you. I mean if a marriage feels like a job then there is something wrong . . . no one wants to be married to someone who could fire them any day if they mess up or do something that person has private issues with.

And to add, there shouldn't really be a CUT-OFF date for how long one is willing to tolerate the choices of a partner as long as said choices do not directly or indirectly breach the marriage contract signed. As far as I know it, there is nothing in the marriage contract that bars a woman, or man from talking to an ex -- Even the Bible does not list any requirement that the married should no longer talk to their exes.

Did you read what the guy wrote at all, before writing all this talk about Adult blah blah. An adult should act like one, its something that does not come with age or being a wife. As an adult you should be able to make sound decisions without someone monitoring you. If you do that, then there will be no talk of anyone talking down on you or giving you ultimatums.

He discussed with his wife at length, met with her parents to solicit their help, yet she continues to communicate with her ex on all levels. Pray what do you expect the husband do? has she shown any sign of being a responsible adult or do you suggest the husband waits untill she invites her ex to their home and cook for the him.

babyzze:

Did you read what the guy wrote at all, before writing all this talk about Adult blah blah. An adult should act like one, its something that does not come with age or being a wife. As an adult should be able to make sound decisions without someone monitoring you. If you do that, then they will be no talk of anyone talking down on you or giving you ultimatums.

He discussed with his wife at length, met with her parents to solicit their help, Yet she continues to communicate with her ex on all levels. Pray what do you expect the husband do, has she shown any sign of being a responsible adult or do you suggest the husband waits untill she invites him to their home and cook for the ex.

Did you read my post at all? I said, and made it clear that I was not here to discuss HIS issues but I was focused on the issue that is being discussed here, which is the choice an Adult has to talk to whomever he or she wants.

Look, if you want to advice him personally, go right ahead. But do not pretend you can throw my argument down so you can make your inane comments. What I said does not change, regardless of the circumstances. YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TRY TO FORCE YOUR WILL AND YOUR INSECURITIES ON OTHERS .. . EVEN THOSE YOU ARE MARRIED TO.

Only a fool argues with Kobo.

obowunmi: Only a fool argues with Kobo.

Truely said.

She/He is just a classical example of a nag. An online nag.

chaircover:

Thank you jenny

I feel very strongly about this because I know how i will feel if I found out that my husband was still in contact with his ex [/b]behind or even infront of my back LOL[b]. Its got nothing to do with insecurity. It is to do with respect. It makes it even worse that the husband has voiced his displeasure on the contact but the lady still does it.

if my husband wakes up one morning and says that he doesn't want me on NL because of the male attention, perceived or otherwise, if i am unable to convince him and make him see my point without forcing him, wont I just pack my bag jeje and go to dollarland where there are no men is my home not more important than NL?

People tend to forget that marriage a long haul and we will be there for so many years. There are also a lot of other things intertwined in it. She may not be having an affair with the ex and have no intention of doing that, but it leaves a mark on the marriage and if when in 3 years time she finds herself in another situation with her husband he will find it easier to refer back to this and base his decision on what is happening now. You think that if the wife approaches her hubby and says that she wants to go to London for business,even if she had noble intentions) he will let her go? She is only making a rod for her own back for the future.

If the EX was such an EX-pert, then why am I not wearing his ring and with his baby on my back

Aunty CC don come again. which one be front of my back kwanu?

Kobojunkie:
Look, if you want to advice him personally, go right ahead. But do not pretend you can throw my argument down so you can make your inane comments. What I said does not change, regardless of the circumstances. YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TRY TO FORCE YOUR WILL AND YOUR INSECURITIES ON OTHERS .. . EVEN THOSE YOU ARE MARRIED TO.

arrant nonsense!
so even if the person he's married to is behaving like an animal, the husband has no right to correct her? where do people get their warped philosophies from? his wife is talking to her ex for goodness sake - do dogs associate with cats? any married woman who prefers speaking to her ex against her husband's wish is a whore or an aspiring hoodrat! how many women would feel comfortable with their husbands chit-chatting with their exes??

i trust my wifey - dem no born am well!

I agree OP has insecurities

I also agree OP's insecurities are further fueled by the lack of a job

I further agree that the wife is WRONG! for doing this

OP, i want to ask a question. How long have you been out of work and how is your family managing? Has it been really tough for you guys? Why i ask is because wifey may be trying her best to help out in the family. She sees you cannot get paid employment fast enough, and in her mind is desperate for help. No matter where the help comes from. I think you should try to calm down and invite the Ex to the house. Let him know in a respectable way, without making yourself look foolish, that you appreciate his help. But you are not comfortable with this closeness, and as a man you hope he understands. If he is helping, he should be helping as a brother, and not because he wants something back. If he has a wife, invite them as a couple. Goodluck.

2mch: I agree OP has insecurities

I also agree OP's insecurities are further fueled by the lack of a job

I further agree that the wife is WRONG! for doing this

OP, i want to ask a question. How long have you been out of work and how is your family managing? Has it been really tough for you guys? Why i ask is because wifey may be trying her best to help out in the family. She sees you cannot get paid employment fast enough, and in her mind is desperate for help. No matter where the help comes from. I think you should try to calm down and invite the Ex to the house. Let him know in a respectable way, without making yourself look foolish, that you appreciate his help. But you are not comfortable with this closeness, and as a man you hope he understands. If he is helping, he should be helping as a brother, and not because he wants something back. If he has a wife, invite them as a couple. Goodluck.

pass me the sick bucket!!

lol naija man not wanting something back hehe
its like saying Nigerian politician not wanting to benefit from some largess

Siena:
This woman is in the wrong, even a blind, m[i]o[/i]ronic Silverback Gorilla can spot the issues here.

What about a crazed femi- nazi?