Hi all,
I'm new to this forum. I actually have been a lurker for nearly a year, and have been very entertained by the characters posting comments. Anyway, like most oyibo I went looking for info on Nigerian life, culture, family dynamics, etc after marrying a yoruba man. One thing I haven't found, and that which I'm hoping all you NL can shed some light on is stories on how you blended American and Nigerian families if you or your spouse had children prior to marrying each other. I have conch American children thru and thru. They are well mannered and fairly disciplined because they have been raised in the South where we still say "yes, ma'am", "yes, sir" to our elders, and live a pretty conservative, family oriented life. Even with that background, I sometimes feel my husband is judging me harshly as a parent because they can get mouthy at times (it doesn't go unadressed though) and I still have to tell them to wash dishes, clean up, etc. They are older kids. But I guess the difference is that in his culture children know their roles from early on, and are taught to take over running the home (in terms of house keeping and cooking) whereas here the parents do a great deal of work, but may assign chores. So as I try to adopt more of his parenting style (which to me does make sense), there is a lot of push back from my older child in particular although both are balking. So any shared experiences and advice would be welcome. Sorry so long...thanks!

I firstly congratulate you for marrying a good Yoruba and a Nigeria guy, i know and assure you that you will see the different between Nigerian and White/Black American guys, i am talking from experience, and i want you to count your self lucky to find a good man that is trying to be involve in your children life and making sure they live a well mannered life, my dear i must tell you most men will not even say anything even if they are doing something bad, but you should always appreciate him for judging you, and his is a man of the house, since is not beating them, or raising voice at them, let him impact a good knowledge onto their life, that is what i love most in marrying a yoruba man too, I am an American and i have marry my husband for almost 10 years now, and he has impacted a lot of good things onto my childrens life, although we only have one child together and i have 2 also from my previus marriage and he is the best man in the world and i have never take that for granted.

^That's quite an endorsement.

OP, your post has maturity and wisdom written all over it. I am sure you will figure a way out. I wish you the best.

Wow,dats great,but as much as possible let dem learn both languages,cultures n dress sense i.e ur language and ur husbands language and dey must be able to speak it fluently and of course pidgin english.good luck and cheers

kulyie: Wow,dats great,but as much as possible let dem learn both languages,cultures n dress sense i.e ur language and ur husbands language and dey must be able to speak it fluently and of course pidgin english.good luck and cheers

Whilst I agree that her kids learning about her husband's culture, language etc. and vice versa is a good thing, I wouldn't say it's a must. You get?

In this kind of situation, the step-parent should be friends with the kids such that the kids will cherish the relationship enough to want to learn from and associate with the step-parent in many ways without losing their distinct identity.

I am happy that you and your husband have what appears to be a wonderful family. Exactly how old are your children? I am asking because I don't think it's fair to expect older kids to accept a new parenting style without resistance. They have grown up with certain expectations; changing those expectations mid-way is not fair and might be a recipe for creating rebellious teenage monsters.

In addition, I always caution Nigerian parents against trying to raise their American kids the way they were raised in 1960s Nigeria. It never works! Your kids are not growing up in a complete vacuum. Whether you like it or not, they are part of a larger American culture and they take many clues from outside the family through their social interactions in school/church/Walmart etc. The best parenting style will be a hybrid of both cultures (and it is up to the parents to find the best interpretation of that hybrid). Don't force or expect your kids to behave exactly like kids raised in Nigeria (it will never happen unless you send them back to Nigeria for many years).

Focus on imparting good universal values that your kids will find useful for the rest of their lives anywhere in the world; values like faithfulness, hard word, integrity, love, respect for authority and elders, sexual purity, forgiveness, humility, fairness etc. Those are the values that will make them successful, thriving adults and these values are cherished in almost every culture on this planet.

PS - I am a full-blooded Yoruba man, born and raised in Nigeria (I am telling you this so you you don't accuse me of giving you "American" advice).

Thank u for your responses. I'm glad to have this forum for its varying perspectives.

@ Phil.adeboye
I am lucky to have found love a second time. Many are still waiting for their first. My husband is a very good man, and extremely hard working which can be found in any culture I'm sure. He has a love for his stepchildren and a deep concern for their well being -mind you they are easy to love...most of the time. They are also extremely close to their biological father who remains a huge part of their lives. My main concern is that it is hard enough to blend stepfamilies as it is without the very varied cultural difference. It has led to some culture shock as it were.

@ Kulyie
They are picking up a few Yoruba phrases here and there. Since their whole life has been speaking English I don't see them becoming fluent unless they become immersed in it. We've introduced them to Yoruba food, which getting better at making daily. They love egusi and eba as well as this black eye pea type soup I can't remember the name of. Yoruba cooking is very similar to southern, especially Georgia cooking. I don't forsee them wearing traditional clothes except around the house. They look at me crazy if I wear something "native". They've been exposed to many cultures but its different when its in your own home, and life as you know it is somewhat changing.

@maclatunji
I think you've captured what my husband is trying to do exactly [you're not him are you,lol]. He wants a valued relationship and friendship, but he also sometimes wants me to parent American kids Naija style...which in many cases is good advice, but there are times when therein lies the conflict.

@braveheart 2012
One is a teenager and the other is a preteen. Kinda too old to be flipping the script on them. You have described exactly how he wants to raise them, and any children we may have together - Naija circa 1960s right down to the kneeling when greeting (although the kneeling part is for any children we may have together, not these two). I don't see that as practical over here, but he insists that he knows of many "responsible" parents that will make their children kneel-- even over here. I don't see how it will work having one set of kids doing one thing and another set doing something completely different. I figure that with patience, and given time he will loosen up his parenting style.
How common is that in these types of situations?

Well I'm going to give you my "American" advice. It is very unlikely your new husband will ever get comfortable with the behavior of your children. I don't know how old they are, but if they are teenagers, continue to ask them to show him respect and try to keep the peace. If not, they may run to their biological father or tell someone at school that they are being mistreated. When our grandparents were children (black and white), you couldn't back talk or look at an adult in the eye. The lightest punishment would have been spit in your eye, with the worst being beaten with a 'switch'. Even when I was a child, corporal punishment was still in effect for being disrespectful to your elders. Those days are gone. Spanking is barely accepted now. Our children are encouraged to stand up for themselves and negotiate with their parents for more freedom. They are taught from birth to think freely, demand fairness, and express themselves. Please be very careful. If you live in the Southeast, you know how easily your husband can get in trouble. Many of your friends and family will not only ostracize you for being a white woman (I assume) with a black man, but things will be even worse because you allowed an "African" to make your children feel unwelcome in their own home. Please talk with your husband and explain the book laws and the unspoken ones. You have to pray and become a peacemaker as best you can. If not, this may be the undoing of you and your husband. Please don't take offense to all I have written.

p.s. you have to have to be in the carolinas with a name like GRITS lol!!

SewaG.R.I.T.S:
@braveheart 2012
One is a teenager and the other is a preteen. Kinda too old to be flipping the script on them. You have described exactly how he wants to raise them, and any children we may have together - Naija circa 1960s right down to the kneeling when greeting (although the kneeling part is for any children we may have together, not these two). I don't see that as practical over here, but he insists that he knows of many "responsible" parents that will make their children kneel-- even over here. I don't see how it will work having one set of kids doing one thing and another set doing something completely different. I figure that with patience, and given time he will loosen up his parenting style.
How common is that in these types of situations?

For some reason, I had assumed that both of you were in agreement about how to raise the older kids. If you don't agree with the 1960s style of child-raising, then gently but firmly let your husband know. This is a conversation that both of you should settle first in private because you want to present a unified front to the kids. These situations are common in inter-cultural marriages; you both should have had these conversations before marriage. Now that you're married, you should both work this out as husband and wife. Good luck!

SewaG.R.I.T.S:
@maclatunji
I think you've captured what my husband is trying to do exactly [you're not him are you,lol]. He wants a valued relationship and friendship, but he also sometimes wants me to parent American kids Naija style...which in many cases is good advice, but there are times when therein lies the conflict.

LOL! For the record madam, I am not your husband. Don't worry too much about your husband insisting on some things like kneeling. Any kids you have together will handle it themselves (hopefully in a positive manner). You can just ignore him and them when they "battle it out", you can be the arbiter.

There's absolutely no doubt that integration might be difficult. However,the most important things within your family are for you all to get along and recognise your differences without turning them into sources of conflict- it's called unity in diversity.

@Flower Power
You raise a very good point...very good. There are still so many unspoken "rules" in the South, and where we live there is just a smattering of Naija. Even those kinda keep to themselves...not like Texas, NYC, or Atlanta. Well, do I remember the days of my grandmothers telling me to "get my switch" cause a whipping was coming. But my dad, who was military and exposed to a different way of doing things was less strict. He raises me to talk things out, and that is how I and my ex generally parent. It does lead to situations of "back talk" with me (which I remember doing to my dad in the name of expressing myself), but with my husband the kids a very respectful. They, the oldest who thinks he's a man now in particular, are definitely more respectful to others than to me sometimes. But they do show him the utmost respect for which I'm grateful.
I'm actually in Georgia. We love our grits here no lie. The first time I served shrimp and grits to DH he thought I'd lost my mind. He's still acquiring the taste for it.

We have talked...numerous discussions on parenting, family roles, religion, retirement, etc. My husband has never met someone who wants to talk 1/2 as much as I do. All that being said some things can not be planned out. You may not know potential issues until you're in the midst of the situation. While we had pretty much voiced our differing perspectives and found a common ground, I just wanted ideas from others who've been in the same situation thinking the more insight and fresh perspectives the better. We are both good communicators and I know we'll settle it out. If not, worse comes to worse, I'll just fall back on the southern mantra - - mama is always right and if the woman ain't happy, ain't nobody happy,lol.
Thanks for your insights and opinions. I appreciative the dialogue.