I culled this rather long essay from bella naija's website. What are your views about a partner who spends big, just to keep up with the Jones .
Please take your time to read before commenting. Thank you.





I am not sure if this is just my way of ranting or if I will get
any valuable advice but I really pray
that I get some good advice because I
have reached my breaking point.
I met my husband in the United States
while I was enrolled in my MBA
programme. I grew up in Nigeria but
not in Lagos. I moved to the US when I
was a teenager. I went to college there,
worked for a few years and then
enrolled in my MBA programme. My
husband was a different kind of
Nigerian guy from the ones I had met
in the US. He was sophisticated (not
saying others aren’t but…) and very
charming; He even dressed very
differently from everyone but apart
from all those superficial things, he was
very grounded. When I say grounded, I
mean, he treated everyone with
respect and also ensured that we lived
well but within our means. We got
married after graduation and started
our family there. We both had really
great jobs in very hectic industries but
we made it work.
We had 2 children and all was well.
During the economic boom in Nigeria a
few years ago, my husband began
getting offers from companies in
Nigeria. We discussed the options and
decided to move to Nigeria. The
company that hired him was very
generous with their offer. We got an
apartment in Ikoyi, a signup bonus,
business class travel for the whole
family to move over, also our personal
items shipped to Nigeria and our
children’s school fees paid.
My husband settled into his job and
because it was a new environment for
the children, I initially decided to
become a stay-at-home mom. Lagos
was also a big culture shock for me
because the Nigeria I grew up in was
very different from what I saw. Even in
my children’s school, many of the
moms were part of “cliques” etc…I took
it within my stride but basically kept to
myself. After we moved back to Nigeria,
I started seeing another side of my
husband. My husband had an official
car from his office but insisted on
buying a luxury SUV, he went on a
business trip to Europe one time and
came back home with a suitcase full of
Saville Row suits, when I found out how
much it cost, I was so shocked but he
claimed it was an investment. There
were so many lavish purchases e.g. a
horse! If I mention the rest, most
people probably will not even believe
me because it was simply ridiculous. I
tried to talk to him but he kept on
assuring me that I should sit back and
enjoy afterall, this is what we had
worked so hard for all our lives.
I listened to him but also took some
steps such as taking control of our
budgeting. By doing this, I was able to
pay off our credit cards in the US, my
student loans for college and my MBA
and finally paid off our mortgage to
ensure that we owned our house there
100%. My relationship with my
husband was still great, we got along,
we were friends, we communicated, all
was well but I was still worried about
his spending and also his group of
friends. I have nothing against rich
people but many of his friends seemed
to live in another dimension where they
had to sense of the value of money.
They just spent it recklessly.
2 years ago, the company that my
husband worked for closed down. It
was an affiliate company of a larger
conglomerate and with the economic
downturn, it was no longer sustainable.
My husband lost his job. He received a
generous severance payment but that
is when the real change occurred. The
rent was due for our apartment in a few
months; I advised my husband that we
move to a cheaper place since the
company was no longer footing the bill.
He refused. I suggested that the
children move to a more affordable
school. He ignored that and assured
me that he would get a better job soon.
There were promises from his friends of
political appointments (special advisor
roles etc…) but nothing happened.
When the time to pay our rent arrived,
my husband pressured me into signing
the documents to sell our house in the
US to pay our rent and school fees in
Nigeria! Can you imagine that? I
begged and begged that he should
reconsider but he accused me of not
being submissive. That was how we
sold a house to pay for rent and school
fees. Till this day, I regret signing those
documents but he put me under so
much pressure and made so many
promises.
Since then, things have gone from bad
to worse. I found a job and that is what
has been sustaining my family. My
husband either spends all day at home
or hangs out with his friends. He has
not found a new job and I know that
everyone has their downtime but he
still spends money like all is well. He is
very moody and always accuses me of
looking down on him. He does not play
with the children or even attend
church. He had access to our joint
account where my salary was paid into
and was just spending indiscriminately
claiming that he was using the money
for “investments”. I had to ask my
office to pay me via a new account and
my husband was so upset over that
but I just had to bear it.
For the school fees which was due last
week, it took everything I had saved to
pay it. I almost had to ask my retired
parents for help but shame stopped
me. I recently found out that he
reapplied for new credit cards in the US
and has run up the bills to the value of
thousands of dollars. He used these
credit cards to pay for trips abroad this
summer. One of his friends had a
bachelor party (for his second marriage
o) in an exotic destination and he
attended while his family is struggling.
Even though I try to shield the children
away from what is happening, they
keep asking “what is wrong with
daddy?”. Noone on the outside can see
what is happening because on the
surface, all seems fine and dandy. Our
rent is due in a few weeks and even
though I have a good job, there is no
way I can afford it. Even his parents
have tried to talk to him but he does
not listen. I am tired. I am tempted to
take the children back to the US with
me and just leave him here to face the
mess that he has created.
Mrs, Wife of Mr. Big Spender

Wow, so sorry to hear Madam, sadly many people live like this oh, especially in Abuja and Lagos.
Living on Bank loans, doing big boy, Bentley, porshe, all the black berry and I phones gucci every thing yet they month get house.
I remember when I newly remarried and hubby was offered the house during Government sale. We didn't have money even to pay the down payment, but I sold my car, some share and some jewelries, my wedding jewelries, any northerner knows how we value our wedding jewelries and for more than a year used cabs, even when our boy was born.
My movement wasn't as much as Ogas even when he insisted I use the cr while he takes drops I refused. People laughed at us then saying I left to come and enter suffer, but today the house is ours, we have redesigned it, built extension and even bought another house.
Couples need to put their head down especially when they are kids. That 60k gucci bag will be worthless when you fall into hard times or need money. I have a limit for everything, shoes, bags etc.
I see people who are still paying rent and 1million school fees for kindergaten kids yet they have no house all to "belong". My parents always said even if it is a one bedroom, make sure you help your husband own one.
Today, most people who laughed stay with us when they come to town. What am I saying? We need to put our foot down sometimes for the future of our children, instead of a 80k dress buy gold which you can sell when you need money, who knows that the dress or bag is Gucci? Who really cares except the circle of equally fake people?
Please young people going into marriage, roll your sleaves and do the work. Delay gratification, build a home together. They is no shame in suffering a bit with a goal insight

"I grew up in nigeria but not in lagos" ?

What a s.tupid statement.

What a story!!
...i guess the man has always been a big irresponsible spender but she ignored it when she shouldn't have...
She laid her bed!!

The man needs a wake up call!

I'm not advising taking the kids and running back to the US, you need to be sure you've done all you can before taking that drastic step.

I don't think the woman deserves such harsh criticisms. She did make some mistakes, like succumbing to the suggestion to sell their house. However, she clearly described some responsible steps she took when he started overspending, like taking control of the budget. There were some good results from that action.

In a partnership, it's really difficult to pull one way when the other partner is pulling the other way.

Take heart, these things happen. There's hope because you once experienced the responsible side to this man (in the US), and there is a possibility that the responsible side can be re-awakened. I would have thought that losing his job would give him that wake up call, but clearly he needs a stronger one.

Be strong.

I believe the problem of this couple is that they fear what people will say. Yes the woman is also afraid of what people will say. I say this because if it were only the husband who is keeping up with the appearance, she can simply put a stop to that. How?
For instance, if she is going to the market or picking up the children from school, she can easily take a cab or even an Okada. This will make people to start talking and the husband must hear it that the wifey is using public transport(or even bike). The husband will have to confront the wife, and as submissive I will apologise but I will keep living within my means...
The husband cannot just waive or wish away his wife's new attitude... And believe me, something must give. The husband cannot keep pretending to be living large among friends while the wife and kids are living within their means.

chaircover: Somehow I dont feel sorry for this woman. Firstly I bet she was having such a good time when the money was flowing in that she didn't stop to think to curb the excesses and plan for a rainy day and its way to late to be crying over split milk now.

Where are these wishy washy women coming from I wonder. The man will have another thing coming if he expects me to sign away and sell a property we worked very hard to buy just to pay rent to a landlord. Unless he forges my signature sha! Shebi when the going was good, they had a joint account; by the time I clear that account and go and buy land or a property somewhere or siphon the money out of his reach, they guy will not even know what happened. I thought this woman has an MBA. Even illiterates now how to "hide" their husbands money if he keeps on overspending. I thought a wise woman builds a house. what was she looking at for those years the husband was making it? she was busy cruising around in the SUV and trying to copy the wives of people who have money wells in their backgardens. . . .meanwhile her hubby is a monthly salary earner.

The man has his head buried fully in the sand and it will take a big knock on his head to bring him back to reality and who best to do it than his wife. so she better stop wringing her hands and think of what to do next. Imagine someone on monthly salary buying a horse in Naija. Nonsense.

God bless you madam CC. Those were my thoughts exactly!

Hell will freeze over the day I will sign a document to sell off my hard earned property just to pay a high-maintenance rent!

Some women sha . . . .

Well, it is never too late, I believe they can sort it out. Sit him down and talk sense into him, but no more spending!