tpia@:
Issues relating to health should be disclosed.

If there's a chance you could be blackmailed in future by one or more of your former lovers, you should let your partner know about that or those relationship/s.
Etc etc.

Most importantly, dont be desperate to date or marry someone who is clearly not right for you, and vice versa.

This is why I loff you tpia. You are the only sugar in my tea

Personally, I think it depends on the individual. You know who u r dating, if they are emotional or too sentimental, then it's better u choose ur words carefully, that is, if u want to tell him/her. It is necessary though u do know some considerable facts about ur potential spouse but I do believe that we shldnt expose ourselves to emotional abuse all in the name of being honest. This post has actually inspired me to write sth I v been thinking about lately.

[color=#006600][/color]say it.... what is urs is urs....he/she will only succeed in running if u ar not menht 4....

You can't deny the fact that everyone has a past. Personally, I don't care about a Ladies' past, all I care about is our future together, except ofcos it's one that would affect our future together.

xcitedjay: You can't deny the fact that everyone has a past. Personally, I don't care about a Ladies' past, all I care about is our future together, except ofcos it's one that would affect our future together.

So if you dont know her past how would you know if some details about her past would affect your future together

slimyem: This comment on a certain thread and my own questions of what is and what should not be births this thread..

It was a response to how much one should tell a potential husband/wife.
We all have our pasts and have made series of mistakes but it sucks when they are used to judge us and a determinant of who gets to be in the future.
Although,i have my own opinions which is not leaving any part of one's past/hiding anything from a potential partner no matter how inconsequential it is....but i have also seen situations where one tells all and the guy/girl takes to his/her heels or its used against them in the most unpalatable ways.
.
I have a friend who had had about 3 abortions in school.She dated this guy and told him the truth to the letter.There was nothing he didn't call her and he went to lengths to slander her all over the place before he left.
Now,she's about getting married to some other guy and she has sworn not to tell him anything!
.
Another married friend with two kids now had a similar experience so she just didn't tell her husband anything about her previous abortion and they are happy together till date.
.
Now,this question goes to everyone married or not...
-How much do you think is too much to tell?
-When do you think its most appropriate to tell it all?
At the beginning of a relationship,before engagement or after engagement?
-What should or should not be left out?
To the married ones here,how much did you tell your spouse and when did you tell?

My husband and I do not tell each other everything that goes on around us or things that were told to us in confident. We share what is important for the family and the rest is nonissue. Couples should know what to share and what not to share. If he/she ask you a direct question then give him/her a direct answer. But too much information can cause issues in the marriage/relationship.

My husband is my best friend so I share things with my husband that best friends share with their best friends. I had to learned how to balance the two because at the end of the day my husband is still a man and my husband. I went to a women outing for the weekend and some of my single friends invited guys to join the outing. I was upset with the fact that I should have invited my husband if guys were going to be involved however one of the guys asked me to be his "date" for the weekend. I waved my hand up and said already taken.

The guy made comments about taking me from my husband and flirting etc. I made it very clear that I wasn't that type of girl and to find someone who is interested. So when we returned home from the outing and my husband asked me how was the outing...I simply told him the truth and he became very upset. I was surprised because I thought that he would appreciate the fact that I told him but confused why he was upset with me and not the guy. Anyways....he gave me the "silent" treatment and I confided in my close sister in-law. She explained to me that Nigerian men are territorial by nature and to give him a few days to calm down. She went on to say that when Nigerian men love...they love hard and the thought of another man touching, talking, approaching, looking, smiling, and mentioning of their girl is a trigger.

So I learned to NEVER share anything of such to my husband and only share important things of substance. The devil find any way to mess up a marriage or long term relationship because when two people are spiritually connected....it is unbreakable.

Different strokes for different folks. I’m the type who is not interested in a holy-holy babe or a virgin. I want a babe who has be there, done that, and she is now ready to leave all behind and move to the next level. I will tell her the truth about my past and I expect the same from her. The world is truly small and being secretive will surely backfire. I hate a situation whereby an outsider will be the one to tell me about the terrible past of my partner. That will clearly destroy the trust I’ve for the chick and turn the relationship into a loveless one.

Mrs.Chima:


My husband and I do not tell each other everything that goes on around us or things that were told to us in confident. We share what is important for the family and the rest is nonissue. Couples should know what to share and what not to share. If he/she ask you a direct question then give him/her a direct answer. But too much information can cause issues in the marriage/relationship.

My husband is my best friend so I share things with my husband that best friends share with their best friends. I had to learned how to balance the two because at the end of the day my husband is still a man and my husband. I went to a women outing for the weekend and some of my single friends invited guys to join the outing. I was upset with the fact that I should have invited my husband if guys were going to be involved however one of the guys asked me to be his "date" for the weekend. I waved my hand up and said already taken.

The guy made comments about taking me from my husband and flirting etc. I made it very clear that I wasn't that type of girl and to find someone who is interested. So when we returned home from the outing and my husband asked me how was the outing...I simply told him the truth and he became very upset. I was surprised because I thought that he would appreciate the fact that I told him but confused why he was upset with me and not the guy. Anyways....he gave me the "silent" treatment and I confided in my close sister in-law. She explained to me that Nigerian men are territorial by nature and to give him a few days to calm down. She went on to say that when Nigerian men love...they love hard and the thought of another man touching, talking, approaching, looking, smiling, and mentioning of their girl is a trigger.

So I learned to NEVER share anything of such to my husband and only share important things of substance. The devil find any way to mess up a marriage or long term relationship because when two people are spiritually connected....it is unbreakable.

In short,you are not going to tell him anything like the bolded again?

slimyem: In short,you are not going to tell him anything like the bolded again?

Never share what will trigger your partner.

No Wee: Different strokes for different folks. I’m the type who is not interested in a holy-holy babe or a virgin. I want a babe who has be there, done that, and she is now ready to leave all behind and move to the next level. I will tell her the truth about my past and I expect the same from her. The world is truly small and being secretive will surely backfire. I hate a situation whereby an outsider will be the one to tell me about the terrible past of my partner. That will clearly destroy the trust I’ve for the chick and turn the relationship into a loveless one.

True true

Mrs.Chima:
Never share what will trigger your partner.

"Madam i dont agree wit u at all, & pls there r lots of married women reading this, lets teach d right thing. Ur husband reserves right 2 be angry becos no man wants dirty words 2 spoken 2 his wife. Ur right as a wife is 2 disclose such 2 him every time it happen, thats honesty.He wil learn 2 take wit time. Dont let him start speculating, we knw such things happen. Do d right thing pls.

I really cant speak 4 most relationsp this days becos most r based on infatuations, but if u r in a committed relationship or planning marriage & there r secrets abt u or some dirty past which u nt ve told him or her, u r nt helping urself, u r only basing ur marriage on deceits & lies, & it wil come 2 hunt u later.If u ve truly change 4rm d past life u wil nt find it difficult 2 express urself, ur mind wil be clear,& even if d person leaves,u ve done d right thin & d right person wil come ur way.

bjcole: "Madam i dont agree wit u at all, & pls there r lots of married women reading this, lets teach d right thing. Ur husband reserves right 2 be angry becos no man wants dirty words 2 spoken 2 his wife. Ur right as a wife is 2 disclose such 2 him every time it happen, thats honesty.He wil learn 2 take wit time. Dont let him start speculating, we knw such things happen. Do d right thing pls.

What do you disagree with? I want to make sure I understand your point.

bjcole: "Madam i dont agree wit u at all, & pls there r lots of married women reading this, lets teach d right thing. Ur husband reserves right 2 be angry becos no man wants dirty words 2 spoken 2 his wife. Ur right as a wife is 2 disclose such 2 him every time it happen, thats honesty.He wil learn 2 take wit time. Dont let him start speculating, we knw such things happen. Do d right thing pls.

What is the use of telling your man something if you KNOW he is going to get angry/upset about it. Shouldnt a lady want to keep her many happy and NOT cause stress for no reason?

Mrs.Chima:

What do you disagree with? I want to make sure I understand your point.

If it does nt work 4 u, doesnt mean it work 4 others, & why generalising nigerian men. A close family friend to my wife's family, that we so much respected becos f what he did during our weddin was disturbing & wanting 2 sleep wit her, I got 2 knw & i was very upset even wit her, we agreed on what 2 do,he was so ashamed f himself, when he got 2 knw dat i m aware. how much r willing 2 keep

study him b4 telling and mind wat u voice out. if he's an abuser, chances are he will surely use them against you in future.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

bjcole: If it does nt work 4 u, doesnt mean it work 4 others, & why generalising nigerian men. A close family friend to my wife's family, that we so much respected becos f what he did during our weddin was disturbing & wanting 2 sleep wit her, I got 2 knw & i was very upset even wit her, we agreed on what 2 do,he was so ashamed f himself, when he got 2 knw dat i m aware. how much r willing 2 keep

Huh? Are you confusing my comment with several others? First of all...no one generalized Nigerian men. I was sharing an opinion of another Nigerian woman in regards to Nigerian men that loves their wives and are territorial. Okay fine...not all Nigerian men are territorial and give a Bleep about their wives. Gotcha.

We can't control our partner's emotions and no matter if we do or do not share with our partner..it will not change the outcome of their decisions. My husband could have simply decided not to get upset just as well as he could have decided to get upset. Why would I cause unnecessary drama with my husband if I can prevent it by not telling him every little detail of what happened with me when he is not around?

Do I need to tell my husband a man smiled at me? Do I need to tell my husband that I used some of his lotion? We need to choose our battles with our partner...everything is not MEANT TO BE SHARED and the important things are crucial. My husband can live without me telling him a man smiled at me today. What is the point?

My husband will not tell me what his friends tell him in confident and I will not tell him what my friends tell me in confident. That is called respecting our friends' privacy and friendship. If our friends wanted other people to know then they would have told them publicly.

1920MaMa: study him b4 telling and mind wat u voice out. if he's an abuser, chances are he will surely use them against you in future.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

I agree with you on the old things...if it is old and before your relationship...let it go. There is no point in rehashing old bullshit. My suggestion for people who are not in relationships is to get rid of their baggages before getting into the relationship that will prevent any drama in your new relationship.

Out with the old and in with the new.

UmericanGirl:

What is the use of telling your man something if you KNOW he is going to get angry/upset about it. Shouldnt a lady want to keep her many happy and NOT cause stress for no reason?

I hear you. When my husband and I were just dating..I would tell him little things that he didn't really need to know because I thought that it was a sign to him that I have nothing to hide...my husband actually told me that I didn't need to share with him everything little thing and that he trust me otherwise he would leave. If we can't trust each other then there is no point....we established what we both consider "important information to share and what is not necessary".

Now if I slept with a man and got pregnant of course that is something I need to share with my husband but I am referring to simple things as a man paying me a compliment or I received flowers from a male coworker.

Mrs.Chima:

now if i slept wit a man & got pregnant of course that is something i need 2 share wit my husband

i hear u madam, & that will nt aggrevate him, like u advised, & if u r nt pregnant, u wil also tell so that he can be happy, those r ur important info abi? let me ask u, wil u tell if ur boss is bent on sleeping wit u or friend? why did he get angry wit u after telling him urself, estabilsh that, nt dat nigerian r teritorial & jealous, may be american men r better.

1920MaMa: study him b4 telling and mind wat u voice out. if he's an abuser, chances are he will surely use them against you in future.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

this shd be d reasoning of those runs girls that full port harcourt, i ve always wondered if they r nt going 2 be married. So many men dont actually know their wives, what a cruel world.

bjcole: i hear u madam, & that will nt aggrevate him, like u advised, & if u r nt pregnant, u wil also tell so that he can be happy, those r ur important info abi? let me ask u, wil u tell if ur boss is bent on sleeping wit u or friend? why did he get angry wit u after telling him urself, estabilsh that, nt dat nigerian r teritorial & jealous, may be american men r better.

You need to comprehend carefully...the statement about Nigerian men was FROM A NIGERIAN WOMAN.

THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN IN THIS WORLD AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHO YOU MARRY....EVEN THE DAMN POPE ISNT PERFECT!

bjcole: i hear u madam, & that will nt aggrevate him, like u advised, & if u r nt pregnant, u wil also tell so that he can be happy, those r ur important info abi? let me ask u, wil u tell if ur boss is bent on sleeping wit u or friend? why did he get angry wit u after telling him urself, estabilsh that, nt dat nigerian r teritorial & jealous, may be american men r better.

That's okay I will stick to what I have been doing...some us like sleeping with our partners PEACEFULLY.

bjcole: this shd be d reasoning of those runs girls that full port harcourt, i ve always wondered if they r nt going 2 be married. So many men dont actually know their wives, what a cruel world.

who is talking about runs girls here? why on earth is a man bent on knowing the details of my past relationship? u should be interested in the now not the man i was with b4 you. what if i get to tell you that my ex was far better than u, how would you feel? my dear is better to leave things where they are, the past!

not true

xcitedjay: You can't deny the fact that everyone has a past. Personally, I don't care about a Ladies' past, all I care about is our future together, except ofcos it's one that would affect our future together.

Mrs.Chima:


That's okay I will stick to what I have been doing...some us like sleeping with our partners PEACEFULLY.

You can stick to whatever works for you, but do things, that will make your husband not upset,rather than accusing him of getting angry. He was upset with you because of the environment you found yourself or the way you handle the matter. You can not claim to be a good wife by hiding things from your husband because you assume he might be angry. You can imagine, your boss will be disturbing you, or his friend or your lecturer will want to sleep with you, and you will not disclose to your husband because he will be angry. Only God knows the kind women these days.

1920MaMa:

who is talking about runs girls here? why on earth is a man bent on knowing the details of my past relationship? u should be interested in the now not the man i was with b4 you. what if i get to tell you that my ex was far better than u, how would you feel? my dear is better to leave things where they are, the past!

you own your about to be husband, details of your past, you didnt fall from heaven, and somethings took place in your life, you can imagine having aborted once or several times, you owe it an obligation to disclose to him.

.

ifyalways: There are certain things you should never tell a man.some truths need to be told diplomatically.

If you have skeletons in your cupboard its always best to give a "hint" early in the relationship But that should be after you've studied your partner and come out convinced that s/he is worth telling.be brief, exclude details as much as possible. Example : when asked of your uni days and you've been a player, an answer like "I'm not a saint, I was young and did things that I'm not proud of ignorantly. I dated the wrong men for the wrong reasons then but in all, I thank God I'm now wiser". A good man would understand and either stay or leave.

Be honest but be mindful of some "truths" that hurt more than lies.

Wisdom!

Honesty doesn't have degrees. If u have t be honest, then be honest. Do u think after u say that the man won't have doubts or questions?? Even if he doesn't disclose them t u?
One reason I totally loved my ex was cos of how honest she was,t a fault. I still respect n seek her opinion attimes cos wat u'll get is d truth.. HONESTY IN RELATIONSHIP CANNOT BE OVER EMPHASISED..

slimyem:
Now,she's about getting married to some other guy and she has sworn not to tell him anything!
.
Another married friend with two kids now had a similar experience so she just didn't tell her husband anything about her previous abortion and they are happy together till date.
.
Now,this question goes to everyone married or not...
-How much do you think is too much to tell?
-When do you think its most appropriate to tell it all?
At the beginning of a relationship,before engagement or after engagement?
-What should or should not be left out?
To the married ones here,how much did you tell your spouse and when did you tell?

My take on relationships is, if you are in a committed relationship with someone you cannot reveal your true self(experiences, scars and all to) you will have to work hard to prop up that relationship for as long as you intend to keep it and that is a lot more hard work than when you are in a relationship with someone you are able to open up to any day, time or zone. I feel pity for people who say things like "Don't say everything to your partner" or "you can't tell the truth about this and that to your husband/wife", because as humans we all know how not easy it is to have to manipulate things around us just so we can have something go our way sometimes. When you turn a marriage into a job(work is usually what you have to manipulate in that manner), how do you expect to enjoy it as much as it is meant to be enjoyed?