slimyem: Why is everyone preaching here? Isn't this thread supposed to be about addressing the questions the op asked as it applies to one?

Madam d topic s problem n marriage, & u cnt be deviating 4rm d truth. God is d author of marriage & its only him u can go to when there r storms, i m nt saint either, u can check my old posts here, I ve requested 4 help here a lot, about my home, & i can tell u som advices really help. If all marriage issues can be solved d world wil

In the shadows…reading, probably learning too.

bjcole: The foundatn is d root cause of most crises in marriages, d bible says if d foundatn b destroyed what can a righteous do. Marriage cnt be on a deceit, cheating, lies & so on & u expect 2 excel. A marriage without christ is in crises. It is only d fear of God that can make marriage. Wife submit ur self unto ur husband, husband love ur wife. It is only when dis is inplace, that marriage can be succesful. so my advice marry in d Lord, it pays

Question for you; how do you explain these ‘unbelievers’ that get married and are still able to sustain their marriage till death do them part?

Not that I am trying to dispute your statement, rather, I agree, but it’s one of those few things that puzzles me.

Long One:

Question for you; how do you explain these ‘unbelievers’ that get married and are still able to sustain their marriage till death do them part?

Not that I am trying to dispute your statement, rather, I agree, but it’s one of those few things that puzzles me.

gjcole's point can pass as a subjective reasoning.

Long One:

Question for you; how do you explain these ‘unbelievers’ that get married and are still able to sustain their marriage till death do them part?

Not that I am trying to dispute your statement, rather, I agree, but it’s one of those few things that puzzles me.

God gave marriage to mankind. Marriage is for all - not to say that everyone will. However, in a "Christian context" there are some faith-specific peculiarities about it. You don't have to be a Christian to marry or to marry successfully.

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Tgirl4real:

gjcole's point can pass as a subjective reasoning.

^^^lol, I guessed as much. Let him come and speak now or forever hold his peace.

TV01:

God gave marriage to mankind. Marriage is for all - not to say that everyone will. However, in a "Christian context" there are some faith-specific peculiarities about it. You don't have to be a Christian to marry or to marry successfully.

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Fair enough. However, it means it takes a whole lot more than spirituality to hold it together.

TV01:

God gave marriage to mankind. Marriage is for all - not to say that everyone will. However, in a "Christian context" there are some faith-specific peculiarities about it. You don't have to be a Christian to marry or to marry successfully.

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Well said!

I sent you a mail sir.

Tgirl4real:

Well said!

I sent you a mail sir.

Thanks TG. Errr....I'm so embarrassed . How do I access it?

While the spiritual angle has been well elaborated one aspect we need to understand is WORK. You must make a conscious effort to make sure your marriage work. Its the responsibility of both partners.
Love fades but friendship sustains both partner must be friends. Definately there will be times in which you and your partner will want to drift apart due to situations and cicumstances but a cord of friendship brings you back together
You must always renew your vows to each other especially during your anniversary. Reminding each other what brought you together in the first place and never never take each other for granted!

TV01:

Thanks TG. Errr....I'm so embarrassed . How do I access it?

hahahahhahaha oops!!! Sorry sir

Ermm . . . just check your mail i.e. the one you get your NL notifications on.

If u can't find it, please check your spam folder.

What exactly is OP asking? I dont understand the shift from the firstpost.
Ask me a direct question and its got to be as it concerns a couple. I've been outta the singles club for long now, I dont know how it works there anymore.
Lol @Tgirl and Seun

3. Single people: what do you think marriage should do for you? What are your expectations of your future spouse? For example, do you accept that marriage confines you to be only intimate with your wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous as a man? Or do you think you owe your future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you let the person you intend to marry know this?

4. Would you rather stay single if you don't find someone that meets your exact specifications for marriage or would you reduce your expectations and marry someone who reasonably meets your expectations going by the popular notion that "no one is perfect". If you agree to "settle for less", are you sure you won't bear grudges when the other party begins to show traits that are not so endearing to you? In other words, do you think you can you handle such a situation without straining the marriage?

3. Marriage as I see it is the opportunity for me to have someone of like mind, and like orientation to spend the rest of my life with. I MUST also love the person, because I don't do well in LIKE relationships.
I accept that marriage confines me to one partner and I require that partner does the same. I ask direct, no bullsh*it questions, and see if his actions go hand in hand with what he says. I believe when we are single is our time to get single things out of our system. When you are married, respect yourself, your wife and your kids. Life is no longer about you.

4. I don't think I have exact specifications, but there are deal breakers. I won't marry a cheat,a criminal, a liar, a dirty person, lazy, an abuser, a man that gossips, and a man that courts controversy. I also won't marry a man that cannot handle his own or have respect for himself. When you can't respect yourself, I can't respect you. I love smart men and legit hustlers. I believe these are good genes to pass on to the next generation. And these kinds of men are go getters, they can sell sand to an Arab.lol.I want a man that sees my success as his success, and motivates me to be the best I can be. I want a man that is my backbone because I am a ride or die kind of person. No one is perfect, but I don't think I can compromise on these. And yes if I didn't find these traits I won't be getting married.

Lastly a belief system is important. I believe that when people have the same fundamental values and a strong belief system, life is a lot easier.

Tgirl4real:


hahahahhahaha oops!!! Sorry sir

Ermm . . . just check your mail i.e. the one you get your NL notifications on.

If u can't find it, please check your spam folder.

Ok I got it now - it was in my Junk folder lol! I though there was some funky NL "messenger" type functionality where people could ping each other on/in NL. So a NL "PM" actually goes to one's e-mail address?

Thanks again.

TV

TV01:

Ok I got it now - it was in my Junk folder lol! I though there was some funky NL "messenger" type functionality where people could ping each other on/in NL. So a NL "PM" actually goes to one's e-mail address?

Thanks again.

TV

Lol.

I don't know why Seun didn't do it that way. Or make the notification tell u where to find the mail.

I will expect your response sir.

@ Odunnu,


I can see you are wearing your 3D glasses.

Don't mind Seun jare. Always acting like he is my hubby.

baby_123:

3. Marriage as I see it is the opportunity for me to have someone of like mind, and like orientation to spend the rest of my life with. I MUST also love the person, because I don't do well in LIKE relationships.
I accept that marriage confines me to one partner and I require that partner does the same. I ask direct, no bullsh*it questions, and see if his actions go hand in hand with what he says. I believe when we are single is our time to get single things out of our system. When you are married, respect yourself, your wife and your kids. Life is no longer about you.

4. I don't think I have exact specifications, but there are deal breakers. I won't marry a cheat, a liar, a dirty person, lazy, an abuser, a man that gossips, and a man that courts controversy. I also won't marry a man that cannot handle his own or have respect for himself. When you can't respect yourself, I can't respect you. I love smart men and legit hustlers. I believe these are good genes to pass on to the next generation. And these kinds of men are go getters, they can sell sand to an Arab.lol.I want a man that sees my success as his success, and motivates me to be the best I can be. I want a man that is my backbone because I am a ride or die kind of person. No one is perfect, but I don't think I can compromise on these. And yes if I didn't find these traits I won't be getting married.

Lastly a belief system is important. I believe that when people have the same fundamental values and a strong belief system, life is a lot easier.

From a "singles" perspective, this is quite insightful. Thank you for sharing.

Tgirl and Seun had me in stitches. Rotfl!

maclatunji: Hello Everyone,
1. People whose marriage has turned "sour". Why do you think this happened? Did you love your spouse at the beginning? What could have happened to kill that love if you answered yes to the last question.

It is possible there was love at the beginning, but as known, if it's not alimented it dies. Love is an emotion and like all emotions, it's not constant.

2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples.

To sail stormy water in marriage or any union and triumph, one of the couple must be a fighter, determined to try everything possible to make it work. There are too many reasons a person could decide to walk away, only a resolute person pushes aside those reasons, strives daily to ignore 'em and see only why it must work.

3. Single people: what do you think marriage should do for you? What are your expectations of your future spouse? For example, do you accept that marriage confines you to be only intimate with your wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous as a man? Or do you think you owe your future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you let the person you intend to marry know this?

One man, one woman - We must both understand this before we pledge, and this is not open to discussion.

4. Would you rather stay single if you don't find someone that meets your exact specifications for marriage or would you reduce your expectations and marry someone who reasonably meets your expectations going by the popular notion that "no one is perfect". If you agree to "settle for less", are you sure you won't bear grudges when the other party begins to show traits that are not so endearing to you? In other words, do you think you can you handle such a situation without straining the marriage?

My demands aren't out of this world; it's quite impossible that there's scarcity of men that measure up.

5. Marriage is a part of our social make-up as human beings. Are there things that we do as a society that contribute to the increasing rate of dysfunctional marriages? How can we stop such negative societal habits to reduce the rates of divorce and unhappy marriages?

Marrying for the wrong reasons and the availability of/ yielding to too many distractions are part of the problems. What can we do to help the situation? Take time to improve your person and desires so we can make the right decisions. A person of great value knows what to look out for - inner values. Those are the things that mostly stand the test of time.

Tgirl4real:
gjcole's point can pass as a subjectivereasoning.

I really shd ve an idea of d exposure & d experience u ve gathered on marital matters 4 us 2 ve a constructive arguments. I dnt want 2 put u in d class of starters.

bjcole: I really shd ve an idea of d exposure & d experience u ve gathered on marital matters 4 us 2 ve a constructive arguments. I dnt want 2 put u in d class of starters.

lol. Sincerely, it is subjective

TV01:

God gave marriage to mankind. Marriage is for all - not to say that everyone will. However, in a "Christian context" there are some faith-specific peculiarities about it. You don't have to be a Christian to marry or to marry successfully.

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I go with this.

maclatunji: 1. People whose marriage has turned "sour". Why do you think this happened? Did you love your spouse at the beginning? What could have happened to kill that love if you answered yes to the last question.

Not applicable, but an attempt would be, as with everything in life, maintenance is essential and change is constant. Couples occasionally let little things like kids, e.t.c. come in between them without having ‘alone time’ like holidays together and so on.
Marriage should be a relationship where everything is naked and open, selfless, you become an inseparable team. A little bit of neglect and unresolved issues leads to ‘irreconcilable differences’. It is a never-ending battle played out 24-7-365 till game over.

maclatunji: 2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples.

This is rocket science to me; do not understand the “survive the storm” dynamics.

maclatunji: 3. Single people: what do you think marriage should do for you? What are your expectations of your future spouse? For example, do you accept that marriage confines you to be only intimate with your wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous as a man? Or do you think you owe your future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you let the person you intend to marry know this?

Marriage should provide an extension/reflection of me, strengths for my weaknesses, and vice versa. A companion for life’s rocky patches, through thick and thin together, not one whose love is conditional.
Someone who understands that important things in life are often hidden (i.e. oil, gold) and not always apparent on the surface. However, willing to gradually discover these while we court, not confusing lust with love.
Never been the polygamous type, never will be. Expect the same of the other person, for this, I will give my undivided loyalty and my life if need be, so help me God.

maclatunji: 4. Would you rather stay single if you don't find someone that meets your exact specifications for marriage or would you reduce your expectations and marry someone who reasonably meets your expectations going by the popular notion that "no one is perfect". If you agree to "settle for less", are you sure you won't bear grudges when the other party begins to show traits that are not so endearing to you? In other words, do you think you can you handle such a situation without straining the marriage?

I’ll go for the ‘reasonably meets’ bit, as even if she is my ‘one’, I will probably be ‘reasonably meets’ to her. As long as she understand humans are inherently flawed and is willing to develop her mind, body and spirit with me, all will be well. I will strive to maintain my headship in these 3 areas, as long as she plays her part, no shaking/wahala.

Can definitely handle ‘settle for less’ situations, will adapt to suit these ‘not so endearing’ traits. You have to take in the bad with the good; this is what being human is.

maclatunji: 5. Marriage is a part of our social make-up as human beings. Are there things that we do as a society that contribute to the increasing rate of dysfunctional marriages? How can we stop such negative societal habits to reduce the rates of divorce and unhappy marriages?

Don’t give a hoot about society, never been the crowd following type, if society decides to ban marriages, I will still do what suits us – obviously one of my weaknesses.
How to stop negative societal influences? Avoid influences from society and the media. Raise your own little society to God’s standards (if you believe), as these never change.

I can only talk about "post marriage"

1. Patience, not all battles are worth fighting.why shout about the position of a wet towel, toilet lid/cover, dirty socks when you can easily place it in its rightful position?sometimes, its good to see your spouse as your lil' baby that needs your constant support to keep to the right track.

2. Don't cage each other. You were individuals first before couple,give your spouse space and encouragement to be her/him self.couples should draw strenght from their individuality not fight it. Love is a free bird.

3. No one is perfect. Bearing this in mind already opens up your heart to forgive wholly. Reprimand one another when there is failure but please lift each other up too.

4. Be the best friends and buddies. This is where honesty comes in. If you can't share your sexual fantasies, jokes, dreams and aspirations with your spouse who else would you tell?

5. Love. Fall in and out of love with your partner. Its allowed! Lol

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ftmom: 2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples.


I will talk about #2:

The first few years of marriage was rocky, not because there was infidelity and not because there was abuse. When I look back now, it 's hard for me to remember the specifics of any of the fights. I was crazy in the head and claim 95% responsibility. I am naturally impatient and like things my way. I was given to controlling behavior and if I didn't get my way, the thunderstorm came. Frankly, I would not pray for any son of mine to marry the kind of personality I used to be.

Other than God, the only thing that held us together was my husband's maturity and patient disposition. If not, we would have divorced at some point. Now, I do not need to wonder if he loves me or not because only love could have seen us through. I made life difficult for him on so many occassions because of my craziness. My experience taught me that two "crazy" people should probably not be together even if they are in love. One of them has to be sane to carry the marriage through. There is such a thing as hurting yourslf even as you are hurting your partner, that is how I felt. I was sane enough to know what I was doing and the damage it was causing but at the same time, crazy enough not to care about the consequences.

These days, there is little he can do to get me truly mad because I know nothing he does could ever be even a quarter of what he went through with me. If he was given to abuse, I have no doubt that one or more of us, would have ended up in hospital - it was that bad.

One of the things that attracted me to him is his calm nature - my husband is "cool like Obama," not much ruffles him. How he ended up with a spitfire? It could only have been love and everyday I thank God for him.

It is love now. For me that is the ONLY thing that can keep me in a relationship. This is why I can't understand why people advice others not to marry for love but friendship. Do you know how many friends I have ditched? Yoruba says, 20 friends cannot move together for 20yrs or so. Dunno if I got that right. I am also the strong type and a spit fire, but my partner is my direct opposite. Very calm. I think this makes him way stronger than me, and I am learning a lot from this. I run from spit fires anyway. Its funny how we also calm each other down when we are both upset. Hilarious. SMH

.

I know they go together naturally. But love comes first. I have ditched best friends in the event of a betrayal. So that friendship first angle doesn't work for me.

ftmom:

But you know what? Friendship and true affection cannot be underestimated. We were/are best friends and during the "calm" periods, we would have so much fun together. I don't think we can divorce our love fom each other from the friendship we share. Sorry if I'm not making sense o I can't explain it well . You can ditch a lot of friends but not as easy to ditch your best friend.

ftmom: 2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples.


I will talk about #2:

The first few years of marriage was rocky, not because there was infidelity and not because there was abuse. When I look back now, it 's hard for me to remember the specifics of any of the fights. I was crazy in the head and claim 95% responsibility. I am naturally impatient and like things my way. I was given to controlling behavior and if I didn't get my way, the thunderstorm came. Frankly, I would not pray for any son of mine to marry the kind of personality I used to be.

Other than God, the only thing that held us together was my husband's maturity and patient disposition. If not, we would have divorced at some point. Now, I do not need to wonder if he loves me or not because only love could have seen us through. I made life difficult for him on so many occassions because of my craziness. My experience taught me that two "crazy" people should probably not be together even if they are in love. One of them has to be sane to carry the marriage through. There is such a thing as hurting yourslf even as you are hurting your partner, that is how I felt. I was sane enough to know what I was doing and the damage it was causing but at the same time, crazy enough not to care about the consequences.

These days, there is little he can do to get me truly mad because I know nothing he does could ever be even a quarter of what he went through with me. If he was given to abuse, I have no doubt that one or more of us, would have ended up in hospital - it was that bad.

One of the things that attracted me to him is his calm nature - my husband is "cool like Obama," not much ruffles him. How he ended up with a spitfire? It could only have been love and everyday I thank God for him.

Am I allowed to say: ""Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweww"? It is quite instructive to note that you knew you were doing something wrong but still continued for a considerable length of time before stopping. What is your advice for people who find themselves in a similar situation? They know they are doing something wrong but seem to lack the capacity to stop.

Sorry! Double Post.

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ftmom: My advice is - If you are crazy,make sure you don't marry a crazy person Seriously! Not many households will survive two crazy people

U are right. I'm glad that u shared.

My question: if ur spouse had insisted on a divorce cos of ur attitude then, woud u blame him?

We need to put into consideration that tolerance level vary from individual to individual

.

I definitely see how this can happen.

Whether or not you believe it, people change after the wedding. As each partner’s true color begin to shine through animosity begins to build up and you start to realize that you need more than sex and affection to get you through the life long commitment.

Being married, I can say for a fact that taking things too seriously can push you to the limit and cause you to start hating your spouse. If an argument is getting out of hand just walk-away and come back. Also one needs be okay with losing some battles and most importantly pick your battles. Always remember that trading your spouse for a new one is not always as glamorous as it plays out in your imagination.

Everyone needs an escape from marriage meaning an outlet to un-bottle everything. Your outlet could be exercise, business, etc something that makes you happy, a little me-time. Nobody is perfect but if you have decided that divorce is not an option, then you have to stick it out.

We all need God’s help to survive marriage.

lolafaj: I definitely see how this can happen.

Whether or not you believe it, people change after the wedding. As each partner’s true color begin to shine through animosity begins to build up and you start to realize that you need more than sex and affection to get you through the life long commitment.

Being married, I can say for a fact that taking things too seriously can push you to the limit and cause you to start hating your spouse. If an argument is getting out of hand just walk-away and come back. Also one needs be okay with losing some battles and most importantly pick your battles. Always remember that trading your spouse for a new one is not always as glamorous as it plays out in your imagination.

Everyone needs an escape from marriage meaning an outlet to un-bottle everything. Your outlet could be exercise, business, etc something that makes you happy, a little me-time. Nobody is perfect but if you have decided that divorce is not an option, then you have to stick it out.

We all need God’s help to survive marriage.

Ok, thank you.

Tgirl4real:

That is not true. Just just mis-quoted and mis-interpreted scriptures.

Jesus and Paul actually said in the bible that it is better not to marry. 1 Corthians 7

Addition to that...in Matt. It spoke about virginity and abstain from sex but if you cant abstain from sex..it is better to be married than burn.
i think she was confusing Genesis...when the bible said Adam was alone and Eve was created to be his helpnate not wife. Eve was not his wife until after the great sin....they didnt have mortal desire dor procreation until God sent Adam and Eve out of the garden. Because they have sinned they no longer had eternal. Life or the tree of life. They had to procreate to to continue mankind. In fact after God said go forth and multiply...Adam and Eve knew each other for the first time.
They begatted two sons and no daughters but in Genesis speak about the land of the giants. There was a woman created before Eve.

How can we explain how was mankind able to continue if only two sons were born and Abel was killed by Cain and Cain had a mark on his back and hid in shame?

You all aint ready for this.