EMPLOYEE NOTICE
*************** *************** *** Due to the current financial situation
caused by the slowdown in the economy,
the Government has decided to implement
a scheme to put workers of 50 years of
age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to
the Government to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and
SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (System Covering Retired-
Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED
twice and SCREWED as many times as the
Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get
AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents &
Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
anyfurther by the Government. Persons who are not RAPED and are
staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as
possible. The Government has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT
they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your MP, who has been
trained to give you all the SHIT you can
handle. Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of
Individual Lives (EVIL)