ARSENE WENGER

Barca offered to sell Lionnel Messi .
All the big clubs in the world such as Real madrid, enugu rangers, man united, chelsea, warri wolves etc came with mouth-watering offers like 200million pounds, 150 million pounds etc. But barcelona felt the offers were not good enough as they wanted a much bigger sum, knowing messi's calibre, until Arsene Venger personally called Juan Laporta(barca president) on the phone and the following ensued;

Juan Laporta: Hello

Arsene wenger:Hi, this is Arsene wenger, i ll like to buy messi *typical french accent*

Juan Laporte:How much will you offer? remember real madrid offered 200 million pounds but we rejected it.

Arsene Wenger:Well,its a whole package we have for you.We will pay you 12million pounds in a 2-year installment, plus lukas fabianski, abou diaby, maroune chamack,emmanuel frimpong, carl jenkinson. . .

*Juan Laporte hanged up and fainted*

Arsene Wenger:hello, are you there? is it a deal? . . .. .mtcheew!!!






Gervinho was monitoring the conversation. . .and burst out laughing grin grin grin wenger saw him laughing so he said to himself "fukking black boy. ..i will bench you in the next six games, bush pig!!"


OPINTO

A teacher was teaching about odour in a primary 5 class.
He then asked the class to name parts of the body where there is usual odour.
Ramatu raised her hand and said "armpit"
Then Akpan came in with "the mouth"
.
.
.
.
Opinto's hand was up in the back so teacher called him. ..
.
.
he screamed " sah your yansh!!"

the teacher had a cardiac arrest immediately

Joyce's hand was still up, and when asked what she wanted to say,

she said "the kpekus!!!"



they all died


TOP 10 PROBLEMS FOR MARRYING A PRETTY WOMAN


This research has actually taken me and my crew 5 years to arrive at these findings.

1.High chances of her cheating on the husband

2.Lack of respect for the husband

3.Psychological trauma for the husband

4.Likely to have beautiful daughters as a results with its own troubles

5.Natural imbalance, a clear case of the beauty and the beast.

6.Financial problems as our study revealed that, most beautiful ladies are lazy and demanding

7.hIGH likelyhood of the husband cheating as most beautiful women are weak in bed

8.Most beautiful wives are terrible at cooking

9.Egoism:most beautiful wives are very egocentric and disrespectful

10.Most beautiful wives are infertile and often give birth to midgets


thank you

IKPE THE FOOLISSH MAN

ikpe had a long hair and beard and lived alone in a single room at onitsha.one night, thieves broke into his room and stole all his valuables.while ikpe was still asleep the thieves shaved all his long hair and beard.
ikpe woke up and saw his room looted so he began crying.He touched his head and saw it was shaved so stopped crying and said " thank God say e no be me!" grin

i dedicate this joke to bunmi, lagusta, valiant, larride, and all my pallies. . .


GOD DEY!


THE FOOD

Little Chinedu came back from school very hungry. grin
He saw only his mama greeted her, and headed straight for the kitchen.
He came back with a bowl and gari.He prepared the gari and went to the market to buy fish to come and balance his gari.
When he returned, he realised someone had eaten almost half of his eba so he screamed in anger and hunger"which animal ate my eba?". ..no reply
. .he screamed again this time louder "which animal ate my eba?" Then his papa popped out from the back of the house.
"papa, which animal ate my eba?? " chinedu asked again
his papa replied "oh, chinedu, its me oo, your father, i was hungry. . "

chinedu interrupted him "next time eat like a human being!!!! . . .foolish man











his father died immediatelY


STOLEN HANDCUFF

This taxi driver embossed on his car "POLICE ARE THIEVES"
The police saw him, beat him, handcuffed him and remanded him for two days.
He was finally released on conditions that he will change his message "POLICE ARE THIEVES"
.
..
.
.Two weeks later, the police spotted this same taxi coming, but this time with the inscription...

.
.

.
.
.
.
. "STILL THIEVES"







The police lady amongst them who was pregnant for just two months instantly gave birth to a bouncing baby man!!!!!!




HERNIA

A bus was loading to Onitsa and lots of people gathered around it to sell their products to the passengers.
Some traders had their selling business booming as people were buying.
But amongst the sellers was this very frustrated herbal-medicine seller who had spoken at lenghts but not a single passenger had bought his product.
The bus was full and about to take off so the frustrated herbalist peeped into the bus, saw a youngman eating iced cream and this angered him further, he looked at this guy in anger and screamed "keep on buying and sucking ice cream, instead of buying medicine. .. if hernia attack you right now, you go talk say na winch dey pursue you, olodo!!!"

the guy succking ice cream fainted

68 YEARS. ..

armed robbers stormed a bus heading to lagos.
they took all the monies on the passengers and lined the 8 ladies on the bus up to rrape.The 3 cruel armed robbers rraped 7 of the ladies and it got to the turn of a 68 year old woman.Angela, a young lady who had already received hers pitied the old lady so suggested "mama, dont worry ehn, i go take your own for you. ."
the oldlady frowned and replied angrily, "no, no, no, no, everybody go take hin own!!!, na my turn. . . .. .enemy of progress!!!"

Angela fainted!!!

CEMETERY JUNCTION

Polycarp stayed close to the cemetery so used that to outwit okada riders and taxi drivers.
He would simply alight at the cemetery junction, fill his nostrils with cotton and speak nasally.This scared every driver and rider and wouldnt dare ask him for money.
Polycarp did this for years and successfully outwitted every driver thinking he was a ghost.
One cool evening, Polycarp boarded this okada and as usual alighted at the cemetery junction."MONEY?" the angry looking okadaman asked
Polycarp was at his best, stuffed cotton wool into his nostrils and spoke nasally "i dont have money!"
The okadaman wouldnt take any of that, and kept insisting. . .this frustrated Polycarp, who later said "ok, ok, follow me into the cemetery. .. to my room and i will pay you"
The okadaman agreed and followed him till they got to one grave.Polycarp in his attempts to frighten the okadaman knocked on the grave and screamed " uche!, uche!, uche!, abeg give me #800 make i pay this stubborn okadaman" . .All of a sudden, a very big hand holding #1000 appeared through the grave accompanied with a voice saying "take, this one na ma last money. . ."
Polycarp and the okadaman took to their heels


He got home and found fresh shittz all over his pants


PROFESSOR

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."



the professor errected!!



ATM

a guy went to withdraw money from the ATM machine.
he slotted in his card, dialled his password and requested 4000 naira.
soon some naira notes popped out of the machine so he tòok them and counted.it was 2000 naira.the receipt popped out and it was 4000 naira.
the guy boiled up and screamed "now listen, whoever ediot that is playing 4-1-ten inside this machine eh' i am counting 5, if u dont give me my balance now eh. . ."
2 mins later one fat rat popped out the ATM n the guy gave him a hooot chase


MAD FISH

uchenna got to his favourite eatery where he requested for egusi and pounded yam."meat or fish?" the waitress ask am
"fish for sure!" he replied
"u like head or tail?" she ask again
"tail !" he replied
"u v never bought head before why?"the waitress ask am again


"how do i know if the fish was mad before?" uchenna replied.







the waitress had her period!

UCHENNA
uchenna got to his favourite eatery where he requested for egusi and pounded yam."meat or fish?" the waitress ask am
"fish for sure!" he replied
"u like head or tail?" she ask again
"tail !" he replied
"u v never bought head before why?"the waitress ask am again


"how do i know if the fish was mad before?" uchenna replied.







the waitress had her period!

HMMMMMMMMMMM

I stopped this taxi and hopped in at the back.There was this bearded man sitting next to me looking disturbed.I was feeling heavy, then i heard the man next to me say, "please, you r sitting on my luggage!"He said this three times and almost cried the last time.i couldnt believe why he was talking with so much pain until i realised i was sitting on his swollen groin.He was suffering hernia, and it was soooooooooo big it covered the entire back seat!!!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

An elderly man, probably in his late 50's stole money from a police officer's back-pocket.Buntu, a young boy only 12 years saw the man and almost screamed "thief!" but the man begged him to keep quiet else he would be lynched. The little agreed to keep quiet on the condition that, he was going to give the man 20 hot slaps to which the man agreed. . .
3 minutes on and buntu had already given the man 15 slaps and was just about to give the 16th slap when a woman passing by stopped and yelled "hey buntu!, dont you have manners? this man is old enough to even be your father and you are here slapping him, come on st. . ." she no land when the man replied "woman, na your cheek buntu the slap? why dont you mind your yeye business. . .mtcheew, buntu where did we get to? " "oga 15. ."
"oya, carry on!!!

SPLIFF

I was seated under the Okro tree in my Papa's house reminiscing how i stole church money from the offering bowl under the guise of giving my own offering.I felt ashamed of myself, so resolved to go to my pastor, (Father paul) to confess my sins.
in 5 minutes, i was at the mission house.The mission house was very unusUally quiet and with an unusual repugnant odour on the compound.I smelled a dog, a rat, so i tip-toed to the main hall, which had the door ajar.I entered the hall, and unbelievably, saw Father Paul with a spliff(GANJA) smoking and listening to Peter Tosh's "legalise it". grin
The moment he saw me, he knelt down before me and begged me never to disclose it to any one
Father Paul wept and wept and begged me.So , i took the Spliff from him, and smoked it! It was my first time wink, so the moment i burnt the first roll, i left the mission house and got home.When i got home, I saw some unusual creatures in my Papa's house.Two midgets, a masquerade and a small rat.All os a fudden grin grin, One of the midgets started asking me unnecessary questions, so i gave it a sound beating, feeling soooo high! Then, the second midget came, then i slapped him left right and center, kicked him and beat him well well. I was feeling sooo irie until i saw that masquerade coming with some three black goats.The goats had no horns and did not bleat too.Before i realised, the three goat had locked me up, i wonder how they did it. . .
i woke up next morning in Police custody.There i realised, those two midgets i was seeing were my mum and dad, the masquerade, my grandfaada and those black goats, police officers.Ever since, i dont smoke Egbo again!!!


OGA BISMARK. . .

Oga Bismark was caught on top of his househelp by Mariam his wife.
"Bismark you are a disgrace!, a big one, so na because of this dirty stinking househelp you no go work today?" Miriam screamed!
Oga bismark replied " shut up dia , you witch!, abi you dont know say even dirty water fit quench fire??'












miriam saw her period!!


HAUSA NO DEY CARRY LAST

An IBOman, a YORUBAman and a HAUZAman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The IBOman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they're going to shoot him, he shouts "Earthquake!" and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the YORUBAMANman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts "Tidal Wave!" and the firing squad again runs away. The HAUZAman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the HAUZAman shouts, "Fire!"



( just fun, no tribalism intended please!)

bin gbagbo: HMMMMMMMMMMM

I stopped this taxi and hopped in at the back.There was this bearded man sitting next to me looking disturbed.I was feeling heavy, then i heard the man next to me say, "please, you r sitting on my luggage!"He said this three times and almost cried the last time.i couldnt believe why he was talking with so much pain until i realised i was sitting on his swollen groin.He was suffering hernia, and it was soooooooooo big it covered the entire back seat!!!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

An elderly man, probably in his late 50's stole money from a police officer's back-pocket.Buntu, a young boy only 12 years saw the man and almost screamed "thief!" but the man begged him to keep quiet else he would be lynched. The little agreed to keep quiet on the condition that, he was going to give the man 20 hot slaps to which the man agreed. . .
3 minutes on and buntu had already given the man 15 slaps and was just about to give the 16th slap when a woman passing by stopped and yelled "hey buntu!, dont you have manners? this man is old enough to even be your father and you are here slapping him, come on st. . ." she no land when the man replied "woman, na your cheek buntu the slap? why dont you mind your yeye business. . .mtcheew, buntu where did we get to? " "oga 15. ."
"oya, carry on!!!

SPLIFF

I was seated under the Okro tree in my Papa's house reminiscing how i stole church money from the offering bowl under the guise of giving my own offering.I felt ashamed of myself, so resolved to go to my pastor, (Father paul) to confess my sins.
in 5 minutes, i was at the mission house.The mission house was very unusUally quiet and with an unusual repugnant odour on the compound.I smelled a dog, a rat, so i tip-toed to the main hall, which had the door ajar.I entered the hall, and unbelievably, saw Father Paul with a spliff(GANJA) smoking and listening to Peter Tosh's "legalise it". grin
The moment he saw me, he knelt down before me and begged me never to disclose it to any one
Father Paul wept and wept and begged me.So , i took the Spliff from him, and smoked it! It was my first time wink, so the moment i burnt the first roll, i left the mission house and got home.When i got home, I saw some unusual creatures in my Papa's house.Two midgets, a masquerade and a small rat.All os a fudden grin grin, One of the midgets started asking me unnecessary questions, so i gave it a sound beating, feeling soooo high! Then, the second midget came, then i slapped him left right and center, kicked him and beat him well well. I was feeling sooo irie until i saw that masquerade coming with some three black goats.The goats had no horns and did not bleat too.Before i realised, the three goat had locked me up, i wonder how they did it. . .
i woke up next morning in Police custody.There i realised, those two midgets i was seeing were my mum and dad, the masquerade, my grandfaada and those black goats, police officers.Ever since, i dont smoke Egbo again!!!


OGA BISMARK. . .

Oga Bismark was caught on top of his househelp by Mariam his wife.
"Bismark you are a disgrace!, a big one, so na because of this dirty stinking househelp you no go work today?" Miriam screamed!
Oga bismark replied " shut up dia , you witch!, abi you dont know say even dirty water fit quench fire??'












miriam saw her period!!


HAUSA NO DEY CARRY LAST

An IBOman, a YORUBAman and a HAUZAman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The IBOman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they're going to shoot him, he shouts "Earthquake!" and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the YORUBAMANman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts "Tidal Wave!" and the firing squad again runs away. The HAUZAman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the HAUZAman shouts, "Fire!"



( just fun, no tribalism intended please!)

nonsense copy & past. Idiot boy wetin u call ur name? Dustbin muka-gbagbo mtcheeeeeew!

Kessyy2k4: nonsense copy & past. Idiot boy wetin u call ur name? Dustbin muka-gbagbo mtcheeeeeew!

keep shut, eediota




@BIn me dey feel you jare, carry go

BG carry go, u rock

bunmioguns:



keep shut, eediota




@BIn me dey feel you jare, carry go

thanks my man. . .

larride: BG carry go, u rock

one love

Guyz let stop discoureging pples contributing effort here, its tragically bad. It a mata of choice or decisn 2 enter some1 trend or posts. Rememba dey post 2 kip u gud company.

XEGUUN: Guyz let stop discoureging pples contributing effort here, its tragically bad. It a mata of choice or decisn 2 enter some1 trend or posts. Rememba dey post 2 kip u gud company.

dont mind those eppileptics jare