Hello everyone! pls i want ur opinion on this issue. I seperated from my hubby since April nd i stay with my two girls, 4 nd 3yrs old. the father pays their fees nd insisted that i take care of their feeding since am workin. now he wants me to release the kids to him for them to travel with him to the village. i ve not replied him. the fact is this, his parents have not called for one day to ask after their grandchildren even his brothers nd sisters. how can i leave my kids with them. i dont trust them.

um . . . given the many horror stories I have heard myself, I would advice that you NOT LET THOSE KIDS OUT OF YOUR SIGHT. NEVER DO THAT!!

@Op, are you guys really divorced or just separated? whatever you're doing, don't forget he is their father and moreso, the girls needs their father's love too.

Ofcourse, he is still their father and he is responsible for their fees, he deserves to have his kids, besides, you wont win this type of case in court.

They are his kids, let him have them, afterall, just for some few days and you can have them back.

Don't trust them, that what can happen??
Obviously the family is bitter, you don't expect them to call and be all smiles! The obvius thing to do is call the man and ask him how are the kids, do you honestly think they'll call you? Anything you decide to do na you sabi, its your kids and you know the family better.

Don't try it !!!

The risks outweigh whatever "good" this trip might do them.

Whoever that wants to see them should come to the city and do so, the girls are still very young and can't stand up for themselves.

If they must go, insist on bringing them over yourself and make sure you are accompanied by an adult trusted male relative.

What's the worse that could happen? Afteral the your ex-husband is still their father and he has the right to take his children anywhere. What exactly are your fears? That he'll kill them

kids 4 to 3 yrs.
What could make a marriage so young to crash

What was the divorce aggrement? What was the custody arrangement? I know when you asked for advice some of us suggested you go to social welfare and draw out arrangements for welfare and custody. What did you decide then?
Usually, these things are clearly spelt out, that is why it is always good to do things legaally and clearly.
That you re divorced does not make them any less his kids, the kids are in your custody now fully because they are under 7, if they were above 7 he would always haave a chance for equal time or full custody except you can prove he is incapable of caring for them, abusive or negligent.
My advice, legally spell out in front of a welfare officer custody arrangements including holidays and where and how the holidays will be spent.

I dnt know if there can be any sweet seperation between husband & wife. @ Op, u know ur ex better than anybody here & is there anything like him wanting 2 ve those kids at all cost? so if u r nt draging that, then why r u afraid? if u ve anything like, sort it out legaly, so that he wont do anything u r insinuating. 4 his family, they r nt happy with u, i guess they wish they never knew u. So pls, it can be demoralising when u dnt ur wife anymore & ur kids not around u for xmas.

thanks for all ur reply, @debrief, we both went to Alausa ikeja nd there he was ordered to come for us to settle amicably which we did, dowry was refunded. the issue here is this the kids father is not the type that stays at home, he comes home midnight. the parents cares only abt themselves nd my kids re too small for that kind of life. i knw them better. they believe everyone on their own. had it been they re of age like 8 or 9, i wont mind at all. he is still their father but the kids re all i ve got.

Go back to Aluasa and let them know this request and your fears.

This is so sad I'm having chills.... putting myself in your shoes with those kids which are exactly my kids age..... what will I do? I will let them go.... your in laws won't do them harm now will they ? Those kids are their family and they have the right to see them.

If you go back to court , as long as your spouse is a good man and not abusive, he will fight back and he will get shared custody which you may not like .....don't shoot yourself in the leg now, let the kids see their family.

I dont even know what to say, but im really concerned about d kids, i dont think their father can do them any harm, but how will they be well taken care of by "presupposed strangers" they want to take d kids to, how will they interprete them when they want something special........ha! "Oju oloju ko le dabi oju eni"
if u d mother can sacrifice for d sake of your children, why dont you follow them to d village and spend few days and come back with your kids. At least for d sake of d children.

ITbomb: kids 4 to 3 yrs.
What could make a marriage so young to crash

I honestly wonder. SMH

ujutonia: thanks for all ur reply, @debrief, we both went to Alausa ikeja nd there he was ordered to come for us to settle amicably which we did, dowry was refunded. the issue here is this the kids father is not the type that stays at home, he comes home midnight. the parents cares only abt themselves nd my kids re too small for that kind of life. i knw them better. they believe everyone on their own. had it been they re of age like 8 or 9, i wont mind at all. he is still their father but the kids re all i ve got.

LOL . . . . We have a better police system here in the US yet we still hear so many cases of a parent kidnapping the kids for some reason or another. I don't think you want to depend on the Nigerian police system to help you should something go wrong. So PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE.

I doubt a 3 or 4 year old would even remember anything about a village experience. So it is likely he wants them to go see someone. If possible insist instead that those someones come out to see the kids in the city if they care that much or better yet, pay for internet so they can skype with the kids whenever they want. I am not against the father of the kids seeing the kids but given that I so many stories, even with Nigerians kidnapping their kids and sending them back to relatives in the village, started out in a similar manner, I will say again, DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS OUT OF YOUR SIGHT.

I do not know what you are fighting for. Sometimes you women make mountain out of hill. Is the children now divorced from their father just because you have an issue with there father. Allow the KIDS to associate with the father. They are not the one that cause the quarrels between you two and don't get them involved to hate there father by painting Him black.

I've said my own, stop making everything look bad on the other side for pity party....

. this is not Yankee or Canada where people abscond with their kids and forge other spouses consent letter to present at the airport.....

this is Nigeria ( kobo doesn't like this I know) , as long as you know deep down in your conscience that these kids will be safe and stop judging your exes families lifestyles.... let them see their family

You can't deny the father his kids..
I'd say you go with them or find a trusted adult/sister to go with them if you can't.

He was good enough to have kids with. They are his as much as yours no matter what. And in Nigeria sef, the kids belong to the father. If he comes to take them, nothing you can do. You better recognise where you are. Next time, you will think clearly if a man is someone you can have kids for, married, separated or single. You will have to let him take them noni.

VI'm not against separating the kids from their dad. Its the idea of taking them to the village that's making me uncomfortable. A place where embittered relatives have easy access to the defenceless children. As the yoruba would say; its the face we see, we can't see the mind. Whatever the intentions the husband's family has towards the children, they're safer away from the village. Besides what rural experience do the children have? I know of a case of a set of twins who went to the village for holidays, only one made it back alive (not your children's portion). Just let your husband know your worries about taking them to village. if he insists on taking them, you should insist on going with them.

some of u think that am denying the father his kids, not at all, he takes the kids to his house whenever he feel like, talks to them, my problem is that my ex in laws from my experience with them cannot take proper care of my kids, everyone on their own in that family. i am not painting anyone black but am saying wht i saw. Thanks all for ur opinion.

Again, do not let your kids out of your sight for even a minute. Just some days ago, someone posted a thread in how his father abducted him and his sister during the ife-modakeke riots and they didn't see their mum for many years after that. It is there father sure, but do not let your kids out of your sight.

This is the family section and honestly speaking(I might be wrong)I was under the impression that most people here are happily or unhappily married.

But sometimes the replies I see here to some posts leaves me more puzzled and confused than an Economics student given an Engineering exam to solve.

Are we talking about the father of the kids here or a boyfriend?and if she wants to travel with the kids to her village who would she be answerable to?would the kids also be safe with her?so let's take a cursory look at the scenerio unfolding here.

A young couple got a divorce where kids are involved,and from the former wife's point of view the marriage broke down because of his late night comings.

Now,there are THREE sides to a story(YOUR SIDE,HIS SIDE and the SIDE OF THE TRUTH)but that is basically irrelevant now,as we cannot jump into logical or illogical conclusions on what actually happened.

But for a whole family to hate a woman means there is more than meets the eyes.

Usually when kids are involved the ex-husbands family or some of them tends to be soft to the woman because of the kids which they consider their own.

@op before marrying him I am assuming there was courtship.

And then there was the marriage proper where you guys lived as couple before the relationship went south.

So you should be in a better position to know him better than we contributing here,so having lived with him you should be able to tell what kind of man he is or even if he is the type that will have a malicious intent taking his kids to the village.

I know divorce is bitter and most exes(males/females guilty of this)use their kids as a bargaining chip to spite the former spouse.

But what the embittered former spouses don't realize in the blind rage of annoyance or rage is that the kid(s) needs the other in their lives to not only have a balanced life, but also more importantly have that fatherly or motherly figure in the lives.

So why can't a father take his kids with him to his village?

What if you refuses him and he decides he wants no part in the lives and this kids grow up without knowing their father or getting that fatherly love what will you explain to them?

A lot of the contributors here have said don't let him have the kids.

One have even gone as far as given you an example of a kid that died in the village just to add a little spice to it.

But advices like that are easily given especially if it is not happening to them.

Mine is simple.

Let the dad have his kids and take them to the village,he has as much rights as you that wants to keep them and so far he has not deprived you from doing that.

And until he does sometime contrary the present status quo on ground, then you can have legitimate reasons to deny him his wishes of taking his kids to the village.

Do not get your kids involved in whatever cat and mouse game you and the ex is into,as they should be considered a neutral area.

Somebody even suggested that you should be a chaperon or send another adult to be with the kids when his dad takes them,is that writer serious?a wife sending somebody to monitor a dad be with his biological kids?seriously?as if the dad sends somebody to monitor the ex-wife everyday the kids are with her.

Never deny a father his rights to be with kids and how he wants it.

And as a last note.

Being a single mom or dad anywhere in the world is difficult(forget the lip serving single parents that are quick to say I don't need a man/woman in my life)open ther heart and you will see the pains,bitterness,shame,loneliness,stigma of being tagged a divorcee,and a wish they had right the problem in their marriage when they had the chance.

The road ahead will be rough and tough and I honestly wish you luck.

But let the kids be with their father in the village.

No1 it's obvious that your marriage with your ex was done in the customary way hence it Ȋ̝̊̅§ the Child Rights Act dat has control over the matter.
No2 you didn't say what orders Τ̲̅ђe customary court gave. Your Ex has as much right †☺ access of the Child as you pending when a court decides which way. You need †☺ do something about that.
IMHO, he can and he has Τ̲̅ђe right †☺ demand that his kids come home for Τ̲̅ђe holidays but †☺ protect yourself send ɑ̤̈̊ younger sister †☺ act as their nanny for Τ̲̅ђe period(you can always say dat Τ̲̅ђe 3 year old Ȋ̝̊̅§ acting up). That way you are sure your kids will get Τ̲̅ђe care they need.
Ps as †☺ Τ̲̅ђe issue of kidnapping as raised by Our Nigerians in Diaspora, send Τ̲̅ђe nanny she will protect your interests and if Τ̲̅ђe kids are not returned within ɑ̤̈̊ reasonable time You can always take it UP with him through Τ̲̅ђe Police.

If that man decides not to have any physical present in the life of his kids, except paying their tuition, you will be the first to run to NL to complain how he his irresponsible.
If you start denying the kids the love of their father, and he decides to stay away from them. You will equally be the one feeding your kids the story of how their father never Loved or Cared for them.

We have only had your own concern about the kids welfare, but from this thread alone, you seem to be a difficult women to deal with.

Let the kids be with their dad, your excuse of him having a habit of staying out late is very lame.

Not comfortable with this idea. They are too young to be going off to the village alone without their mother. And it sucks that since you guys separated in April, their father's family has never called to at least inquire about the welfare of the kids.

jidegirl12: I've said my own, stop making everything look bad on the other side for pity party....

. this is not Yankee or Canada where people abscond with their kids and forge other spouses consent letter to present at the airport.....

this is Nigeria ( kobo doesn't like this I know) , as long as you know deep down in your conscience that these kids will be safe and stop judging your exes families lifestyles.... let them see their family

Isn't that the point of this thread

She knows in her heart that her kids won't be safe. I know what it's like going home for xmas, especially in eastern villages. The whole place is filled with festivities. Children do get missing if not properly looked after! No to mention the village 'juju'!

Personally, I wouldn't trust even my own siblings with my kids in the village during xmas hols, not to mention my in-laws!

Nobody's saying the man will dissapear with the kids, but if they are not being taken proper care of, then a sad story might be told at the end of the day!

Woman stop trying to please the world your kids come first before their Dad and in laws.Don't let them out of your sight to any village when they are old enough they can start doing village visit.Explain your fears to their Dad.