Saving The Nigerian Family In The US – Nigerian Men Regretting Getting Married To Nigerian Women In The US?
Posted: December 17, 2012 - 16:56


By Paul Omoruyi
Shooting in Connecticut and Matters Arising in the Nigerian Families in the US – By Paul Omoruyi

The grotesque and senseless killing of 20 innocent kids at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut in the United States is something every parent dread daily in the US. Early reports already show that the shooter’s parents were divorced since September 2009 and the mother had custody of the shooter. The mother had exposed the shooter to guns!

With the unprecedented divorce rate in the Nigerian community in the US, Nigerian families in the US are increasingly becoming engrossed in all the family related patterns and miasma leading to these kinds of incidents.

Early this year, I wrote an article in an African Abroad newspaper that was widely published in the New York area. This writer has been disturbed for some time now about the state of the Nigerian marriage and family in the United States. Below is the original article:My phone rang. It was a call from my buddy that we started life together in the US. We talked about those early days when we just immigrated. Those are the days that will remain etched in our minds and indelible in our memories. Like so many Nigerians, we worked and went to college full time non-stop for many years concurrently as if we were machines. The impetus to achieve the American dream and not disappoint our families was the catalytic enzyme running through our veins. Till this day, we still cannot fathom how we did it. But we did anyway. It’s one of those kinds of experience that you can only say “if not God”.

We were in our twenties with all the Adrenaline and testosterones running wild. The stories of Nigerian men that have been messed up by “child support” because they got married to “akata” were sufficient enough for us to respect ourselves and control our sexual drives. My friend would always say “I go just die or go back to Naija than for me to find myself in a child support situation. Akata no go fit cook Naija food and then she go come still take me to child support? Over my dead bodi”. These concerns (or should I say fear?) were reasons my buddy did not go into any relationship with some of his college female friends who were not Nigerians. He wanted a Nigerian woman as a wife so they can speak pidgin English together, eat Egusi and Okro soup yanfuyafu (otherwise with Akata wife, na Burger King go kill am!). It was all too common a joke back in the days.

Many years have since passed. My guy is married now with a degree attached to his name and has a middle-class job. Obviously, you can say he’s living the American dream. As we reminisced and laughed about those Kodak moment days, in a split second unguarded moment, he suggested that there was nothing special anymore about getting married to a Nigerian woman in the US. “They are now even worse than the so called akata”, he said. The comment struck me and I pushed a little for him to elucidate. I listened in awe as he told me what he’s experiencing at home. While he poured his heart to me, he kept asking me “do you think say Akata or even Caribbean woman go behave like that”? Apparently, it appears his expectations have been dashed.

One that struck me most was the story of a young Nigerian teenage girl living in the shelter. Her Nigerian parents are now divorced. According to her, her parents’ marriage broke after her mother systematically stopped cooking for the family, became increasingly narcissistic and disrespectful to her dad. As if that was not enough, her dad was infuriated when he discovered that her mom had secretly bought a piece of property in Nigeria without his knowledge. Two years later, the parents divorced. Unfortunately, the young lady became pregnant while still in high school. “I just could not stand my mom and live with her. If my parents were still married, I would not have fallen for this stupid crap”, she was quoted as saying, as tears rolled down her eyes.

Although I understand that these narratives might be loop-sided but it seems to typify what most Nigerian men are complaining about lately behind closed doors. There are numerous cases of marital fuss and upheaval that have permeated Nigerian families in the US in recent years. Some people say it is the American culture shock that is rocking the boat of traditional Nigerian family structure in the US. Others claim that it is Nigerian women narrow-mindedly over stretching the American provisions. While some lay blame on Nigerian men refusing to wake up to the realities of the disparities between the American and Nigerian approach to marriage.

It is heartbreaking to hear a Nigerian man refer to his wife as my “baby mother” and a Nigerian woman says my “baby father”. Just some couple of years ago, this was a taboo terminology in the Nigerian marriage. It was actually used to surreptitiously mock the so called “akata”. Now it’s becoming a common mantra in the Nigerian community as single mothers and fathers balloon to an alarming and astronomical rate.

This is no time to pass blame or point fingers or to clamor over who is right or who is wrong. The hand writing is on the fall. This writer is whole-heartedly concerned and perturbed by the downward spiral of our marriages and families in the US. The younger generation is watching, confused and scared to death of what to expect from taking that marriage bold step.

In the spirit of finding a solution, I will proffer the following suggestions to reduce this scourge that is eating deeply into the fabric of our families:

1. Each spouse should not think that the world revolves around you only –Either my way or no way mind set is a recipe for marital failure.
2. Think twice “welu welu” before you let loose the heavens and lock that door against your spouse – you might be endangering your children’s future for life!
3. Marriage is a symbiotic and not a parasitic relationship.
4. At life’s end, the fight over dollars will be no more. Your spouse and your children will become more important than anything else.
5. There is no perfect woman or perfect man. The only perfect marriage is one that the man and woman have learned how to resolve their differences and work together through thick and thin.

People, we are better than this. Let us all fine tune our dispositions and propensities to make our marriages and families happier right here in the US. We have come too far away from home to kill ourselves in a distant land. The system is ready to tear us apart if we open that door. Do you have an opinion or experience that you would like to share? Shoot me an email. May God bless you, your family and the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Blog: www.diasporasope.com
Email: eng.p.omoruyi@gmail.com



The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial policy of SaharaReporters

http://saharareporters.com/article/saving-nigerian-family-us-%E2%80%93-nigerian-men-regretting-getting-married-nigerian-women-us

Nice exposè! You've rightly said that 'there is no perfect woman or man' . So also no perfect marriage. There is marital problems everywhere, cut across race, colour, nationality. Marriage can only be fair if we understand its essence and nt as necessity, many marriages are nt working because they were established with the wrong reasons.

What an absolute crap! A magnanimous BS! Writers like this shld bé amputated so that they wudnt ενεя in their lives think of typing bull!

You τaικ abt Nigeria marriages falling? How abt the contract in today contract out tomorrow as obtainable by that crazy society?
What is the ratio: 1 nigerian break up to like 4000 americal break ups and dis writer got the guts to shift blamés on Nigerians ƒoя misdemeanors?

Dnt make me hit you with my pocket book!

This kinda stuff is going on around, especially with younger men just popping babies everywhere. A younger friend in particular has managed to father 3 kids in the space of 3years and he is not even involved with any of their mothers.

@op, give me back my 4 minutes.

who is the i.diot hiding posts?

the writer is edo, its the culture to not respect women, 99% of the posts on nl disrespecting women, are from edo males.

deal with it, and if you cant, then talk to your friends who are starting these threads!

they should stop projecting their personal experiences on others, and if they cant, then create a separate forum for bashing.

you have a problem with this post, then present facts to disprove it!

HARDDON: What an absolute crap! A magnanimous BS! Writers like this shld bé amputated so that they wudnt ενεя in their lives think of typing bull!

You τaικ abt Nigeria marriages falling? How abt the contract in today contract out tomorrow as obtainable by that crazy society?
What is the ratio: 1 nigerian break up to like 4000 americal break ups and dis writer got the guts to shift blamés on Nigerians ƒoя misdemeanors?

Dnt make me hit you with my pocket book!

No need to type anything else.

Mrs chima must be the girl living in shelter.

*I spit on the poster head*

seedord247: Mrs chima is must be the girl living in shelter.

Hehehehehe!

c-klass:
Nigerian women don carry their wahala reach UNITED STATES

These women

U even laff ur women counterpart... I laff unah tu oo in chinese language oo

The truth about this piece is that Nigerian women lack respect.
It is accepted after watching all the cultural stunts from satellite TV/Oprah and forgetting the essence of womanhood in the African society.
American culture will tear you apart the more if you remain there.Come home and salvage what is left in your life.

@OP you sound scared about what the Nigerian women are doing.Be brave and call them by their names,the shame and disrespect they (Nigerian Women in US) have brought to their communities.
A honorable man in Nigeria is not scared after marriage because he will have respect and love from his lovely wife but in US the Nigerian man (Honorable or not) will be scared going to child support one day from his Nigerian wife.

The explosion will continue to the children who after witnessing such disjointed life from their parents will never want to come home,cousins, nieces, nephews,brothers,sisters are all missing. because they refuse to come home.
I recently lost my Nice in the US,I never knew her or seen her in real life only in pictures.The elder brother got married and never came visiting to Nigeria.This is only going to explode the more.

Even though in 9ja, dr is break up , i think d best solutn is to undastand each oda

I agree with the writer to some level cus my uncle was a victim of such marriage his wife he married 4rm Nigeria after giving birth to two beautiful gals she start misbehaving especially when her mom went to stay with them after the second born. Her aim is to frustrate my uncle so that he will be forced to beat her and with that she can file 4 a divorce and have the custody of the gals and half of his wealth but thank God my uncle won the case after presenting evidences and proofs together with the testimony of the gals against their mother, he won the custody of their daughters with the wife getting nothing. Both of them has remarried and doing fine in their respective marriages so the writer is not far 4rm the truth

tpia@:
who is the i.diot hiding posts?

the writer is edo, its the culture to not respect women, 99% of the posts on nl disrespecting women, are from edo males.

deal with it, and if you cant, then talk to your friends who are starting these threads!

they should stop projecting their personal experiences on others, and if they cant, then create a separate forum for bashing.

you have a problem with this post, then present facts to disprove it!

What are you saying? the case of divorce is Edo state or Edo peeps is minimal, so what are you saying? if we don't respect our wives, why then do we have very rare divorce case?

In Nigeria, a lot of women don't work, so they have all the time to cook n babysit the men while the men hustle to pay all the bills and expenses at home but Nigerian men in the US want their wives to go to nursing school so they can pay the bills with the man,take care of the kids, basically expecting the same level of service/attention like women back home.
Not to justify divorce but any woman who finds herself in such a situation(no matter what country) will get irritated at some point
Nursing in US is VERY demanding and I don't understand why most Nigerian women in the US are nurses. Most of the divorce happen because the woman comes home stressed from work while the man still expects her to do all the chores and comparing her with women back home. Sorry you cant eat your cake and have it at the same time.

if you fail to learn what is rigth then you must be ready to live with what is wrong. You must learn the basis and essence of marriage before you go into marriage constitution. What you sew is what you must reap...true talk

No comment

Teejayphillip:

U even laff ur women counterpart... I laff unah tu oo in chinese language oo

That handle belongs to a male o!

@OP Just another Stereotype. Why do these writers take pleasure in sitting at home and drawing conclusions?

That has been a problem in the US which started right from the 80s and 90s till date. I knew so many Nigerian women, who were legally married here in Nigeria and brought by their husband's to the US and they turned to be the worst steps made by them.
A friend of man who married a Nigerian lady, invited his mother to come over to look after her wife who put to bed and when the woman came, the wife told her husband that he was gonna look for another apartment for the mother to stay. Another of my friend also brought his wife, a Nigerian from UK to States, and the later found a job for her in a Fast food Restaurant, she later started making friends with American ladies-akata, who later brainwashed her to start living American life and of which the lady started partying and meeting some Nigerian guys who live on fast lane, and they later told her that the husband wasn't good enough as he busts his ass working 6/6 which was an honest job. Before we knew it, she left the guy at Alabama and followed one of the guys to Texas and that was it.When the guy got caught for fraud, she ran back to Alabama and by then, the marriage has broken up.

Nigerian women tend to copy-cat their American way of life style of which has destroyed many homes hence you see most children in shelter homes.

i better go for akata now.
wetin man no go see?

c-klass:
Nigerian women don carry their wahala reach UNITED STATES

These women

YES OOOOO NAIJA BABES AND THEIR WAHALA

This post has been hidden by me

Wot a biased n senseless post, so every marriage break down in da Nigerian community is da fault of da women. Well here in da UK, women have da view dat most Nigerian men r male chauvinist n controlling freaks.

The illusion that a Nigerian woman is/will be better than an akata is like that of the village girl being better than the city girl. You can't say the Nigerian families are doing badly when the same goes for every immigrant family in the US. Without one's relatives there to check the marriage, settle issues and correct erring spouses, peacocks will begin to think they can fly. This is just another thread for women-bashing, why aren't there accounts of the philandering Nigerian man that runs away from his family, or are Nigerian men saints?

c-klass:
Nigerian women don carry their wahala reach UNITED STATES

These women

Dem dey waka wit dem wahala wherever they go!
wetin go even carry u go marry nija woman for USA , after u don runaway from dem wahala for nija, why u go gree jam dem for US?

Marriage..hmmm... No b smal tin o. Many of my bros are seein women differently now.. Jst like d writer,i'v heard my bros say 'na pikin mama dey now,no wife again!' na to dey pray 4 Mr. or Mrs. Right o.

safarigirl: The illusion that a Nigerian woman is/will be better than an akata is like that of the village girl being better than the city girl. You can't say the Nigerian families are doing badly when the same goes for every immigrant family in the US. Without one's relatives there to check the marriage, settle issues and correct erring spouses, peacocks will begin to think they can fly. This is just another thread for women-bashing, why aren't there accounts of the philandering Nigerian man that runs away from his family, or are Nigerian men saints?

nigerian men aint saints! Buh d problem's more attachd 2 d women than men....