A fat man heard that there is a new machine which
detects weight of people so he went to the health
facility to check his weight. AT 1st a lady checked
her's and the machine said 60k . ANOTHER MAN went
and was also 60kg now it was the fat mans turn and
when the fat man stood on the machine ,the machine
screamed ''one person at a time'

AKPORS IN RESTAURANT.
Customer: There is a dead cockroach in my soap.
Akpors: ofcourse its dead. Were u expetin it to be
alive in dat hot soup?
Akpors is lukin 4 anoda job wit a swollen mouth.

Akpos was inside a bus
goin to his village when he
suddenly realised dat d purse
containin all his money was
missin.
Somebody had piked it frm
his
pocket.
He luked around d bus,
everybody was calm, well
seated
and enjoyin d ride.
Thinkin of to do,
within som few seconds an
idea
struck his mind...
Makin sure dat everybody in
d
bus hear him, he said:
somebody
stole my pulse frm my
pocket.
People in d bus: no answer.
Akpos continued: i said
somebody piked my purse
containin my money frm my
pocket.
People in the bus (lukin at
him):
stil no answer.
Akpos: if d person dat stole
my pulse did nt want what
hapen
in 1994 to repeat itsef now,
d
person should own up now.
People in the Bus: now
everybody
lukin at each oda. Some
murmurin among
themselves.
Akpos: i said what hapen in
1994 wil repeat itself now if
d
thief did nt return my pulse.
People in the bus: now
everybody
were serios. Som askin
within
themselves what hapen in
1994.
And even odas are beginnin
to
suspect Akpos as a native
doctor or a wizard.
Within a minute, Akpos saw
his pulse on floor of d bus.
Unknwn persn had threw it
there.
Akpos piked his pulse and
chek his money. Then
comfirmin
d amount to his satisfaction.
The people in d bus were
amazed, how they wish they
could realy knw what hapen
in
1994 .
One teenager, a very
beautiful
girl with a glasses
approached
Akpos were he was sitin
and asked him that he would
like
toknw what hapen in 1994.
Akpos luked at her, smiled
and said: in1994 i was in d
bus
like dis and they stole my
money.
I walked from town to home..
How many like for Akpos

Feeling Bored ?
Wondering what to do ?
Simple..
1. Open the Zip
2. Insert ur Hand.
3. Slowly take out.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pen & Paper from Bag & write “I LOVE YOU MOM &
DAD” 1001 Times!
Dirty Mind:O =D

Akpors and his Teacher
One day a techer fell asleep in
class, akpors went to him
and said ''teacher, are you
sleeping?'' ''no!!'', the teacher
replied. Then akpors
asked,''what are you doing
then?'' ''i am talking to God'',
replied the teacher. Then the
next day, akpors fell asleep
as well. The teacher went to
him and said "akpors, are you
sleeping in my class?" "No!"
replied akpors. "What
are you doing then?" asked
the teacher. "i am talking to
God as well", said akpors. The angry teacher
shouted, "what did your God
say?" then akpors
said, "He said he never talked
to you yesterday.

[COUPLE SILENT IN BED]
Wife thinks:
Why is he not talking to me? Is he thinking of another woman?
Does he like someone else?
Is he seeing someone?
Don't I appeal to him anymore?
Are wrinkles showing on my face?
Is he trying to dump me?
Is he now finding me ugly?
Have I put on weight at the wrong places?
Does my make up repel him these days?
Is he upset with my nagging?
WHY IS HE UPSET?!?
[What the Husband is realy thinking :-]
Why on earth did Wenger release Van Persie to Man United?!? WENGER MUST GO!!!

Wife: Darling our housemaid is Pregant!..
Husband: That's her problem.
Wife: But I am worried!
Husband: That's your problem.
Wife: The Neighbours are talking..
Husband: That's their problem!
Wife: They're saying it's yourpregnancy!
Husband: That's my problem!

Let's Argue This
Two men were arguing about their sons’ stupidity. Mr. James argued that his son was sillier than Okello's son. Okello however disagreed, so they decided to put their sons to test.
James called his son & askedhim to buy something for him at the market. The boy ran tothe market without even asking for what to buy & money. James said," you see how silly he is? He didn't even ask for what to buy or money”
Mr. Okello retorted, is this what u call foolishness? Just wait & see, Okello calls his son & tells him, “go home & check if I am in the house” Okello’s son took to his heels & came back panting,"Papa you are not there inthe house, Mama said you are at your friend’s place.
Friends let’s end this argument, whose son is MORE FOOLISH? Okello’s son or James' son?

A pretty teacher was concerned with one
of her eleven-year-old ­ students. Taking him
aside after class one day, she asked, "Little
Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so
poor lately?"
...
"I'm in love." little johnny replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked,
"With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see
how silly that is? It's true that I would like a
husband of my own someday.But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," replied johnny reassuringly,
"I'll use a condom!"

During church service this 16
year old pastor's daughter stood
up and says "Praise the Lord".
Everybody shouted"Halleluyah"
She continued "since the tender
age of 13 I've been experiencing monthly period with so much pain
but now after a series of Bible
studies and prayers with Bro.
Odunayo, our Sunday school
teacher in his house, my monthly
periods have ceased for more than 3 months now, no more
painful menstruating. You can
see I'm even getting fatter and
prettier. Praise the Lord!"
#the pastor fainted instantly#

For a long time Akpos has been
battling with a leak in his roof.
One night there was a very
heavy down pour, he had to
move from one corner of his
house to the other to avoid drops from his roof. This made
him have sleepless night. The next morning he decidedto
fix his roof, after scouting for
ladder in his neighbourhood, he
tried to climb to the roof.
Climbing wasn't easy, he panted
and sweated but successfullyclimbed to the roof, as he was
about to fix the damage, he
heard a knock on his door. He
yelled from the top of his voice;
"who is that?" A tattered
looking beggar showed up at the ground and said,"excuse
me, can I see u?" Akpos asked
"what is it you want to tell
me?" The beggar said,"just
spare me one minute". Akpos climbed back to the
ground, looking tired and asked
"what can I do for you?" The
beggar said "can u give me
N20?" Akpos thought for a
while and said "FOLLOW ME". The two of them started
climbing to the roof, panting
and gasping for breath, they
got to the roof, after panting
for one minute Akpos turned to
the beggar and said "I DON'THAVE"

A secretary receives an
expensive pen from her boss as
a birthday present. Later on, she
sends a text to her boss to
thank him. The boss' wife read
the text, became furious & packed out. The boss was
puzzled. He couldn't understand
why until he took his time to
read his secretary's text:
"Thanks boss. Your peni.s
wonderful"!

A man was carrying a bag of money, and was walkin
around Igbudu Market in Warri, When a thief
suddenly wanted to snatch d bag frm him, not
knowin dat d man was holdin d bag tightly. The man and d thief were strugglin&dragging d bag
when a police man came,arrested them & took them
to d Police Station.
OFFICER: (shoutin) Who get dis bag? MAN: Officer, I'm d owner.
THIEF: Oga, no mind dis man o, d bag na my own.
MAN: Since he's draggin it, letme go home & get d
reciept 2show dat I'm d owner.
OFFICER: OK,I give u 30min. THE OFFICER AND THE THIEF WAITED FOR MORE THAN
3HOURS THE MAN DIDN'T RETURN,SO D THIEF STARTED
COMPLAININ .
THIEF: Officer,u see now,d man don discharge,I tell u
say d bag na my own, shey udon believe me now? OFFICER: Yes,u say it but I nofit just give u like dat,B4
I go giv am 2u,I must know wetin dey inside. Oya
open make we see. AS THEY OPENED D BAG, THEY SAW A HUMAN HEAD
INSIDE.
OFFICER: JESUS! Oboy so u beogboni? E don red for u
2day . . Ur own don finish . . Uno buy form but u don
gain admission into Kirikiri Maximum . .
THIEF: (Crying) Aha! Officer, no be me get d bag o, I
Just dey pass o!. .

A man goes to court to sue his wife that she is not faithful.
Surprising enough the judge was Naughty Ashnaam.
Naughty Ashnaam: Madam canu defend yourself?
Madam: Ok first of all my husband here is a poor man.so in the morning when i leave home for work i take a taxi.since i have no money topay,the driver gives me an option.He says "madam,are you paying me or what?". Then i take the "or what" option.
When i go to hospital since i don't have money to pay my bill the doctor asks me "Are you paying the bill or what?" and i go for the "or what option".Last week our son was kidnapped and they asked me "Madam are you giving us the ransom or what?" then i chose the "or what" option.That is how i became unfaithful to my husband"
The judge(Naughty Ashnaam)looks at her and asks...
Naughty Ashnaam: Madam areyou now ready to lose the case OR WHAT?

Not bad.

ARareGem: Not bad.

thanks 4 d comment

IQ test: let's see how sharp you are
NECO: Q1: If John Yakubu steals N2.3 Billion & was ordered to refund N750K; how much will Farouk Lawal refund for stealing N93 Million?
A) N3K.
B) 5K.
C) 8K.
D) 10K

1. U dey do opening prayer 4Night club *na God go slap urmouth.
2. U come bak frm Ghana dey form British accent
*na rat go chop ur mouth.
3. U dey add water to egg say e go plenty when u fry am
*why u no add yeast join am olodo.
4. U no go university and u dey find ur name for NYSC posting.
*na yeye dey wory u.
5. House dey burn u wan usegas do fire extinguisher
* hahaha u don die.
6. U dey say Terry G's music dey inspire u
*unto whch level of madness?
7. U cary candle dey luk 4 where fuel dey smel frm.
*continue u go soon see am.
8. U cal MTN to tel them say ur free sheet for browsin no dey work again
*lol madman.
9. When pastor talk say do smtin cracy for d Lord, u com cary Church offering run
*if pastor no stone u wit mic my name no b Mr.T.
10. U read dis finish u smile but u no like or coment
*na only u stingy pas 4 dis world.

I know some people will get confuse just as mrs akpors after reading this joke.
Akpors and his wife were unable to have children so they decided to get a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, mr Akpors kissed his wife and said "I'm off, the man shud be here soon." Halfan hour later just by chance a door to door baby photographer rang the door bell hoping to make a sale."Goodmorning madam, I've come to..." "Oh no need to explain, hv been waiting for u" mrs Akpors cuts in. (Really?) The photographer asked."Well hv made a specialty of babies, dats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a momentshe asked blushing " well where do we start? "Leave everything to me, I usually try two from the bathtub, oneon d couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimesthe living room floor is fun too. U can really spread out.""Bathtub! Living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for me and Akpors!! Well madam none of us can guarantee a good one everytime, but if we try several different position and I shoot from six and seven angles, I'm sure u'll bepleased with the result. "My, dats a lot of ......" Gasped Mrs.Akpors. "Madam in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd loved to be in and out in five minutes, but Ɣu'd be disappointed wid that.""Don't I know it, mrs Akpors said quietly". The photographer opened his brief case and pull out a portfolio of his baby pictures." Dis was done on the top of a bus in down townlondon" (OMG) mrs. Akpors exclaimed. Tugging at her handkerchief. "And dis twins turned out exceptional, wen. U consider their mother was so difficult to work wid." "Shewas difficult?" Asked mrs Akpors. "Yes I had to take her to the hyde park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to geta good look." "Four and five deep?" Asked mrs. Akpors, eyes widened in amazement."Yes" the photographer said,and for more than 3hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, wen the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Akpors leaned forward," Ɣu mean squirrels actually chewed ur um...... Equipment?" Dats right.Well madam if ur ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work. "TRIPOD?" Askedmrs Akpors. "Oh yes I have to use a tripod to rest my canon, its too big for me to hold for a very long time". (Mrs. Akpors is still in coma).

One day Akpos comes
back from church, greeted his wife, lift her up and carryher around the
sitting room. The wife was sosurprised and she asked smiling at her husband "Did the pastor preach about been romantic?" out of deep breath akpos replied, No, he said we should carry our burden.

Akpos and ekaette got married.
Akpos was a "man about town" so to speak, but ekaette was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees going on in town.
Akpos was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Akpos was undressing, ekaette said,"Oh Akpos, what is that?" Akpos being very quick thinking said, "ekaette baby, I am the only man in the worldwith one of these." And, then,he proceeded to show her what it was for, and she was happy. The next morning Akpos went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, ekaette was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Akpos, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Ambali the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one,
too." Thinking fast, Akpos said, "Oh, ekaette baby, Ambali is my good friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those." ekaette, not being knowledgeable about these things, accepted his answer, and they did their thing againthat night.
Akpos went off to work againthe next morning and when he returned home, ekaette was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Akpos said, "ekaette baby, what is the matter this time?""Akpos, you gave Ambali the better one!!!" Akpos fainted!