Every married person knows to be faithful, stay
truthful and be there for her partner through good
times and bad--they're in the wedding vows, after
all. But most seasoned couples would admit that
some unspoken rules are vital for getting past
rough patches and growing stronger as a couple.
Here, experts share 10 of the less apparent (but
just as important) marriage rules to live by.
1. Don't criticize your partner's parents or friends.
You know how it is-your family can tick you off but
no one else had dare speak ill of them. That's why
you should tread carefully with your in-laws and
your husband's dearest friends. "Even when he's
venting to you, your contributions can put him on
the defensive," explains LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a
Florida-based psychologist and licensed clinical
social worker. "When you take position A, you
prompt your partner to take position B." Instead,
says Dr. Wish, put yourself in his position so that
you can empathize with him.
2. Tell your spouse about any ex encounters.
Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run
into an old flame at your kid's soccer game,
keeping the news to yourself could backfire,
despite having zero feelings for the ex. "If there's
nothing to hide, why hide it?" says Deb Castaldo,
PhD, a couples and family therapist and professor
at Rutgers University School of Social Work in New
Brunswick, NJ. "That leads to an air of secrecy and
dishonesty," she says. Just clue in your hubby
matter-of-factly: Try, "I knew it was only a matter of
time before old boyfriends came out of the
woodwork on Facebook. I got a friend request from
one and ignored it." Or, "I saw my ex in the mall
today. His kids are cute. Glad to see his life turned
out nicely."
3. Keep unsolicited advice to yourself. Offer your
support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an "I
know what's best" tone. "We give advice because
we're trying to be helpful, but it's seen as criticism
when we offer too many corrections," says Harriet
Lerner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the
Coupled Up. This goes for everything from your
husband's outfit choices to how he deals with a
work issue. Give your spouse space to make
decisions and gain confidence through trial and
error-and ask that he do the same for you, says Dr.
Lerner. "What matters in a relationship is not that
things get done 'right,' but that two people are
dedicated to contributing to each other's
happiness."
4. Don't take charge all the time. Whether you fold
all the laundry because you don't like how your
husband does it or you manage the finances
because you don't think he's as careful, you may
feel more at ease doing all the work. But stop! "The
spouse who does the rescuing can become tired of
that role," says Dr. Wish--and resentful that
everything is on her shoulders, even if she
volunteered for that burden. Get in the habit of
asking your partner, "What do you think works best
here?" or telling him, "I could use a hand cleaning
out the pantry." These requests will foster the idea
that you're teammates.
5. Don't bring up past arguments. Or at least put a
statute of limitations on them. "People repeat
ancient disagreements because they haven't
resolved the problem," says Dr. Castaldo. Letting
things fester often causes marriages to break
down, she says. It's important to address issues as
they happen and come to some sort of resolution--
agreeing to disagree counts. "Leave it there, and
respect each other's opinion," she says.
6. Choose your battles, but don't stifle your
feelings. "There's going to be toothpaste globs here
and Post-it notes there; that's human nature," says
Dr. Wish. "You have to be able to say, 'this isn't
important.'" Or if it is, speak up. "Tell your partner
why it bothers you and that you'd like to work on a
solution," suggests Dr. Wish. You'd be surprised
what you could learn about each other. For
instance, your husband may not leave dirty dishes
in the sink anymore if you explain that your
childhood home was piled high with plates and you
were stuck washing them. It's also important to
understand that he's not plotting to upset you
every time he's sloppy or forgetful. A simple
request like: "Honey, it'd be great if you could pick
up the dry cleaning while you're out" beats getting
mad that he didn't offer to help with errands.
7. Don't post private thoughts or photos publicly.
You may not want to be tagged in a politically
charged rant he starts or he may not want you to
share photos of the kids. And you each deserve the
other person's respect for those wishes. "Discuss
the ground rules regarding posting about yourself,
as a couple and about the other person," says Dr.
Castaldo. And no matter what, don't take your
grievances with your husband to the masses for
support. "It's destructive to air conflicts on
Facebook," she warns.
8. Log off. When your attention is focused
elsewhere, your spouse is bound to feel
unimportant. So make quality time a top priority
and restrict tech gadget use if necessary, says Dr.
Wish. "Pay attention to the concept of ratio: How
much time am I spending doing this compared to
how much time I'm spending with my family?" she
says. Create a rule that works for your household
and stick to it, whether it's no devices at the dinner
table, shutting down phones at 8 p.m. or going
gadget-free on weekend afternoons.
9. Don't use the "" word (divorce, that is). Even in
the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack
your bags or head to the lawyer's office. Besides
the "" word being downright hurtful, repeated
warnings may result in a spouse calling the other's
bluff. "We act as if the intensity of our anger gives
us license to say or do anything," says Dr. Lerner.
"But threatening divorce is never useful, and it only
makes the probability of separation more likely."
10. Be each other's number one. In other words, be
wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting
relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work
or hobbies competing for your attention. "Happy
couples have just as much conflict as those who
divorce, but they know ways to get through it,"
says Dr. Castaldo. "A couple has to have a strong
boundary around themselves and they can't allow
anybody to get in between."