Br3nd4: Lmao ur own don finish oo


But come o, what's up with the late updates? Hope ure good.

Foxy_Vista:

Swithrt kaikai How have you being?

Enjoy your day dear kaikai

Been busy

A recall of Abami eda's song popped up in my head(the zombie track), am quite sure u are familiar with that track were he sang ZOMBIE OH ZOMBIE, the song correlated with the present trauma i was faced with, i became intensely alarmed and my heart beat paced at an unfit rate, sey na like this i go con die,i started chanting out different bible verses while also ranting in unknown tongues.
With all hope lost and nothing else to live for, i had to accept the cruel faith that i was bound to die that night, the noise from the grave yard was down a notch by now but i could still hear the creaking footsteps of the dead,cold chill pervaded my entire body nd i became wobbly inside.
With my fingers clasped together i began offering prayers to the (almighty) to grant me eternal heaven but i knew deep down that I wasn't a candidate for one but still i had to beg God for a piece of some heavenly bliss.

Footsteps were now threading towards where I laid down. pee residue trickled down my pant thus forming a wet patch around the outline of my loin..."OH LORD COME SAVE YOUR HUMBLE PIKIN. The foot steps i heard earlier became more pronounced, this time around the foot steps were accompanied with voices, both voices were ensued in some sort of negotiation,they were both arguing as entailed from the high pitch of their voices, it seemed they were in a verbal tussle of some sort, na then i know say dis one dem be human beings nd not ghost or zombies after all.
Out of anger i sprung out from were i had hidden to dish out a piece of my mind to them, i wanted to whip lash them with words cz they had scared the hell out of me so i jumped out from were I had hidden na so the two men wey dey argue pick race, they probably thought i was a ghost, i just stood there amazed and in shock.
I went back to my nap and before it struck Five a:m i bade the grave yard farewell nd i proceeded forth into the city, as usual hunger grabbed me so i dragged my feet, na the bolly nd epa wey i don chop since last night still dey my belle,hunger change the way i dey walk e con be like say i dey waka with swag, u sabi all those hunger imposed swag wey go make you bend one shoulder and slant the other.
After i don waka like half a mile or so, i became totally exhausted and phased out, i decided to sit down on the bare floor to catch my breath, from were i was seated i could see a small crowd nd it seemed there was a ruffle or so going on in the crowd,i moved in towards the crowd and inquired from another onlooker what was going on,he said the woman at the center of the crowd misplaced her wallet abi na purse nd so people her helping her look for it,i hissed and turned back coz i actually thought they were giving out free food,as i turn say make i dey go na so i step on the wallet wey all of them they look for.
Since i had a flat nd enormous feet i tried covering the wallet well with my feet so the bystanders wouldn't catch a glimpse of my feet covering the purse.

GOD don butter my bread but he con remain how i go pick the wallet from the floor,if i bend down to pick it i might tick the woman and bystanders off and they will know have seen the wallet nd I certainly do not want that to happen, so i stayed put on the fixed spot were the wallet had fallen and I had my feet firmly placed on it thus shielding it from prying eyes.

By now the sun was up and scorching me badly but still I stood my ground and was determined not to move an inch, i had spent almost two hours on that fixed spot and i was praying that the bystander nd the woman who had lost the wallet would just go away and accept that the wallet was gone for good but she no gree commot oh and the crowed backed her up more.

Bro, yu ar too much. Need more updates. I'm following you like twitter. Your write up is full of humour & quite interesting. You one best silent writers on Nairaland. More power to your whole body no be only your hand.

ff.

Nice 1 bro

Fu.c.k u gosh rubbish

Fu.c.k u gosh rubbish unfollows thread.

ninja4life: Fu.c.k u gosh rubbish unfollows thread.

Thank God.... One less Mhumu

guy U cari plenti package kom, shie na AKPOs wey resemble walahi, papa I bow 4 u oooooo.

My feet ached seriously,and I was sweating profusely.

Out of utter frustration I squatted as if i wanted to take a dip and i quickly took the purse from under my sweaty feet, to my surprise all eyes at the market suddenly darted towards my direction, it was as if they had been alerted that the purse had been found, I became dumbfounded and at a loss for action, I had my brain do a quick probe of what to say to the woman who owned the purse.

She approached me but before she could utter a word i cut her short by saying "madam I don help you see your wallet infact na holy spirit direct me come were I take see am".

My plan had been foiled, purse wey be say I don budget how I go take spend the money wey dey inside, the woman collected the wallet and gave me a pat on my back, I wasn’t really expecting a pat, I expected much more than that, some money as a "thank you token" seem good enough but the stingy woman no gree gimme one kobo, na then I know say people wicked oh.
Na so I dey curse the woman for my mind coz wetin she do me pain me for body like mad, I kept telling myself of how callous and insensitive she was, after a while I had to let moment with the purse sail through... wetin pain me pass na the stand wey I stand ontop the wallet...
Na so I begin to waka again with the usual hope say I go see something wey i go chop for that day, but while I was walking na so I jam one sign post with a vacancy listing for a teacher, and right behind the vacancy post I could see the said school,the building of the school was re-enforced with planks with, stainless sheets served as window panes and a painted wall served as the chalk board,

I told myself I could apply for the job afterall na small small pikins I go dey teach, so the next day I applied and I got the job,they didn’t even ask for my credentials or anything relating to it.

I was told to resume for work the next day, since I had nothing I could wear to work , na so I select one random backyard, took a fitted shirt nd trouser from the the line wey dey spread am ontop nd carry race before I could get noticed.

The next day I was assigned to teach (nursery two and the half), when I asked why they called the class (nursery two and the half) dey talk say na those dry heads wey no gree promote go nursery three they there, they were stuck between the two classes.
As I enter the class wey dey say I go dey teach fear grip me coz the (dry heads)kids wey dey the class enter seventy,they all placed their feeding flasks and water bottles at a precise angle in the stuffed up class, I quickly did a head count of their food flasks and it tallied with the number of kids in the class, na then I know say I don enter food paradise coz those food flasks just dey eye me and dey eye dem back.

It was exactly three days back since I ate a good hot meal, the food flasks of the kids gave me the needed assurance that I was going to be filled up today with something hot and home cooked, though I tried to resist the temptation offered by these tempting food flasks but the thought weighed heavily on me.
The bell for the short break rang, so I quickly ordered the kids out of the class and told them to leave their food flasks behind,when I see say all of them don commot for class finish, I bolted the entrance to the class,I went to each nd every food flask and took a fair amount of food from them all,as I dey chop "yam" na so I dey chop "rice" nd noodles, I ate to my fill and afterwards I went outside to call the kids back into the class,they hardly noticed that there food had been touched.

am sorry for the mash up nd all, am having a bit of a problem with my space bar.

My God!!

Laff don almost kill me oooooo! Na where I dey since this Tori don dey nack for here? Chai! This is the funniest and best story I have read in nairaland ooooo!


And why isn't this on the front page

This is hilarious!
buhahahahaa!

Hehehehehehehehehehe

Ride on Guy, u are someThing else

These puny little kids just made my day and i sure hope they will continue to do so.
The next day i began to nurture the hope of another food flask feast and this time around i wasn't gonna go soft on them coz today am going to scoop a sizeable amount from each food flask, u fit call am ojukokoro but i no send, after all man must wak now.

The much awaited break came, but this time around there was no way i could order the kids out without raising any suspicion, but i still had to chase them out nd all i needed was a firm excuse to do so nd na then my brain click nd an idea popped in.

I instructed the kids to stand up and sing/chant the lords grace before eating from their various food flasks, with their melodious, incoherent and yet shaky voice they all chanted it in the most annoying way ever, lemme give you guys an outline of how dey take sing am,
awa okada woo art in heaven
adaobi thy name
as shikin don come
before they could finish the third line of the lord's grace i instructed them to shut up coz if na so bible write am christainity no go dey were he dey today but i don forget say na warri i dey and that might be their own version of the lord's grace.

Now i had a firm excuse to chase all of them out of the class, since they couldn't sing the lords grace i disbanded them all nd dismissed them out of the class. I locked the door leading to the classroom nd bounced on their food flasks, con see me as i dey chop beans na so i dey wak rice,as i dey eat macaroni na so i dey push am down with bread before i knew it i had finish all the food wey dey their food flask,no be so i take plan am oh coz i had the intention of just eating a fair nd yet unnoticeable amount from each food flask but now have wiped out everything clean, na then i know say i don die coz how i won take explain how all their food dissapear.

Lmfao. . . Guy your name na sorry!

u don die be dat! u just chop forget urself.
Time to face the music
*gengen*

Chai! I don die! This guy don kii me o!
Which kain falling hand come be this one na?

My eyes con come down after i don chop all their food finish,out of the usual thirty minutes allocated for the break period,the kids had spent twenty five minutes, so i only had five minutes to come up with a plan.

As i dey think of how i go take explain how their food got missing na in Akpokoro enter class, he was the eldest in class and was also the dumbest, he has been in the same class for five years and thus he was made the class captain by default.

As i see am na im my brain click sharpally,i ordered Akpororo to move closer to me, the boy being just five years old came forward nd i grab am for arm instantly.

Now that i had Akpororo with me my mind became settled coz he was gonna bail me out of the mess i got myself into,i stained akpororo's shirt with some remnants from the food flask,i messed up his tiny school uniform with stew paste nd i hung a strand of indomie in his mouth to create the perfect effect i wanted.

I was able to do all this to Akpororo coz i promised him he would be given a double promotion at the end of the term,and he fell for it.

After i don dress Akpororo wella with the left overs from the food flasks i raised the alarm and shouted at the top of my voice, i called the headmaster and told him that Akpororo entered the class when no one was in and ate the food of the other kids.

The headmaster became infuriated and started hurling insults at the little kid,he was seriously dealth with and later expelled from the school but i pleaded with the headmaster to reconsider his expulsion and this he did.

OMG! U did what !!!

Kai.... I don laugh ooooo... So you sabi update like this and you been dey fall hands... God dey watch you wella o... Better come continue...

I knew that sooner or later i was gonna get caught,so i had to look for another means through which i could sustain my survival and apart from that the pay i was getting from the self imposed job was to meagre for a man of my size and status(thats me forming,shoulder pad tinz),the only tin i dey enjoy for the teaching work na the usual food flask fiesta wey i dey always partake in nd i know say na matter of time before dey catch me cz wetin i dey do na capital offence.

I was kinda pondering on the kind of job i could do to top up d income from my teaching job nd all of a sudden a crazy idea popped in,there was this kid in my class who had a toy gun that looked real so i confisticated the toy gun from the puny little thing nd instructed him never to ask for it again.now warri go know who be boss today cz i was gonna show them the stuff wey God use mould me.

When it was exactly 12 a.m on the dot,by then it was midnight nd everywhere had become dim nd dark,i entered a random backyard nd quickly took a black shirt from the line were it was spread to dry.

Now i had the needed stuffs to carry out my operation,cz na robbery act i won carry out,with me decked in my black shirt nd armed with my toy gun i set out to find a good spot were i would see a prey to pounce on.

I came across the right spot to carry out my act,my mind was settled cz na only me know say na toy gun i hold,infact the toy gun na all those made in china toy gun nd e dey heavy, so it was hard to dismiss the fact that it was a fake.

Na so i see one idle man for bus-top,he was standing all alone nd he held a briefcase,the man was the short sort so i knew he would be an easy prey for me,as i reach the man side i pressed the toy gun firmly into his waist nd told him to surrender all he has,but the man wasn't moved by my threat at all,even the sight of the gun no scare am at all,i even use voice for am but e still no move am, na so i say make i slap am but as i raise my hand say make i hit am like this na in the man raise in shirt up, con see wetin i see, he had three guns buried underneath his shirt nd he even had a knife to compliment them..

con see as i take piss for my trouser,this was the first time i would be seeing a real gun at close range and na three for that matter,,na so i tell am say na play i dey play with am say make he no vex but the man no gree hear my plea at all,he dealth with me seriously with his belt,infact he beat me sotey i no fit walk na GOD say make e no use in gun on me cz na dat one for bad pass,na then i know say na Akpororo head catch me.

Chai........M loving dis...but guy u don suffer oooo

LMFAO ........

Hahahhaahhahahhahahahaha

notin wey u no go do.

I can't ft laffff.....